Dear Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century

Image made for us by the truly superlative Maine Character.

We are going to tell you a secret, which is probably not a secret, now that we think about it, but anyway the secret is: we like telling people what to do. We REALLY like telling people what to do, in fact. We EXCEL at telling people what to do. And clearly, the only logical next step, for someone who likes telling people what to do, is to follow in the footsteps of greatness and start an advice column! Perhaps if you follow our Advice, Author-friends, YOU TOO can someday be earning a horrifyingly low salary with neither benefits nor health insurance, paying out the nose for a "pre-war" Brooklyn apartment, attending High-Powered Literary Events for the free snacks whilst hacking ineffectively away at your "dreams"! Hey, it's better than ending up as Dr. Laura. ANYWAY, why don't you send us your dilemmas! existential questions! sticky social situations! and let the Rejectionist tell you EXACTLY WHAT IT IS you are doing wrong!

ARENAS IN WHICH THE REJECTIONIST IS QUALIFIED TO ADVISE YOU: What you should do with your life, when people are fucking with you, when you should break up with someone, inappropriate agent behaviors, outfits, publishing etiquette, where to eat dumplings in New York, which books to purchase for difficult people, how to rescue mice from glue traps, when you are being unreasonable, whether you should spend unseemly amounts of money on back issues of Sassy magazine that you used to own but THREW AWAY like a total idiot, the tastiest things to put on a sandwich, should you behave sort of erratically at a job interview for a prominent advertising firm so you don't actually have to deal with the question of whether you could live with yourself if you were making $60,000 a year writing ad copy for a corporation responsible for genocide in Nigeria, who is the best bartender in New York,* what to do when a friend you really like keeps saying things are "gay," is it okay to push tourists out of the way when they are blocking the sidewalk and taking pictures of each other, are leggings appropriate work fashions.

ARENAS IN WHICH THE REJECTIONIST IS NOT QUALIFIED TO ADVISE YOU: ANY question involving royalties, e-books, contracts, negotiations, foreign rights, or any other legal/fiscal aspect of the publishing industry, for reals, do not ask us these questions, we won't answer them and anyway either the fantabulous Rachelle Gardner** or the Right Majestic Nathan Bransford have between them already answered ANY question you could possibly have re: these matters in a well-informed, patient, and kindly manner. We have taken GREAT PAINS to have absolutely no knowledge of royalties, e-books, contracts, negotiations, foreign rights, and any other legal/fiscal aspect of the publishing industry. GREAT PAINS.*** DO NOT ASK WE WILL NOT ANSWER.

Address your questions to the Rejectionist, rejectionistandyourmom[at]gmail.com; please put something like "Advice" in the subject header. We shall be extra-charmed if you utilize one of these salutations (we are especially partial to "Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity" and "Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States").

*Dan, at Five Leaves in Brooklyn. THE BEST.

**An aside: WTF is up with the people who leave hostile anonymous comments for RACHELLE GARDNER? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. DO NOT FUCK WITH RACHELLE GARDNER.

***BECAUSE WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DESIRE to be an agent, is why. Okay? Okay. And given our penchant for shaving half our head, quitting all our jobs, and gallivanting off into the sunset, as well as our profound conviction that e-books "are not real books," you don't want us to be an agent, either.