Wampyr Wuv
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Okay, dear author-friends, you want to write about vampires. We get it. Believe us, it's not as though we don't understand the intrinsic fabulousness of the vampire, or think that vampire books are inherently a no-go; this book is awesome (although M.T. Anderson's entire oeuvre falls under the category of Do Not Try This At Home), these books are lots of fun and have vampires, and one of our favorite novels of all time is a wildly trashy story of doomed love and unconsummated passion between a hot young lady and her obsessive, stalker-esque vampire suitor, rife with creepy Christian propaganda and highly unsubtle metaphorical themes equating female sexuality with demonic forces. You know, DRACULA? Maybe you've heard of it? Anyway, like we said, we get it. But what we don't get is why all of you want to write the same vampire novel, which we find very DRAINING, and seriously SUCKS US DRY. We know a certain vampire novel is currently doing a brisk business, but here's the problem: somebody already wrote that novel, and it wasn't you; and just because that wasn't the most TOOTHSOME vampire novel doesn't necessarily mean you ought to have a STAB AT IT. So. Here, for your reference, is a list of vampire novels we don't see sixteen times a day, which you may SINK YOUR TEETH INTO. Heh.
-Sporty/Nautical vampires. Perhaps Vampy is a rising international tennis star, whose career may be doomed due to his/her inability to play at any time other than the dead of night? Vampy is a yacht captain, who sails the seas of darkness? Vampy is Michael Phelps? Nobody ever said vampires can't get wet.
-Vampires of color. White people always get to have all the fun.
-Retail vampires. Maybe Vampy is a harried cashier at a gas station? Who can only work an eternity of graveyard shifts?
-Try to consider the remote possibility, author-friends, that vampires might have amorous inclinations toward people other than teenage girls. Just saying. Vampires might actually BE teenage girls. A whole posse of mean vampire cheerleaders? Like Heathers , but with teeth? Yes please.
-Hair-metal vampires. OMG. The FASHION. Also Keith Richards is so a vampire and you know it.
-We think the back office might be vampires. We can't figure out what else they're doing in there. It's not publishing, that's for sure. Hmm. Our landlady, also possibly a vampire? Really, the undead possibilities are seriously ETERNAL. Uh, infinite.
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I think the Surfin' Vampire is woefully underutilized.
I cannot count the number of times I have harped on this subject--and I love vampire books.
I have to say I liked that last one best though. LOL
I'm so happy to be able to say LOL without having to open Internet Explorer to do so.
And I think I would probably read any of those books, except for that the retail vampires one seems almost too obvious--pretty much you could just write a tale of real-life bad customer service and then end with "And all of those retail representatives were vampires!" (For heightened realism, though, the retail staff should probably also include zombies and malevolent aliens.)
Am I the only person in the world who thinks vampires are disgusting?!? I mean, seriously, people! They drink blood. Do you KNOW how unsanitary that is? In the real world vampires would have been wiped out by blood-borne pathogens CENTURIES ago!
And now, everywhere I turn,someone is obsessing about vampires! It's not bad enough that they have to READ about them. They then seem to feel the need to TELL me about them. While I'm eating. I mean, here I am, quietly trying to enjoy a bowl of meatless chili and perhaps some steamed asparagus, and there's a 19-year-old girl across the table explaining that Bella's pregnant with a half-vampire baby and so has to drink blood through a straw.
I'm a vegetarian, dammit! A vegetarian with a vivid imagination. I do not want to hear about drinking blood through a straw!
I'm gonna write a vampire book. All the vampires are gonna get taken out by the HEALTH DEPARTMENT for CODE VIOLATIONS!
*gasp* *pant* /rant. Sorry. :-/
I heard President Obama my be a vampire, and his little dog too!
Dear Loretta Ross, if you write that book we will GUARANTEE YOU REPRESENTATION.
Retail vampire's been done - Life Sucks by Jessica Abel. I read a vampire story once where the vampire fell in love with a dentist...that was the last vampire story I read. For a loooooong time.
I just did a post on vampires asking what was up with all of them? And where on earth did all the great really bad vampires go? Like Dracula?
I love your ideas for vampire stories. I might actually look twice at those, haha.
I so don't read about vamps. The trend was over for me when one of my fave historical romance authors wrote a historical vamp romance.
I'm with Loretta, vamps are nasty. Just the thought of 'blood-breath' turns my stomach. If I have one in my stories they are so NOT going to be the love interest--it'll be because I want to find a new and unusual way to slowly torture and kill them.
How about a story about a vampire who is also a big jerk? He could like, smack the ice cream out of kids' hands, or use the old people seats on the bus and then refuse to give them up when an old lady with a walker boards and then, as she hobbles to the back of the bus, she could mumble:
"Man... that guy really sucks..."
Huh? Huh?
Come on now...
"Really, the undead possibilities are seriously ETERNAL. Uh, infinite." That I can totally agree with, Rejectionist. This is why there's no need to rehash the stories that have been done "to undeath."
So, in view of your being suspicious that vampires may be all around us, I'm thinking you might have a slightly better opinion of the concept of a vampire dating guide. That's my book, out in stores this month from Sellers Publishing. You gotta admit, it's different! (Oh, and one of the stars is a vampire of color, too.)
--Diana Laurence, author of "How to Catch and Keep a Vampire" (www.howtocatchandkeepavampire.com)
Suburban Dad by day, intrepid vampire fighter by night, our modern day Van Helsing seeks out that most insidious of blood-suckers: the Electrical Vampire.
Armed only with his trusty power strips and a rudimentary knowledge of electicity, our hero sets out to vanquish the Television Vampire, the Stereo Vampire, and the Dark King of them all--the Computer Vampire, whose power-draining prowess outstrips (get it?) them all and sends our hero's utility bill into places that his budget will never go, causing him to scream at the kids for never turning anything off and . . .
Oh wait--that's my husband. Sorry.
I recently read these two anthologies, MY BIG FAT SUPERNATURAL WEDDING and MY BIG FAT SUPERNATURAL HONEYMOON.
You know what? One of the stories was about a vampire who captained a cursed pirate ship on the high seas.
Not a yacht captain, but... there ya go.
Circus vampires. No need of white face paint... and they can juggle! Dance! Bite! Trapeze themselves about! And they can shuck peanuts with the best of them.
I think it would be a challenge for any writer simply to write a vampire character that inspires teenage girls to NOT want one for a boyfriend.
all the caps on here SUCK in comparison with yours. why do they even try?
Re: Vampires of Color, please tell me you watch The Venture Brothers. One character, Jefferson Twilight, is a vampire hunter who only hunts Blackulas.
Re: Vampires of Color
Octavia Butler wrote an excellent, and atypical, novel covering this called, "Fledgling".
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