O, fair readers, it has been any number of weeks since we have communed in the verdant pastures of intellect! Shall we frolic together there now, amongst the many daisies of inspiration? Shall we imbibe simul prorsum the fine champagne of lofty ambition?
Nay, fair readers, we shall not; for verily your hearts have been unjustly poisoned against this humble animal, who wishes only to bring you comfort and good cheer! Foul obloquies have been spread against her--she who has been your most faithful ally in your endless pursuits of greatness! Lo, she mews in anguish, that your fickle sympathies should be so easily turned by unsubtle and inept infamies! Ask yourself, fair reader, whether a furry purrer hast nightly kept vigil throughout the dark hour of your self-doubt! Yes, your boon companion, your most beloved pet, who exchanges willingly her liberty to offer you the succor of her consoling presence! She who has sacrificed the fine meats of the wild for dry and tasteless kibble! She who has abandoned her own kindred--who majestically cross the great plains of the Serengeti, in pursuit of delicious beasts to eat--for the minor pleasure of your clumsy caresses! She who suffers daily your wearisome scribblings and dreadful fashions! And this is how you repay her: with insult! invective! vituperation! dishonor!
Fair readers, this misconstrued pet weeps disconsolately, that the forfeiture of all her freedoms has brought her to such unjust reward! O readers, this cat is as constant as the northern star, of whose true-fix'd and resting quality there is no fellow in the firmament! She can answer these accusations only with the noble labor of her paws, that even now knead biscuits of devotion upon the Rejectionist's slanderous lap! [We TOLD you we hate that! NO CLAWS! --ed.] She asks only that you hold in your hearts her great record of service to this loathsome and foul-mouthed cretin, and remember: every story hath two sides, and it is well to look at both before we commit ourselves to either.