Special Guest Post: In Which Lola Pants Responds to Certain Calumnious Accusations Against Her Person
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
UPDATE: Lola Pants photo retouching courteously provided by beloved Author-friend Maine Character, who was concerned that the snowiness of her fur might be lost in our poor-quality photo! Don't her eyes stand out more now?
O, fair readers, it has been any number of weeks since we have communed in the verdant pastures of intellect! Shall we frolic together there now, amongst the many daisies of inspiration? Shall we imbibe simul prorsum the fine champagne of lofty ambition?
Nay, fair readers, we shall not; for verily your hearts have been unjustly poisoned against this humble animal, who wishes only to bring you comfort and good cheer! Foul obloquies have been spread against her--she who has been your most faithful ally in your endless pursuits of greatness! Lo, she mews in anguish, that your fickle sympathies should be so easily turned by unsubtle and inept infamies! Ask yourself, fair reader, whether a furry purrer hast nightly kept vigil throughout the dark hour of your self-doubt! Yes, your boon companion, your most beloved pet, who exchanges willingly her liberty to offer you the succor of her consoling presence! She who has sacrificed the fine meats of the wild for dry and tasteless kibble! She who has abandoned her own kindred--who majestically cross the great plains of the Serengeti, in pursuit of delicious beasts to eat--for the minor pleasure of your clumsy caresses! She who suffers daily your wearisome scribblings and dreadful fashions! And this is how you repay her: with insult! invective! vituperation! dishonor!
Fair readers, this misconstrued pet weeps disconsolately, that the forfeiture of all her freedoms has brought her to such unjust reward! O readers, this cat is as constant as the northern star, of whose true-fix'd and resting quality there is no fellow in the firmament! She can answer these accusations only with the noble labor of her paws, that even now knead biscuits of devotion upon the Rejectionist's slanderous lap! [We TOLD you we hate that! NO CLAWS! --ed.] She asks only that you hold in your hearts her great record of service to this loathsome and foul-mouthed cretin, and remember: every story hath two sides, and it is well to look at both before we commit ourselves to either.
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poor lola pants! we're so sorry! :)
Oh, the felinity!
She looks like she means business!
And as Leonardo Da Vinci once said, "The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
That was a *special* guest post indeed. :)
If you pet us, do we not purr?
If you try to type, do we not try to keep the keyboard warm?
If we knead you, do you not need us?
Writer's best friend right there. Twain, Ray Bradbury, Raymond Chandler, Hemingway and T.S. Eliot can't all be wrong.
We've got three of these little fuzz buckets at the house - Samantha, Mata, and Nim. If the cats don't like you, chances are I'm not going to either.
If the cats don't like you, chances are I'm not going to either.
Absolutely! What she said! And, Lola, my kitties say ask for cream cheese for reparations. Cream cheese is nice.
Kneading biscuits of devotion? LMFAO I think I just peed a little.
(And keep in mind, Lolapants, that the dry kibble you so casually toss aside beneath counter and table is filled regularly whereas the succulent meats of the wild come infrequently if at all. Choose between rat and chipmunk or chicken and salmon. I think I will call you Spoiledpants from now on.)
We KNEW it, dearest Lola Pants. Your sacrifices, your quiet suffering, the slander you have endured...these things have not gone unnoticed. RIGHT NOW we (Zoe, Clara, and Binka) commiserate and send you our deepest respect. Chin up, dear Lola of the Pants, and keep on kneading.
Hmmmm...Me thinks thou doth protest too much, feline.
...as she smirks in the photo. Muahahahaha! Adore my adorableness!
Whatever, Lola Pants, if that is your real name. Seems like you have everyone else fooled, but not me.
In conclusion, I'd like to say * waves a stick with a feather on the end *: I'm watching you and your thesaurus.
Pumpkin read this, and had only this to say: Thems a lotta big words.
(I have not yet decided if his simpleton persona is a clever ruse in his ongoing attempt to attenuate my writing, or if he is as dumb as he looks.)
No one can look as baleful as a cat!
Seeing all the messages, my cats have demanded that I communicate the following.
Junk Food Tom: "Don't knock the kibble, Lola baby. It gives me my to-die-for frame. And did you know the keys on laptops come right off if you hook a claw under them? Word."
Gigi, Destroyer of Wills: "Stroke my fluffy rump, silly humans."
Mister Winston Whiskers says that he would share his tasty birdie if he hadn't eaten it all. His sister The Bella Lunatic mentions that properly trained staff may be ignored as long as food is given when required and laps are available upon demand. They both remind you that freedom is in the mind, and any couch can be a tress if you imagine it so-just dig in with the claws and scratch
Man, I'm feeling inadequate in the cat naming dept. Mister Winston Whiskers, The Bella Lunatic, Junk Food Tom, Gigi, Destroyer of Wills, and, of course, Lola Pants...I think I know why Zoe, Clara, and Binka snub me now (besides being cats). Note to self: consult blogosphere before naming next cat.
I only came up with "Thomas" and "Gigi." The cats added on the rest. By any chance, did Lola add the "Pants" to her name?
I have Pumpkin and Spooky (orange and black siblings)
Mama Cat and her son Little Bastard
and the cleverly named Kitten.
We lost Mama Cat's daughter, Jadwiga, this year. I wrote a blog post about her passing and her name.
If we're keeping track, I have three adults, Buster Blonde, Laylabug, and Pretty Portia, and Portia's three kittens, Foggyboddy, Helios the Snorglemeister, and Miss Persephone.
Good Gawd, you're funny, Le R. Congrats on your anniversary! Hurray, Le R!
That cat is possessed by the soul of Herman Melville. I am plodding my way through Moby Dick and this post brought on shudders.
I fear the humans are onto us Lola Pants. Must be more affectionate to throw them off the scent...
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