Adventures in Jurisprudence with Your Friend the Rejectionist

SCENE: A voir dire proceeding. A great number of POTENTIAL JURORS are crammed into a tiny, stuffy room distinctly reminiscent of a prison cell. Two LAWYERS have introduced themselves and handed out juror questionnaires. A man has fallen asleep in his chair and a long string of drool hangs from the corner of his chin to his shoulder. POTENTIAL JURORS dutifully fill out their juror questionnaires. A woman reads her questionnaire aloud. Several times. Like, really loudly. REJECTIONIST, resplendent in jury-duty-repelling outfit of ratty Jane's Addiction shirt, fluorescent pink plastic dangling skeleton earrings, tie-dyed jegging, and combat boots, dozes in a chair, clutching Antarctic Navigation to her chest. The LAWYERS collect the juror questionnaires and read through them.

FIRST LAWYER: And let's see, hmm, next we have--oh, ha ha, this is a good one, these hobbies. What does this say? Drinking and, uh, fe-- hmm-- oh, feminism. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I just have to say, these questionnaire answers, ha ha. I'm just so happy everyone here is being so candid. So, Ms., er. Rejectionist, you're from Seattle originally?

REJECTIONIST: (Snoring softly) Wha? What? (Sits up with a start, looks about her) What?

FIRST LAWYER: And why did you move to New York?

REJECTIONIST: To get famous?

FIRST LAWYER: (Pause) Ah. Er, I see. You're a... (consults questionnaire) ...a writer?

REJECTIONIST: Yes?

FIRST LAWYER: What do you write about?

REJECTIONIST: Myself?

FIRST LAWYER: (Pause) Ah. Er, I see. For, ah, the internet? Magazines?

REJECTIONIST: Yes? (Looks around) I mean, yes! Yes!

FIRST LAWYER: Any books?

REJECTIONIST: DON'T ASK ME ABOUT VAMPIRES PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT VAMPIRES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOBODY MENTION VAMPIRES

FIRST LAWYER: So no published books yet. Well! Do you have strong opinions about lawsuits?

REJECTIONIST: I don't think so? (Looks around) No?

FIRST LAWYER: (Staring significantly at REJECTIONIST) So if you were in, say, a COURTROOM, and there was a LAWSUIT, you could AWARD DAMAGES TO A PLAINTIFF IF THE DAMAGES WERE WARRANTED?

REJECTIONIST: (Looks about her wildly) Yes? No?

OTHER LAWYER: (Standing up, straightening suit) And CONVERSELY, if the damages WERE NOT WARRANTED, you WOULD NOT AWARD THE DAMAGES? You would make a decision based ONLY ON THE AVAILABLE EVIDENCE AND NOT ANY PERSONAL OPINION YOU MAY HAVE EVER HAD AT ANY TIME REGARDING LAWSUITS OR PERSONAL INJURY?

REJECTIONIST: What? What? I don't know! (Begins to weep) Occupy Wall Street! Fuck the police state! AAAAAH!!!! (REJECTIONIST's pink plastic skeleton earrings jangle frantically)

LAWYERS: (In unison) Perfect! (LAWYERS confer amongst themselves) Welcome to the jury, Ms. Rejectionist! We'll see you in a week.

TO BE CONTINUED