sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand
About

Dear Agents,

In this festive holiday season, let us gently entreat you to remember the bravest little foot soldier of your office, without whom you surely could not operate with the formidable efficiency and panache that engenders such admiration in the hearts of your colleagues. Who dispatches your legions of hapless and ill-informed query-ers? Who firmly tells your Least Favorite Client Who Always Wants to Process His Exceedingly Difficult Divorce that you are "in a very, very important meeting" every time said client calls? Who has quietly memorized your preferred ratio of sweetener to foam in your gourmet espresso beverage of choice, your favorite flavor of Vitamin Water, your mom's birthday, and your dog-walker's cell number? Who discreetly corrects your potentially embarrassing typographical errors? Who made you a BAZILLION FUCKING DOLLARS by plucking the best-selling book franchise in the known universe out of your slushpile? Why yes indeedy, your BELOVED ASSISTANT. So why not show your appreciation with some serious fervor this year? Bonuses are always welcome, but a thoughtfully chosen gift makes assistants feel extra-extra special. And so, without further ado:

1. One can never go wrong with a nice bottle of whisky. Assistants need their drinkies.

2. A sickly assistant is totes unsightly. Why not bestow upon hard-working Susie or James the gift that keeps on giving all year round!

3. A super-tasty dinner can be a treat for you, too! Assistants LOVE fancy dinners. Oh boy, do they.

4. And finally, nothing says, "Le R., thanks for all your hard work this year" like a pair of Haider Ackermann leather trousers. Mmmmmmmmm.

Bisous,

le r.

Lydia Sharp said...

Hmm... health insurance, or hot-ass pants... that's a tuffy.

December 21, 2009 10:02 AM
Jane Steen said...

YOU'RE responsible for Twilight? Oh. my. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHERE'S MY BAZOOKA

OK I've calmed down, don't fret. I suppose you deserve the pants. You should be getting health insurance anyway BECAUSE YOU WORK, but my bazooka-trigger-finger will start twitching again if I think too much about that. Best wishes of the season, your R-ness.

December 21, 2009 10:53 AM
Laurel said...

Nothing says gratitude like liquor.

December 21, 2009 11:03 AM
Leona said...

Assistants always deserve the best you can give them :D without them things would surely fall apart.

December 21, 2009 11:07 AM
Rebecca Knight said...

Okay... those pants are pretty dang snazzy. But my vote is on whiskey or fancy foods! :)

December 21, 2009 11:58 AM
Carolyn said...

If I were in charge of the world, I would get you everything on your list. plus other awesome stuff. And I, for one, am very glad about Twilight because it got so many kids reading AND writing. Plus, I enjoyed the books myself.

December 21, 2009 11:58 AM
Loretta Ross said...

OMG! Those pants cost more than some cars I've owned! Not saying you don't deserve them (you DO, of course!) but . . . OMG! I didn't know they MADE clothes that expensive.

You do deserve everything on your list, though. :) (ESPECIALLY health care!) Hope you get it! Happy Holidays.

December 21, 2009 12:59 PM
Ink said...

General Kael!

Is the leather for those pants taken from the HIDES OF YOUR ENEMIES? Verily, they strike fear upon me.

December 21, 2009 2:07 PM
Sarah Olutola said...

I clicked on that link expecting Harry Potter instead of Twilight.

I don't think I've recovered yet.

December 21, 2009 2:38 PM
CKHB said...

1) It is my understanding that AN assistant found Twilight, not The Rejectionist in particular. The point being that the assistants are the first people to "discover" many books in the slush, yet do not get a percentage.

2) Le R, if your ass fits into those pants, I am even more impressed and aroused by you than I was previously. Kudos.

Now, as I pick out your gift, I must ask... are you serif or sans?

December 21, 2009 4:01 PM
lora96 said...

I like it.

I offer my own variation:

Dear Parent,

In this most sentimental of seasons, do remember you child's teacher.

The teacher whose cell number you somehow got hold of so you could call her on weekends to discuss your grievances against other students and their parents in melodramatic fashion. The teacher into whose classroom you traipse at any hour of her working day to hold forth on the excessive difficulty of the homework and your child's auspicious history of perfect grades prior to this occasion. Thank her for listening to your ludicrous suggestions for new seating arrangements and considering your recommendations for which assignments should be graded--based upon your own child's proficiency.

Remember her affection for and patience with your child, who has vomited on her desk/shoes/coat/hands, told the other children santa is not real, taught the actual meaning of the word "lesbian" to her class, and crammed another child's head into the toilet.

Should not this forbearance be acknowledged with one of the following:

A Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker

A dry cleaning gift certificate

That yummy Carlos Falchi purse on bluefly.com
??


Sincerely yours,

Teacher
(that woman you referred to as "total bulls***" in your conference)

December 21, 2009 5:00 PM
The Rejectionist said...

OH we just adore you ALL. Ink: Yes, and CKHB: Yes. Well, hopefully. Leather stretches a little.

Just to be clear, we would be totally fine with receiving ALL of these items. If you are having trouble deciding.

December 21, 2009 6:35 PM
Jane Steen said...

CKHB: Yeah, I caught up on the "all assistants everywhere" POV a bit later. Too much Christmas spirit.

lora96, the world does not contain enough riches to reward the teachers that put up with my kids. And therefore I have always refrained from making their lives worse by complaining.

December 21, 2009 8:57 PM
Loretta Ross said...

Lora96, when my older sibs (*I*, of course, was a perfect angel in school O:)) were in grade school, they learned to always read any notes Mom wrote for them if they'd been absent. She had a tendency to write things like:

"Dear Mrs. Jones, Please excuse me for sending Donny back to class today. I just couldn't put up with him at home any longer."

December 21, 2009 9:57 PM
Kimberly Kincaid said...

The very first thing that I am going to do once I manage to land an agent and sell my current MS (see the positive thinking here?It's the whiskey!) is to buy. those. pants.

Oh. How you've made my day.

December 22, 2009 9:17 AM
Kate said...

I am going to put another vote for alcohol :)

Happy Christmas

Kate xx

December 22, 2009 1:02 PM
lora96 said...

Loretta: I'm thinkin I'd LOVE your mom lol!
:)

December 22, 2009 7:11 PM
moonrat said...

what was that they taught us to say in church? oh yeah.

A-MEN!

December 22, 2009 10:08 PM
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