Dear Purveyor of Knowledge, Advice, Remonstrance, and Encouragement,
I hope you are still offering advice for interested parties. I have a rather singular dilemma that I hope can be solved by a cup of wisdom from your fount. I have, for the past decade or so, lived in sunny Florida. The most part of those years I spent in south Florida where the minimum temperature in the dead of winter is still warmer than Seattle in the middle of summer. Please do not think I am rubbing it in. During the summer in that same location, there are days when I do not step outside my house for fear of spontaneous human combustion. I don't know if that's real or not, but if it is, I'm certain there is a correlation to August in Florida. Even paradise has a catch. Plus, there are the hurricanes.
Anyway, when I moved to the northernmost tip of the state and winter came around again, I discovered my dilemma. The only pair of closed-toe shoes I own are running shoes. They are fine when I am running, but I don't always want to be wearing exercise clothes. And I find that I have no sense of fashion when it comes to footwear that actually envelopes the entire foot. I am currently a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I feel okay about wearing sneakers with dress pants. Can you recommend some shoes that would keep my toes warm and still be fashionable? I am not a fan of the big, bulky boots (hugs or shrugs or something) because I think they only look good on women with slender hips and legs and my slender hips disappeared sometime during the last decade when I survived four pregnancies. Honestly, unless it's a flip flop, I have no idea.
Thanks for your consideration. Happy New Year.
Cordially, Frosty Feet
Well! This question is from, like, JANUARY, when it was WINTER, and now it is SPRING and we are sort of embarrassed to have let it sit in our inbox for four months, or whatever! But we must address it, as, dear Author-friend, you seem to be under the impression that the Ugg is the only closed-toe boot option available to you, WHICH WE FIND UNFATHOMABLE. It is important to note that Uggs do not suit anyone who is not an Australian sheepherder or surfer or whomever the fuck is responsible for those things; this hasn't got anything to do with the shape or size of the wearer. (And SERIOUSLY, neither does ANYTHING related to fashion. We have seen people of all sizes, shapes, and genders look smashingly foxy in ALL SORTS of garments, including but not limited to: boots, leggings as pants, tiny skirts, very bodacious minishorts, etc. Fabulousness has nothing to do with size.)
You are probably, to be honest, asking the wrong person this question, as the inclusion of the phrase "dress pants" in your request suggests to us a sartorial strain distinctly disparate from our own, where those words have not appeared in combination since somewhere around the time we graduated high school. Nevertheless, we are very partial to the Frye boot, which, although spendy, is quite well-made and comes in all sorts of pleasing options. The harness boot! the Chelsea boot! the hiking-esque boot! the lace-up boot! We also own no fewer than three pairs of Doc Martens; but the Doc is definitely a very particular bird. Like, when you are wearing Doc Martens, you are Wearing Doc Martens, which is defs a statement of its own that not everyone is ready to make. However, Docs are cheap and keep looking better the more you beat the shit out of them, which is a very important quality in Rejectionist footwear. If you have cash to burn and want to BLOW FLORIDA'S MIND, check out Rick Owens. Also, Converse look rad with basically everything. Especially prom dresses.
Dear Le R., aka THE WORLD'S MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE PERSON ON ALL THAT IS HUMOUROUS, FASHIONABLE, AND MOST EXCELLENT,
I would, first off, like to thank you and your archives for providing me with procrastination from university papers and assignments and the like. And for providing me with endless hours of amusement and learning about important things like writing and querying while I worked at a particularly boring corporate job that sucks away souls. Oh, and that one post titled "What Form Rejection Means to You"? We read it ALL THE TIME because it's kind of inspiring. So thanks.
I have questions about queries and fashion. With queries, is it okay to query American literary agents even though I'm from Canada? Or should I be querying only Canadian literary agents? Is distance a problem?
Also, why is it that I get funny looks and comments from people any time I wear a dress anywhere other than a wedding, cocktail party, bat mitzvah, queen's coronation, prom, and other such events? I'm a GIRL. I like dresses. Why is that weird? These aren't even over-the-top fancy gowns or wedding dresses. Please advise.
Signed, No Pants
Awwww, thank you! We have repaid these charming compliments by allowing your email to languish FOR MONTHS! SORRY!
It is always fine to query a U.S. agent, no matter where you live. Nobody cares, that's what the Internet is for. We would personally (OUR OPINION, NOT GOSPEL OR ANYTHING) strongly recommend querying U.S. agents if you are trying to land a U.S. publisher.
And! Well, we are more or less a girl, and do not especially like dresses, so those things don't necessarily FOLLOW, which we do feel duty-bound to point out; but that is not your QUESTION. Your question is, basically, why do people FREAK THE FUCK OUT when I am BEING FABULOUS? This is a chronic burden for the sartorially aspirational! May we suggest moving to New York? HA HA HA HA. Okay, not for everyone, we realize. Let us here deliver our most-beloved aphorism, courtesy of A. Einstein: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Don't sweat it. Sometimes the world cannot handle a foxy well-dressed lady who is on her game. Other people's anxieties are not your fucking problem. You start worrying about that, you may as well quit leaving the house.
The Great Questions of Our Time may be addressed to rejectionistandyourmom[at]gmail.com.