FRIDAY; Or, This Week in Queries; Or, How About Instead of Writing A Book You Write Down the Number of a Mental Health Crisis Hotline
Friday, January 15, 2010
That Nathan Bransford! He is always smart and he is always nice. Maybe this year instead of resolving to be LESS hateful we should have resolved to be MORE Bransford (do they make, like, Antabuse for haters? 'Cause we could take some). Anyway, the whole query deluge thing, it is totally true, but what that generous and unfailingly encouraging voice of reason* is politely not telling you is that it's a DELUGE OF NUTTERS. Like, the kind of nutters that break our little heart even as we reach for the phone to dial 911. Like, the kind of nutters that make us wonder whether the spirit said nutter is channeling (no really, as in: "My book is the Memoir of Gwynyfynyyynn, Princess of the Lost Underwater Kingdom of Mu, As Dictated Through the Willing Medium of My Person") is TOTALLY WASTED (OMG that's kind of an awesome book idea, is it not? The Memoirs of My Drunken Spirit Guide?). So fear not, little ones, because of course YOUR query will STAND OUT AT ONCE in this sea of wacky, because YOUR query is written by the SANEST AND MOST DELIGHTFUL OF CREATURES, that studious agent-blog-following tirelessly-revising outputter of GENIUS, YOU YOU YOU!!!
*DIBS on writing your Wikipedia entry, Bransford!
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That made up title came startlingly close to the real name of one of my family members. She has a lousy sense of direction - I could totally buy that she lost an entire kingdom underwater. :-P
Ver. word: Cativa -- my new favorite heroine name.
I knew someone who was almost named Gwynyfryd. For reals. Fortunately, her parents ultimately went with Elizabeth instead.
Oh, and I'm off to write a novel titled DELUGE OF NUTTERS.
I would buy "The Memoirs of a Drunken Spirit Guide."
And if you have dibs on Bransford's wikipedia entry, can I have dibs on Bransford? ;)
I'm with writtenwyrdd. Please, someone, write The Memoirs of a Drunken Spirit Guide.
Can we hear a third? That is a book that needs publication.
I love that you call it as you see it... and that I'm the only sane person querying--that is infinitely reassuring.
I would totally read TMoaDSP, specially if they were written "as dictated Through the Willing Medium or The Rejectionist" ;)
This is strictly conjecture, but from what I can gather, spirit guides are just naturally high. You know, up there soaking in celestial joy while Elvis rocks Cloud 9.
But then again, to sit around all century, dictating infinite wisdom to hairless mammals, and seeing what wreckage we make of it as we filter it through our sodden noggins... they gotta get shitfaced for that.
The upshot of which is that there they are, floating on an endless sea of Buddha bubbly, while you, brave soul, are left cold in New York, sailing a sea of wacky.
when is your book coming out?
also, it has to be written by: The Rejectionist, otherwise we won't know it's you. i promise i'll buy advance copies. you can put that in your query letter as a selling point about the inevitable success of your book. i'll donate a blurb and everything, and since i have a college degree that means im smart. so obviously everyone will take my opinion very seriously.
think about it. ill make you lots of $$$$
word verification: mithwanc.
also pronounced myth-wank.
i don't need to elaborate.
Maybe you should include a crisis hotline number in your form rejection. (Just say it's the number for a big time NY literary agent who would be more than willing to speak with them)
I just love you rejectionist. Probably because I'm ornery too!
Now I see why you're so much fun - you have a sea of wacky to liven your days.
OK, I almost wrote "see of wacky", which is kinda like your drunken spirit guide, only without the drinksees.
Thanks for the Friday Funny!
I would totally read that book.
All those y's and consonants in Gwynyfynyyynn's name are a dead giveaway that the Kindgom of Mu must be off the coast of Wales.
It sounds like we ("we" meaning many unpublished writers, not the royal "we") can get a request for a partial by writing a query that says simply, "I am not crazy. My book is not crazy and, in fact, is somewhat boring."
LOL, Keith!
wordver: czedlers - czech cheddar peddlers
See, if someone's blog said, don't submit over the holiday, I can now say it was a strategic move so that my query would stand out from all the nutters. Woo hoo! Go me!
...I think.
I think I might just have to write that book. Hmmm, can you hear the gears turning in my head? Don't worry, if I do write it, I'll remember who to give proper credit to.
Memoirs of a Drunken Spirit Guide
Chapter One
Greetingsh, fellow sheekers after truth and *hic* shpirits! I am Hashufe- *hic*, Hashufe- *hic*, Hashufe- *hic*, call me Hank.
Looking back at the beginningsh of my life ash a mediumishtiumishtic fashilita- *hic*, fashilita- *hic*, shafili- *hic*, uh, thing, I musht admit that the 23rd . . . 23rd . . . 23rd mar- mar- martini- ini- wash probably a mishtake. But it wash the naked run through Shentral Park in Janu-anu-anuary of '29 that really, uh, really, uh, did I tell you my name yet? Call me *hic* Hank, okay?
Just today, an acquaintance mentioned how well his fan fic manuscript was shaping up thanks to the advice he'd garnered from his LARPing group.
The details of his story are eerily similiar to those in those post.
OH MYLANTA! All this time, and I never knew I was chatting with a future bestselling author...
Sorry, what's LARPing?
Loretta, I Googled it for both our sakes. Live Action Role Playing. Go role play, come home and write about it, presto book! (I wonder whether he's planning to credit his fellow players?)
Love that Chapter One, Loretta! If only Dudley Moore were here for the movie version.
The more I read this blog, the more I can't believe I missed it for so long. And I would totally read Memoirs of my Drunken Spirit Guide.
You are seriously funny.
Thanks!
WW - I think Nathan's wife might have something to say about that.
I Googled it for both our sakes
Thanks! I should have thought of that, but it was after midnight and my brain was gone. It's funny. I used to be a night person and I don't know what happened. I haven't become a morning person! I've just sort of drifted into the middle of the day, I guess.
Finally I know how to sign my Query...
By the SANEST AND MOST DELIGHTFUL OF CREATURES, a studious agent-blog-following tirelessly-revising outputter of GENIUS,
Emma Michaels
or of course the good for all occasions. Best Wishes,
Love your posts!!!!
Hey Rejectionist,
Thanks a lot! Now I have one more blog I have to follow!!!
Gwynfywnfwynfr...(or how ever you spell it) Man, do I ever hate it when authors use names that make my head hurt.
You are the funniest.
Seriously.
Shelley
Okay, Rejectionist, you just gathered yet more nutters to make your days delightful. It depends on what the Drunken Spirt Guide has to say.Definitely Welsh, easily trashed. Best regards!
So... are you saying I shouldn't sign my query, "Princess of the Lost Underwater Kingdom of Mu"? Because if so, I have to completely revamp my query letter. And about that Drunken Spirit Guide...where can I pre-order my copy? :)
Jenn's Blogdom :)
Reading the comments, I'd say The Memoirs of My Drunken Spirit Guide is a surefire bestseller. Can I call dibs?
Hey, I know Gwynyfynyyynn. It's true in Mu they have no drawers. We should start a lost britches fund ASAP.`
Gwynyfynyyynn's never from Mu, she's from Ponty!
..oh god damn, I may just have made an in-joke that's just for me. Pox on't!
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