THE REJECTIONIATED PRESS
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2010
The publishing blogosphere is still reeling from the news that legendary industry kingpin Nathan Bransford is leaving agenting for another career. "I just don't understand how he thinks we can carry on without him," wept a longtime blog follower and aspiring novelist, who is working on a 365,677-word thriller featuring a telepathic infant vampire. "I don't know how I will keep querying without his little orange icon as a beacon of sanity and hope." Industry colleagues expressed sadness over Bransford's career change, but were unanimous in their acclaim. "An all-around good fellow, that Bransford," asserted Very Important Literary Agent "Steve." "I'm so happy for him. Things won't be the same without him around, but I wish him the best in his new field. They're lucky to have him."
Other industry insiders, however, expressed concern that a more sinister reason lay behind the move. "It's those fucking anonymous commenters," said one agent, who refused to give his name. "Those people drove him to the brink, I'll wager Stephenie Meyer's quarterly royalty payment." Another agent commented, "Andrew Wylie is clearly responsible. This thing goes all the way to the top." One wild-eyed and disreputable-looking assistant, who would identify herself only as The Rejectionist, snarled "He tried to pass himself off as an upstanding guy, full of great ideas, important insights, even-handed analysis, and incredibly useful advice for writers; an agent who devoted countless hours of his time to encouraging novices. But he got hundreds of normal Americans to read my quasi-Marxist, semicolon-abusing tirades, and only someone with evil powers could do that. Hey, are you gonna eat that? I'll eat that if you don't want it."
But the real explanation is even more surprising. Careful investigation pointed out an unmistakable trail of evidence leading to award-winning writer Jonathan Franzen, who caved under intense questioning. "I couldn't take it," admitted an emotional Franzen. "I knew he was on his way to a Time cover of his own, and I was overwhelmed with jealousy. I had to stop him somehow. I made some threats I now regret. I'm so sorry for all the people I've hurt." When it was pointed out Bransford will continue to write books while pursuing his new career, Franzen collapsed. "He's unstoppable," Franzen moaned. "It's like... it's like he's really talented, and he's a really nice guy. I'll never be able to match that."
Nathan Bransford was not available for comment, but reports are trickling in that a new, larger Death Star is currently under construction.
Image via deviantART
[But seriously: thanks so much, Nathan, for your boundless enthusiasm, posi-core attitude, general awesomeness, and support of The Rejectionist from pretty much the first week. MANY CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU, sir, and best of luck in your new endeavors.]