A Day in the Life: Special Rejectionist Edition

Here, for the first time ever, we present to you a moment-to-moment account of a day in the life of the Rejectionist, with a loving nod to our VFF* Eric.

7:10 AM: Rise refreshed and ready to greet a new day

REJECTIONIST: @&$@#@&# CAT GET YOUR PAW OFF OUR @#$%@% FACE OR WE'LL COOK YOU

8:00 AM: Energizing commute to the office

REJECTIONIST: GOING TO DISEMBOWEL NEXT MAN IN SUIT WHO HITS US WITH WET UMBRELLA ON L TRAIN

9:17 AM: Strategize innovative approaches to problem-solving with other industry personnel

CRETINOUS VAN POOPYPANTS: WHY HAS NO ONE MADE MY COFFEE

WINSTON: (Trembling) I'm so sorry, sir! I'm terribly sorry! It will never happen again! I was-- er, I was just--

REJECTIONIST: Helping us fix the photocopier! Weren't you, Winston?

CRETINOUS: WHO IS THIS GNAT? WHAT IS THIS BUZZING IT EMITS?

WINSTON: (Whispering) She's "Steve's" assistant, sir! Er, yes, the photocopier! I was helping the Rejectionist fix the photocopier!

CRETINOUS: TODAY I FEEL MAGNANIMOUS, PEON, AND YOU MAY KEEP YOUR JOB

WINSTON: Oh, thank you, sir!

(CRETINOUS enters office. WINSTON embraces REJECTIONIST, weeping with gratitude)

10:04 AM: Editorial consultation on major client project

"STEVE": &*@#*@&#&@ TRACK CHANGES

REJECTIONIST: Just click the "accept changes" button!

"STEVE": @*@#*@*%%&@#

REJECTIONIST: Here, we'll do it.

10:34 AM: Investigate potential markets

rejectionistandyourmom@gmail.com: dude emily gould got 6 figures for that fucking book of blog posts

cherielecrivain@gmail.com: patience, our time will come

11:32 AM: Nurture burgeoning talent

RANDOM CALLER: Hi, I just thought I'd call and see if you could take the next half-hour of your time to explain to me what exactly a "literary agent" does?

REJECTIONIST: GOOGLE, MOTHERFUCKER

12:30 PM: Enjoy nutritious luncheon in the company of coworkers

NICE ASSISTANT: Want to go out for lunch?

REJECTIONIST: (Gazing sadly at small bowl of brown rice brought from home) We already spent our spare quarters on laundry this week.

NICE ASSISTANT: Um, I can afford to loan you a dollar.

1:28 PM: Liaise with valued clients

"STEVE" CLIENT: Wife leaving blah blah turning to alcohol blah blah editor clearly moron blah blah can't believe horse piss New Yorker tries to pass off as literature blah blah no one understands unique gift blah blah "Steve" not returning calls blah blah

REJECTIONIST: Mmmmmmmmm the pathos

2:30 PM: Prioritize invitations to industry events

rejectionistandyourmom@gmail.com: dude this one has free wine AND cheese

cherielecrivain@gmail.com: so totally there

4:45 PM: Confer with senior team members

"STEVE": (Weeping) WHY DO THEY KEEP SENDING ME THIS GARBAGE MAKE IT STOP

REJECTIONIST: We got you a cookie

5:30 PM: Depart office with tasks accomplished

REJECTIONIST: Damn, forgot to google that youtube video of the pigeon riding the subway

7:48 PM: Attend important cultural happening

SUPPORT TEAM: OMG ALL SEASONS OF XFILES STREAMING ON NETFLIX

REJECTIONIST: THANK YOU BELOVED UNIVERSE

10:15 PM: Compose own Great Literary Works

REJECTIONIST: Oooooh! SEVERAL youtube videos of pigeons riding the subway!

11:58 PM: Enrich mind with masterpiece of modern literature

REJECTIONIST: Dragons of Spring Dawning for the 245th time HUZZAH

12:45 AM: Drift off to blissful slumber secure in the knowledge that the Rejectionist has triumphed over yet another day

SUPPORT TEAM: Is that the cat or someone climbing the fire escape?

REJECTIONIST: Gnnahsasarrrphle

SUPPORT TEAM: Okay, I'll check.

*Very first fiancé.