HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY
Sunday, May 9, 2010
OMG, Author-friends, will you bear with us for a minute while we talk about HOW BEYOND AWESOME OUR MOM IS? Because our mom is awesome. OBVIOUSLY our mom is awesome, because she gave birth to US, although if our mom had realized the foaming weirdly-dressed pinko communist her wholehearted support of our early childhood activities would produce, she would have maybe thought twice about telling us we could be whatever we wanted to be in our life. Ha! Parents, let that be a lesson to you! Crush the aspirations of your offspring, LEST THEY TURN OUT LEFTIST! But for the record! OUR MOM TOTALLY TRIED HER BEST, and made us go to church,* and NEVER brought us up to say a lot of bad words or wear leggings as pants or shout at people or tell them their books are stupid; our mom actually says things like this a lot: "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" and "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" EXCEPT IF THAT WAS TRUE FOR US WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TALK. But it is NOT our mom's responsibility, this deranged and easily agitated person that we have become. Our mom is the BEST.
There is one thing that is extra true about our mom, though: underneath that demure and unfailingly polite and decorous Catholic-lady exterior is a FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON OF TERROR; and everything we know about being a lady you do not fuck with we learned from our mom, although she would probably keel over and die before referring to herself as "a lady you do not fuck with" (BUT IT'S TRUE, MOM). People who fuck with our mom are NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN. Our mom taught us the best lessons of all, which are these: love yourself, know when you are right, let go when you are wrong, and never, ever back down when something matters to you. And also, in the words of the inimitable Lil Wayne, who our mom has never heard of and would be greatly alarmed at appearing in the same sentence with if she had, "Fuck other people." HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM. WE HEART YOU. Sorry we cuss so much IT'S BECAUSE WE DIDN'T SAY A BAD WORD FOR THE FIRST EIGHTEEN YEARS OF OUR LIFE.
*As a compromise we were allowed to read the Bible during the boring parts of church, and as a result can still to this day relate entire passages of the Old Testament, which, by the way, is REALLY DIRTY.
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I'm so grateful to your mom for raising the awesome Rejectionist! I shudder to imagine life without this blog...the world as we know it would never be the same.
Your mom sounds like a great woman. Wonderful tribute to her today dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
P.S. I curse for the same damn reason.
Did your mom attend the same school of opening-cans-of-whoop ass-on-people-who-piss-her-off as my mom?
The Old Testament was scandalous!
FUCK YEAH.
Okay, at the risk of revealing my soggy, maudlin underbelly...this made me a smidgen weepy.
My own (very young) progeny will be subjected to the very same trials. (BTW, I STILL read the Bible instead of listen to the very boring sermons and you are absolutely correct. Much more interesting and WAY DIRTIER than anything else you will ever hear/be exposed to in church.) I don't care if they grow up to be foul-mouthed pinkos. I want them to grow into people who know what they think, why they think it, and own it.
So cheers to LeR's mom for doing a bang-up job. And say a prayer for me that I can pull it off my own self.
I wish I'd had a Bible to read in church. Still, I do remember my Mom letting me draw "Land of the Lost" cartoons on a pad of paper she'd bring along in her purse. But only up till when I was twelve.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there and to all of us so blessed by them.
God bless your mother, Le R. I should like to send her a thank you note.
Your mom sounds awesome.
My mother was the "do as I say not as I do" type. She cussed up a storm, then had a heart attack if I said "crap." She ate a half gallon of ice cream as a meal, then chastised me for my constant snacking on Little Debbies. Those are just two (minor) examples. I'll not even get into the career choice debacle, the "oh no you're NOT marrying that swine", or the terror I endured working up the nerve to tell her I had an unplanned pregnancy well within the confines of a legal marriage bond... at age 24... and let's just say, by the time SHE was 24, she was working on child number 3, which, ironically, happened to be me. JUST SAYING, MOM.
So, needless to say, my approach to parenting is somewhat different. My son does NOT have to eat things he does not like (but he doesn't get to eat cupcakes as a meal either), he does NOT get in trouble for saying the word "shit" (at age four, I believe, was the first time he said it) because I'm sure he heard it from me and I'm just glad it's not the F-word (yet), and he does NOT have a specific bed time, we just all go to bed whenever we're tired enough to sleep (I mean, really, who wants to lie in bed staring at the ceiling when you could be playing Lego Batman?). Another bad memory just popped up... it's really not cool to send your kid to bed at 7 in the summer time when the sun doesn't set until after 9, and HELLO, they don't have to get up early for school either, so what's the BIG DEAL, MOM?
And yes, I blame it all on my mother because, try as he did, my father did NOT get to wear the pants. Ever. They are divorced now, by the way. Yeah. Didn't see THAT coming like a freight train. *rolls eyes*
Are we sisters? Because I think we have the same mom.
My mom is awesome, too. Yay for awesome moms!
I went to church school and every week we were required to memorize a chapter (not a verse, a CHAPTER) from the bible to recite.
I can confirm that yes the old testament is extremely dirty. And I have reached a church attendence quota so I never have to go again.
I've always thought one of the best things you could do for your children is to give them something to rebel against. Choose wisely.
Quick sidenote to Lydia:
I'm glad you DID marry that swine, and Little Joe DOES get in trouble for saying s***. I yell at you for saying it. Keep it up, you're both going to get soap mouth.
Hehe. Yer mom hatez mee.
Your mom sounds awesome. Mine is too. In fact, my mom is my hero.
From LeR Pere. A great blog and tribute to LeR mom. She is on cloud 9...not referenced in the OT but still somewhere out there! Thanks for honoring her and grats to all your author friends for comments. Now to move to the right, how so?
Of course your mom would never refer to herself as "a lady you do not fuck with" because mothers are born to correct grammar. She would, of course, call herself "a lady with whom you do not fuck".
Your mum has done a great job raising you!
If one day (or today...that would be good) my children refer to me as a FIRE BREATHING DRAGON OF TERROR, I would be so happy that I'd drop to the ground and weep. That. Is. So. COOL. *sighs*
Oh, and I up and died laughing at the whole "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it" thing. Bravo, Le R! Bra-VO :)
your mother deserves an infinite supply of unicorns and rainbows.
love this post!
Maybe your kickass mom read this splendid article about Lil Wayne in the NYT and would be secretly thrilled to get a same-sentence mention with "the hardest-working man in hip hop." Maybe?
I love you rejectionist. For this post, alone. I love thee. Did thou readest the passages in King James? I also recited involved passages, and never uttered a cuss word until I was 18, and never said Fuck until I was 28 and I now refer to myself as a kickass woman. So, I love thee for thy insightful, forthcoming words. Happy Mother's Day to me. This post was my card.
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