A Day in the Life: Special Rejectionist Edition
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Here, for the first time ever, we present to you a moment-to-moment account of a day in the life of the Rejectionist, with a loving nod to our VFF* Eric.
7:10 AM: Rise refreshed and ready to greet a new day
REJECTIONIST: @&$@#@&# CAT GET YOUR PAW OFF OUR @#$%@% FACE OR WE'LL COOK YOU
8:00 AM: Energizing commute to the office
REJECTIONIST: GOING TO DISEMBOWEL NEXT MAN IN SUIT WHO HITS US WITH WET UMBRELLA ON L TRAIN
9:17 AM: Strategize innovative approaches to problem-solving with other industry personnel
CRETINOUS VAN POOPYPANTS: WHY HAS NO ONE MADE MY COFFEE
WINSTON: (Trembling) I'm so sorry, sir! I'm terribly sorry! It will never happen again! I was-- er, I was just--
REJECTIONIST: Helping us fix the photocopier! Weren't you, Winston?
CRETINOUS: WHO IS THIS GNAT? WHAT IS THIS BUZZING IT EMITS?
WINSTON: (Whispering) She's "Steve's" assistant, sir! Er, yes, the photocopier! I was helping the Rejectionist fix the photocopier!
CRETINOUS: TODAY I FEEL MAGNANIMOUS, PEON, AND YOU MAY KEEP YOUR JOB
WINSTON: Oh, thank you, sir!
(CRETINOUS enters office. WINSTON embraces REJECTIONIST, weeping with gratitude)
10:04 AM: Editorial consultation on major client project
"STEVE": &*@#*@&#&@ TRACK CHANGES
REJECTIONIST: Just click the "accept changes" button!
"STEVE": @*@#*@*%%&@#
REJECTIONIST: Here, we'll do it.
10:34 AM: Investigate potential markets
rejectionistandyourmom@gmail.com: dude emily gould got 6 figures for that fucking book of blog posts
cherielecrivain@gmail.com: patience, our time will come
11:32 AM: Nurture burgeoning talent
RANDOM CALLER: Hi, I just thought I'd call and see if you could take the next half-hour of your time to explain to me what exactly a "literary agent" does?
REJECTIONIST: GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER
12:30 PM: Enjoy nutritious luncheon in the company of coworkers
NICE ASSISTANT: Want to go out for lunch?
REJECTIONIST: (Gazing sadly at small bowl of brown rice brought from home) We already spent our spare quarters on laundry this week.
NICE ASSISTANT: Um, I can afford to loan you a dollar.
1:28 PM: Liaise with valued clients
"STEVE" CLIENT: Wife leaving blah blah turning to alcohol blah blah editor clearly moron blah blah can't believe horse piss New Yorker tries to pass off as literature blah blah no one understands unique gift blah blah "Steve" not returning calls blah blah
REJECTIONIST: Mmmmmmmmm the pathos
2:30 PM: Prioritize invitations to industry events
rejectionistandyourmom@gmail.com: dude this one has free wine AND cheese
cherielecrivain@gmail.com: so totally there
4:45 PM: Confer with senior team members
"STEVE": (Weeping) WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING ME THIS GARBAGE MAKE IT STOP
REJECTIONIST: We got you a cookie
5:30 PM: Depart office with tasks accomplished
REJECTIONIST: Damn, forgot to google that youtube video of the pigeon riding the subway
7:48 PM: Attend important cultural happening
SUPPORT TEAM: OMG ALL SEASONS OF XFILES STREAMING ON NETFLIX
REJECTIONIST: THANK YOU BELOVED UNIVERSE
10:15 PM: Compose own Great Literary Works
REJECTIONIST: Oooooh! SEVERAL youtube videos of pigeons riding the subway!
11:58 PM: Enrich mind with masterpiece of modern literature
REJECTIONIST: Dragons of Spring Dawning for the 245th time HUZZAH
12:45 AM: Drift off to blissful slumber secure in the knowledge that the Rejectionist has triumphed over yet another day
SUPPORT TEAM: Is that the cat or someone climbing the fire escape?
REJECTIONIST: Gnnahsasarrrphle
SUPPORT TEAM: Okay, I'll check.
*Very first fiancé.
Posts
Cool.
Haaa! You make a cubicle bound morning better maam.
So many good t-shirt slogans mixed in there...
My VERY favorite part:
RANDOM CALLER: Hi, I just thought I'd call and see if you could take the next half-hour of your time to explain to me what exactly a "literary agent" does?
REJECTIONIST: GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER
And I think when people ask me questions from now on, I should just say GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER.
Except my wife. And kids. Because I don't want to get divorced. And the barns are still chilly at night.
I fell bad for Winston.
t-shirt front:
Answer:
GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER!
t-shirt back:
Send your questions to:
therejectionist.com
Precious Child, trying to decide what to wear to school: Mum, what's the weather going to be like today?
A.A., drinking coffee and trying to read The Rejectionist before going to work: GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER
The Rejectionist: Friend of the People! And Winston! Hooray!
Fan. Tastic.
VFF: THE FIRST AND THE GREATEST
E
The GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER part is exactly why lmgtfy.com is my new favorite thing.
For example: http://tinyurl.com/25juoze
Though really there should be a version with more swearing to bring the point home.
You're all that AND you can make a copier work?
TRICERATOPHAT BLOWS THE REJECTIONIST'S MIND YET AGAIN
Q: What is Battlestar Galactica?
A: GOOGLE, MOTHERFRAKKER
ah, my kind of day! Thanks for the smiles :)
Does it help you to know that I telepathically transmit evil, destructive thoughts at Cretinous whenever he comes up in your posts?
You bring out the best in me, le R.
Left to my own devices I draw cute cartoon animals and such, but when I come over here I get to talk about BAD WORDS.
LUCY WOODHULL RISES TO THE OCCASION
When does le R store open in which peons might purchase said GOOGLE MOTHERFUCKER tee shirts? Because I die.
aaaaahahahahahahaha
I WISH I COULD PUT YOU IN MY POCKET.
Bwwwaaahhhhaaahhhaa. The random caller was hilarious.
And I love the X-Files as well. :-D
Sounds like a lot of work in one day. Wow.
My favorite line: We got you a cookie.
Your day is so glamorous. And flossy flossy.
Let Me Google That For You is good, but Just Fucking Google It is better.
Give Winston a cookie for me, and put me in for that t-shirt.
And thanks for that link, triceratophat. While there, I tried the obvious and ended up at this site, which could be a link on this site for “What, exactly, does a Literary Agent Do?”
Sounds alot like my supervisor at my job.
Except at my job, I screw up people's paychecks for a living.
Specifically, state government paychecks.
Thanks for the evening chuckle.
Thank you so much for this! I totally needed a laugh, but I feel sorry for Le R and Winston! :( Time to gather the pitchforks and torches, methinks!
Le R, if there isn't an "I <3 Raistlin" t-shirt out there somewhere, there should be.
-J
P.S. Pigeons riding the subway sounds AMAZING.
My day:
9:00 AM: Time to sit down to get in a full day of writing.
Me: Oh tralala, since I have ALL day, I think I'll dink around for a SECOND and check out this blog.
(Proceeds to read every single post by the Rejectionist, and nearly pees her pants multiple times from laughing.)
6:00 PM Writing time ends, and the time to Get Other Stuff Done begins.
Me: Shit.
(Knows she just found her new best distraction, aside from X-files. NooOOOooOOOooOo!)
"GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER" now supercedes all previous uses of '42'.
I live in fear of becoming Cretinous VonPoopypants.
I heart you, Rejectionist, and you deserve a seven-figure advance.
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