Dear James Franco
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
We were going to write an open letter to James Franco after reading his short story in Esquire last week, but the inimitable Sady Doyle did it for us. You want to know what reading really, really bad "literary fiction" is like? It's like this: "Now me and Jack-O' are driving down the dark 280 freeway. Me and fat boy cruising. And I think about that missing tooth, and that gap, and how there was never a gap in that place before, and about three dimensions, and how the gap was on the inside of his mouth unless he opened his mouth and how things, shapes, folded in on themselves, and four dimensions, and if time is variable, then how do I vary it, and why do I want to? Because everything just focuses in on me and I hate it." Yeah, we hate that, too. Thanks to our beloved Chérie l'Ecrivain for directing our attention to Mr. Franco's literary activities.
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I think n he wrote this while he was deep in character for Pineapple Express.
WORD VERIFICATION: regast. To be aghast all over again. Like when reading James Franco fiction for a second time.
Wow, James Franco. Wow.
Maybe it's a bad joke? Like when Phoenix went on Letterman and was a total ass?
Uh Ohhh! Looks like someone was trying to be literary!
Hey, it was better than I thought it would be. Anyone have a copy of that Ethan Hawke novel?
I have no idea who James Franco is, but I'm guessing he's some kind of a satirist?
I have Wordled this short story for you.
And now I feel the need to blog about it. I AM INSPIRED!!!
Nice word ver, Rick. Haha.
Cans someone define "literary" for me, please? Because many of the examples I've seen lately are just big ol' balls o' crap. Is it what we call fiction that only an elite group of dung beetles can appreciate?
Huh. I liked it. The article by Sady Doyle, on the other hand, got on my nerves. I wonder if this means I'm doomed and will never ever get published.
I critiqued something like that once. It made me glad I'm not an agent or publisher. I think I might cry myself to sleep every night.
@Empty, query the people who publish him :)
OMG GENIUS CKHB
Dear Empty Refrigerator, James Franco got a book deal, so it's not like anyone is listening to us or anything. THERE IS NO FUCKING JUSTICE IN THIS BITTER BITTER UNIVERSE.
Empty Fridge - it's not the fact that you liked it that dooms your publishing career. It's the fact that if someone else is famous enough, they'll publish anything they spew, regardless of quality. There go your publishing dollars...
Empty Refrigerator, the worst part of this is that I think the Franco story has a little spark in it, but no one gave him a proper edit.
You're not doomed... you just see the spark a little brighter.
I read the first few paragraphs of that thinking it had to be satire. Nobody really writes like that, right?
Huh. And I thought all actors wanted to be singers and singers wanted to be actors. Does this herald a new trend? The lyrics of Lindsay Lohan were quite enough, IMHO.
On the other hand, writing anything that you know will be read by others takes balls. So, kudos to him for being ballsy.
Le R,
If you're in dire straights, I can offer you... *hold on, checking*... a packet of ketchup I swiped from McDonald's, a brick of brown sugar (just beat it a few times, it'll soften up), and whatever is growing in the Tupperware on the second shelf of my fridge.
No need to return the favor. HONEST.
It took me almost an hour to get through that. I had to stop every other paragraph to go cry in the bathroom.
I couldn't even make it through the first page. Doesn't he have anyone who loves him enough to say, "Seriously, don't send this out. You'll just embarass yourself."
You know, I'd be predisposed to like anyone who uses "fuck" and "fucking" that much, but... er... no.
I get the impression he likes to see what he can get away with, and Esquire fell for it. Shame on them.
yes, I believe this is satire. This actor had a short stint on a soap opera, sort of as a joke, sort of as a I-am-a-golden-god kind of thing. He's probably having a modern art installation somewhere too. His friend and PR guy is a genius.
Y'all, his MFA is from Columbia. That story is not a joke. Trust us.
Oh James...James. When is just being pretty enough?
ohhh my crush is RUINED!
though I particularly like the found poetry in the wordled remnants:
"think just like little fuck time"
We actually had a relatively big rock star who was going to submit a piece of fiction to our lit journal. He stipulated that we let him use a pen name. Franco should have been so wise...
And I thought Dan Radcliffe's poetry was bad.
I keep coming back to these comments. Why? Well, procrastination on a book review I'm writing, mainly. But secondly, because I'm sort of (embarrassingly) fascinated with what I think is turning into an Internet mob with pitchforks and all that. I wonder if some on here are sort of falling victim to the Ashe Experiment phenomenon (look it up!) Or maybe not. But I feel like I'm at a party where everyone is at least a foot taller than me, blowing smoke and adjusting their Droids and drinking bourbon and wearing Prada or whatever the brand is for untouchable clothing and just focusing on Everything That's Wrong With Everything. It's gross. Oh well. Still love the blog, so there's that. I'll probably poke my head in later and see if anyone's taken off their stilletos.
Watch it Laurel. Ms. Lohan sues for $100 million when you use her name. Just ask e-trade.
I think she does warrant that single-name recognition, as long as the Lindsay is accompanied by any form of -aholic.
um, Le R.
that's why i invented THIS. just for you.
in honor of your name.
more sparkles.
I totally get the 'THIS IS WHERE I STOP READING' part of Query shark's reviews.
I couldn't even get through it.
Hey wait, my MFA is from Columbia too. I paid good money for it. Very good money. I could use that money now. I sure could. Maybe I should focus my attention. On. Me.
My favorite thing were the comments on Doyle's piece where people repeatedly asserted that she was just being mean and was like, totes jealous of Franco's prose skillz. "OMG UR JUST JELOUSE" yeah, haven't seen that one since sixth grade. Good show, folks.
I only got a little bit through the story before the "yuck, this sounds like some high school kid trying to be 'deep'" set in. However, bile fascination forced me to continue, until he got to the part about wanting to be Mexican because he is boring. THAT was where I stopped reading, partly because I'd just thrown up in my mouth a little and wanted to spit it out.
Shelley, I was thinking the SAME thing! I stopped reading less than halfway through because my eyes. were. bleeding.
Clearly my opinion means squat if he's got a book deal (really?! REALLY?! Okay, I'm done). But wow.
Yeah, my crush is officially never coming back.
I thought, how bad could it be? Then I read it. Wow.
Did you see this article about Nicholas Sparks? Genius.
http://www.cracked.com/funny-4725-nicholas-sparks/
I wanted to read the really bad short story, but I can't. Someone at Esquire is counting the hits they get on this piece and I don't want to add to that bottom line that screams, "Wow, he's read by a lot of people! He must be great! Maybe he'll write something else!" Thanks, Sady, you did me quite a service.
Aww, his hotness level just went down. Illusions are better left untouched. DAMMIT
It's a joke and not because I fell in love with him only after Pineapple Express! LALALALALALALALA! *runs away with fingers in ears*
roseduncan, Seidhlinn, you do realize that when a story is written in first person the narrator is not the author, right? The narrator (the I character) is just a character in a fictional story. His thoughts and actions in no way mirror the thoughts and actions of the author.
Siedhlinn, i think the intent of the story was to elicit exactly the reaction you described. You weren't supposed to like the narrator and he was supposed to sound like a pathetic doped-up high-school or college dropout who thinks he's some kind of amazing philosopher.
The story's not as bad as all the people in the mob are shouting it is. If it wasn't written by a semi-famous actor everybody would've thought, 'meh, another typical angsty lit story' and moved on.
Seriously, i think we spend way too much time looking for high horses to ride.
Further reason I adore Seth Green.
Plus, I can't separate James Franco from the sleazeball he played in Whatever It Takes, in which his answer to "How many stories were there in Nine Stories?" was "N-n-n-n-nine."
The view's not very good from a pony.
My favourite celebrity writing attempt is still Levar Burton's "Aftermath" in which a brave scientist invents a "Thought Enhancer" which allows people to self-cure all disease. Evil doctors, worried that this means the end of their enormous profits, set out to kill the scientist. At one point, a Wise Old Indian rams the evil doctors with a bicycle while shouting "Geronimooooo". I kid you not.
Yes I do realize that when a story or novel is written in the first person it is not necessarily the author, though sometimes the two things are awfully hard to separate. I was making a point about the self reflexive quality of the writing. And come on, this wouldn't have been published if James Franco hadn't written it. Let's get real. And I do like his acting a whole lot better than say Ethan Hawke's.
Hmm, i didn't see anything more self-reflexive in that story than i do in most stories of that subject and style. But then again, i wasn't reading it with a preconceived notion of what Mr. Franco's writing ability would be.
When i read it i thought, 'this is written well enough, though not my cup of tea, but not many stories in Esquire are these days' and moved on.
And btw, rose, your comment still implies that Franco inserted himself into the narration. Do you think he did or not? And i'm not asking that facetiously.
I agree with Jen. The Franco thing...it's a joke, right?
Shadows make it shadow color. A gaping gap.
Eh?
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