Stuff We Did On Our Vacation, Part Two, With Assorted Digressions
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
1. While we were on vacation the state of Arizona lost its fucking mind. Arizona, you are so rejected. How about we pass a law that we are allowed to arrest someone on "reasonable suspicion" that THEY'RE AN ASSHAT. Hmm? HMMM? HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU? Anyway, good luck getting that one past THE FUCKING CONSTITUTION WHICH LAST TIME WE CHECKED WAS STILL IN USE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
2. Oh yeah! The other thing we did on our vacation was NOT LOOK AT THE INTERNET. Not ONCE. Except to check our email, which sort of isn't looking at the internet, right? No publishing blogs! No goth-fashions blogs! No random vampire-fact googling! Author-friends, IT WAS AMAZING. It was LIBERATING. It made us feel NOT CRAZY! FILLED WITH HOPE! BUOYANT AND OPTIMISTIC! HEALTHY! As though perhaps a lot of what happens on the internet IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT! and merely DISTRACTS US FROM OUR PURPOSE! What did we do instead? Frolicked on beaches! Hiked in the woods! Petted baby goats! Played with doggies! Ate delicious snacks with persons beloved to us! Wrote in our little journal! Read cheesy fantasy novels! Had deep thoughts! Talked about how much we hate racism with our awesome friend Emiko! And so, on the heels of this transformative activity, we come to...
3. Realized we need to do other stuff besides blogging NO WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY ENTIRELY. We promise. But really, it is sort of like when you get the bicycle with the training wheels and your dad wants to take off the training wheels and you are all like NO DAD I CAN'T RIDE THE BICYCLE WITHOUT THE TRAINING WHEELS and then your dad is all like mm hmm and then takes them off and says he will hold the seat and then when you aren't looking he lets go and OMG LOOK AT THAT YOU DIDN'T NEED THE TRAINING WHEELS YOU ARE RIDING THE BICYCLE ALL BY YOUR OWN SELF.* All we are doing is telling you a bunch of times: a. don't be crazy b. don't write a stupid book c. if you are crazy and/or write a stupid book it is extremely possible you will get a seven-figure book deal anyway. You don't need us to tell you that, dear ones! You are so clever and brave on your own! We will still be here! After this week we will be here a little less, that's all. We will continue to make book reviews! and bad jokes! and Author-interviews! We might just write a little more about our self and our many interests, subjects we find vastly entertaining, and a little less about publishing, a subject that is rapidly losing any interest for us whatsoever and is anyway very well-covered by our many, far saner, more professional, and well-informed compatriots, who have much wisdom to offer you, and far less rabid foaming.** So don't roar your terrible Author-roars! and gnash your terrible Author-teeth! and roll your terrible Author-eyes!*** You KNOW you only read this blog to procrastinate and also so you can be like man, I might be getting rejected a lot, but AT LEAST I'M NOT THE NEW YORK CITY RESIDENT WHO MISSPELLED MANHATTAN SIX TIMES IN HIS QUERY LETTER or the person working on a PARANORMAL ROMANCE STARRING THE BABY JESUS. You can now think of the Rejectionist toiling quietly alongside you, amassing HER OWN collection of rejection letters (we already have a bunch, does that make you feel better?). Okay? OKAY.
4. We would also like to state for the record that last night we went running AND SAW SNOOP DOGG AND HIS ENTOURAGE ENTERING BROOKLYN BOWL (??). Yep, really.
*When our dad did this (almost everybody's dad does this, right?) we totally fell down, but we are very clumsy. Anyway, you get the point.
**It's true our outfits are probably more amazing.
***Did you know that book was originally supposed to be about horses, but got changed to wild things because Maurice Sendak couldn't draw a horse? How's THAT for a lesson about revision, hmm?
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you know what freaks me out? the maurice sendak book with the ice baby and the horrible goblins and the weird sister.
and le r is taking time for themself. noooo. ok, fine. do it. so long as we still get some jokes.
(tee hee, my word verification is pedat, which is close enough to pedant for me to laff)
glad you had such a good time on yr holiday.
Arizona will always have the Grand Canyon, which apparently gives them liberty to be asshats. (oh, I used the word "liberty", how ironic)
You can't do that, Arizona.
Well, if you don't let us we'll prevent access to one of this country's greatest natural features.
Don't play the *expletive* Grand Canyon card again.
...or something like that. Anyway, is it wrong that I enjoy hearing about YOUR rejections? I'd love to see one of your reject letters. Pretty please?
Arizona's law will get overturned. Immigration is a federal issue, something that local law enforcement cannot enforce. Something similar was just attempted in Massachusetts and was promptly overturned on that basis.
It's jarring for me to see how small Arizona's state legislature is. New Hampshire's is the third largest in the world (after only the US and British parliamentary bodies). Not that we still don't get our own share of stupidity, we just have a lot more people being stupid.
Dear Joseph, also, if the United States had the population density of Brooklyn, the whole country would fit into New Hampshire! Another exciting NH fact!
It will get overturned, but it's pretty depressing that it, you know, passed. WHERE IS THE GODDAMN PEOPLE'S REVOLUTION
I officially state for the record that I don't care what you write about so long as it continues to use all caps in the most hilarious of places.
I too find reading the internet to sometimes be the most depressing thing ever. Especially when kids get suspended from school for having toy soldiers with guns.
Know what's even meaner than the oops-I-sort-of-accidentally-let-go-of-the-seat-and-look-at-you-go trick? Never putting the training wheels on the bike in the first place. You learn nothing till they're off, anyway.
Who would be so mean? Me.
I abandon no fiancees.
Who else could I talk about Elif Batuman with?
Another perk of living in Japan? Ignoring silly Western news. Not that Japan doesn't have it's own silly news, but it's in Japanese and 99% of it doesn't apply to me.
A law like that wouldn't suck if it were universal. In Columbia, there's a mandatory military service for males. You have to walk with your papers all the time. If you don't have them, you just might get carted off to the army. And on the list of countries you don't want to be forced to join the army in, Colombia ranks pretty high.
That said, the policy is universal. Cops ask everybody.
Trying to imagine someone asking a 30 year old blonde woman about her immigration status in Arizona. Coming up blank.
Le R, thanks for the good times. Don't go too far!
True story. My father refused to take the training wheels off until I could ride without them touching the ground. But bikes wobble, so he never took them off. So now, as a thirty-**something** adult female I cannot ride a bike. Can. Not. Mock me, yes. My husband does all the time. I never bothered to buy myself one and blame my dad for warping me. THIS IS WHY I AM WEIRD. Well, that and the Mel Brooks from the age of four or so. Also Daddy's fault.
When I was seven my poor dad taught me how to ride a bike, swim, ice skate, and play every major sport know to American kids in urban areas (baseball, football, frisbee, basketball, soccer...)
There was much whining and "I can't do it!" and how he survived I'll never know.
Posts about your deep thoughts and/or favorite fashions will always be welcomed by me.
OH AUTHOR-FRIENDS! Sniff, sniff. THE REJECTIONIST WEEPS WITH ADORATION
Dear Keith Popely, it's not us, it's you. HEE HEE HEE
Ah, Young Rejectionist, this ahem, mature Author Friend (who is pursuing her Author Dream while fighting hot flashes and raising hairy young adult men who look nothing like the babies she remembers and reading lots of freshman papers about Holden Caulfield that make no sense whatsover)does, in the current vernacular "feel you."
And supports your brave march forward. While feeling the tiniest bit bereft as she watches you flutter along on those developing wings. . .
I am with Keith Popely on this. As I don't know where you live, I suppose I could walk around outside with a boombox, playing it forlornly at all windows until one of the people who appear to throw things at me seems to match your photo from the last post. (Luckily, your face appears highly distinctive.) Considered just holding up a boombox outside the Internet, but doubt that would get the desired response.
My three sisters and I were all close in age so my dad bought one bike. One. A used crappy, boys bike.
He told us when we each learned to ride it, he would buy us our very own bike. Which was great for my freakishly tall sisters, but I was the youngest...and the shortest. It took me a year to learn how to ride that damn bike. I had to hop along beside it and then jump on. I ate the sidewalk every day for months. But when I made it...there wasn't anything sweeter than that moment.
My new bike was pink, with a banana seat, and tassles that hung from my handle grips. I think this played a major part in the formulation of my personality. Thanks, Dad.
Yes, my dad did that. It was 1971 and I was five years old. And when I turned around and saw he was way back there and not holding on anymore, I fell over. Or at least the bike did.
But he said you see? You didn't need me.
Dear Keith Popely, it's not us, it's you. HEE HEE HEE
This made me smile, as did Lucy's trip down memory lane. That is all.
I have an Author-Friend for you to contact about what's going on in Arizona. He wrote a dystopic novel that was published last year, and I shudder to think it might be coming true.
The author is Raul Ramos-Sanchez. The book is America Libre.
I am AZ born and raised and have been amazed and astounded at the stupidity of our government. Evan Mecham anyone?
I feel much safer knowing that police will be busy checking people who aren't doing anything wrong to make sure they are legal- rather than protecting me from violent criminals.
I will have to hope if I am attacked some drunk at a bar with a concealed weapon will save me. (another recent crazy law here).
Yes! More info about yourself than publishing because it's fascinating to hear your stories.
Oddly, I don't remember learning to ride a bike. I know how to ride a bike and I guess I have vague memories of training wheels, but nothing specific. I do remember buying my first adult bike during my junior year in college. I hadn't ridden in probably ten years and I had them put it together at the store and then rode it home seven or eight miles across downtown Columbia, MO, through rush-hour traffic.
Sometimes I'm really amazed I'm not dead yet.
Dear Rejectionist, I will be happy to hear whatever you'd like to tell us about whenever you'd like to talk about it. :) And, when things like Arizona get me down, I find reading a column by Leonard Pitts always cheers me up for some reason.
I will admittedly miss less frequent reminders of things like paranormal romances starring the baby Jesus (oh, how it makes my own manuscripts look less train-wreckish on those days when I need it). Thank you, though, for the reminder that what I really, REALLY need to be doing is the whole BIC thing (come on, everyone read Nathan's blog last week...Butt In Chair).
I'm inspired! I will stop spending so much time surfing the Internet and spend more time clacking out my masterpiece!
Buoyant and optimistic is good...but I'm gonna miss that pirate porn just a smidge...
Good luck, Le R. Please still have a contest or two, just so I can laugh my face off from time to time ;)
Gasp! No internet? Oh, I think I just had a seizure.
Joking. I go a way for longer than eight hours and I have twenty emails asking if I'm okay. I agree, stepping away from the web is a wonderful idea. I turn it off if I want to get serious writing done, otherwise 'you've got mail' taunts me until I can't focus anymore and have to check it.
PS Thanks for the laugh too. I must remember that drinking coffee and reading your posts is a bad idea.
I would like to state for the record that I live in Arizona and I do not know one person that agrees with what the crazy woman who lucked into being our governor just did. NOBODY I know agrees with it at all.
The commercials all over the radio are full of John McCain and how he's going to build a big wall to protect us all because it's about time someone did. It's insane.
Really, there are plenty of people here who are just as astounded and outraged by the crazy shit going on as everybody else.
good luck getting that one past THE FUCKING CONSTITUTION WHICH LAST TIME WE CHECKED WAS STILL IN USE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
Just two words...Patriot Act.
Let's hope the constitution is held up better this time.
And thanks for all the terrific blog posts!
a. don't be crazy
b. don't write a stupid book
c. if you are crazy and/or write a stupid book it is extremely possible you will get a seven-figure book deal anyway.
That about sums up everything I've learned about publishing. You could've saved me so much time.
This is a late post 'cause we lost the internet here for ten days, and I'm still catching up, and yeah, it definitely is freeing being without the internet. Sort of like walking about without any underwear. And I do know someone who has a goat I can pet, and woods to walk in, and I haven't done either in ages, so thanks for the reminder.
Look...I didn't get to number 3. There was too much to read, BUT I got to number two and already I think this post should be broadcasted all over the internet.
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