SCENE: A voir dire proceeding. A great number of POTENTIAL JURORS are crammed into a tiny, stuffy room distinctly reminiscent of a prison cell. Two LAWYERS have introduced themselves and handed out juror questionnaires. A man has fallen asleep in his chair and a long string of drool hangs from the corner of his chin to his shoulder. POTENTIAL JURORS dutifully fill out their juror questionnaires. A woman reads her questionnaire aloud. Several times. Like, really loudly. REJECTIONIST, resplendent in jury-duty-repelling outfit of ratty Jane's Addiction shirt, fluorescent pink plastic dangling skeleton earrings, tie-dyed jegging, and combat boots, dozes in a chair, clutching Antarctic Navigation to her chest. The LAWYERS collect the juror questionnaires and read through them.
FIRST LAWYER: And let's see, hmm, next we have--oh, ha ha, this is a good one, these hobbies. What does this say? Drinking and, uh, fe-- hmm-- oh, feminism. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I just have to say, these questionnaire answers, ha ha. I'm just so happy everyone here is being so candid. So, Ms., er. Rejectionist, you're from Seattle originally?
REJECTIONIST: (Snoring softly) Wha? What? (Sits up with a start, looks about her) What?
FIRST LAWYER: And why did you move to New York?
REJECTIONIST: To get famous?
FIRST LAWYER: (Pause) Ah. Er, I see. You're a... (consults questionnaire) ...a writer?
FIRST LAWYER: What do you write about?
FIRST LAWYER: (Pause) Ah. Er, I see. For, ah, the internet? Magazines?
REJECTIONIST: Yes? (Looks around) I mean, yes! Yes!
FIRST LAWYER: Any books?
REJECTIONIST: DON'T ASK ME ABOUT VAMPIRES PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT VAMPIRES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOBODY MENTION VAMPIRES
FIRST LAWYER: So no published books yet. Well! Do you have strong opinions about lawsuits?
REJECTIONIST: I don't think so? (Looks around) No?
FIRST LAWYER: (Staring significantly at REJECTIONIST) So if you were in, say, a COURTROOM, and there was a LAWSUIT, you could AWARD DAMAGES TO A PLAINTIFF IF THE DAMAGES WERE WARRANTED?
REJECTIONIST: (Looks about her wildly) Yes? No?
OTHER LAWYER: (Standing up, straightening suit) And CONVERSELY, if the damages WERE NOT WARRANTED, you WOULD NOT AWARD THE DAMAGES? You would make a decision based ONLY ON THE AVAILABLE EVIDENCE AND NOT ANY PERSONAL OPINION YOU MAY HAVE EVER HAD AT ANY TIME REGARDING LAWSUITS OR PERSONAL INJURY?
REJECTIONIST: What? What? I don't know! (Begins to weep) Occupy Wall Street! Fuck the police state! AAAAAH!!!! (REJECTIONIST's pink plastic skeleton earrings jangle frantically)
LAWYERS: (In unison) Perfect! (LAWYERS confer amongst themselves) Welcome to the jury, Ms. Rejectionist! We'll see you in a week.
TO BE CONTINUED