Stuff We Did On Our Vacation, Part One; Or, A Pictorial Essay on Vampire Habitats

So! We missed you! Did you miss us? NO YOU DIDN'T. YOU MISSED HAVING ONE MORE BLOG TO READ SO AS TO PROCRASTINATE YOUR NOVEL THAT TEENSY BIT LONGER DON'T LIE WE SEE RIGHT INTO YOUR LITTLE AUTHOR-BRAINS WITH OUR REJECTIONIST LASER VISION. We are SO ONTO YOUR SCAM. Mmm hmm. Anyway! Guess what we did on our vacation? WE WENT TO FORKS. NO REALLY. Because, you know, we were in the neighborhood, and le R. Père was a good sport and indulged us, especially when we told him it was for the Author-friends.

You have to be careful when picnicking at La Push or werewolfs will steal your roast-beef sandwich! Luckily we avoided this disaster, although le R. Père did insist on feeding potato chips to a temerarious chipmunk, over our objections.

Here we are with le R. Père at lovely Lake Crescent! That's our favorite Slayer shirt and by Slayer we mean AS IN BUFFY, which is probably why we were not approached by VAMPIRES, because they were all like OH SHIT THE REJECTIONIST BROUGHT IT AND WE DON'T FUCK WITH THE ASSISTANT WHO CLEARLY BROOKS NO SPARKLE:

Here's a deer! We didn't eat it.

We're not sure what angle they used while filming Twilight, because this is what Forks looks like in real life. All four blocks of it:

Here's some Twilight firewood, for all your camping needs (the other side of the sign reads "Burn to keep away nasty vampires"):

Even vampires have to update their Facebooks!

Someone in Forks has a sense of humor:

Every business in Forks, from the lone gas station to the feed store, has capitalized on Twilight mania by putting up movie posters and promoting itself as Forks's premier purveyor of best-priced Twilight merchandise, but "Bedazzled by Twilight" totally wins all contests, hands down. The interior of the store is made up like a primeval vampire-forest, lit only by clumps of christmas lights dangling from the ceiling, which is painted to resemble a starry TWILIT sky. You know. THE SKY AT TWILIGHT. GET IT? A lush green grasslike shag carpet covers the floor! Papier-mâché trees loom in the dim glow!

Here are life-sized Bella and Edward, ensconced in their gazebo (is this from a part of the movie we didn't watch? Someone please illuminate us):

Here is wolfmorsel Jacob, silhouetted against a La Push sunset, with his REAL MOTORBIKE:

We were all set to interrogate the young gentleman at the cash register but he looked so utterly, profoundly dejected in his stiff New Moon sweatshirt that we left him alone. We also spotted a SUSPICIOUSLY PALE young lady applying for employment, but she MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED before we could accost her! Shortly afterward we caught sight of an "Edward can beat me up and tie me to the bedframe anytime" bumper sticker, became extremely agitated, and had to leave the store.

MORE ABOUT OUR THRILLING VACATION TOMORROW, DEAR CREATURES!