MONDAY
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dream we are obliged to defend ms we are particularly taken with at the moment before a panel of senior agents, all of whom belligerently scoff at its merits. Despite our impassioned pleas ("It needs revision! But it contains the seed of genius!") agents demand we reject it. Wake up at six a.m. consumed with anxiety. AGAIN. Forget to eat breakfast.
In Benadryl-induced coma, accidentally form-reject "Steve."
Receive email from friend of friend of friend of "Steve" who is so excited about his unwritten memoir he has QUIT HIS DAY JOB to prepare for its eventual success, and now merely needs an agent ("Steve," natch) to negotiate the finer points of his certain seven-figure advance. FOFOFOS has enclosed "tentative" sample chapters. We attempt to compose witty riposte re: their awfulness; Benadryl haze prevents our efforts, leaving us only the ability to assure you through a dense and hazy mental landscape that sample chapters are bad enough to make us weep in our current fragile state. "Steve" entrusts us with the responsibility of drafting "some kind of friendly and personal but firmly discouraging" rejection.
PLEASE SEND HELP. PLEASE. IT'S NOT EVEN LUNCHTIME.
Posts
The only comfort that I can give you is eventually it will end....and Monday will be over.
Oh lord, now I'm following this drama and it is making me nervous for you. Send the nice rejection and go get your drink on, for the love of ulcers! You poor thing. :(
What has happened to thee, General Kale? Where hast thy ruthlessness gone? Pull down thy skull mask and smite the unworthy with thy mighty form rejection. This is battle, dear friend, and mercy is neither offered or given. Smite the hopeful and cast them beneath thy feet before the tide overwhelms thee.
P.S. Ever since I started reading this blog I've been hearing a crow's voice yelling "Kale's coming! Kale's coming!" This is quite cruel of you. Luckily you are funny. Otherwise, action would have to be taken.
1 ) Tell FOFOFOS that it's all the economy's/liberals'/death panel's fault you can't help him and then sic him on the rival agent who's most recently annoyed you (as long as it's not Janet Reid -- I don't want to get hurt here!)
2 ) Have you been to Dominos lately? They have these little gooey, fudgie things dusted with powdered sugar. I don't know what they're called, but eat about six of them. You'll feel better. Trust me. ;)
Dearest FOFOFOS;
We are really not that friendly with your friend of the friend.
In the best interest of your successful career, we suggest you seek representation elsewhere. We'd hate to put you in the middle of an ugly spat. We mean .... "terminated friendship".
Best of Luck,
"Steve's-still-employed Assistant"
What if "Steve" is temporarily not accepting memoirs; you suggest FOFOFOS spend the interim learning to write, uh, I mean, polishing manuscript and submitting to other agents.
Not the most truthful but if you're into avoidance it could save some feelings in a sneaky kind of way...otherwise...well at least you don't have to tell FOFOFOS face-to-face.
I've had the painful task recently of telling two writers the beginnings of their books were ... awful. I wrote a short synopsis of the books' flaws and why they needed extensive rewriting, fully prepared to have the writers (a) hate me, (b) excoriate me, (c) make a voodoo doll representing me, (d) tell me how wrong I was, or (e) become horribly depressed.
Oddly, none of the five happened. Both thanked me and were oddly encouraged, and embarked on rewrites. (They were both looking for editorial help, so I basically talked myself out of a job as their books simply weren't ready.)
But I've heard some writers can really lash out at agents who reject them ... I suppose especially if there's no hope at all and you can't honestly offer encouraging words.
Oh, Lord. I vote you take more benedryl.
Was it that kind of day all over the world?
I lost an appeal today. I didn't just lose, I lost complete with snarky comments that had a reporter calling the office. My boss loved that.
Oh well. Guess I can just quit my day job for my high-paying self-published romance novelist career.
Forget the benedryl. Where's my lovely cocktail of morphine and happy pills?
Ah, don't you just love all the people who come out of the woodwork with the bestselling children's books/spiritual memoirs/technological thrillers when you start working in publishing?
There should seriously be Publishing Assistants Anonymous meetings for those beginning in agenting and editorial. I remember walking that sleep-deprived, anxiety-ridden road, and it would have been so much easier if I realized everyone else at my level was going through the same thing and would sympathize with me.
ACK! I hope today has started better. Don't drink too much caffeine, it'll just irritate your ulcers.
@ Ink-You are so right! Kael would never waver. However, that had better not be an implication that the film Willow is anything less than COMPLETELY AMAZING. And that isn't a CROW, it is the SORCERESS FIN RAZIEL CRUELLY IMPRISONED BY AN EVIL SPELL OF BAVMORDA.
@ Ed. Anon.: We are feeling much better, thank you for your expression of solidarity. If you ever want to come over and hold our hand while telling us it will be okay in soothing, dulcet tones, that would be fine too.
Don't make me call you a stupid peck...
Okay, yeah, I've watched Willow about as many times as you've watched The Lost Boys. Classic film.
"I was expecting something less... less..."
"Fuzzy?"
"Less fuzzy."
And, since this is becoming confessional, I should also admit that I've seen The Lost Boys almost that many times. Who can resist the Murder Capital of the World?
I can only imagine how difficult it would be to draft:
"some kind of friendly and personal but firmly discouraging" rejection.
Which the author will use as a sign that he or she should either
a) join a writers' group and work hard on their craft
b) stop writing
Dear you,
I don't know you. I'm not even sure how the hell I got here. But in my 11:22 am haze (west-coast slacker time), I just snorted my espresso in surprise-confused laughter while skimming your page. What a terrific change! (That last bit anyway.)
xo
me
Post a Comment