The Rejectionist's First Query, Annotated For Educational Purposes
Monday, August 30, 2010
Dear Dorrance and Company, (1)
I am 7 1/2 years old (2), and I am writing a book (3) called "The Mystery of the Growling Dog." It is about Kitty Detectives solving a mystery about (4) some strange noises in Kittyland (5). A few weeks ago, I won $25 (second place) in a mystery writing contest (6). I was wondering if you published children's books (7). I would still like your brochure, and my adress (8) and phone number are on the coupon if you would like to call or write to me.
Thank you very much,
[The Rejectionist]
p.s. I would like it if you wrote back to me (9). Thank you!
1. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Oh, you mean the part where this query is HANDWRITTEN? Do we WRITE OUR QUERIES WITH A PENCIL, Author-friends? Or do we TYPE THEM? HMMM?
2. No one cares how old you are. Child prodigies are a dime a dozen these days, as are teen authors. Leave it out.
3. Do we query before our books are finished, Author-friends? NO WE DO NOT. NO! WE! DO! NOT! WE! FINISH! OUR! BOOKS! BEFORE! WE! QUERY!
4. "About" used 2x in the same sentence, second time improperly; sloppy.
5. What is the mystery? Why should we care? This is not a synopsis! Where is the hook! the intrigue! the pizzazz! Where is Kittyland! Are we talking a Kitty Noir, here? A sendup of the genre? A straight-faced mystery featuring cats instead of people? COME ON KID MAKE IT SNAPPY. THE ASSISTANT IS NOT INTERESTED IN THIS STORY AND IT IS YOUR JOB TO INTEREST THE ASSISTANT.
6. "Mystery writing contest"? So what? Did you win an Edgar Award? No? Then no! one! cares! Leave the contests out UNLESS THEY ARE IMPORTANT. Nobel? Yes. MacArthur? Yes. "Mystery writing contest"? NO.
7. Do we do our research before we query, Author-friends! YES WE DO. YES! WE! DO! We have this thing called THE INTERNET! GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER!
8. Do we proofread our queries, Author-friends? YES! WE! DO!
9. Do we attach passive-aggressive postscripts to our query letters, stating the obvious? NO! WE! DO! NOT!
There you have it, Author-friends! Our first foray into the world of querying, for your delectation and edification! Don't say we never did anything for you!
Posts
Awwww!
See, Rejectionist, I loved you even before I knew you.
Adorable.
Fantastic! Did they ever write back?
I wrote my first literary fan letter at around the same age, and received a nice letter back from the publisher explaining that the author had been dead for 20 years--another major research failure.
So . . . what did they say?
Vastly superior from some of the musings at SlushPileHell, you must admit.
Hey! My wvs is "prick." giggle
Well...did they write back to you? *curious*
This is perhaps the second coolest post I've ever read here. :)
Wow, I don't know about you Rejecto, but I think that Kitty Noir is the new vampire fiction. Totally hot. Like, Vampire Kitty-Cat Chronicle hot.
http://www.amazon.com/Vampire-Kitty-cat-Chronicles-Ray-Rhamey/dp/0615261884/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283176429&sr=1-3
This is all sorts of amazing! Please tell me they wrote back, lol. *I* certainly would have. A querying seven year old? My mind is officially blown! At seven, I was like "Agent? Wha...?"
omg--lol! successful coffee through the nose.
the awesomeness of this post rates right up there w/this: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule
I think you were unreasonably harsh to your 7 1/2 year-old self. Apologize this instant, or you're going straight to bed without any supper.
Adorable, humorous, AND educational. Love it!
WHERE IS MY COPY OF THE MYSTERY OF THE GROWLING DOG?!
best post ever in the world.
I love that you wrote the prize money amount first followed by (second place).
Oh, if only I still had a copy of the letter I sent to Mensa when I was eight, telling them that I'd found a mistake in our of their brainteaser puzzle books... it was totally in pencil. AMATEUR HOUR!
We've gotten worse.
Oh my God. Kittyland. Second prize in the contest. Please write back! I am wiping tears of humor, joy, and affection as we speak.
You might as well quit blogging now, because nothing else will come close to this.
I read this post at lunchtime and it made me snort a lentil up my nose.
I <3 U.
Perhaps there is a map directing us to Kittyland? "I want to go to there."
Our mom reports we received a form rejection in response to this effort. We will see if we can dig up this major early work next time we are visiting the Rejectionist family manse.
That is too precious. Early rejection and you still went on to work in publishing - a true professional.
This is beginning to sound like a superhero (or perhaps super-villain) origin story...
Wait - you finished the book? Even though it was so unkindly rejected? You must've been the coolest, most professional 7 1/2 year old writer in town.
And yes, please find this early work and post it in weekly installments.
This is so odd, because I wrote a *series* of dog detective novels when I was between seven and ten! Strange!
This brings a tear to my eye. J'adore Dior, J'adore.
Post a Comment