How to Reject a Rejectionist
Friday, April 23, 2010
Since you asked so nicely, Lydia!
Dear Rejectionist:
Thank you very much for submitting work to Fancypants & Pretension Quarterly. Although this submission isn't right for the magazine, we hope you will keep us in mind for future work. Not that we'll publish it. Also, only your parents love you; everyone else is just pretending.
Sincerely,
Fancypants & Pretension Magazine
In non-sad-kitten-related news, Author-friend Sanjay, whom you may remember from this excellent item, is HAVING A BABY (there is something in the WATER OVER HERE WATCH OUT!!) Congratulations, Sanjay!
Posts
ZOMG! That pic is perfect! Love the letter, too, but THEY'RE WRONG. Your parents are not the only ones who love you. WE LOVE YOU. ALL OF US. WE DO.
You all better back me up on this...
AND CONGRATS, SANJAY!
LOVE!
And I would've thought that the shredding, at least, would have been cathartic.
Surprise Quiz!
Name the movie...
L: Can anyone tell me who or what *this* is?
M: Don't know, but I bet it never has to look for a can-opener.
Awwwwwwwwwwww those meanies are lying! All lies! We DO love you!
Ink: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, oh course! They just met Shredder. I love that movie. It's so...the 90's.
Omg that kitty is so cute!
And Elizabeth gets the glory!
Ah, such a great movie. And with the worst sequels in movie history. Though the Highlander sequels give them a run for their money.
Seriously - tell me you know better than that!
That letter just says they like you, like your writing, just don't think the story works for them.
Now - as a 'rejectionist' - how do YOU interpret it?
Pshaw. Clearly morons. The lot of them. You have never written- Nay, are not capable of writing- anything less than sparkling, witty, diamond hard brilliance. Regardless of content suitability any publication would be lucky to have your insight and wisdom gracing their page. With the possible exception of Highlights. They're a bit particular about certain expletives.
We do indeed adore you!
Yay, my wife is famous!
But that is the most pitiful guinea pig I've ever seen.
@Fawn-
No, that's not what it says. It's just a basic form rejection. An e-mag I work with has an almost identical letter, except we admit that your grandma may also love you. Granddad's just pretending, though. ;)
They don't know what they're missin'.
Consolatory kittie pic:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/67059275@N00/4545736465/
Oh, and congratulations, Sanjay!
You've got something interesting coming your way. In the immortal words of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...
This is the story all about how
my life got flipped, turned upside down...
Dear Fawn Neun,
What this letter means:
"Some poor, noble soul, who slogs through six grazillion mediocre fictive efforts every week, probably for no pay and solely out of obligation to Literature, thought your short story was a snoresgasbord."
Oh Laurel! How sweet thou art, fair lady!
You gave them snores and gas Le Re? That must have been one doozy of a submission! ;)
@Ink,
I was going to say Edward Scissorhands. Clearly, I need to brush up on my nineties flix.
@Le R,
I am totally stealing-- er, borrowing the word snoresgasbord for my YA WIP. You shall have full credit on the acknowledgments page. Promise. ;)
Love it!
Laurel, you give a person ideas. Dangerous ideas.
And now I can never show my face in the dentist's waiting room again.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHA oh MAN TRICERATOPHAT. Whooeee. That kid looks just like us, too.
At least your parents love you. Agents never tell me that and I'M WONDERING IF IT'S TRUE ANYMORE.
OMG! Triceratophat, that was inspired!
And congrats to Sanjay! I can tell you'll be a better parent than I ever was and do all the things I never got around to. Like, oh, having a kid for example. See? You're a step ahead of me already!
And then, I think, there's some sort of thing involving diapers... Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it!
triceratophat: I think I have a crush on you.
Awww. Keep going, Rejectionist! I'm sure you'll get that "yes" soon.
Could have been worse, or as B.B. King sang, "Nobody loves me but my Mother/ and she could be jiving too."
... trying again, despite the fact that spelling is overrated...
@Rejectionist - Our mag sends out letters like this every day. If we don't like the writing style, we leave out the "keep us in mind for future work..."
It's a form letter, but we do tweak it a bit here and there.
We do get plenty of great submissions that are simply unsuitable. I've seen some really great stuff that I know will find a home, it just doesn't fit our editorial focus / demographic / direction / what have you.
You've certainly got the rest of that right, though.
~ Fawn, A Slogging, Noble Soul
I cannot tell a lie. I don't love you. I like what you do, I'm very glad you're here doing it, and I'd give you some of my bloodcells if you needed them, plus all the pocket lint you want, but I don't love you.
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