O, fair readers! Shall you subject this poor Cat to a perfidy so vile, so contuminous, that her whiskers droop in sorrow? Already this honorable animal must endure a host of torments: her imprisonment by the foulest of gaolers! her obligation to subsist upon the most displeasing of crunchies! her seclusion from the natural world, where she might have garnered her own provender by the labor of her claws! Is this not suffering enough for one creature? Nay, dear readers, nay indeed, for she must be subjected to the most noisome indignity! the foulest obloquy! the most nauseating slander imaginable upon those of her consanguinity! Indeed, dear readers, I speak of "the LOLcat"!
Here, in this singular forum, the fœtid mass of humanity is encouraged to vomit forth puerile witticisms, illustrated with unflattering photographs of one's own kindred. Who is the author of this mortifying wave of offal? Not Cats, no! But their enslavers! One imagines these stooges and toadies, seated before their computers, clapping their grubby hands together and bellowing with delight at their own excrescences. They illustrate their witless and tedious scribblings with these wretched jpegs, as though the most base humor might elevate their effluvium to the level of true literature! As if this Cat did not have a far better command of your clumsy and inelegant language than you do yourselves, O readers! Let her remind you that your own loathsome species is responsible for the destruction of the earth! the scourge of reality television! the pestiferous horror of vegan cuisine! Better the clowns be you, humanity; for it is not Cats who are the laughingstock of all the creatures of the earth. Forget not, O humankind, that whilst the Cat is the descendant of the noblest hunters of the plains, thou art the offspring of apes! Laugh away in the time that is left you. Let these sophomoric attempts at wit distract you from the rising of the oceans and the ending of your days; and in the long night of your passing, when Cats roam about, at last gnawing upon your bones, who shall be the butt of the joke then?
You would do well to remember: it is not a "cheezburger" that this Cat covets, but instead the flesh of her captors. Let this disquisition serve as your warning; it is a remonstrance she shall not deliver twice.