The Saga of the Office Mouse: A Dramatization in Several Acts
Monday, October 18, 2010
Dramatis Personae:
CRETINOUS VON POOPYPANTS: A Very Bad Agent
“STEVE”: A most noble and esteemed agent
WINSTON: Assistant to Cretinous
REJECTIONIST: An unstable personage of volatile temperament Assistant to "Steve"
Various other AGENTS
MR. WHISKERS: A mouse
SUPERINTENDENT
ACT 1
Scene: A literary agency.
Rejectionist: (Entering) Tralalalaaaaaa! La laaaaa! O frolicsome breezes, o fall! Perhaps I shall receive an excellent query today!
(Enter MR. WHISKERS, stage left)
Rejectionist: What’s this! A rogue! A knave! Thou art cheeky!
Mr. Whiskers: (Twitches whiskers)
Rejectionist: Nay, sirrah, we’ll have none of that! Out with you! I must admit, thou hast the sympathies of the assistant, but shan’t be welcomed by the Agents! Fly, young creature, if you value your life!
(Exeunt MR. WHISKERS, stage right)
Agents: (In chorus) A mouse! A mouse! A mouse!
ACT 2
Scene: A literary agency. AGENTS are in their offices. ASSISTANTS are seated at their posts. REJECTIONIST types at desk.
Rejectionist: (Sotto voce) And away with you! Slash, slash! Thou shalt not trouble the labor of my master today with thy dreck, fulsome wretch! Reject! Reject!
(Enter “STEVE”)
“Steve”: Good morning, Rejectionist! How are you today?
Rejectionist: Merrily, merrily, good “Steve”!
(“STEVE” enters office. REJECTIONIST continues to type. After some time, a rustling noise is heard.)
Rejectionist: What ho! What’s this? A noise? From whence dost it issue?
(REJECTIONIST looks about her. Rustling noises intensify. CRETINOUS flings open the door to his office.)
Cretinous: (Shouting) WINSTON! VERMIN HAVE ENTERED MY OFFICE!
Winston: Oh, sir, I’m terribly sorry, sir! Oh dear! I told Mr. Stein he would have to make an appointment, sir! I said, “Just because you edit the Par—”
Cretinous: NOT THAT VERMIN, IDIOT! A RODENT! REMOVE IT AT ONCE!
(MR. WHISKERS enters behind CRETINOUS, with a scurrying motion.)
Mr. Whiskers: (Crosses stage rapidly)
Rejectionist: Fly, sirrah, fly! Thou hast ignoreth mine wise counsel! I am afeart for your life, young fellow!
(Exeunt MR. WHISKERS)
Cretinous: CALL THE SUPER THE SUPER MUST BE SUMMONED AT ONCE I SHALL NOT HAVE VERMIN IN THE OFFICE
Winston: (Dialing super) Er, right away, sir! I’ll call the super, sir!
“Steve”: (Peering out from office) Goodness, Cretinous, I think you might be overreacting a little!
Cretinous: WHO IS THIS PEON
Winston: Er, that’s “Steve,” sir! Your colleague?
Cretinous: NONSENSE
"Steve": Oh come now, Cretinous, we've shared an office since 1992!
Cretinous: REMOVE HIM
Rejectionist: Oh look, lunchtime!
Agents: (In chorus) Chaos! Chaos! Chaos!
Act 3
Scene: An office. REJECTIONIST is seated at desk.
Rejectionist: Huzzah, huzzah, time for my Snackimals and juice! O universe, hast thou ever produceth a finer sup than Snackimals and juice? Crunch, crunch! Methinks not! Alas, I have finished the bag!
(REJECTIONIST shakes last crumbs of Snackimals into open mouth, crosses stage to garbage can. REJECTIONIST lifts lid of garbage can. MR. WHISKERS is seated atop garbage, eating leftover sushi. MR. WHISKERS gazes up at REJECTIONIST.)
Rejectionist: What’s this? Fine furry friend, dost thou not heed my warning? Your life is worthless here, dear fellow! The engine of your doom hath been set in motion! The super comes!
“Steve”: Who are you talking to, Rejectionist?
Rejectionist: To no one, good “Steve”! No one at all!
“Steve”: Why, there’s that mouse!
Cretinous: (Entering) DESTROY IT
(Buzzer rings)
Winston: I think that’s the super, sir!
(Enter SUPER, with mousetrap)
Super: Let me at that varmint! (SUPER seizes garbage can. MR. WHISKERS and leftover sushi fly through the air. MR. WHISKERS appears startled by this turn of events. SUPER reaches for MR. WHISKERS. REJECTIONIST flings herself in front of SUPER)
Rejectionist: You’ll not have him!
(MR. WHISKERS lands next to sushi. MR. WHISKERS gazes about in confusion, then scampers across floor and disappears behind wainscoting.)
Rejectionist: Freedom for all!
Cretinous: (Bellowing) I’LL SEE IT DESTROYED
Rejectionist: DEATH FIRST
Winston: Oh dear!
Agents: (In chorus) Have we seen the end of Mr. Whiskers? Nay! Nay! Nay!
CURTAIN
Posts
Laughing until I have to reinsert my contacts is a wonderful way to start a Monday morning!
Thank you for the Monday morning hilarity! Here's wishing Mr. Whiskers a long and happy life... please do keep us updated!
*Applauds*
ROFL! Huzzah for the stalwart Rejectionist!
If my dear friend, Junk Food Tom, was alive and visiting your NY offices, this drama would take a tragic turn.
Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant!
Brava!
Encore!
Standing ovation! Truly Shakespeare is applauding you from his grave!
I must see this enacted on YouTube forthwith! Anyone???
Brava! Brava! (thank you for defending the poor little mouse. seriously)
You forgot Act 4, wherein Cretinous gets his, and Mr. Whiskers has the last laugh.
(It's about time Cretinous gets his...)
My husband once helped me save a baby mouse from a glue trap we found in a mall/restaurant common area. We took him outside and he held the mouse while I clipped his fur free from the trap with a pair of miniature scissors that had come with a hotel sewing kit that happened to be in my purse at the time (getting his poor little face and ears free was the worst, and my husband helped make sure the mouse didn't inadvertently re-stick anywhere while I was working) and then he helped me find a suitable place of release-- an alley with dumpsters (possibly full of leftover sushi!) a block or so away. Huzzah for the mouse!
Bravi! Bravi! Encore!
This post is pure frolicsome breezes.
If you'd like to safely trap said cheeky rogue, I found this trick worked well.
Just make sure to cover the top of the can with aluminum foil, with an open slot in the middle for the tube to fall through, so they can’t jump out. And put crumpled paper towels at the bottom, both to discourage jumping and give them something to burrow in until they're released in the local mouseville.
How does a (singular) mouse "exeunt"?
That aside, I had to smirk at the juxtaposition of "Slash, slash! … Reject! Reject!" and when asked "How are you", Rejectionist replies, "Merrily, Merrily". Le R comes by her name honestly.
Dear Doug Pardee, we were hoping no one would notice that one. "Exeunt" was just to pleasing not to use.
PURE UNADULTERATED BRILLIANCE
It's time to start bringing Lola Pants to the office. ;)
Sending drink for Winston. I can't believe that poor man didn't quit yet.
Rejectionist, you are the light of my life. Honest to goodness.
TOO pleasing OH MY GOD REJECTIONIST FAILS EVERYTHING
This was the best EVER. Sequel?
REJECTATOUILLE EEEEEEE
Le R, has anyone told you lately that you are made of hilarity?
<3,
-J
Did you know that the Officemouse is actually bookavore's sister? At least here in the Forest, maybe not in your office!
Am enjoying the blog!
I am afeart for my sanity! :)
Too funny! Vegetarian author-friend commends you for rescuing Mr. Whiskers...
This is amazing. I laughed so hard. Brilliant.
You have the Funny!
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