A Very Fuzzy Conspiracy; Or, The Rejectionist Reveals The Darkest of All Secrets
Thursday, July 8, 2010
SUMMER! UGH! We don't like it! And haven't ever liked it! (Our mom enjoys (FREQUENTLY) recalling taking us to a July wedding in New Orleans (WHO GETS MARRIED IN NEW ORLEANS IN JULY???) as a very tiny Rejectionist, where we violently refused to don any clothing other than our (cloth) diaper (not far from our outfit right now, actually) and wandered around periodically shouting TOO HOT MOMMY TOO HOT.) L'été was a marvelously pleasant season when we lived on the west coast, and "summer" meant "call in sick to your wretched service industry job and bicycle to the river with your panniers full of beer"; but alas, in New York "summer" is synonymous with "a sauna someone pooped all over and then died in." NOT TASTY. But! there is a little breeze at the moment, and we are somewhat recovered.
HOWEVER. COMPLAINT IS (for once) NOT THE PURPOSE OF TODAY'S POST, LITTLE DEARLETS. You remember Friday, when everyone talked about their writer-nests, and we were very delighted with all our dear Author-friends who so graciously participated in this activity with us, and there was a lovely atmosphere of bonhomie and whatnot? That was nice, wasn't it! So we were contentedly perusing all your blog-posts describing your writerly spaces, wherein you nobly toil in the face of many rejections and occasional Great Crises Re: Talent, Future, General Attractiveness and Maybe All Your Friends Are Just Deluded and You Are Not Very Funny or Smart At All Etc., and demand your Support Team bring you a lot of snacks even though he maybe also has this whole Artistic Career he is pursuing, but whatever, WE GET HUNGRY (oh! we are talking about ourself now, we just realized) and ANYWAY one thing we noticed! was that the Author-friends have a lot of cats! Nearly every one of your charming posts features at least one and sometimes several of these excellent animals! Cats and Author-friends go together like Rejectionists and stinky cheeses! And then we checked our email and discovered we had received a Particularly Terse Form Rejection (oh, we know you know what THOSE are like) and THEN we looked over at Lola Pants and--
Author-friends, Lola Pants was SMIRKING. There is no other word to describe the expression Lola Pants had affected, in that moment of our great duress. SMIRK. On the winsome muzzle of OUR PET.
And lo, Author-friends, a SEED OF DOUBT took root in the scarred and blackened ruin we call a heart--Author-friends, WHAT IF THERE IS A CORRELATION BETWEEN FORM REJECTIONS AND CATS. Author-friends, WHAT IF OUR CATS ARE SABOTAGING OUR CAREERS. It makes sense, doesn't it? Because if we are rejected, what do we do? KEEP WRITING. (Well, you SHOULD, anyway. BUCK UP.) And where do we write? AT HOME (mostly). And who is in our home? OUR CATS. And who gets extra attention and possibly very expensive organic kibbles when we are at home?
YES INDEED, THAT FURRY PERSON THERE.
AND THEN WE READ THIS ARTICLE. Author-friends, we now have SCIENTIFIC PROOF: OUR CATS ARE CONTROLLING US. OUR CATS ARE MAKING US STUPIDER. Author-friends, OUR CATS ARE DELIBERATELY MAKING OUR WRITING WORSE IN ORDER TO FACILITATE GREATER LEVELS OF PETTING AND TREATS DELIVERY.
Lola Pants has tried to prevent us from bringing you this message. Even now, she eyes us evilly. Even now, she plans our demise--Author-friends, if this is the last transmission you receive from us, you will know that Lola Pants has succeeded in her nefarious plan to destroy us! But we will not be silenced! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! BEWARE YOUR KITTEN AND ITS MANY PLOTS!
Posts
Crap. If I had only known this two months ago, I would not have adopted the two very adorable feline predators who are, as I type, climbing up this laptop's cord to sit squarely on top of my keyboard.
Oh dear. That article explains so much...
I did not participate in the general bonhomie last Friday, as I tend to be shy about my writing space and, also, I have a slow internet connection that does not manage pictures well. It is true, however, that I also have cats -- three adults and three kittens.
Two weeks ago Foggy, the little grey tom kitten, walked across my keyboard and managed to step on just the right keys (I have NO idea what they were) to cause my screen to rotate 90 degrees clockwise. It also made the mouse go all screwy. I had to use system restore to fix it.
Then, last week, I was just clicking the "apply" button to finish the last link on the last page of my website that I'm updating, when one of them reached up and slapped the "off" button on the power bar.
And they just finished eating my dinner too. I think you may be onto something!
I don't care. I am still getting that kitten!
I am mystified as to why no editor has already offered to publish a chapbook of Rejectionist-rants. It's shocking, actually. I am so shocked, I may have to pour myself another vodka. Yes, I'm really that shocked. Shocked, I tell you! (Also, shocked.)
All the more reason to put myself under supervision of the greyhound. It's like she knows I'm 'researching' and chooses that time to rest her head on my mouse hand but never when the writing is going well.
Impeccable logic. My cats use the classic kitty move of cat-on-keyboard. If it's not that, it's the struggle of "on" vs. "beside" (me) while I'm writing. They must not want this novel written.
At first I thought that report was a joke. I mean, Toxoplasma gondii? Isn't that when Ben Kingsley did Star Trek?
But then, it seems the end result for us is dopamine. And that's got to be good.
Infected men were less intelligent and prone to novelty-seeking behaviour.
Or novel-seeking behavior (which, as proven above, the nefarious felines quickly foil).
I have approximately 80 rejections, but no cat I can rid myself of. WHAT CAN I DO?!
I'm sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by that adorable cat pic. Hypnotized, really... look at those eyes...
OMG look at the cuteness! It`s so adorableeeee!
MS, Query? Who are these people, new rappers?
I tried to read this post but SQUEAKABOO kept standing in front of the screen and hissing. What was it about?
CAN'T UNSEE
Our cat thinks I am his Mommy, and I simply can't--won't--believe that he wants to sabotage my potential writing career.
I think he's trying to smother me in my sleep by draping his fur-covered body across my sweaty face, so that he can sue my biological children and claim my estate for himself as my first born child. . .
Where did I go wrong? I gave him everything . . .
Miss Lola Pants may need to be threatened with kitty boot camp in New Orleans. Without AC, of course.
And my own Kitty Wonderful's fascination with the keyboard suddenly makes a great deal more sense.
Also, somewhere out there an assistant should be fired for missing out on the greatest upcoming work of the millenia, that groundbreaking, genre-bending genius, THE REJECTIONIST's debut novel. Balls on them and a pox upon their house.
My roommate's cat must be behind the times. He won't come near me if I'm typing (no lap for him because the laptop is in it), but as soon as I'm sitting quietly with some gin and a nice plate of cheese he slinks out from under the couch and bites my toes.
Is it against the law to eat cats?
Thank you, Le R. for risking it all to bring this important missive to us. If indeed you do not post in a few days, we shall rally the Author-friends and rush to your abode post-haste with whiskies and cheeses.
I would like to add to the thoughts on making Le R. into a book. This book must come complete with pictures and tags. And comments. The tags and comments compliment Le R.’s posts like bourbon compliments…another bourbon.
AHHH!!
PEEPS IS FOR REAL. OMG OUR CATS WILL MAKE US VAMPIRES.
"NOT TASTY." :D
It is interesting you mention the cabal of small predators/saboteurs who have set up shop in my home, seemingly without my consent.
Just yesterday, whilst working on my wip, Pumpkin quite deliberately knocked over an entire mug of coffee. YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much liquid is in one small mug of coffee. Much the Rejectionist's ruin of a heart, it turns out a coffee mug is much larger on the inside than it is on the outside. How else could 3 gallons of coffee come out of it? 3 gallons of coffee that not only drowned my keyboard, but found a way to get into the gutty insides of my computer itself!
It is possible these small predators/saboteurs possess the magical ability to control liquids, much like the male Wonder Twin.
Luckily, Pumpkin failed in his attempt to destroy three months of work. But I now know his evil designs, and will endeavor to stay one step ahead of his various plots.
This is why I don't write at home. I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!
TRUETRUETRUE! (also: it took me 4 tries to correctly spell true.) my cat's technique includes incessant middle-of-the-night whining in order to render me stupidtired during the day. while she snores. all day.
must. overcome. catpower. (hey, cat power!)
HA!
I have no cats and yet I am covered with a plethora of form rejections, enough to wallpaper the writing cave several times over. Methings Lola Pants is innocent!
And what is all this about the heat being bad, you should try Lagos in July...melt you will.
With Hubby allergic to cats we have some immunity to that issue and have become a dog household. But on the other point -- Key West wedding, two years ago, in July. OUTDOORS!! Mid-afternoon! I have never seen more formally dressed people visibly contemplating violence or praying for the microphone hogging Aunt to die just so they could get a cold drink.
Cats. Spreading toxoplasma gondii and munchausen syndrome by proxy to the human community... Interesting.
Oh, I got distracted by the cat thing and forgot to mention that I totally feel your pain about the wedding in July thing! When I was a wee little author friend myself, I had to be flower girl at an older sister's July wedding.
Long dress. Long sleeves. High neck. Dark. Green. Wool.
But, hey, it was her special day, right? Killing the baby sister is an acceptable sacrifice.
>:O
ACK! I KNEW I took a picture of my bathtub for a reason! I blogged and EVERYTHING, but then I couldn't remember where to SHARE! So here it is... too late:
Confessions of a Watery Tart
And I will have you know, Cali, the feline at my house, has taken to laying with her back to the other side of my monitor and bathing herself, so the monitor waggles back and forth tauntingly...
*dies* I will have to check out everybody elses spots...
For those people who have no cats but many form rejections: Perhaps you do have cats and don't know it. Stealth cats, if you will, that hide in the ceiling and sneak out at night to eat all your lemon cookies and make you stupider.
You have to admit, it's a theory.
I got one of those letters just this morning. Cosmically weird!
And I don't have a cat (kid #2 is, sadly, allergic to critters). So I'm a little afraid.
I'd blame the rejection on the kid, but she's awfully damn cute...
My comment is not about cats (after all I have the Baxtor Boo) but about fonts. Just saw this and thought it would appeal:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/web/07/09/comic.sans.cavs.james/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn
I could not participate last friday because I did not have the foresight to photograph my space and then I had to work all day away from home.
I did post about cats. I think they illustrate many fine points and Janet Reid posted a link yesterday that proved they are excellant actors as well.
I have a poodle and he is in on this shit, too. I get form rejections. I am allergic to cats. However he is a preternaturally ALOOF dog, so he is clearly a kindred spirit to the feline conspirators.
Don't trust parrots, either.
Just sayin'.
Well, that explains this.
Affecting the male intellect, oh please (glances at the pic).
KITTY!
Ahem!
Never mind.
THIS is exactly why I don't have a cat. That and those dang allergies. I do have a dog who thinks he's a cat, so maybe that is why I haven't published yet.
I don't believe you, Le R. My cat is the gentlest of creatures who would never, ever sabotage me. Yes, mistress, I'm typing it. No, I don't sound sarcastic. Tone is very hard to read on the internet. No. NO! I can do better! Let me start over again, my Feline Overlord. Noo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! jzsfdn aurhfudh dffdjjdf...................
my cat eats rejection letters from agents (my niece did a you tube video about it) but occasionally tries to poison me when I eat out of a dish left on the counter that has been licked clean by my cat!
And to think I worried that cats were a prerequisite to writing...
Brilliant!
Post a Comment