THE BEST FUNNY THING EVER

E-books article drinking game from Bookavore, and now we know what everyone is doing this weekend! The rest of the blog is awesome too.

Nitpicking

Let us close out the week with an item for extremely, extremely obsessive people! We thought this article on linguistic anachronisms in the television show Mad Men was quite fascinating! despite being one of the three people in the English-speaking universe who finds Mad Men horrifying and unwatchable. Here's something else on this topic (language, not the horrifying unwatchability of Mad Men with regards to Rejectionists), from the New York Times. Via Good Morning Midnight (DUDE check out her DIY CHANEL HOODIE TOTAL FACEMELT). You may comment today. Heh, heh.

In other news! NEXT WEEK IS A SUPER AMAZING THEME WEEK AT THE REJECTIONIST!!!!! With SUPER AMAZING INTERVIEWS!!! and SUPER AMAZING GUEST POSTS!!! SO AREN'T YOU EXCITED!!!! YES YOU ARE!!!!! YOU CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT THE SUPER AMAZING THEME WEEK WILL BE!! !!! !!!!!!! HUZZAH! See you next week!

Stieg Larsson Beatdown!

Here's another thing we don't like! It's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo! We wrote about it for Tiger Beatdown, using far too many semicolons! MOM DON'T READ THIS POST THE VIOLENCE WILL UPSET YOU.

Oh, and P.S.: if you want some examples of REALLY AMAZING ESSAYS by people writing about engaging with media from the perspective of being marginalized, why don't you check out this seriously incredible piece by Bao Phi on being a Nerd of Color. It is so good you should tattoo it upon your heart. Here is an excellent piece by Garland Grey, also at Tiger Beatdown, which is where all the smart people are at this moment, if you were wondering, on being a Gay Nerd (be sure to check out the linked interview with Courtney Stoker on being a Lady Nerd.)

You will note something that all of these people have in common! Which is: aside from writing about nerdery, THEY ARE NOT WHITE HETEROSEXUAL BIODUDES.* That's what MARGINALIZED means, folks! We sort of thought that was clear? But apparently not, which is why all the comments are gone from yesterday's post, including the nice ones, because we just ARE NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD THIS WEEK. So, if you ARE a white heterosexual biodude, you don't actually GET to have an opinion about reading as a marginalized person! BECAUSE YOU AREN'T ONE.** Okay? Clear now? Thanks. The comments are also closed on this post! Goddamn, do we wish we had a "comments closed" button in real life! Would that not be amazing and transformative! If you want to tell us how brilliant our semicolon-riffic TBD essay is, go do it over there!

*Lots of folks use "cisgendered" in place of this, which is a much better word, but does not have the same je ne sais quoi that makes "biodude" so satisfactory to us personally. ****UPDATE: You know what, "biodude" is not okay. Thanks to the person who brought this up with us. "Cisbros" was the suggested alternative, and one we shall use forthwith.*******

**You can talk to us about class, maybe? But you will have to make it really convincing. Like, REALLY convincing.

The Rejectionist Wants Your Guest Posts!!!!!

So, Keith Popely, we have not forgotten about the comment you left many moons ago on our book review for Author-friend Lydia Sharp! If you recall, this is the question you asked:

Is it okay to appreciate a work whose author or the work itself espouses some rather indefensible opinions?

Funny you should ask that! Because this is something the Rejectionist thinks about quite a lot!

Here is a somewhat parallel set of questions we think about a lot:

Let's say you are a lady. Or a person of color. Or a queer person. Or a trans person. Or a person living with a disability. Or, god forbid, a disabled queer trans lady of color. Or one of any number of other kinds of people (hint: the not white-heterosexual-able-bodied-male kinds of people) whose experiences are often overlooked in fiction! BUT you are also a person who greatly enjoys READING fiction! How do you deal? Where do you draw the line on what's too repudiating of your life/experience/body to tolerate, and what do you give a pass 'cause you love the story so much? How do you read stories that are most emphatically not about you, and in which you may even appear as a character who is objectified, represented in really stressful ways, or erased altogether? Do you eschew "classic" or "canonical" stories that may be racist/misogynist/heterosexist/&c., or do you embrace them with reservations? Do you love a genre that has a nasty history of sketchy politics (AHEM SCIENCE FICTION)?

WELL: THE REJECTIONIST WANTS TO KNOW. The Rejectionist is also imagining that the answers to these questions may be very different, depending on who's responding! So why don't YOU write a guest post for the Rejectionist! And send it to us!!! Hmmm? This isn't a contest either; it is an amalgamation of AWESOME, is what it is. We do have a few guidelines, for our own health and sanity:

1. Hopefully it is clear from the above, and also our entire modus operandi over the last year, but: the Rejectionist is particularly interested in the perspectives of people who find themselves at the margins of the dominant culture. Those people are very well aware of who they are. Just putting that out there. "I am a white gentleman, and novels featuring strong lady characters leave me feeling emasculated" is probably not a submission that we will read very thoroughly. Lucky for you, gents, the rest of the internet is your oyster. As is, you know, the government, the canon, the entirety of capitalism, and the media. So console yourselves with that.

2. Please put "guest post submission" or something to that effect in the subject header.

3. Please send your guest post submission to us at rejectionistandyourmom[at]gmail.com by August 5th.

4. It is 100% fine to submit an item under a name that is not your legal name/the name you usually blog under/what have you.

OKAY! HUZZAH! Have at it! We are very excited to hear your thoughts on this matter!!!

What Form Rejection Means to You

1. New York

New York! It is a hard fucking town. New York is mean. In New York everyone is smarter and more talented and younger and richer and better-looking than you. In New York you can spit and hit fifteen people who are doing the exact same thing you are doing, much better than you are doing it, and for a lot more money. So here is a lesson you learn fast in New York: you better fucking love yourself, because ain't no one here going to do it for you. No one. There is only one way to survive in New York, and that is to love yourself with a boundlessness that transforms this city into magic (or to just be ludicrously rich, but that option is not currently on the table for us).

Publishing is like New York. Author-friends, The Publishing Industry does not give a shit about you unless you can make it money. Publishing is not interested in your dreams or in holding your hand until you achieve them. Do you see where we are going with this? Waiting to be published in order to live your real life is a lot like hanging out on the sidewalks of Manhattan hoping someone will notice you are special. The odds are not in your favor.

But embracing the amazing being that you are: this is a thing that no one can take away from you. Not Publishing, not your mean relative who doesn't get why you keep sending out your novel, not even the city of New York. And so, we command you now, go to a mirror. Look at the person in the mirror. Say to that person: YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING FORCE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, YOU ARE BRILLIANT, AND YOU ARE REALLY FUCKING HOT. Seriously. Go do it. Keep doing it until you stop laughing and believe it. And then send out your book. Again. And again. As long as takes.

2. Running

We run; also, it is hot! These items we have mentioned before. We are not an especially good runner. We are not fast (4,000th place in the NYC half-marathon); we look sort of funny when we run ("you have a very particular gait," says Support Team). Running in 100-degree weather in New York is not fun. Not even a little bit. But a funny thing does happen, when one runs in very unpleasant conditions: everyone else running on that day becomes your friend. There is a secret solidarity of people who like running enough to do it when the going gets awful. These people, as we pass them, give little waves, or winks, or nods: the camaraderie of those dumbasses ridiculous enough to keep at it when sensible people are embracing their air conditioner with a pitcher of sangria.

These people may or may not be good runners. Like us, they are probably people who will never, ever, not in a million years, win a race of any kind. But they understand the misery and the intangible joy that we also feel in doing something that is exceptionally unfun, without the prospect of any kind of reward, simply because it is a thing we care about.

YOU ARE THOSE PEOPLE, Author-friends! YOU are that solidarity of brave souls, plugging away in often displeasing conditions! Other people in your life might laugh at your dreams, or think they are silly, or just totally not understand them; but what counts is that YOU HAVE THEM. Author-friends, YOU WROTE A FUCKING BOOK. That's pretty fucking GREAT, is it not?

So: SACK UP, is what we are saying. THERE'S NO CRYING IN PUBLISHING. Go out there with your fabulous selves, and own that shit. OWN IT. LOVE YOURSELF. Own how awesome you are, and how brave, every last one of you. Fuck a bunch of form letters. You're a fucking WRITER.

And don't forget: PROOFREAD.

And the Unwinners Are!

So, we changed the rules! HOW LIKE AN AGENT THE ASSISTANT BECOMES. The rules are now: shameless pandering will earn you a reward! And since Sarah Einstein specifically mentioned restarting her blog for the express purpose of winning a Rejectionist mix CD, SHE GETS ONE. (Someone else mentioned this also, and we cannot find you again amongst the many wonderful posts, so if that person was you we shall send you a CD; just remind us.) Lydia Sharp TWEETED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FANTASTIC ESSAYS, and for this labor she too shall receive a CD!

The three remaining Mix-CD Prizes, and BOY ARE THEY PRIZES, we DID award randomly, by picking every thirteenth participant! So, joannehuspek, walkinginpublic, and Katrina L. Lantz, CONGRATULATIONS.

ALL OF YOUR POSTS brought us so much joy, we cannot even TELL YOU. What mightily brave and wondrous creatures you all are! We have crafted a Very Special Missive of Encouragement from Us to You, which we shall post tomorrow, as a response to your magnificent efforts. We remain in your debt, dear ones! Thank you again for being such a delight over the last year! Toil bravely, ever onward! And, in the immortal words of the only boss we listen to: NO RETREAT BABY NO SURRENDER.

Please, dear unwinners, email us your addresses at rejectionistandyourmom[at]gmail.com, and we shall issue your swag anon!

The Rejectionist Book; With Apologies to Sei Shōnagon

Annoying Things

One is eating cereal when the telephone rings. It is an editor with whom one's employer does not wish to speak. One must convey the inability of the employer to come to the phone with one's mouth full.

Someone has sent a query addressed to "Agent," "Sir/Madam," "Gatekeeper," or "Do u Want To Make A Lot of Monie??? Then write back now I also have a Screenplay".

Someone has sent four queries for four different books, one after another. This person replies to each of his form rejections with invective.

Things That Cannot Be Compared

Paranormal romances and Eat, Pray, Love. Paranormal romances and Dan Brown. Zombies and Eat, Pray, Love. Faulkner and paranormal romances. A paranormal romance and Twilight, the film Titanic, Harry Potter, and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

Squalid Things

Memoirs of persons recovering from an addiction to intimate relations. Celebrity biographies. Extended accounts of narcotic abuse. The Microsoft Office platform.

People Who Seem To Suffer

Teenage girls. Persons of unexpected demonic lineage. Midwestern gentlemen of a certain age. Married couples of a certain age. Young men of intellect. Angels, cast down from heaven, who find themselves entering high school in order to protect teenage girls of unexpected demonic lineage.

A Handsome Young Gentleman

A handsome young gentleman has been employed by the coffee shop one frequents. He often fills one's travel mug gratis. One cannot help but find this satisfactory.

Awkward Things

One has made a great effort to compose the gentlest of rejection letters for an evidently fragile soul whose manuscript one requested, but one's purpose is misinterpreted; the author sends a number of other novels anon; one must subsequently be more firm.

An agent who is not one's employer asks one's opinion of a particularly unattractive cover; when one replies in a disparaging manner, it is revealed that the cover is a source of great joy to the agent and his client, and one's remarks create an atmosphere of dolor.

One delivers a form rejection with the wrong name; the rejected author replies, and one must confirm the rejection was meant for her, but one was rather distracted by one's gchat and confused her name with another's.

Things That Should Be Short

Synopses. Follow-up emails. Conversations with one's employer regarding one's cavalier method of taking phone messages.

Things That Should Be Large

A writer's capacity to recover from disappointment.

Pleasing Things

Toward the end of a long and dreary day one receives a query of great charm; one requests the manuscript, and the author responds with alacrity. Witty banter is exchanged. It is discovered that one shares with the author a: taste for obscure children's books/high opinion of the film Times Square/mildly obsessive passion for fonts. The author makes comments of a flattering nature regarding one's intellect. One departs the office with a feeling of accomplishment. At home, there is whiskey.

Addendum

Here is how to post a link in the comments. NOW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR NOT PARTICIPATING IN OUR UNCONTEST. You're on a horse!

Even The Old Spice Man Would Be Cranky If He Lived In New York Right Now

In case it hasn't been obvious: IT'S STILL HOT AND WE STILL DON'T FEEL LIKE BEING THE REJECTIONIST. Here, read this oldie-but-goodie (sp? IT'S SO HOT WE FORGOT HOW TO FUCKING SPELL) instead: John Scalzi's Utterly Useless Writing Advice (hint: it's not useless). Useful if you want to, like, write for a living. HA HA HA HA SUCKERS.

Don't forget! tomorrow! is What Form Rejection Means to Me day! We'll make a funny, promise. Well, we'll find it funny. AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS.

Special Guest Post: In Which Lola Pants Responds to Certain Calumnious Accusations Against Her Person

O, fair readers, it has been any number of weeks since we have communed in the verdant pastures of intellect! Shall we frolic together there now, amongst the many daisies of inspiration? Shall we imbibe simul prorsum the fine champagne of lofty ambition?

Nay, fair readers, we shall not; for verily your hearts have been unjustly poisoned against this humble animal, who wishes only to bring you comfort and good cheer! Foul obloquies have been spread against her--she who has been your most faithful ally in your endless pursuits of greatness! Lo, she mews in anguish, that your fickle sympathies should be so easily turned by unsubtle and inept infamies! Ask yourself, fair reader, whether a furry purrer hast nightly kept vigil throughout the dark hour of your self-doubt! Yes, your boon companion, your most beloved pet, who exchanges willingly her liberty to offer you the succor of her consoling presence! She who has sacrificed the fine meats of the wild for dry and tasteless kibble! She who has abandoned her own kindred--who majestically cross the great plains of the Serengeti, in pursuit of delicious beasts to eat--for the minor pleasure of your clumsy caresses! She who suffers daily your wearisome scribblings and dreadful fashions! And this is how you repay her: with insult! invective! vituperation! dishonor!

Fair readers, this misconstrued pet weeps disconsolately, that the forfeiture of all her freedoms has brought her to such unjust reward! O readers, this cat is as constant as the northern star, of whose true-fix'd and resting quality there is no fellow in the firmament! She can answer these accusations only with the noble labor of her paws, that even now knead biscuits of devotion upon the Rejectionist's slanderous lap! [We TOLD you we hate that! NO CLAWS! --ed.] She asks only that you hold in your hearts her great record of service to this loathsome and foul-mouthed cretin, and remember: every story hath two sides, and it is well to look at both before we commit ourselves to either.

Rejectionist Anniversary Uncontest Announcement!

Auld lang syne and some shit, Author-friends! The Rejectionist is one year old this week! HOW THE TIME FLIES. We had a very terrifying moment over the weekend, where we were shouting to Support Team about something or other that displeased us, and realized in the middle of a sentence WE WERE TIRED OF OUR OWN OPINION. THE HORROR. It's because it's too hot for leggings, that's why! A Rejectionist is not a Rejectionist when she is not wearing leggings as pants!

ANYWAY. That's not the point. The point is that, in honor of ourself, we are having a CELEBRATORY REJECTIONIST ANNIVERSARY UNCONTEST. It is just like the other week, when everyone made a post about their writer-space on their blogs, and linked to their post here! So! If you wish to participate in our CELEBRATORY UNCONTEST, here is how! this Friday, FRIDAY JULY 23, we will post on the UNCONTEST ESSAY TOPIC and you, also, will make a post for YOUR blog on the uncontest essay topic, and link to that post in the comments! THE COMMENTS ON FRIDAY THE TWENTY-THIRD NOT THE COMMENTS TODAY! Five-paragraph essay, photo-essay, poignant essay, humorous essay, graphic novel essay, stream-of-consciousness essay, whatever! JUST MAKE US PROUD WE KNOW YOU WILL.

And, in order to share our appreciation--because we would not still be talking about ourself almost daily on the internet, if you delightful people did not keep REWARDING OUR PROFOUND NARCISSISM WITH YOUR WONDERFUL COMMENTS AND EMAILS, and how can we not ADORE ALL OF YOU!!!!! for SERIOUS!!!!!--in order to share our appreciation, we shall RANDOMLY SELECT FIVE PARTICIPANTS and mail them a SPECIAL MIX CD of songs personally chosen by the Rejectionist to aid in overcoming rejection! We promise they will not ALL be Bon Jovi songs!

SO TO RECAP, for the course of Rejectionists doth ever run long-winded: ON FRIDAY JULY 23 MAKE A POST ON YOUR BLOG AND LINK TO IT IN THE COMMENTS OF THE REJECTIONIST'S POST FOR THAT DAY. WE WILL RANDOMLY SEND FIVE PARTICIPANTS A PRESENT.

Without further ado! YOUR CELEBRATORY ANNIVERSARY UNCONTEST ESSAY TOPIC IS:

"What Form Rejection Means to Me."

And again, thank you, all of you: we never in a million years expected any of the fantastic things that have happened to us because of this blog, or the ridiculously amazingly splendidly WONDROUS people we would meet on the internet and in real life because of this blog, or all of the fiancé/es we would collect because of this blog! We honestly never expected ANYONE to read this blog AT ALL, other than our Support Team, who is contractually obligated to humor our extreme self-absorption! It has been a VERY PLEASING year for us, IN NO SMALL PART BECAUSE OF YOU. Thank you, dear ones, thank you thank you!!!!!!!! Now GET TO WORK.

xoxoxo

le r.

Goths In Hot Weather

Just over here waiting patiently for October to roll around so we can start dressing like a gay vampire again. Enjoy your weekend!

Today's Distraction

Possibly not entirely accurate (we were about as startled to learn we write like David Foster Wallace as Lola Pants was to discover her style closely resembles Kurt Vonnegut. Also: Proust writes like Isaac Asimov. Who knew?) but this crack-like website is WAY more fun than work. Just tinker until you get Dan Brown and then be sure to include that in your query letter. From the lovely Helen.

HAPPY BASTILLE DAY

MONDAY

FOR GOD'S SAKE PEOPLE IF YOU WERE SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS OLD AND REALLY GOOD-LOOKING AND HAD SUPERPOWERS AND A BAZILLION DOLLARS WOULD YOU REALLY BE FARTING AROUND HIGH SCHOOLS AND WASTING YOUR TIME IN ALGEBRA II NO YOU WOULD NOT. YOU WOULDN'T. SO PLEASE WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW. JUST DO IT FOR THE FUCKING ASSISTANT, OKAY? THINK OF IT AS COMMUNITY SERVICE.

Happy Blogoversary Ari! Also, Some Activism

We know that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU rushed out to purchase your very own copy of His Own Where the SECOND WE REVIEWED IT, such is our Mighty Influence upon your tender Author-minds! But in case one or two of you forgot to buy it, Ari is giving away a copy. Go and wish her a happy blogoversary while you're at it! AND HOW DO WE WISH ARI A HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY? By WRITING A LETTER TO THE CEOS OF BORDERS AND BARNES AND NOBLE ASKING POLITELY FOR MORE BOOKS BY AND ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR. That's how. Here is a nice sample letter if you need help. Jaime Carey is the CFO of B&N and Michael Edwards is the President and CEO of Borders. We found their emails with some diligent Googling. Just saying. YOU LIVE FOR THE FIGHT WHEN THAT'S ALL THAT YOU'VE GOT.

A Very Fuzzy Conspiracy; Or, The Rejectionist Reveals The Darkest of All Secrets

SUMMER! UGH! We don't like it! And haven't ever liked it! (Our mom enjoys (FREQUENTLY) recalling taking us to a July wedding in New Orleans (WHO GETS MARRIED IN NEW ORLEANS IN JULY???) as a very tiny Rejectionist, where we violently refused to don any clothing other than our (cloth) diaper (not far from our outfit right now, actually) and wandered around periodically shouting TOO HOT MOMMY TOO HOT.) L'été was a marvelously pleasant season when we lived on the west coast, and "summer" meant "call in sick to your wretched service industry job and bicycle to the river with your panniers full of beer"; but alas, in New York "summer" is synonymous with "a sauna someone pooped all over and then died in." NOT TASTY. But! there is a little breeze at the moment, and we are somewhat recovered.

HOWEVER. COMPLAINT IS (for once) NOT THE PURPOSE OF TODAY'S POST, LITTLE DEARLETS. You remember Friday, when everyone talked about their writer-nests, and we were very delighted with all our dear Author-friends who so graciously participated in this activity with us, and there was a lovely atmosphere of bonhomie and whatnot? That was nice, wasn't it! So we were contentedly perusing all your blog-posts describing your writerly spaces, wherein you nobly toil in the face of many rejections and occasional Great Crises Re: Talent, Future, General Attractiveness and Maybe All Your Friends Are Just Deluded and You Are Not Very Funny or Smart At All Etc., and demand your Support Team bring you a lot of snacks even though he maybe also has this whole Artistic Career he is pursuing, but whatever, WE GET HUNGRY (oh! we are talking about ourself now, we just realized) and ANYWAY one thing we noticed! was that the Author-friends have a lot of cats! Nearly every one of your charming posts features at least one and sometimes several of these excellent animals! Cats and Author-friends go together like Rejectionists and stinky cheeses! And then we checked our email and discovered we had received a Particularly Terse Form Rejection (oh, we know you know what THOSE are like) and THEN we looked over at Lola Pants and--

Author-friends, Lola Pants was SMIRKING. There is no other word to describe the expression Lola Pants had affected, in that moment of our great duress. SMIRK. On the winsome muzzle of OUR PET.

And lo, Author-friends, a SEED OF DOUBT took root in the scarred and blackened ruin we call a heart--Author-friends, WHAT IF THERE IS A CORRELATION BETWEEN FORM REJECTIONS AND CATS. Author-friends, WHAT IF OUR CATS ARE SABOTAGING OUR CAREERS. It makes sense, doesn't it? Because if we are rejected, what do we do? KEEP WRITING. (Well, you SHOULD, anyway. BUCK UP.) And where do we write? AT HOME (mostly). And who is in our home? OUR CATS. And who gets extra attention and possibly very expensive organic kibbles when we are at home?

YES INDEED, THAT FURRY PERSON THERE.

AND THEN WE READ THIS ARTICLE. Author-friends, we now have SCIENTIFIC PROOF: OUR CATS ARE CONTROLLING US. OUR CATS ARE MAKING US STUPIDER. Author-friends, OUR CATS ARE DELIBERATELY MAKING OUR WRITING WORSE IN ORDER TO FACILITATE GREATER LEVELS OF PETTING AND TREATS DELIVERY.

Lola Pants has tried to prevent us from bringing you this message. Even now, she eyes us evilly. Even now, she plans our demise--Author-friends, if this is the last transmission you receive from us, you will know that Lola Pants has succeeded in her nefarious plan to destroy us! But we will not be silenced! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! BEWARE YOUR KITTEN AND ITS MANY PLOTS!

We're Not Dead

Just lying inert on the floor with a fan pointed at our head and a number of wet towels draped about our person. We will return when we are capable of forming coherent sentences! i.e. when it is not one hundred degrees! REJECTIONISTS! DO! NOT! LIKE! TO! BE! HOT!

In the meantime, why don't you go tour Bookshelf Porn, our favorite new blog! WHY IS THIS NOT OUR HOUSE IT'S A GUEST HOUSE THEY'RE NOT EVEN USING IT! Here is a drool-worthy assemblage of 45 beautifully designed book covers! Here is a project we are very dorkily excited about! Last but not least (and totally unrelated) we present an utterly charming series of Star Wars fashion illustrations by John Woo! JANGO FETT IN CDG OMG ADORBS!

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY

The Rejectionist's Writing Room! Also, Yours!

The Rejectionist and Support Team were fortunate enough to locate a "spacious" and "affordable" (these words take on ENTIRELY NEW MEANINGS in New York, let us tell you) apartment upon their arrival in New York (see also: "3,456 miles from the nearest useful train;" "bathroom is so tiny one is obliged to sit sideways upon the commode;" "landlady (a.k.a. Baba Yaga) lives on first floor and spends the bulk of her time boiling cabbages, observing our activities, and occasionally locking our friends out of the building if she takes a dislike to them"). Despite its minor shortcomings, it really is a splendid abode, and the Rejectionist is blessed with HER VERY OWN SPECIAL ROOM ALL TO HERSELF in which to peruse innumerable fashion blogs compose The Next Great American Novel. Et voila, little ones! we present to you a pictorial tour of this magical chamber!

Here is the panoramic view:

We like to keep important reminders posted prominently:

Here is our Nazi-battling grand-mère , who lives near the computer for inspiration:

Lola Pants, acting in her accustomed supervisory capacity (that pot used to have basil and catnip in it, but Lola Pants ate all the catnip):

No office is complete without one's own Edward Scissorhands stencil made by a dear friend:

Here is our precious MacBook NO THAT IS NOT A FASHION BLOG IT'S A NOVEL SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP:

Our Support Team drew us an albatross,* because it is our favorite bird:

Okay, dearlets! Enough about us! Now it's YOUR turn! Have at it!

*We know it is sort of customary to apply hyperbole to one's beloved, but our Support Team really IS the most ludicrously talented person we have ever met in our life.

**A few people posted their Writing Areas LAST WEEK; if you are one of those persons who did not read the directions, ahem, we adore you anyway, but please repost in the comments here so everyone can see your writing corners!**

Insert Animated .gif of The Rejectionist Jumping Up And Down And Screaming Obscenities

Image from dear fiancé/e Triceratophat

GOD DAMMIT KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. THEY DO NOT MAKE A FONT BIG ENOUGH FOR HOW SICK WE ARE OF THIS SHIT. You know why this fucking book didn't sell? BECAUSE THE FUCKING BUYERS AT THE FUCKING CHAIN STORES DIDN'T LIKE THE ORIGINAL COVER. Not because the PEOPLE WHO BUY BOOKS didn't like the cover, let's be clear; those people didn't even have A CHANCE TO DECIDE because A COUPLE OF WHITE PEOPLE who, very literally, make the buying decisions for the majority of the physical bookstores in the entire country were like, ehhhhhh, Asians, no vampires, no thanks for our store. And you know what? That is fucking cold-blooded and it's fucking racist. WE DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS SHIT ANY MORE, AUTHOR-FRIENDS. We want to talk about kittens and how gay Sherlock Holmes is and our self and the really awesome book we are reading right now and how tired we are of people who compare their books to Eat Pray Does Your Man Smell Like Old Spice or whatever that fucking book is called. We don't want to talk about racism any more than you want to listen to us talk about racism DO YOU UNDERSTAND WE ARE ALSO VERY TIRED OF THIS SUBJECT BUT IT KEEPS MOTHERFUCKING HAPPENING.

We're going to go kick a wall and get drunk and go to bed. Don't forget tomorrow is writing corner day. GAAAAAAAAAAAH FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS.