sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand
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At Cosmo's Fun Fearless Males the Booker Awards, Mario Lopez Hilary Mantel confessed, "I'm not really working on trying to find Ms. Right an agent. I'm kind of working on being Mr. Right a totally amazing writer, and it will happen." It got us thinking: Not only is Mario Hilary freakin' hot, [s]he's also pretty damn insightful. And experts agree: Before you go looking for your other half the perfect agent, you may want to work on yourself book first.

Here are the qualities that make you more desirable to guys agents. Think of it as your pre-dating querying to-do list.

1. You're just that into yourself.

A chick writer may have smarts, sex appeal, and a sense of humor, but if s/he doesn't have self-confidence, most guys agents will take a pass. Womenriters with low self-esteem come across as extremely needy, explains Jim Houran, PhD, relationship psychologist and feature columnist for OnlineDatingMagazine.com. They have to be the center of attention and are constantly looking for reassurance and compliments. And even if you find an guy agent who at first is willing to be your personal cheerleader, before long s/he's probably going to start to agree with all the crap you say about yourself book and take a hike.

2. You've got a burning passion...and not just for him an agent.

Whether it's writing is a hobby or a job, men agents are undeniably attracted to women with clear interests writers who are passionate about their work, write because they love writing, and have lots of enthusiasm, according to Houran. The benefits are twofold: The guy agent won't feel totally responsible for your happiness — a huge weight to put on a new love interest agent-writer partnership — and s/he'll be more inclined to want to be a part of your multifaceted life writing career.

3. You know how to compromise.

This is one of the most important skills to have if you're looking to get into a long-term relationship, emphasizes Houran. Being flexible is a huge turn-on to guys agents, since it means less conflict and a smoother partnership in general, he adds. If an guy agent senses that the girl he's dating writer s/he's signing isn't willing to try to meet both their needs, s/he envisions a future of trivial disagreements, fighting, and ultimatums — not exactly the makings of a happy twosome. Prove you know how to compromise early on by letting him/her weigh in on the restaurant choice editing process or not acting annoyed if s/he needs to reschedule plans phone calls or meetings.

4. You dress for guys online critique groups, not girls agents.

If you[r book is] not turning heads, it could be because you're looking girl-hot and not guy-hot sending out an ms with sloppy errors - typos, inconsistencies, or significant grammatical errors. Polish that shit until you can see your reflection! Skinny jeans, babydoll dresses, peasant tops — all supercute, but you might as well be wearing a Snuggie. Men want to see curves, so stick with sexy the remainder of this item is redacted because the Rejectionist found it too horrifying to repeat even for the purposes of satire.

5. You're over your ex first draft.

Nothing kills a budding romance agency agreement quicker than being hung up on an old boyfriend draft of your book. So before you get serious with a new guy agent, make sure you're not hoping — or worse, trying — to get back together with the ex or looking for someone just like him resurrect a draft - or worse, an entire first novel - that's totally unsalvageable. It's relationship-repelling for two reasons: No dude agent wants to feel like s/he's in an unwinnable competition signing an author who can't handle editing, and if you're living in the past, you won't truly be motivated to meet and make a connection with new guys work on new projects. So ladies Author-friends, move on and get an upgrade revise.

CS said...

very funny! who knew cosmo was so insightful

March 16, 2010 9:42 AM
Amanda J. said...

Haha, this is fantastic! I love it, and it's actually good advice, too. Who knew relationship columns were good for something? Lol. :)

March 16, 2010 9:50 AM
Laurel said...

Genius. I typically eschew Cosmo advice but this seems quite sound.

March 16, 2010 10:09 AM
Watery Tart said...

Sublime, as always. I particularly like the strikethrough stating there was worse that you actually couldn't stomach and so got rid of it *snort*

Great advice though!

March 16, 2010 10:17 AM
Heather said...

I'm glad you redacted that bit about wearing the right clothes. I was getting ready to throw up in my mouth a little.

Great advice, though! Your version is (obviously) far superior. As if I'd expect anything less.

March 16, 2010 10:23 AM
Matt Ryan said...

As a guy who grew up reading Cosmo - hey! intel people, intel - I can say that this is great piece of satire that both entertains and informs - again, intel.

March 16, 2010 10:48 AM
CKHB said...

The Rules (for Querying). I can't tell if I'm inspired or a little sad.

Okay, I see the section you refused to repeat even for the purposes of satire and I feel better.

March 16, 2010 11:03 AM
Lydia Sharp said...

Hee hee. Nice.
(yes, I'm still alive)

March 16, 2010 11:11 AM
atsiko said...

Hilarious... Woulda been better without the redactions. ;)

March 16, 2010 11:38 AM
Melissa Sarno said...

haha! Genius :-)

March 16, 2010 11:43 AM
Keith Popely said...

For some odd reason, I have a strong desire to query a woman agent.

March 16, 2010 12:32 PM
Kristi said...

Love this! Who knew Cosmo was so insightful?

March 16, 2010 12:47 PM
Tahereh said...

have i ever mentioned that you're a genius (or that i love you)?

because you're a genius (and i love you).

March 16, 2010 1:32 PM
Basil Zyllion said...

If Unpublished= virgin then where does a writer with braces, acne, and warm gummy bears left in her pockets sign up for the Audiovisual club?

March 16, 2010 1:48 PM
Genie of the Shell said...

I love it!! Strip away the nasty, overly sexed bits, and it's wise advice for any partnership, personal or business.

March 16, 2010 2:23 PM
Susan Quinn said...

You never know where you will find wisdom, Grasshopper.
:)

March 16, 2010 2:29 PM
Kimberly Kincaid said...

I just put a Post It on my desk next to my monitor that says "Polish that shit until you can see your reflection!"

This advice kicks ass and takes names.

And now, back to Cosmo...er, my manuscript. Right.

March 16, 2010 2:35 PM
Marsha Sigman said...

Now I am torn between looking for a boyfriend or an agent.

Wait, I am happily married.
Back to polishing my shit and looking for an agent.

March 16, 2010 3:27 PM
walkinginpublic said...

As I sat with my laptop looking out at East 73rd St, I couldn't help but wonder, if women in this down can't find the right man, how will they ever find the right agent?

Carrie would be so proud of this blog post.

March 16, 2010 5:35 PM
Christi Goddard said...

I'd be just the most well-behaved client in the history of the WORLD. I'd do their laundry, walk their dog, do their Christmas shopping, clean their dwelling, run their errands, shave their legs, massage their feet, vacuum their sidewalk... but I'm sure I'd come across as desperate if I mentioned that during the query process.

March 16, 2010 5:36 PM
walkinginpublic said...

*town ;)

i need an editor.

March 16, 2010 5:37 PM
zz said...

Just brilliant!

March 17, 2010 2:03 AM
Claire Dawn said...

Made of pure win! Polishing shit is the order of the day!

March 17, 2010 2:51 AM
Crimey said...

I love this line "Polish that shit until you can see your reflection!"

March 17, 2010 8:26 AM
Jennifer Ambrose said...

Genius! Thanks for a funny and insightful post. Cosmo is good for something after all!

March 17, 2010 9:51 AM
Clara said...

Best article ever. That simple.

March 19, 2010 6:21 AM
Lafreya said...

Genius absolute genius.

March 19, 2010 7:31 AM
K. Harrington said...

Love, love, love this! And how about the way some women relentlessly analyze a guys' phone message. That would be a great editing application to a ms. draft, too!

March 20, 2010 11:43 AM
melissaburon said...

love it!

March 20, 2010 1:40 PM
Bethany said...

Am I the only one stuck on the redacted portion and the implication based on what came right before it? I hate magazines.

March 20, 2010 2:01 PM
mclicious said...

Haha that's great!

March 20, 2010 2:21 PM
Ian said...

That is flat-out brilliant!

Despite being being put in the confusing position of a 'chick' writer by your blog- that post is a steaming hot cup of Earl WIN tea.

Please tell me, we're not all that needy, are we?

Are we?

March 21, 2010 7:10 AM
Tanya Byrne said...

This has made my day. So clever. Thank you!

March 22, 2010 8:48 AM
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