MONDAY; Or, More Book Ideas We Couldn't Make Up If We Wanted To, Which We Don't. At All
Monday, October 19, 2009
1. Some Neighborhood Children (improbably appellated Neato Burrito, Jack Stripes, and Molly BuBolly) must thwart a gang of card sharps/horse thieves bent on foiling the aspirations of Father Christmas to bring presents to the good children of Beamersville. Also, there is a SEQUEL in the works in which said children must restore the Magic to Chris Chringle's (sp) Sleigh so Christmas is not Stolen from the Children of the World. There are also three more books in the Kristmas Kids (tm) series but they aren't written yet.
2. A physicist/rocket scientist is employed as a military air traffic controller except that he discovers all of the military aircraft are actually ALIEN SPACESHIPS which he must DO BATTLE WITH using only his physical prowess as a former high school football star. Also one pistol.
3. A handsome hero is killed in a shootout with a deranged serial killer, who also dies. Girlfriend of hero continues with post-tragedy life, only to realize a great number of persons are still being tortured/dismembered using same methodology as dead serial killer. Girlfriend realizes dead serial killer is now UNDEAD serial killer, must do battle with forces from beyond grave in order to save small town from Satan, etc. Newfound faith in God aids her in this activity. Also contains erotic elements.
4. A deranged maternity-ward nurse desperate for a child of her own kidnaps a baby from her unit. BUT THEN THE BABY TURNS OUT TO BE JESUS.
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but, really, don't these pitches just make your day?
or is it just me?
(i'm an IT guy at a scholarly press and i ask the office manager to forward me all of the equally interesting pitches we get. i love them)
...
That last one is gold! Jump on it, I say!
Really??!!
I agree with fivecats. I know these are bad, but man, they have to be special when you read the letter.
#4 is by far my favorite.
Oh, they TOTALLY make our DAY. We're just really glad we didn't make them UP.
a) Number Three could sell.
b) You can't mock and use the word 'appellated' in the same post.
(Yes, I'm grumpy. Because nobody liked my 'Hannukah Hoodlums' series ...)
So I'm not going to get to read the baby Jesus story? If I could somehow get a combination of 3 and 4 - like girlfriend of hero has a baby who is stolen by deranged serial killer but turns out to be baby Jesus - that would pretty much make my entire year. But only if the erotic elements were left in. Because I like my religious with a side of sexy sauce.
Rolling, laughing, crying, feeling much better about my 'boring' novel. Thanks for making my day, too. #4-OH YEAH!
I...really want to read that last one. I think it would either horrify me or make me spew brain matter out of my nose. Either way, it'd be worth it, I think.
I'm glad to hear that you enjoy them, because I surely, surely do.
(That first one was actually sounding kind of fun to me--for the first half of the first sentence. I used to love books about kids who saved the day--but not kids with those names. And not who saved the day for Santa. Etc.)
I love hearing about these ideas, but I can't believe people would actually make them into novels. Why spend that much time on them?
They amuse me, though.
Newfound faith in God aids her in this activity. Also contains erotic elements.
Most newfound faith does.
I couldn't help thinking that if Tom Robbins got ahold of that last one, it might be as hysterically funny as "Another Roadside Attraction."
Wait! Three is mine! I know who you are now!
Erotic elements and a newfound faith in God? That, right there, is what is wrong with the world. Zombies and erotic elements are about as wrong as... well, the fourth idea, but then you throw in any type of religious bent, and you're so far around the crazy corner that it should require immediately digging up your backyard looking for bodies. Automatic search warrant right there.
I'm going to go boil my eyes.
Damn, there goes my Baby Jesus WIP!
I guess I'll have to turn it into a Zombie Jesus novel now...
#2 sounds like it has "movie potential!" ;)
Oh, Rebecca. Don't they all.
I think I dated a guy named Neato Burrito.
my hubs would totally read #2. Mostly because it contains the words "alien," "spaceships" and "battle," which you helpfully put in all caps. I think plot twists always look better in all caps. I'll remember that for my next query letter.
Wait, it's Kristmas Kids but Chris Chringle? WTF?
Why not combine all four? Kristmas Kids must help grieving girlfriend save Christmas from the serial killer Santa who's in league with aliens from outer space. Luckily, in bounds Action Hero who can save them all with just a single bullet, because he's actually Baby Jesus!
(Just typing that made my head spin.)
Thanks for the chuckle.
holy crap these were AWESOME!
Oh sweet baby Jesus, always turning up in the most unlikeliest of places.
:) snort...
Oh man, this is why I read your blog every single day.
You know, each one of those plots sounded interesting to me, if the writers took their time to trim out the craziness and stuff that reminded me of random movies I've seen. Well. Except for the first one... which was all crazy.
Am I the only one who wants a burrito for lunch?
I am totally jonesing for a burrito, Ink.
We should have a burrito day on the blog! Mmmmmm.
Now we all have to think of good burrito books to read on burrito day...
Since "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter" made it to film that last one is a sure thing.
Bwahahahah!
*snark mode* But I'm sure I read a book eerily similar to #2 a few years back. It's either an either an old Enid Blyton or Tom Clancy.
I enjoyed the lowlights of your day.
My personal take:
#4 is the dumbest.
#2 sounds the most like a bruce willis flick
#3 sounds the most unreadable (God AND erotic elements???)
and finally #1 is most likely to make parents/teachers gouge out our own eyes.
litdiva.blogspot.com
Was it the Kristmas Kids Krusade? Aren't they from down south?
I bet if you made that last one into the worst, sappiest, most cliched movie in history (and starred Sarah Palin) it would be a huge hit on Lifetime.
Thanks for taking one for the TEAM. Your PAIN is our GAIN. Compensation in the form of drink. Postage PAID. Sign below.
X_________________
(recipient of best whiskey ever)
I'm guessing #3 is vampires not zombies. Why not jump on the popularity train?
Let me guess, the pitch was centered around a Christian-Detective version of the Unmentionable Teen Vampire Fiction That Has Sold Very Well.
To tell the truth, it had me going up until the undead part. And the Satan part. Um, and the rest.
You always make me laugh.
Thank you.
#4 is awesome
Let's have a group effort here!
I suggest we combine all the plots and see what we come up with...
lol steeleweed i agree.... what would happen if...
oh. my. lollipop. these are amazing.
I think my brain just melted. But #4 could be viable. Maybe.
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