Things That Are Not Actually Normal But Seem Sort of Normal After 2.89 Years in New York City
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
the person next to you at the laundromat removing all his clothes and putting them in the washer
drop crotch pants
leggings as pants
pantyhose as pants
denim underpants as pants
no pants whatsoever
jeffrey campbell "lita"
scott schuman
six dollar well drinks
people vomiting in public
people defecating in public
people fornicating in public
people weeping in public
yourself weeping in public
marriage proposals from cab drivers
referring to a friend's $1,000/month studio apartment as "an awesome deal"
when your landlady lets herself into your apartment and wanders around looking at stuff
when your landlady lets herself into your apartment and wanders around looking at stuff while you are in the apartment
when your landlady lets herself into your apartment and wanders around looking at stuff while you are in the apartment, wearing only your underwear
being paid to: write other people's personal emails, raise their children, locate their yacht-cleaning service, order their cufflinks, find insurance for their ferraris, execute their google-image searches for things like "friendship" and "health" while they are sitting behind you asking you to describe the google images and you are like "do you want to just look at the screen" and they are like "no, just tell me what it feels like to you" and then a week later they tell you their astrologer said to fire you
styrofoam takeout containers
when they try to put your coffee in a paper bag with napkins
standing next to bjork at art happenings
overpowering urges to do lasting physical harm to people who walk slowly on the sidewalk
people who dye their tiny dogs various colors
people who dress their tiny dogs in halloween costumes
people who put their tiny dogs in purses
tiny dogs
shrink-wrapped vegetables
seeing this and thinking "what a cute shirt"
This post came about as a result of a gchat with Meg, who is posting her own list today.
Posts
Deemed completely normal after more than twenty years of living in New York City:
Waiting three hours at a restaurant where it only takes 15 minutes to eat.
Someone is nice to you, and you are terrified.
You compete with your friends how many times you have been scammed.
You trade John Gotti stories at dinner parties.
Anywhere else that is not New York is entirely theoretical. Your friends who are from out of town? Their lives started the moment they hit JFK/LaGuardia.
Just to clarify, were you wearing your underwear, or was your landlady wearing it?
Okay. That last part of the being paid to section sounds a lot more like LA than NYC to me, but then I've never lived there.
Also: fuck styrofoam.
someone has a $1,000 studio apartment? WHERE!??! SO JEALOUS.
ahem.
also, jealous of Bjork. never seen her. just Gordon Ramsey, everywhere...
LOVE this.
Makes me want to put up my Los Angeles list.
Excellent! This got me thinking about the Georgia version, so I posted it here.
"overpowering urges to do lasting physical harm to people who walk slowly on the sidewalk."
As a native New Yorker, even after several decades away from the city I have not been cured of this one. Seriously what is the matter with people? Do they not realize that their days on this planet are limited in number?
I am co-signing this entire post on behalf of the Washington, DC metro area.
"overpowering urges to do lasting physical harm to people who walk slowly on the sidewalk"
I used to get this when I lived in London. I survived it by wearing a leather jacket with lots of studs and barging through the crowds on Oxford Street like a rugby player. Not very social, but it limits the physical harm to others to mere bumps and slight elbowing, rather than torn-off heads.
@ Adam, that happened to poor Support Team, who was in his own underwear. The landlady wears a series of housecoats ("the summer housecoat"; "the winter housecoat"). She also goes through our trash. But our apartment is A THOUSAND SQUARE FEET FOR LESS THAN TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for which a person will suffer a lot of indignity in this town.
I recently moved to upstate NY, but I worked in NYC for 3 years. All of these things made my miss NYC so much - but "when they try to put your coffee in a paper bag with napkins," almost made me spit out my water. I'm seriously missing my favorite nyc deli!
I'm hard at work on the Iowa City version.
I have always wondered about why they try to put your coffee in a paper bag with napkins!!! WHY?!?
On the other hand, dressing your dog in a Halloween costume is perfectly normal and acceptable in Brooklyn.
this is great. It should go round all teh blogs.
mine:
When you dogsit for a former rockstar and get to find out his is a grumpy old man now, and you feel sad.
People walking cats
Taxi drivers as roosters
Walking a dog and having catcalls aimed at the dog: EH LADY NICE DAWG - which is much nicer, actually.
Did you see how much that shirt cost? What the hell?
I'm pretty sure it's ok to shoot anyone who comes in our house and wanders around looking at our stuff. I live in Texas.
Yeah, it's like all custom and stuff, totes a deal!!! Like the Alexander Wang one is $175 or something.
Beyond lovely. I'm a native NYer and your observations remind me to look and listen and remember, breathlessly,"This is New York" -- and it is astonishingly different than other places. I love the way you write. Keep writing. Keep living here -- we need you.
Hey lady, nice BLAWG
"overpowering urges to do lasting physical harm to people who walk slowly on the sidewalk" I think this must be universal; I live in a pretty small town.
I already got humiliated on Design*Sponge for my less than up-to-the-minute knowledge of New York City ways, so I'm not going to ask if "well drinks" are water. I'll just google it.
This is so hilarious. I've only been to NYC a few times, but you captured a certain "je ne sais quoi" about the place. And you made me laugh so hard, I decided to write my own, Alaskan version -- Things That Are Not Actually Normal But Seem Sort of Normal After 30 Years in Alaska, and I linked to yours on my blog.
You truly are an inspiration!
"I'm not going to ask if "well drinks" are water."
Oh lord! Ha, ha!!!
Gyro pronounced with a "G"
I'm doing one for Glasgow!
Ugh, I 100% agree with the statement about people walking slowly on the sidewalk. My God, it's so frustrating! I don't live in New York, but I do work in a big city and I face this problem every day during my commute to and from work. I'd be thinking to myself, "Geez, just lift up your legs and walk!" Sometimes, I'd feel like simply shoving them into the street and going about my business, but being a good citizen, I simply frown and continue walking behind these people at a painfully slow pace. The worse scenario is when there are multiple slow walkers completely obstructing your path so that you can't walk around them! AAARGH!
overpowering urges to do lasting physical harm to people who walk slowly on the sidewalk
I have this problem in Chicago and at Disney World.
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