PARTY TIME
Monday, March 15, 2010
WAYNE: Hi guys! What's up! This is Wayne, from the excellent TV Show Wayne's World! And over here is Garth. Say hi, Garth!
GARTH: Hi guys! Party time! Excellent!
WAYNE: So listen, the weirdest thing happened to me this weekend! I was just gearing up for the Alice Cooper show, when I got a phone call! And there was this CRAZY LADY on the other end!
GARTH: Totally crazy!
WAYNE: Yeah, I said that already! Anyway, she kept yelling some stuff! It sounded like, I can't pick a contest winner! I can't pick one! They're all too good! And I said, Whoah, lady, you gotta calm down!
GARTH: Calm down!
WAYNE: Yeah! And she said, You have to help me! And I was like, Okay, cool!
GARTH: Cool!
WAYNE: So then she sent me all these metal lyrics! Only, they weren't, like, metal songs! Or I mean, they were like metal songs, but with different words! They were about books or something!
GARTH: Yeah, books!
WAYNE: So that was kind of weird! But even though I didn't really understand them, I could tell they were really awesome! And I was supposed to pick the best one!
GARTH: There were songs, too!
WAYNE: I was getting to that! Yeah, some people even recorded songs! That was pretty killer! This guy Tom and this other guy Rick Daley, they had some awesome covers!
GARTH: Tell them about the part where Rick Daley made the tearing paper sound effect!
WAYNE: Oh yeah, that part was cool! Then there was this really excellent duet! Who ever heard of a heavy metal duet? But this lady Lucy Woodhull, she made a really great duet!
GARTH: Yeah!
WAYNE: And there was this totally killer drop-crotch pants reference in d minus 's song!
GARTH: What's drop crotch?
WAYNE: I dunno! I bet it looks cool in New York or something, though!
GARTH: Not Milwaukee!
WAYNE: Noooooooooo, Garth. So also, this lady Kimberly Kincaid had a really good one too, there was stuff about zombies being over!
GARTH: Zombies were out in 1990!
WAYNE: I know that, Garth! Yeah, and this McCormick person even dropped a Kristeva reference!
GARTH: Who's Kristeva?
WAYNE: The author of Desire in Language: A Semiotic Approach to Literature and Art , who was heavily criticized by Gayatri Spivak, among others, for her ethnocentric feminist theory! Everybody knows that!
GARTH: Oh.
WAYNE: So anyway, I guess I had to pick the best one! It was hard! These people are really funny!
GARTH: Funny!
WAYNE: And people recorded songs and stuff! It was like the coolest contest I ever saw!
GARTH: Cool!
WAYNE: So then we thought there should be a battle between the finalists!
GARTH: Yeah! Like this one!
WAYNE: Excellent! But we don't have a prairie!
GARTH: No! No prairie!
WAYNE: But I wanted to help this crazy lady out! And it took me a long time, but there was this one, it had the greatest lines ever! Like this: "Like Animal Farm but set in space!" Or "if you want to write, pretend you care"!
GARTH: Man, those are pretty good. But wasn't that the Aerosmith song? Aerosmith isn't metal.
(Pause)
WAYNE: Well, if you make a Guns 'N Roses station on Pandora, you get Aerosmith songs.
GARTH: That's cool, then!
WAYNE: So yeah! So we picked a winner!
GARTH: It was hard!
WAYNE: And we weren't worthy! We're not worthy! But the winner is...
GARTH: The winner is...
WAYNE and GARTH: TRICERATOPHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAYNE: So this person gets a query critique! and a book! and should email rejectionistandyourmom at gmail.com to claim these items!
GARTH: But also a special prize!
WAYNE and GARTH: OF A HEAVY METAL MOTORCYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To the tune of "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith:
Workin' like a dog for the boss man
Workin' for the agency
And every single day I'm tossin'
Out toothless vampire fantasy
And it seems the more I look
The more bad queries I find
I can tell not one of these should be a book
Just from the opening lines
Pitch in an elevator
"It's like Moby Dick meets My Two Dads"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Sixth Sense crossed with the Iliad"
This one's from a woman-hater
That one is a total bore
Rhetoricals come in later
What if you couldn't take much more?
And just when I think I'm done
Another hundred arrive
If I close my eyes and click on
Auto-reject, honey
I could be home by five
Pitch in an elevator
"Magic orphan twins are heirs to the crown"
Pitch in an elevator
"Then they're whole world is turned upside-down"
Don't use "they're," make it "their," if you want to write
Pretend you care
Pitch in an elevator
"You'll be sorry if you turn me down"
(Guitar solo)
Pitch in an elevator
"The next Dan Brown"
(Guitar solo)
Pitch in an elevator
"I call it baby's first Peyton Place"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Animal Farm but set in space"
"Gonna be a famous author"
"Gonna be a millionaire"
Hope the lotto makes you an offer
Because I can't help you there
Gotta get your query right
It's a test that you haven't passed
Stop wasting all your time on your log line, honey
Back to writing class!
WAYNE: You can listen to Tom's song he recorded!
GARTH: And Rick Daley's, too! It's excellent!
Posts
AHAHAHAH! I LOVE "Pitch in an Elevator!" Congrats to the winners, and thank you all for melting my face all week long with sheer awesomeness! :)
YAY!!!!! The sample pitches are genius. (And, I almost recorded my song for you... how cool that Tom & Rick actually did it!)
Word verification: radfu. Like kung fu, but more rad.
Congrats to TRICERATOPHAT! Brilliant lyrics.
Rick D. and Tony fantastic audio! :)
This was an awesome contest, Rejectionist!
Well.
My ears are bleeding.
...and I like it.
Thanks for the laughs everyone.
I'm not sure what was the best thing about this contest. The entries? That people recorded their songs? Or that WAYNE AND GARTH came out of retirement to present the awards!
Congrats Triceratophat! I will totally cop to humming "Love in an Elevator" for two days after reading your post, and I may or may not have laughed so hard that it hurt when I read the line about Animal Farm in space. Screaming awesome.
Bra-VO to Rick and Tom for actually recording songs- holy crap is that brilliant!
I'll also go ahead and admit that I'm a bit a-squee at having gotten a mention. I do so love to start my week with a good, soul-cleansing squee :)
Awesome, awesome contest. Now, if you'll excuse me...I gotta go figure out how to get Steven Tyler out of my head...
Awesome.
Schwing!
This contest was a blast. My favorite part was recording the sound effects for "my lunch is on the ground." Listen for the splash.
EXCELLENT.
That was SO awesome. Words fail, err....
Congrats to the winner! A fun contest. Knew I should have went with Deep Velvet or Bloodrock though...
Okay, that was awesome even through the haze of medication. My top hat is off to Tom and Rick. I'm wavin' the zippo.
congrats!!!
Oh, and I forgot: Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!
Wayne, Garth, members of the Academy; Just being nominated... etc, etc.
Gotta say, "Pitch in an Elevator" Sheer Genius. Maybe I'll record it...
Thanks for letting a humble dilletante word slinger participate. I'll take the opportunity to point all y'all to my decidedly non-metal alt-country band's myspace: www.myspace.com/secondhandsunday
Also, Rejectionist? Sorry, I think the recording you posted is the farked up one. If you're able to link to the one I posted in the very last posting... that's be most excellent! Thanks, sorry...
PS Rick, I heard the spit take in your song! Squishy goodness!
FIXED WE THINK. HUZZAH SUPPORT TEAM. Tom please let us know if it is not really fixed.
You rock. That is all.
:-)
All fixed! Thank you!
So of course I see this post when I am halfway across the country on the sketchiest wifi connection ever! I promise to email in to the designated address, but it may not be until I am home in about a week instead of on this internet connection where I'm pretty sure someone is reading my fingerprints from my trackpad and using them to commit various crimes. (Here's hoping they're at least glamorous and/or scandalous crimes.)
Thank you, Rejectionist and Author-friends-- writing my lyrics and reading everyone else's was the best part of a week when my often un-fun subcontinent of the publishing world was doing its best to drive me mad.
Dearest triceratophat, winning doesn't, like, EXPIRE. Take your time.
congrats! was great fun reading all the entries. would have been too hard for me to choose.
That was awesome! And the winning song totally awesome! Thanks LeR for the genius that is you. haven't had this much fun online in quite a while : )
"Like Animal Farm but set in space"
HILARIOUS.
Triceratophat - I just commented on the entry list before reading ahead and seeing you won. Congratulations! It was my favorite entry.
Oh, neato I got a shout out! I have been on vacation for a week, so pardon my tardy congrats to TRICERATOPHAT!
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