CRETINOUS VON POOPYPANTS: A Very Bad Agent
“STEVE”: A most noble and esteemed agent
WINSTON: Assistant to Cretinous
An unstable personage of volatile temperament Assistant to "Steve"
Various other AGENTS
MR. WHISKERS: A mouse
Scene: A literary agency.
Rejectionist: (Entering) Tralalalaaaaaa! La laaaaa! O frolicsome breezes, o fall! Perhaps I shall receive an excellent query today!
(Enter MR. WHISKERS, stage left)
Rejectionist: What’s this! A rogue! A knave! Thou art cheeky!
Mr. Whiskers: (Twitches whiskers)
Rejectionist: Nay, sirrah, we’ll have none of that! Out with you! I must admit, thou hast the sympathies of the assistant, but shan’t be welcomed by the Agents! Fly, young creature, if you value your life!
(Exeunt MR. WHISKERS, stage right)
Agents: (In chorus) A mouse! A mouse! A mouse!
Scene: A literary agency. AGENTS are in their offices. ASSISTANTS are seated at their posts. REJECTIONIST types at desk.
Rejectionist: (Sotto voce) And away with you! Slash, slash! Thou shalt not trouble the labor of my master today with thy dreck, fulsome wretch! Reject! Reject!
“Steve”: Good morning, Rejectionist! How are you today?
Rejectionist: Merrily, merrily, good “Steve”!
(“STEVE” enters office. REJECTIONIST continues to type. After some time, a rustling noise is heard.)
Rejectionist: What ho! What’s this? A noise? From whence dost it issue?
(REJECTIONIST looks about her. Rustling noises intensify. CRETINOUS flings open the door to his office.)
Cretinous: (Shouting) WINSTON! VERMIN HAVE ENTERED MY OFFICE!
Winston: Oh, sir, I’m terribly sorry, sir! Oh dear! I told Mr. Stein he would have to make an appointment, sir! I said, “Just because you edit the Par—”
Cretinous: NOT THAT VERMIN, IDIOT! A RODENT! REMOVE IT AT ONCE!
(MR. WHISKERS enters behind CRETINOUS, with a scurrying motion.)
Mr. Whiskers: (Crosses stage rapidly)
Rejectionist: Fly, sirrah, fly! Thou hast ignoreth mine wise counsel! I am afeart for your life, young fellow!
(Exeunt MR. WHISKERS)
Cretinous: CALL THE SUPER THE SUPER MUST BE SUMMONED AT ONCE I SHALL NOT HAVE VERMIN IN THE OFFICE
Winston: (Dialing super) Er, right away, sir! I’ll call the super, sir!
“Steve”: (Peering out from office) Goodness, Cretinous, I think you might be overreacting a little!
Cretinous: WHO IS THIS PEON
Winston: Er, that’s “Steve,” sir! Your colleague?
"Steve": Oh come now, Cretinous, we've shared an office since 1992!
Cretinous: REMOVE HIM
Rejectionist: Oh look, lunchtime!
Agents: (In chorus) Chaos! Chaos! Chaos!
Scene: An office. REJECTIONIST is seated at desk.
Rejectionist: Huzzah, huzzah, time for my Snackimals and juice! O universe, hast thou ever produceth a finer sup than Snackimals and juice? Crunch, crunch! Methinks not! Alas, I have finished the bag!
(REJECTIONIST shakes last crumbs of Snackimals into open mouth, crosses stage to garbage can. REJECTIONIST lifts lid of garbage can. MR. WHISKERS is seated atop garbage, eating leftover sushi. MR. WHISKERS gazes up at REJECTIONIST.)
Rejectionist: What’s this? Fine furry friend, dost thou not heed my warning? Your life is worthless here, dear fellow! The engine of your doom hath been set in motion! The super comes!
“Steve”: Who are you talking to, Rejectionist?
Rejectionist: To no one, good “Steve”! No one at all!
“Steve”: Why, there’s that mouse!
Cretinous: (Entering) DESTROY IT
Winston: I think that’s the super, sir!
(Enter SUPER, with mousetrap)
Super: Let me at that varmint! (SUPER seizes garbage can. MR. WHISKERS and leftover sushi fly through the air. MR. WHISKERS appears startled by this turn of events. SUPER reaches for MR. WHISKERS. REJECTIONIST flings herself in front of SUPER)
Rejectionist: You’ll not have him!
(MR. WHISKERS lands next to sushi. MR. WHISKERS gazes about in confusion, then scampers across floor and disappears behind wainscoting.)
Rejectionist: Freedom for all!
Cretinous: (Bellowing) I’LL SEE IT DESTROYED
Rejectionist: DEATH FIRST
Winston: Oh dear!
Agents: (In chorus) Have we seen the end of Mr. Whiskers? Nay! Nay! Nay!