The Story of a Fierce Bad Agent

Super-sad, super-true: there are Bad Agents out there, the sort who sign you and never call you again, run off with money you shouldn't have paid them, or are just kind of dumb. Blech. But what's the worst that could happen to you, should you encounter such a person? Your career ruined? Blah, blah, blah, always about YOU, Author-friends! Well, quit your whining! You know what's worse than SIGNING with a Bad Agent? WORKING IN AN OFFICE WITH ONE. We weren't going to tell you about the Back-Office Horror, Cretinous van Poopypants,* we weren't we weren't, despite C van P's many nefarious doings, but C van P is currently working on the Film Deal for his Star Author, Sonorous McTwaddle,** and spending a lot of time shouting things into the phone like, "It's Spielberg or no one, you son of a bitch!", distracting us from our noble work of circulating your queries around the office and laughing at them finding gems amid the slush, AND WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. So here, for your edification: The Dark Secrets of Cretinous van Poopypants, Bad Agent.

1. Cretinous van Poopypants EATS THE ASSISTANTS' SNACKS out of the Kitchen Area EVEN WHEN THE ASSISTANTS CAREFULLY LABEL THE SNACKS WITH THEIR NAMES IN BLACK SHARPIE.

2. Cretinous van Poopypants goes through assistants like assistants go through whiskies. Last month's assistant was a gentle soul called "Winston" who would look at the ground when C van P yelled at him (which was ten to fifteen times an hour) and whisper, "Sorry." One day "Winston" left for lunch and NEVER RETURNED. The current assistant sometimes cries in the bathroom. Even the other AGENTS are afraid of C van P.

3. Cretinous van Poopypants has walked past our desk every day of the last year (barring the weeks C van P spends "at the country home") and said hello to us a sum total of ZERO TIMES yes that's right dear ones NOT ONCE. NOT EVEN A SMILE.

4. Cretinous van Poopypants doesn't tip delivery people even when it's, like, negative fifteen degrees and the streets are covered in ice. One time WE tipped C van P's delivery person out of pity and let us tell you C van P makes A LOT MORE MONEY THAN WE DO IN CASE WE HAVE NOT MADE THAT CLEAR.

5. Sometimes we think about putting tacks on C van P's chair even though we would never ever do such a thing in real life but if we did that would be really satisfying, just saying.

*Not his real name.

**Not his real name.