A Very Fuzzy Conspiracy; Or, The Rejectionist Reveals The Darkest of All Secrets

SUMMER! UGH! We don't like it! And haven't ever liked it! (Our mom enjoys (FREQUENTLY) recalling taking us to a July wedding in New Orleans (WHO GETS MARRIED IN NEW ORLEANS IN JULY???) as a very tiny Rejectionist, where we violently refused to don any clothing other than our (cloth) diaper (not far from our outfit right now, actually) and wandered around periodically shouting TOO HOT MOMMY TOO HOT.) L'été was a marvelously pleasant season when we lived on the west coast, and "summer" meant "call in sick to your wretched service industry job and bicycle to the river with your panniers full of beer"; but alas, in New York "summer" is synonymous with "a sauna someone pooped all over and then died in." NOT TASTY. But! there is a little breeze at the moment, and we are somewhat recovered.

HOWEVER. COMPLAINT IS (for once) NOT THE PURPOSE OF TODAY'S POST, LITTLE DEARLETS. You remember Friday, when everyone talked about their writer-nests, and we were very delighted with all our dear Author-friends who so graciously participated in this activity with us, and there was a lovely atmosphere of bonhomie and whatnot? That was nice, wasn't it! So we were contentedly perusing all your blog-posts describing your writerly spaces, wherein you nobly toil in the face of many rejections and occasional Great Crises Re: Talent, Future, General Attractiveness and Maybe All Your Friends Are Just Deluded and You Are Not Very Funny or Smart At All Etc., and demand your Support Team bring you a lot of snacks even though he maybe also has this whole Artistic Career he is pursuing, but whatever, WE GET HUNGRY (oh! we are talking about ourself now, we just realized) and ANYWAY one thing we noticed! was that the Author-friends have a lot of cats! Nearly every one of your charming posts features at least one and sometimes several of these excellent animals! Cats and Author-friends go together like Rejectionists and stinky cheeses! And then we checked our email and discovered we had received a Particularly Terse Form Rejection (oh, we know you know what THOSE are like) and THEN we looked over at Lola Pants and--

Author-friends, Lola Pants was SMIRKING. There is no other word to describe the expression Lola Pants had affected, in that moment of our great duress. SMIRK. On the winsome muzzle of OUR PET.

And lo, Author-friends, a SEED OF DOUBT took root in the scarred and blackened ruin we call a heart--Author-friends, WHAT IF THERE IS A CORRELATION BETWEEN FORM REJECTIONS AND CATS. Author-friends, WHAT IF OUR CATS ARE SABOTAGING OUR CAREERS. It makes sense, doesn't it? Because if we are rejected, what do we do? KEEP WRITING. (Well, you SHOULD, anyway. BUCK UP.) And where do we write? AT HOME (mostly). And who is in our home? OUR CATS. And who gets extra attention and possibly very expensive organic kibbles when we are at home?

YES INDEED, THAT FURRY PERSON THERE.

AND THEN WE READ THIS ARTICLE. Author-friends, we now have SCIENTIFIC PROOF: OUR CATS ARE CONTROLLING US. OUR CATS ARE MAKING US STUPIDER. Author-friends, OUR CATS ARE DELIBERATELY MAKING OUR WRITING WORSE IN ORDER TO FACILITATE GREATER LEVELS OF PETTING AND TREATS DELIVERY.

Lola Pants has tried to prevent us from bringing you this message. Even now, she eyes us evilly. Even now, she plans our demise--Author-friends, if this is the last transmission you receive from us, you will know that Lola Pants has succeeded in her nefarious plan to destroy us! But we will not be silenced! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE! BEWARE YOUR KITTEN AND ITS MANY PLOTS!