In Which We Reveal the Darkest Secret of All

We present to you, Author-friends, the vilest conspiracy of capitalism: Jeff Koons and James Patterson are the same person, and WE CAN PROVE IT.

Work dismissed as kitsch promoted by cynical self-advertisingXX
Work produced by factory-like stable of assistantsXX
Married porn star/member of Italian parliamentX
Married employeeXX
Fond of employing gratuitous sexual imagery in workXX
ShinyX (covers)X (sculptures)
Has referred to self in third person in interviewsXX
Former business executiveX (advertising)X (stockbroker)
Can be described in four words"sick, sexist, sadistic and sub-literate" Patrick Anderson, Washington Post

"artificial, cheap, and unabashedly cynical" Michael Kimmelman, NYT

Or more"absurd plotting, facile trickery and prose that is simply dreadful "

ST Joshi

"a decadent artist [who] lacks the imaginative will to do more than trivialize and italicise his themes and the tradition in which he works..."

Mark Stevens, The New Republic

No anagrams can be made from entire nameXX
Startlingly prodigious outputXX
Recent sales exceed those of anyone else working in field universe combinedXX
Publicly dissed by renowned critic/peerX (Stephen King)X (Robert Hughes)
Notable quote“Thousands of people don’t like what I do. Fortunately, millions do.”"There’s a difference between being famous and being significant."