The Cold and Ugly Light of Truth: Special MFA Edition
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Dearest MFA-getting Author-friends! We have a very special and sobering message for you today, inspired by the reams and reams of MFA-produced short stories and fictive efforts we have been reading lately, many of which are quietly pointing us toward the inevitable conclusion that whatever the hell they are teaching you up in there, it has nothing to do with Publishing. Lucky for you, little ones, you have us! to pour the ice-cold pitcher of Reality Water over your febrile and loftily-aspirationed heads!
1. Ask yourself the following questions: 1. Have I published a short story in The Paris Review? 2. Have I published a story in the New Yorker? 3. Am I Wells Tower? 4. Am I a talentless but famous white dude with lank, greasy hair? If you cannot answer "yes" to at least one of these questions, your odds of publishing a short story collection are somewhere around .001%. If you can answer "yes" to two of these questions, those odds will go up slightly (if you answer "yes" to questions #1-3, you should totally call us, we will buy you a beer at the Pencil Factory and you can tell us about being in a band with Al Burian). It doesn't matter where you got your MFA (sorry, Iowa!), it doesn't matter how much McSweeney's loves you, it doesn't matter how many awards you have gotten (unless one of them starts with Guggenheim or MacArthur) or how many times you have been in Best American Short Stories; your chances are very, very bad, and they are exponentially worse now than they have ever been. Half the reason we are so goddamn cranky is that we are constantly seeing profoundly talented people passed up for books that are "more commercial" (read: "OMG the hot new dude at school IS ACTUALLY A SUPERNATURAL ENTITY WHO WANTS TO DO IT WITH ME!!!!"); it makes us sad, but the industry right now is not a pretty picture, dear ones. Publishing in highly regarded literary journals will absolutely help your career, but it won't get you a book deal for a story collection. Read some of these people: Edward P. Jones, Lydia Davis, Ludmilla Petrushevskaya, Elmore Leonard, Mavis Gallant. Ask yourself: am I this good at writing short stories?* If the answer is no: write a novel. No really; WRITE A NOVEL. If you query an agent for your collection, and the agent says "Great! Come back when you have a novel," we're going to say we told you so.
2. Do they, like, hand out a memo on your first day of your MFA program telling you that writing about alcoholic working-class men who cannot communicate with their sons/fathers/wives is the only way to convey Authenticity? Well, take it from the assistant: we never want to see another goddamn book about an alcoholic working-class man who cannot communicate with his son/father/wife ever, ever again, particularly if that story is written by a 22-year-old white kid from Westchester County. Other important things you should know: abortion does not always Tear Relationships Asunder, and anyway Ernest Hemingway already wrote that story in 1927; people from the South occasionally do things besides beat their children; it is possible for a character to have a Moment of Self-Actualization without killing an animal with his/her bare hands; FOR CHRISSAKES HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO OPEN YOUR STORY/NOVEL WITH A SNOWSTORM. Don't be sad; you should see what WE were writing when we were 22 (hint: it was fucking terrible). Everyone needs some time to crank out the piffle, except for maybe ZZ Packer. But you must learn to be ruthless with your own self. If it is bad, DO NOT SEND IT OUT. YOU HAVE TIME. Even if you are not 22. Trust us. José Saramago didn't publish a novel anyone gave a shit about until he was 57.
3. You have to write a query letter. You really do. Your query letter needs to tell us the following: 1. Who you are and 2. WHAT YOUR BOOK IS ABOUT. Even if you are a Stegner Fellow.
4. You may have more options if you are looking to publish with independent and university presses, who are often helmed by awesome and brilliant (if penniless) people who are much more open to the idea of, say, a surrealist short fiction collection, or an experimental novel written as an homage to Oulipo. The important thing to remember is that big publishing is owned by Satan, and what Satan cares about is money, and the prevailing sentiment in publishing is that short story collections/high fullutent literary fiction projects don't sell. (Is that even true? Who knows. Everything Ravaged, Everything Burned sure seems to be doing fine. Oscar Wao spent a real long time on the NYT Bestseller list. As with some other conversations we've been having about what "doesn't sell," often times "it won't sell" is shorthand in publishing for "we don't feel like trying very hard to market it/we have no idea but it seems scary/we would rather spend money giving a large advance to Lauren Conrad/people of color?!?!? WHAT!! THEY READ??!?!.") Again, we are not telling you this because we think it is the way things ought to be; we think it is a rather awful way for things to be; but so is capitalism, and no one is listening to us on that count either, okay? Okay. Odds are good you're paying out the nose for that fancypants degree; make your program bring in real live agents! real live editors! and real live publishing professionals! who can talk you through the process and explain how the industry works. We are not here to discourage you!** but to make you stronger!
*One clue that you might be: agents will be contacting you, not the other way around.
**Well, we are definitely here to discourage you from writing stories about alcoholic working-class men who cannot communicate with their sons/fathers/wives, commencing with a snowstorm.
Posts
SO I have this short story collection about alcoholic middle class men and men who have trouble communicating and snowstorms... Howz about it ? :)
1. If you help me with questions one and two, I'll change my name to Wells Tower. My middle name will be Fargo. And I used to have lank, greasy hair (well, more wavy than lank) so I think I should get a half point for that. And I was on the local news twice last year. Fame, baby, fame.
2. I like snowstorms.
I also use to like alcohol.
But I had trouble communicating with, well, pretty much everyone, really. Slurring words, you know.
I did really like blindness, though, and thought the whole quotation markless thing that blurred everything together was perfect for reflecting the story. And then I read some more of his stuff and realized that was just his schtick.
3. I have a book signed by Stegner... does that count for anything?
4. Which one's Satan again? Is he the one that never chipped in for the Cheesies?
It seems a fine line between being a a talentless but famous white dude with lank, greasy hair and a talentless but infamous white dude with lank, greasy hair.
Do the infamous ones have any better shot at publishing a collection?
All my dreams have just been crushed! j/k.. I have no interest in writing about alcoholic snow storms. :)
Brilliant. This post just made my day. Thanks!
This post is one big TYPO. What you meant to say was, "Lydia, I'm feeling a bit dry today. Do something about it."
As you wish, Buttercup-- er... Le R.
How about a story about an alcoholic man who has trouble communicating with snowstorms?
If we weren't already engaged, I would propose to you THIS VERY MINUTE because of this post.
Well thank God I'm writing a sex parody with lots of naughty puns in it. It is the Smientifically Proven Antidote (TM) to stories about alcoholic working-class men who cannot communicate with their sons/fathers/wives, that commence with a snowstorm. And I ain't never done been to no MFA fer speshul schoolin.
@Tameson: Throw in a boring female teenager and I think you have a sinner!
I'm taking this post as a reason to drink at lunch, and to consider 11:45 late enough for lunch, and then to watch watch "Departures" on Netflix on Demand instead of reading my Foucault.
Is there still such a thing as "bartender college" and can I get my student loans deferred if I drop out of my MFA program and do that instead?
Lovely. Pithy. Delightful. As one of the unwashed masses who buys books, very on point.
Lit Fic does not automatically mean that every moment in the story must be horrifically depressing. Even depressed people can have a sense of humor and if they live in a normal latitude an occasional sunny day.
Also, can there please be a story arc? Please? A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich pretty much covered the "just put one foot in front of the other to get through my miserable existence" quota. If you excel at description and mood setting try poetry. I'll read that and enjoy it as opposed to say, a short story without a story in it.
What if the snowstorm is what's causing the failure to communicate? Phone lines can go down, cell phone signals have trouble getting through . . .
Oh. That's probably not what you meant.
Ah, the MFA beat-down. I love your blog, but I do feel a need to offer some clarifying information for any readers who are considering graduate-level writing programs.
Some programs are getting hip to the real world. University of Arizona has a program that helps young novel writers greatly AND sends out a lovely book of thesis excerpts to about 100 agents. Thus, nearly every fiction grad of 2009 has been contacted by least one agent who now patiently awaits their finished book. In several cases, said agents represent the very writers you name-checked in this post. In one case, an agent is actually waiting on a person to finish her story collection. My book is out with five people and I never even had to query.
Also, I'm not in debt.
I think the lesson here is to choose one's program wisely (and not to listen to Seth Abramson!)
Laurel, is "pithy" when you've had too much to drink and you keep running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes? If so, I was feeling very pithy last night. On a related note, I have a vicious headache this morning. Also, it's snowing today in Anchorage. True story.
"particularly if that story is written by a 22-year-old white kid from Westchester County"
What if the story is written by a 30-something white kid from Camden County? Is it okay then? And anyway, I only open novels with thunderstorms. Pfft. Who even writes snowstorms anymore? That kind of thing makes me want to throw my iMac out the black gaping gap of my window.
(Okay, that's not true. I don't have an iMac.)
What if I sent you a story about an alcoholic working-class man who cannot communicate with his daughter, commencing during a dark and stormy night?
Once upon a time, I thought about getting an MFA, but ditched that idea. I got tired of workshop classes where only thinly disguised autobiographies were deemed appropriate.
I'd like to believe MFA programs are worth the work and the money, but someone once told me MFA stands for Mostly Fucked Anyway.
this is why i love you.
and yet, even my love, you reject.
(i'll put it in a query if it helps.)
But strangely short story collections by black, Zimbabwean lawyers are seriously kicking some ass. What does this tell us about publishing, capitalism and the short story, Class?Snow melts in Zim?
Such a quandary.
Thanks Le R. I learn a lot from you. Thanks for much needed reality check this morning.
Even Michelangelo had to appease the Medici's...Shakespeare patronised the queen. Know the market, right? Publish the hell out of it.
And I'm discussing a short story collection in the interview I'm working on for you--published by a really small university press but nonetheless a finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award. (Lorraine Lopez's Homicide Survivors Picnic) Good thing she has a full-time university teaching position, though.
I only like to hear about the struggle that comes with making probably enough money to survive if he weren't *forced* live above his means by the unseen and unappreciated pressure to succeed put upon white American men. It really puts things in perspective for me.
I have a story about an alcoholic snowstorm.
Who can't communicate.
Because, by God, IT'S HARD BEING WHITE IN AMERICA!
I call it Death of a Special Snowflake.
Call me. I'll even stop washing my hair, just to ensure the requisite lankness.
LOL I have a BA in English/Creative Writing. This weekend, a friend came up to me and said, my niece wants to do a degree in creative writing, what can you tell me, and I immediately began flailing arms and screeching, "NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" :D
Dear ones! We are NOT telling you not to get MFAs! If you want to get an MFA and do not have to mortgage your future to do so, HAVE AT IT! MFAs can be great places to get lots of writing done/have hot affairs with your married colleagues and/or professors. Just, you know, don't count on a book deal, and don't send us boring stories.
Hmm, yes, I believe that's part of the condition of living in the South: beating your children.
Dear Lord Almighty, to people really believe these things?
This is fricking brilliant! I'm working on my MFA, but my goal was to make a commitment to my self to write. Some don't need an MFA to do this - I did. The pretentious crap that goes hand-in-hand with being a "writer" makes me ill. Thanks for posting this!
Dear lord where have you BEEN all my life? FOLLOW SUBSCRIBE BECOME A FAN.
Well, having been duly intimidated (Not even holding, nor aspiriing to hold an MFA, much less being a white male, talentless, or any of the above proposed prestigious scenarios) I suppose the only proper response [the one a lady would give, and I, aspiring to one day be one, so giving] would be
THANK YOU.
{most kindly}
(Imagine The Count of Monte Cristo being read in the background.)
Thank you for the wonderful post! However, I must say that I do adore a snowstorm. For real, I do!
Loved it and tweeted it!
I think I love you.
And here I've already pledged my undying love for Raistlin's sake and then I back track and read this.
YES! What is it with MFA's and the way they solidly plant themselves in a sepia tone universe, never to step into the colorful world of Oz?!
I'm one of those dedicated (and penniless) editors/publishers of a small literary journal/small press and I can tell you that it does't make a whit of difference to me if you have MFA on your cover letter or not.
We aren't interested in sparkly vampires or international spy thrillers. We aren't in it for the money, either. But we're certainly tired of the same old, washed out stories about characters that are ambivalent towards everything, even their own passions.
Take the MFA money and go buy everything that WASN'T literary that sold huge and read it. Learn from it. Then write it better; write it with intelligence.
Take the MFA money and go have a life to write about, first.
Beautiful!
Should be distributed to everyone who attends a fiction writing workshop,
MFA programs may tend to this, but I had already been writing, attending conferences, and submitting my writing when I began grad school. I managed to avoid the evils you speak up. Just in case, my writer's group had planned an exorcism once I graduated.
This was great!
I do have a question though:
With the advent of e-books, what could the sales of individual short stories be like? Maybe even episodic short stories where people purchase a story a week for $2.00/1.00/.50 or something...kinda like serials with Dickens and great television shows like Lost? =)
I dropped a class this year at a prestigious university because although it was supposed to be about novel writing the expertise and focus of the instructor turned out to be on elements of the short story. The classmate who took the early lead in setting the dynamic couldn't shut up about Glimmer train, McSweeny's, how much she loved flash fiction or this or that author's letters or journal. Several contemporary best selling author names and works were referred to only with extreme scorn. And genre? Forget genre - way too low brow for that crowd.
The approach to writing was erudite, rather than practical. My gut told me to run the other way.
This post speaks to what I was thinking back when I dropped the class, and verbalizes the disappointment I had with the experience very well.
This post is bullshit. All Larry Brown ever wrote about was drunk crackers who couldn't get along with one another, and his stories were amazing. It all comes down to skill and the ability to see people with a sense of empathy. It's dumb to try to graft on "exotic" qualities to your characters as a marketing trick. Write the type of story you want to write, just make sure it's truly excellent.
I agree with you Charles 99% on the question of craftsmanship, but most people don't want to fork over $29.99 (or even $6.99) for Larry Brown's stories.
Writers who want to make a living should know who they're writing for and what would make that audience fork over hard earned cash to support their endeavors. To proceed blindly on that front and expect a paying audience (or to expect a publisher to finance you without a reasonable ROI) is just plain naive.
http://editorialanonymous.blogspot.com/
See Sunday, Apr 11. Ha Ha Ha Ha!
@Jennifer
I know Seth Abramson. Seth Abramson is a friend of mine. And I'm preeeetty sure he's always advised people not to go into debt for the MFA, whatever the program's ranking is (at least if this New Yorker link is accurate)...
P.S. UA is listed by my friend Abramson as a top 25 program out of a couple hundred programs nationally -- I don't agree that people should ignore it! ;-)
I suspect book publishers classify all books into a dozen or so secret categories. They know they can sell X number of titles in any one category every year. People write approximately 1000 times X number of books a year. So one out of 1000 books in every category gets published every year. It doesn't matter if the book is good or bad. Some categories require that the book actually be bad. Probably most. If you knew what the categories were, and could tailor your book to the specific requirements for that category, you would have a slightly better chance of getting it published and making some money. But the categories are secret, so it's a crap shoot. Get a job painting houses. You're more likely to make the rent.
First good laugh I've had since I finished my taxes.
Jenny, your short series via ebook idea is brilliant. I think I'm going to steal it.
Mina "Writers who want to make a living" and who believe in the tooth fairy and unicorns. Are we crazy?
I agree with many comments about the MFA programs. I began in a Masters Program. I heard cr*p about Marxism and 'didactic materialism', was made to read things that had no story arc whatsoever by weirdly defensive workshop participants who had been working on the same opening paragraph for two years and high tailed it out of there. Really the only way to learn to write is to do it.
Though I'm going to check out the University of Arizona now.
Post a Comment