FRIDAY
Friday, February 26, 2010
Dear ones! Do not send queries priority mail! Don't do it! There is no sane, competent agent in the UNIVERSE who cares if your unsolicited query is sent priority mail! It breaks the blackened and crusty wreck we call a heart to see you spend your hard-earned Author-dollars on FIVE DOLLARS OF POSTAGE FOR EVERY QUERY SENT! Which will arrive overnight and then languish quietly for a week minimum before being opened anyway! Regular stamps are fine, fine, fine! Really!
"Steve" is out of the office today! Because of blizzard! Does the assistant get to stay home because of blizzard! No the assistant does not! Neither snow nor rain nor sleet &c! The assistant cranks up the Metallica (TAKE THAT, CRETINOUS)! puts her feet up on the table! chomps her cigar*! and REJECTS! REJECTS! REJECTS! Out with your lawyers! your sexy private detectives! your tired vampire rehashes! your new-age spiritual manifestos! prison memoirs! cubicle romps! war stories! tax evasion scams! pirate porn**! something that is maybe narrated by a hedgehog but we can't exactly tell because the entire query is written in a largely illegible shade of fluorescent pink! WHY DOESN'T THIS GODDAMN OFFICE HAVE ROOM SERVICE!
*Okay, not really.
**Yep, really.
Posts
I will send you room service if you do not reject my manuscript! Nandi ;)
Is there mangst in the pirate porn? Then it would be okay.
And who doesn't like Enter Sandman?
And I admit it, I like war stories. As long as, you know, they're good war stories and not stream of consciousness ramblings about a marine's bond with his rifle, "Courtney the Conqueror".
And why oh why did you entice me with a book called The Dogs which I now must have but which is seemingly out of print and available in shiny newness nowhere in the world and oh Amazon why have you failed me so?
Pirate porn! Excellent! I have a delightful mental image of a devilish rascal wearing one of those plumed hats, a sword, and nothing else saying, "Time to walk my plank."
Days like yours are why this particular Author Friend has remained in her chosen field of education.
Because on days like this I get to stay in my pajamas, work on my revisions, and eat chocolate chips out of the bag until I am sick.
Dear Laurel, we wouldn't have rejected if we knew YOU had written it. HA HA HA HA HA
Dear Ink, we should have clarified: BORING war stories. The Dogs is OP!?!? WTF!?!?!? NO JUSTICE!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT WE'RE TEACHING HIGH SCHOOL
Empty office means it is time for chair races down the hall!
...Pushing here for this activity is not working. Please come visit, and we can race.
I'll send up room service as soon as I seal up a priority query for my new novel CRAPTACULAR, about a sexy private detective squirrel in love with a vampire pirate.
That last comment sounds hedgehogist. Perhaps flourescent pink is the color of their people/species/genus?, one should not judge.
Also: did this pirate porn come with drawings? Juuuust asking...
Is it freaky that my iPod just loaded up "Anywhere I Roam" on the shuffle? It is, isn't it?
Maybe everything about Metallica is just cosmic and made of awesome. In a screaming kind of way. Y'know.
Now, off to work of my spiritual manifesto that is deeply rooted in pirate porn. Written from a hedgehog's perspective. Those prickly little suckers can be damn insightful...
Happy Friday :)
Do bribes really work with Assistants????
If so, I'd like to send my MS Priority male so the chocolate chip cookies and homemade cheesecake are the freshest when they reach said assistant...
**says batting her eyelashes innocently
At least my thriller has no hedgehogs...
If it makes you feel any better I had to brave the blizzard, too. And I don't get any pirate porn, I get to read about botulinum neurotoxin. Top that.
I don't believe there is topping botulinum neurotoxin because I don't believe I know what the hell that is, but it sounds incredibly important. This is why I am terrified of ever having to look for another agent, be kind oh rejectionist.
I've opted for "Ride The Lightning" in tribute to LeR. It must be snowing on every inch of this country, because after weeks of global warming meltdown, Alaska woke up in Winter Wonderland yesterday and it hasn't stopped snowing yet. I, for one, am going skiing. C Ya.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
I know I've been slacking in drinkie shipments of late, but today I have a REAL excuse. I've got the dang-blasted flu again. However, I did manage to send a nice batch of germs to Cretinous van Poopypants. Priority mail, of course. DON'T TOUCH IT.
What about a book about the devil who's really a woman and god is her ex-husband?
Rej,
Once upon a time when I was about 13, I found a book in a stream behind the trestle. Being by nature a curious lad, I troubled myself to haul it up onto dry land. It was titled, "Vile Voyage", and was published by Pompeii Press. Having nothing better to do, I began to read it (in spite of the obvious difficulties). And found that notwithstanding its source, this was not "mainstream" lit.
It began promisingly enough - a young lady making preparations to attend an evening dance at a yacht to which she belongs. She arrives and for quite a while, things proceed as one might expect them to at an evening dance at a yacht club. The story takes a bizarre turn, though, when an anachchronistic pirate ship sails into the bay, attacks the yacht club and takes the heroine hostage.
The rest of the book was one long bout of bondage, sado-masochistic sex and sea-sickness. It was the only example of pirate porn I have encountered in this life.
I smuggled the sodden lump through town and left it in the cig-smoking hide-out a bunch of us had behind the muffler store, where it was studied in depth by many otherwise indifferent scholars until it became so moldy that the words could no longer be distinguished.
dylan
When you crank up your music and open your mail, does it trigger a rejecting montage? Because that would be a great way to work.
Ahem. I have a bit of pirate porn in my novel. And Native American porn. And Viking porn. And cave men porn. I promise you won't be bored.
I'll send room service* for representation. That sounds fair, right?
*Top Ramen and Diet Coke totally count as "room service"
Dylan: That story is full of awesome. Your personal anecdote, I mean. I've not read Vile Voyage but it sounds like a real masterpiece.
Pirates and porn just go together. The pun possibilities are limitless.
Shiver me timbers
poop deck
batten down the hatches
I could go on but I already look like a crazy woman snickering over my computer. It could be a fun drinking game: Phrases commonly heard on pirate ships that could double for something naughty.
Hedgehog=wise, I'm thinking the writer heard that "The Elegance of the Hedgehog" was wonderful and critically-acclaimed and decided to capitalize on that WITHOUT reading and realizing that it's about a concierge, not an actual hedgehog. :)
Oh, and @Laurel, is there a pirate phrase that DOESN'T double as something naughty?
Thanks for the laughs. Everyone is too great. My blogging community has helped me get through the month. For the days I couldn't get online, it was truly frightening. My brother died at 25 in a car accident last year. This month is his birthday. The laughter and irreverence in this post keeps my spirits up as well as the other blogger friends in my community.
Just wanted you to know that you have really helped me keep laughter as part of my routine...
Love the pirate porn
lmao
All I can say, Laurel, is Arrgghh!
dylan
Ha! Pirate porn... hysterical. Sounds like an interesting snowy Friday. Hope you finally got some food delivered!
Considering the responses, I'm thinking one might perhaps have been a bit hasty in rejecting the pirate porn. There's clearly an audience for it. I'm not admitting anything, but should Le R. require a second opinion on the true awfulness of the pirate porn, I'd be glad to lend a hand...
Failing that, Kat, (and lest anyone think I am pulling their peg-leg), I just checked and there is actually a copy of "Vile Voyage" for sale on something called "Alta-Glamour".
http://www.alta-glamour.com/cgi-bin/glam/35380
dylan
OH! OH! Ohmigosh!
"Blow me down, matey!"
Bwaaahaahaa.
I am enjoying The Pirate Game enormously. It's only a party for one here in my head, but what a festive party!
I love fluorescent pink. But for a query???
Today I was playing along to "Creeping Death," and while doing so tore open a partly-healed cut on the tip of my finger and smeared blood all over my strings. FUCK YES
Pirate Porn and Metallica? I should've read this post earlier. All I need is some Cheez-Its, and I have my plan for the day!
the breslin will probably deliver.
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