HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

OMG, Author-friends, will you bear with us for a minute while we talk about HOW BEYOND AWESOME OUR MOM IS? Because our mom is awesome. OBVIOUSLY our mom is awesome, because she gave birth to US, although if our mom had realized the foaming weirdly-dressed pinko communist her wholehearted support of our early childhood activities would produce, she would have maybe thought twice about telling us we could be whatever we wanted to be in our life. Ha! Parents, let that be a lesson to you! Crush the aspirations of your offspring, LEST THEY TURN OUT LEFTIST! But for the record! OUR MOM TOTALLY TRIED HER BEST, and made us go to church,* and NEVER brought us up to say a lot of bad words or wear leggings as pants or shout at people or tell them their books are stupid; our mom actually says things like this a lot: "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" and "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all" EXCEPT IF THAT WAS TRUE FOR US WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TALK. But it is NOT our mom's responsibility, this deranged and easily agitated person that we have become. Our mom is the BEST.

There is one thing that is extra true about our mom, though: underneath that demure and unfailingly polite and decorous Catholic-lady exterior is a FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON OF TERROR; and everything we know about being a lady you do not fuck with we learned from our mom, although she would probably keel over and die before referring to herself as "a lady you do not fuck with" (BUT IT'S TRUE, MOM). People who fuck with our mom are NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN. Our mom taught us the best lessons of all, which are these: love yourself, know when you are right, let go when you are wrong, and never, ever back down when something matters to you. And also, in the words of the inimitable Lil Wayne, who our mom has never heard of and would be greatly alarmed at appearing in the same sentence with if she had, "Fuck other people." HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM. WE HEART YOU. Sorry we cuss so much IT'S BECAUSE WE DIDN'T SAY A BAD WORD FOR THE FIRST EIGHTEEN YEARS OF OUR LIFE.

*As a compromise we were allowed to read the Bible during the boring parts of church, and as a result can still to this day relate entire passages of the Old Testament, which, by the way, is REALLY DIRTY.