1. While we were on vacation the state of Arizona lost its fucking mind. Arizona, you are so rejected. How about we pass a law that we are allowed to arrest someone on "reasonable suspicion" that THEY'RE AN ASSHAT. Hmm? HMMM? HOW DOES THAT SOUND TO YOU? Anyway, good luck getting that one past THE FUCKING CONSTITUTION WHICH LAST TIME WE CHECKED WAS STILL IN USE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
2. Oh yeah! The other thing we did on our vacation was NOT LOOK AT THE INTERNET. Not ONCE. Except to check our email, which sort of isn't looking at the internet, right? No publishing blogs! No goth-fashions blogs! No random vampire-fact googling! Author-friends, IT WAS AMAZING. It was LIBERATING. It made us feel NOT CRAZY! FILLED WITH HOPE! BUOYANT AND OPTIMISTIC! HEALTHY! As though perhaps a lot of what happens on the internet IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT! and merely DISTRACTS US FROM OUR PURPOSE! What did we do instead? Frolicked on beaches! Hiked in the woods! Petted baby goats! Played with doggies! Ate delicious snacks with persons beloved to us! Wrote in our little journal! Read cheesy fantasy novels! Had deep thoughts! Talked about how much we hate racism with our awesome friend Emiko! And so, on the heels of this transformative activity, we come to...
3. Realized we need to do other stuff besides blogging NO WE ARE NOT GOING AWAY ENTIRELY. We promise. But really, it is sort of like when you get the bicycle with the training wheels and your dad wants to take off the training wheels and you are all like NO DAD I CAN'T RIDE THE BICYCLE WITHOUT THE TRAINING WHEELS and then your dad is all like mm hmm and then takes them off and says he will hold the seat and then when you aren't looking he lets go and OMG LOOK AT THAT YOU DIDN'T NEED THE TRAINING WHEELS YOU ARE RIDING THE BICYCLE ALL BY YOUR OWN SELF.* All we are doing is telling you a bunch of times: a. don't be crazy b. don't write a stupid book c. if you are crazy and/or write a stupid book it is extremely possible you will get a seven-figure book deal anyway. You don't need us to tell you that, dear ones! You are so clever and brave on your own! We will still be here! After this week we will be here a little less, that's all. We will continue to make book reviews! and bad jokes! and Author-interviews! We might just write a little more about our self and our many interests, subjects we find vastly entertaining, and a little less about publishing, a subject that is rapidly losing any interest for us whatsoever and is anyway very well-covered by our many, far saner, more professional, and well-informed compatriots, who have much wisdom to offer you, and far less rabid foaming.** So don't roar your terrible Author-roars! and gnash your terrible Author-teeth! and roll your terrible Author-eyes!*** You KNOW you only read this blog to procrastinate and also so you can be like man, I might be getting rejected a lot, but AT LEAST I'M NOT THE NEW YORK CITY RESIDENT WHO MISSPELLED MANHATTAN SIX TIMES IN HIS QUERY LETTER or the person working on a PARANORMAL ROMANCE STARRING THE BABY JESUS. You can now think of the Rejectionist toiling quietly alongside you, amassing HER OWN collection of rejection letters (we already have a bunch, does that make you feel better?). Okay? OKAY.
4. We would also like to state for the record that last night we went running AND SAW SNOOP DOGG AND HIS ENTOURAGE ENTERING BROOKLYN BOWL (??). Yep, really.
*When our dad did this (almost everybody's dad does this, right?) we totally fell down, but we are very clumsy. Anyway, you get the point.
**It's true our outfits are probably more amazing.
***Did you know that book was originally supposed to be about horses, but got changed to wild things because Maurice Sendak couldn't draw a horse? How's THAT for a lesson about revision, hmm?