You know what we love about HEAVY METAL? Well! Lots of things! Weird outfits! Shenanigans! Loud noises! Thrashing around maniacally! Repetitive power chords! Yelling! When you are stomping down the streets of Brooklyn in a high dudgeon and suddenly hear the opening chords of "Paradise City" and realize they are coming from a Hummer being driven by an elderly Polish gentleman and you make a little "rock on" sign at him and he makes one back and then the rest of your day is really excellent! Stuff like that! So what if you could take that feeling and make a WHOLE WEEK OUT OF IT? WE DID!
Oh yes, dear ones, it's HEAVY METAL WEEK! In honor of HEAVY METAL WEEK: heavy metal interviews! heavy metal guest posts! HEAVY METAL CONTESTS!!!!!!! ARE YOU READY? READY TO ROCK?
YOUR SUPER THRASHING CONTEST MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT:
Your task is to compose The Most Shredding Form Rejection in the History of the Universe. Your heavy metal rejection special shall be a COVER of a HEAVY METAL SONG. Remember that day when we were listening to a lot of Bon Jovi and everyone practiced this activity a little bit in the comments? Like that, except with a whole song. You can rewrite all of the words, replace a few choice phrases--up to you. You may send us lyrics, submit a video of yourself (CLOTHED) covering the song--whatever. Just make it shred, make it reject, and make it fucking righteous.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
1. Our tour van will have a Jacuzzi filled with Evian and we want CAVIAR BACKSTAGE AT ALL TIMES.
2. What counts as Heavy Metal for the purposes of this contest: we will leave this largely up to you. Though legitimate metal aficionados everywhere doubtless weep and groan when we use "Bon Jovi," "Poison," and "heavy metal" in the same sentence, hair metal bands are absolutely in. Yes? Yes. Journey is not metal. Don't even ask us if Limp Bizkit counts or we will hunt you down and make sure you never write anything again ever.
3. If any of our 17 Norwegian readers (Heisann, Opphavsmann-venns!) wanted to use a black metal song and enter in Norwegian we would probably invent a special prize just for that person. No impaled animal heads, please, we are deep down kind of softhearted.
4. Your Most Shredding Form Rejection must be posted in the comments of THIS POST by EIGHT P.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME ON FRIDAY MARCH 12th. The WINNER and there will be ONLY ONE WINNER shall be announced MONDAY MARCH 15. Because the Ides of March are totally metal.
5. You may only enter one Shredding Form Rejection.
6. Please let us know which Heavy Metal Song you are covering. We are very clever, but not psychic.
7. Please also keep in mind that we are, you know, kind of leftist. So, as much as we love Guns 'N Roses, maybe you don't want to cover One in a Million for our contest. Also, Cannibal Corpse covers are probably not a good idea. Dead ladies=not okay. You don't like it, take yourself to a GWAR show, babies!
8. We will absolutely accept bribes in the form of pre-1995 Bon Jovi or Metallica tour shirts.
1. Knowledge that you are like the most righteous force in the universe ever and all your enemies shall bow down before you.
2. A book which we shall select for you at random from our exhaustive library of titles
filched from "Steve's" collection of books sent to him by editors.
3. A comprehensive critique of either your query letter or the first five pages of your manuscript by our person. WHICH WILL NOT WE REPEAT NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RESULT IN THESE ITEMS BEING VIEWED BY A LEGITIMATE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL I.E. "STEVE" NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE BECAUSE WE ARE ANONYMOUS. ANONYMOUS. ANONYMOUS.
Okay! Ready? GO! FRIDAY! EIGHT P.M.! MAKE US HAPPY! MAKE IT SHRED! MAKE IT MELT OUR FACE! GET READY FOR HEAVY METAL WEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!