Vengeance Is Mine, Saith the Assistant
Friday, April 9, 2010
(Morning. ASSISTANT, seated at desk, types quietly.)
PHONE: Ring! Ring!
ASSISTANT: "Steve"'s slush-crushery, Rejectionist speaking!
LADY ON PHONE: Good morning! This is Linda, enthusiastic telephone salesperson representing the Purgatorio Supreme Emporium of Extraneous Items! May I please speak to the person in charge of office storage solutions management decisions?
ASSISTANT: Um, that person is out of the office. Er, unavailable. No, actually, deceased.
LINDA: Oh! Oh dear!
(Audible turning of ASSISTANT brain-gears.)
ASSISTANT: NO WAIT! WE MEANT IN THE OTHER OFFICE!
LINDA: I'm sorry?
ASSISTANT: Yes! In the other office! The person in charge of solutions is Cretinous van Poopypants! In the next office! Mr. Poopypants would enjoy nothing more than to make office storage solutions management decisions! All day! You simply must speak to him at once!
LINDA: (Pause) Really?
ASSISTANT: YES! Mr. van Poopypants was just lamenting the dearth of office storage solutions! Just yesterday! Lamenting! In fact, you should call Mr. van Poopypants every day, at 11:32 AM, when his assistant is allowed to take a three-minute restroom break! If you call when the assistant is away from the desk you'll be sure to reach Mr. van Poopypants directly!
LINDA: (Uncertainly) Every day? Are you sure?
ASSISTANT: YES! EVERY DAY! Do you have an email newsletter?
LINDA: Why, yes! Yes we do!
ASSISTANT: Mr. van Poopypants would be ECSTATIC to receive a regular office storage solutions management newsletter! Why don't you call him at home also! And on his cell! There are so many arenas of Mr. van Poopypants' life that would be enriched by a constant influx of office storage solutions management decision opportunities!
LINDA: Oh my, you've been so helpful! I can't thank you enough!
ASSISTANT: Mr. van Poopypants will be so pleased! It's YOU who should be thanked, friend Linda!
(Joy radiates from all the corners of the earth.)
FIN
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Le R., you are deliciously evil and I love it. This entry made my Friday. :)
And that is why I do not fuck with the assistant.
This is excellent. I hope we get another installment...to find out what types of storage solutions Van P prefers, of course.
(Rolls on the floor, wipes tears)
This is just tooooo funny :-)
I could actually use some storage solutions. I mean, have you seen my basement? So chuck that number my way.
Always be nice to The Assistant!
Really, the Invisible Workforce, those people the world takes for granted, wields a tremendous amount of power, and usually at the time you need it the most.
This hit home for me when I was in college. I'd always been nice to the custodial staff and security folks in the building I worked in -- just because my mama raised me right, but still.
The night I locked my purse (with house keys and the entire three bucks I had to my name) in the office I worked in, I asked if I could be let back in.
The security guard said, "I'm not supposed to, but you know, you've always treated me like a real human being. So what the heck. Let's get that purse."
Isn't it sad that I was the exception who treated that poor guy like a human being? He WAS a human being! And so is the Rejectionist.
Mr. Van Poopypants, now ... not so sure about that!
Excellent. Most excellent.
Also, can I be impressed that someone could only take three minutes to pee? Or concerned that they don't wash their hands?
Why, oh, why am I not a genius like you?
Too bad there is no one in my office I hate so much to send them a telemarketer. Hmm. I shall have to make an enemy soon.
Brilliant! If only I had some way to replicate this genius with my own version of Mr. van Poopypants.
This is awesome.
hahahahahahahahaha
*dies*
ahahahaaaaaaaa
*falls out of chair*
ahahagljnkfjn.kfnfm,b.lkll
Oh. Oh...
If I was able to *breathe*, I might tell you that you are simply made of sin and I love you.
But I'm laughing too hard.
Oh, Le R., I dream of the day when I can quit my work-a-day assistanting. After I do, I shall wreak havoc upon certain persons' e-mails and phone numbers. Why, yes, TELL THEM ABOUT THE MAN-PART PILL WHICH WILL IMPROVE FIRMNESS 87%!
Hilarious. I feel more sorry for the salesperson than von Poopypants, though. She's ust trying to feed herself.
10 out of 10, Le R!
Evil brilliance. Next it will be a toner recycling rep, right?
Capital performance! Top marks!
Congratulations on your stealth attack.
Very sneaky! Actually, this kind of thing works for all assistants. If you endure someone long enough, the opportunity will come for payback. And payback is a bitch. All it takes is patience.
I really truly hope that you actually had the above conversation and this wasn't just a joke post.
Seriously. That would give me more pleasure than a chocolate bath.
Excellent work! Karma in action.
I am in Borders, may they live forever, and garnering interesting looks.
Reason: laughter is contagious (at least I hope that's why they are all grinning at me:P)
I used to be an "Executive Assistant" (that just meant I was allowed to buy things on the company account LOL) and it allowed me many an opportunity to Futz with the boss's ex-girlfriend who kept calling :D (He was too nice to tell her anything. I did it in the most I am helpful and guarding my boss way :D)
Oh for the brilliance of the Rejectionist!
**hiccup** I'm laughing too hard. I think my husband is getting worried about me :-)
Indeed, Hell hath no fury... and you ain't even been scorned yet!
Ha! That was awesome.
As I once wrote to an illicit friend, "If I am wicked, I am wickedly fond of you."
I haven't laughed for that many consecutive minutes since the new Who premiered. Still laughing, actually.
I've read this three times. It makes me laugh every time!
your evil ways are just delicious. when i get to new york for a vist, i want to be the fly on your wall as you secretly torture mr. vanP. you are my new hero. skulk away!
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