Okay, dear author-friends, you want to write about vampires. We get it. Believe us, it's not as though we don't understand the intrinsic fabulousness of the vampire, or think that vampire books are inherently a no-go; this book is awesome (although M.T. Anderson's entire oeuvre falls under the category of Do Not Try This At Home), these books are lots of fun and have vampires, and one of our favorite novels of all time is a wildly trashy story of doomed love and unconsummated passion between a hot young lady and her obsessive, stalker-esque vampire suitor, rife with creepy Christian propaganda and highly unsubtle metaphorical themes equating female sexuality with demonic forces. You know, DRACULA? Maybe you've heard of it? Anyway, like we said, we get it. But what we don't get is why all of you want to write the same vampire novel, which we find very DRAINING, and seriously SUCKS US DRY. We know a certain vampire novel is currently doing a brisk business, but here's the problem: somebody already wrote that novel, and it wasn't you; and just because that wasn't the most TOOTHSOME vampire novel doesn't necessarily mean you ought to have a STAB AT IT. So. Here, for your reference, is a list of vampire novels we don't see sixteen times a day, which you may SINK YOUR TEETH INTO. Heh.
-Sporty/Nautical vampires. Perhaps Vampy is a rising international tennis star, whose career may be doomed due to his/her inability to play at any time other than the dead of night? Vampy is a yacht captain, who sails the seas of darkness? Vampy is Michael Phelps? Nobody ever said vampires can't get wet.
-Vampires of color. White people always get to have all the fun.
-Retail vampires. Maybe Vampy is a harried cashier at a gas station? Who can only work an eternity of graveyard shifts?
-Try to consider the remote possibility, author-friends, that vampires might have amorous inclinations toward people other than teenage girls. Just saying. Vampires might actually BE teenage girls. A whole posse of mean vampire cheerleaders? Like Heathers , but with teeth? Yes please.
-Hair-metal vampires. OMG. The FASHION. Also Keith Richards is so a vampire and you know it.
-We think the back office might be vampires. We can't figure out what else they're doing in there. It's not publishing, that's for sure. Hmm. Our landlady, also possibly a vampire? Really, the undead possibilities are seriously ETERNAL. Uh, infinite.