tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post1904774326051753603..comments2009-11-11T06:37:33.657-08:00The Rejectionisthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06092116746268072592rejectionistandyourmom@gmail.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-20739500009547604402009-11-11T06:37:33.863-08:002009-11-11T06:37:33.863-08:00Dear (Author),<br /><br />We are Pub West, a house of spirits, not Pub West the publishers. We loved your book though.<br /><br />CheersNibi Sotohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06895204957539465225noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-83991380325471115322009-11-11T01:25:37.774-08:002009-11-11T01:25:37.774-08:00Dear (Author),<br /><br />Thank you for resubmitting your manuscript.<br /><br />However, as you would put it yourself, u stll can&#39;t wright dude,nad u still ca&#39;tn spel<br /><br />Cheers<br />(Publisher)Grinz50http://www.blogger.com/profile/15952896288740999736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-41776959420459865122009-11-09T19:04:06.701-08:002009-11-09T19:04:06.701-08:00Dear “Author”,<br /><br />Thank you for submitting your heart and soul as fodder for our judgment. Although our dissatisfaction with your submission was immediate, as a courtesy we calendared this reply to occur five weeks after receipt to validate your hope that we’re actually reading your submission while creating the impression that we’re severely backlogged like all professional literary agents should be.<br /><br />Your submission landed in our rejection pile much as a loose stool might fall from the backside of an ill dog. Unlike the aforementioned turd, your work did not land on a busy New York sidewalk. Instead, it landed on the desk of a busy college intern. It is my sad, and underpaid duty to inform you that we will not be representing your work. Please don’t let these words deter you. People don’t read as much as you think these days. Three weeks ago I learned that my boss doesn’t actually read the rejection letters I write, she merely skims the formatting to ensure that I have written a lengthy, decently formatted letter. Three paragraphs seem to do the trick.<br /><br />Which brings us to paragraph three. So, uh, best of luck with the writing career. I wish I could like to offer a piece of laudable advice. It might be helpful if you could get published before you come to us to get published. It makes our job a whole lot easier to publish someone who is publishable. <br /><br />Best regards,<br /><br />Important Agency LimitedAmerican Debtorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05450526709368468870noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-38220964106228562702009-11-09T02:34:47.931-08:002009-11-09T02:34:47.931-08:00Yeah. Nah.Kellyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08549144540168461171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-88207078940760369982009-11-08T17:59:50.610-08:002009-11-08T17:59:50.610-08:00Dear writer:<br /><br />Thank you for sending us your work for consideration. Unfortunately, we do not represent puerile, meandering novels about whining drug-addicted losers. However, another agent might be drunk or crazy so the best of luck in your search.<br /><br />All the best,<br /><br />The Rejectionist<br /><br />p.s. unless of course, this is a work of memoirs, in which case, please contact us right away.karen-w-newtonhttp://karen-w-newton.livejournal.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-40416613939787962032009-11-08T01:07:14.473-08:002009-11-08T01:07:14.473-08:00Rejection Haiku<br /><br />Rejected writers<br />should never give up writing.<br />In your case, please do!<br /><br /><br />GEMGEMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11525848943689396086noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-3077235289408439602009-11-07T17:23:00.373-08:002009-11-07T17:23:00.373-08:00Really loved them all. But I&#39;d vote for GiGi even without a bribe.<br /><br />.........dholeDonna Holehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-77723678640066681652009-11-07T16:14:01.867-08:002009-11-07T16:14:01.867-08:00I vote for Sally.Kathleenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00923975835078747456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-52885843380036025162009-11-07T08:12:48.046-08:002009-11-07T08:12:48.046-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />I thought I liked your manuscript. <br /><br />Then I sobered up and realised I didn&#39;t.<br /><br />Sorry about that.<br /><br />Agent.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05986874444030474719noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-17531259700709897172009-11-07T07:37:13.425-08:002009-11-07T07:37:13.425-08:00Dear Writer:<br /><br />Thank you for your recent submission. We apologize for the delay in responding. It appears that our intern was working late Friday evening, well past our normal 5pm deadline, in an attempt to complete her review of your submission.<br /><br />Unfortunately, it appears she had some sort of an attack while reading your manuscript. The cleaning lady discovered her this morning, still at her desk. We hope the nice people at the Institute can help her. They say she is an Interesting Case.<br /><br />Unfortunately, the lipstick smears and wet spots on this letter are not loving kisses from us but rather the result of our intern&#39;s face hitting her desk after her attack. Whether the wet spots are tears or drool, we cannot say.<br /><br />Until our intern recovers, we must refrain from accepting you for representation. It is our attorney&#39;s opinion that there may be significant liability in publishing your work considering the impact it had on our intern.<br /><br />Meanwhile, we wish you luck and will watch your future career with considerable interest.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />A. PublisherDeep Riverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03965323059416105131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-25482757529046983112009-11-07T06:20:30.197-08:002009-11-07T06:20:30.197-08:00Wonderful Wonderful and Friday&#39;s over ----- so can I vote NOW????Katehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17061926361615154525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-53314883888879843372009-11-06T21:30:09.591-08:002009-11-06T21:30:09.591-08:00Since I&#39;m too late to be in the running, and my entry will not be counted I figured I would reject my entry to the rejection entry.<br /><br /><br />Dear Zach:<br /><br /><br />I am sorry to inform you that you really suck, really suck. I know you had hopes of winning a contest on a blog, but you couldn&#39;t even get your entry in before the deadline. Perhaps you have emotional issues, and you waited this long on purpose, so you could lie to yourself and convince yourself they rejected it cause it was late. Not because you suck!<br /><br /><br />Come on let&#39;s be honest here you&#39;re a failure at life, and look I know it hurts to read this, but you did this, man. Don&#39;t blame me! You&#39;re the one who sucks, and you&#39;re the one who is a failure at life. For god sakes man you&#39;re writing a letter to yourself about how much you suck. You just said you were a failure at life, and you know what? I don&#39;t even feel sorry for you. I agree with you, or me. I&#39;m sorry I can&#39;t be what I need to be.<br /><br /><br />I&#39;m sorry I&#39;m a failure, and I&#39;m sorry if anybody wasted their time reading this.<br /><br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br /><br />Zach the failure.pdubhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12504574484310330509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-74398324330458713672009-11-06T18:54:35.817-08:002009-11-06T18:54:35.817-08:00This is not a submission as the following was reported to be an actual rejection letter received by an author. I thought it deserved inclusion here.<br /><br />Dear Sir:<br /><br />We are returning the pages you sent us. Unfortunately, someone has written on them.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />(Name Withheld)Jan Buckhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06869049205790975514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-31056098615618797812009-11-06T18:49:51.832-08:002009-11-06T18:49:51.832-08:00I know I&#39;m too late for entry, but this was too fun to not participate. <br /><br /><br />Dear Author:<br /><br />Our submission guidelines have recently changed. As of November 1, 2009, we are accepting only publishable manuscripts. As this is a very subjective business, it is possible you will find another agency that feels differently. But we doubt it.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />The RejectionistElizabeth Lyndhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02638768950811415099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-38675916686193486362009-11-06T18:42:55.721-08:002009-11-06T18:42:55.721-08:00Hay Author,<br /><br />lol that sucked.<br /><br />urs,<br /><br />AgentHayleehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11139305582470019329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-3544058415232699012009-11-06T17:47:25.845-08:002009-11-06T17:47:25.845-08:00Jess Haines wins.Raethehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09391097536970261030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-61359974047907919072009-11-06T17:02:32.780-08:002009-11-06T17:02:32.780-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />Thank you for your recent submission. With your best interest at heart, I must decline; I have never read a manuscript better suited for self publishing. <br /><br />Best,<br />The RejectionistChristy Raedekehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08263316476947361971noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-57876047583741254612009-11-06T17:00:35.974-08:002009-11-06T17:00:35.974-08:00Dear X,<br />Perhaps it will help you to know that if we HAD mistakenly agreed to represent you as a client, we would have immediately breached our contract, thus exposing all of us to unpleasant and expensive litigation. Isn&#39;t this way better? <br />Yours truly,<br /><br />P.S. <br />I think you should run a contest for rejected candidate&#39;s rejection letters (with thanks to Jack Handey of the New Yorker): <br /><br />Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a contract to publish my book.<br /><br />This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.<br /><br />Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting manuscripts, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.pjblairhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09241897757417726177noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-29968851113043024932009-11-06T16:51:31.305-08:002009-11-06T16:51:31.305-08:00Hey,<br /><br />Nah.<br /><br />Best,Richard Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01372578455379676581noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-72326656419257892172009-11-06T15:06:09.286-08:002009-11-06T15:06:09.286-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />We at the monkrose agency were very interested to recieve your MS. However, the reading of the pages has had a negative effect on several of our slushbunnies.<br /><br />tongues blackened and swollen, eyes bulging. One was found, after apparently a quick flick through on the way to the recycling bins in an unfortunate pose, legs-upward in a barrel. Death from some kind of unholy curse on your manuscript. Or poisoning. Most distressing, even if some of our staff are highly disposable. <br /><br />Even as I type this, I hold in my other hand your weighty tome. Someting to do with a philosophy of comedy? It&#39;s rather bawdy, but I don&#39;t feel there&#39;s much to recommend it to the general public. And it smudges something awful on my fingers. With regret--<br /><br />aaruugchhhhhhHelenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12788256762611671106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-38930132474476437692009-11-06T14:58:21.133-08:002009-11-06T14:58:21.133-08:00Unfortunately we will not be progressing your submission further.<br />Thank you for typing it up.<br />Yours <br /><br />The Caring AgentMEWriterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07978019111913305456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-4477039720749234542009-11-06T14:37:46.380-08:002009-11-06T14:37:46.380-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />I may have been born a poor, fat white-boy in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I still know the difference between shit and Shinola. I&#39;m sorry to say that it appears you don&#39;t.<br /><br />I grew up as one of those kids that could fall on his back and still break his nose. As a matter of fact, my daddy always thought I would remain a virgin, but luckily for me, my little sister got kicked by a mule and couldn&#39;t run very fast on account of her busted leg.<br /><br />Now, I&#39;m not saying it was all bad, but being raised right down the street from Bill Clinton did present its challenges. He was a bully if every there was one. Without a doubt, he&#39;s the reason my asshole is the size of a manhole cover. Oh man, did he like to get after it, and not just with people mind you--even our chickens were nervous around Bill.<br /><br />Uncle Albert used to come over and tell me what a pretty young man I was. It was nice to get a compliment from someone. But I wish he had found a different way to express his love than by touching me in my special place.<br /><br />My therapist thinks that all this might have something to do with the fact that I drink a lot. I&#39;ve really never seen it that way. Truthfully, some of the best times I have ever had were when I was drinking, or so I&#39;ve been told. I remember the good times. Like those nights when several of my mom&#39;s friends would come over and open up a bottle of gin and play cards. I always made a few extra dollars during that game. I might have only been ten, but they loved to play hide the quarter with me. Aw, good times.<br /><br />Anyway, way was I saying, oh yeah, about your proposal, I&#39;ve pretty much decided that I&#39;m not the agent for you, but just in case you&#39;re one of those types that would crawl buck naked through a briar patch to have me as your agent, let me make this absolutely clear.<br /><br />No thank you, better luck elsewhere.<br /><br />Sincerely<br /><br />Sincerely,Williamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06466671874478482685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-57170429720489065172009-11-06T14:32:19.449-08:002009-11-06T14:32:19.449-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />I&#39;m sorry, but we are not accepting crack fiction at this time. Please understand we are not disparaging users of crack, we simply do not represent that genre. <br /><br />If you sober up, and write in a genre that we think will be the new vampire, please feel free to submit to us again and our foxy assistant will surely read your manuscript, because she has a soft spot for recovering addicts. And zombies.<br /><br />Regards,<br />The RejectionitSusan Quinnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07348197999397141067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-77334633062472060442009-11-06T13:47:22.935-08:002009-11-06T13:47:22.935-08:00Dear Aspiring Author:<br /><br />No.<br /><br />Regards,<br />The AgentRachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09611043209149128358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1682617387341023338.post-56821586993194551822009-11-06T13:26:54.249-08:002009-11-06T13:26:54.249-08:00Dear Author,<br /><br />That sucked. I don&#39;t have time to tell you why or how much it sucked, but it did suck.<br /><br />However, this is a subjective business, so good luck finding someone who doesn&#39;t think it sucks.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />AgentLarissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08874147599272424056noreply@blogger.com