HEAVY METAL WEEK!!! HEAVY METAL REJECTION CONTEST!!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
You know what we love about HEAVY METAL? Well! Lots of things! Weird outfits! Shenanigans! Loud noises! Thrashing around maniacally! Repetitive power chords! Yelling! When you are stomping down the streets of Brooklyn in a high dudgeon and suddenly hear the opening chords of "Paradise City" and realize they are coming from a Hummer being driven by an elderly Polish gentleman and you make a little "rock on" sign at him and he makes one back and then the rest of your day is really excellent! Stuff like that! So what if you could take that feeling and make a WHOLE WEEK OUT OF IT? WE DID!
Oh yes, dear ones, it's HEAVY METAL WEEK! In honor of HEAVY METAL WEEK: heavy metal interviews! heavy metal guest posts! HEAVY METAL CONTESTS!!!!!!! ARE YOU READY? READY TO ROCK?
YOUR SUPER THRASHING CONTEST MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT:
Your task is to compose The Most Shredding Form Rejection in the History of the Universe. Your heavy metal rejection special shall be a COVER of a HEAVY METAL SONG. Remember that day when we were listening to a lot of Bon Jovi and everyone practiced this activity a little bit in the comments? Like that, except with a whole song. You can rewrite all of the words, replace a few choice phrases--up to you. You may send us lyrics, submit a video of yourself (CLOTHED) covering the song--whatever. Just make it shred, make it reject, and make it fucking righteous.
RULES AND REGULATIONS:
1. Our tour van will have a Jacuzzi filled with Evian and we want CAVIAR BACKSTAGE AT ALL TIMES.
2. What counts as Heavy Metal for the purposes of this contest: we will leave this largely up to you. Though legitimate metal aficionados everywhere doubtless weep and groan when we use "Bon Jovi," "Poison," and "heavy metal" in the same sentence, hair metal bands are absolutely in. Yes? Yes. Journey is not metal. Don't even ask us if Limp Bizkit counts or we will hunt you down and make sure you never write anything again ever.
3. If any of our 17 Norwegian readers (Heisann, Opphavsmann-venns!) wanted to use a black metal song and enter in Norwegian we would probably invent a special prize just for that person. No impaled animal heads, please, we are deep down kind of softhearted.
4. Your Most Shredding Form Rejection must be posted in the comments of THIS POST by EIGHT P.M. EASTERN STANDARD TIME ON FRIDAY MARCH 12th. The WINNER and there will be ONLY ONE WINNER shall be announced MONDAY MARCH 15. Because the Ides of March are totally metal.
5. You may only enter one Shredding Form Rejection.
6. Please let us know which Heavy Metal Song you are covering. We are very clever, but not psychic.
7. Please also keep in mind that we are, you know, kind of leftist. So, as much as we love Guns 'N Roses, maybe you don't want to cover One in a Million for our contest. Also, Cannibal Corpse covers are probably not a good idea. Dead ladies=not okay. You don't like it, take yourself to a GWAR show, babies!
8. We will absolutely accept bribes in the form of pre-1995 Bon Jovi or Metallica tour shirts.
THE PRIZES:
1. Knowledge that you are like the most righteous force in the universe ever and all your enemies shall bow down before you.
2. A book which we shall select for you at random from our exhaustive library of titles filched from "Steve's" collection of books sent to him by editors.
3. A comprehensive critique of either your query letter or the first five pages of your manuscript by our person. WHICH WILL NOT WE REPEAT NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RESULT IN THESE ITEMS BEING VIEWED BY A LEGITIMATE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY PROFESSIONAL I.E. "STEVE" NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE BECAUSE WE ARE ANONYMOUS. ANONYMOUS. ANONYMOUS.
Okay! Ready? GO! FRIDAY! EIGHT P.M.! MAKE US HAPPY! MAKE IT SHRED! MAKE IT MELT OUR FACE! GET READY FOR HEAVY METAL WEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!
Posts
METAL! Inward screaming all the way to the BANK! Rejection served with a side of decapitated bat!
Maybe I'll hit up Party City after work and pick up a Slash costume to put me in the mood!
Awesome contest... can't wait to see all the entries!
Damn. So, no Amy Grant? Since you're leftist and all? 'Cause you know she shreds.
Motley Crue came through the civic center I used to work at during their Generation Swine Tour. I didn't believe wraiths were real until I saw Mick Mars in person. That dude hasn't seen the sun in 187 years.
Running a spotlight for Willie Nelson was the easiest concert I ever worked. Willie either sits on a stool or stands at the mic. Not a whole lotta thrashin' to keep up with there.
To the tune of AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"...
She queried fast and clean
A plot high concept, mean
Then sent the worst damn manuscript I’ve ever seen.
It had undotted i’s
The narrator lies
At a million plus words it was of epic size
How could I ever care
She took twelve chapters in there
To tell me about
Her dumb antagonist’s hair
And now this God-forsaken
Book is makin’
My mind start achin’
It’s a reject, no fakin’ for you…
Your book is gone, gone, gone
I ripped the pages in two
Your book is gone, gone, gone
I’m takin’ no more time
A form rejection’s fine
I can say in one line
All that is on my mind
Your writing’s a lost cause
That sound is not applause
You can hear my feet stomp your book on the floor
My head is spinning ‘round
My lunch is on the ground
I probably won’t read a thing until next fuckin’ spring
Because your God-forsaken
Book is makin’
My mind start achin’
It’s a reject, no fakin’ for you…
Your book is gone, gone, gone
I ripped the pages in two
Your book is gone, gone, gone…
omg that was awesome!!!
No fair. Rick's an actual musician.
I have the equipment to record it, but not for a video. I'll do it this week if I have time.
And, just to be clear, "I ripped the pages in two" constitutes shredding.
Rick sets the bar high, early!
Never trust a man who wears sunglasses in the pool...
To the tune of "We're Not Gonna Take it" by Twisted Sister:
Oh, we’re not gonna rep it
No, we ain’t gonna rep it
Oh, we’re not gonna rep this, move along
Ain’t gonna ask to see it
And no, we can’t critique it
Buh bye farewell, please move along
Don’t fight this form rejection
We’re looking for perfection
Subjective yeah, we could be wrong
But we’re not gonna rep it
No, we ain’t gonna rep it
Oh we’re not gonna rep this, move along
Yes, it sounds condescending
But this slushpile’s neverending
We don’t want no manuscripts from you
Your query’s tight and clean, but
Boring and not our thing, so
If that’s your best, your best won’t do
Oh, Oh
You write (yeah!)
But we (yeah!)
Don’t like (yeah!)
Won’t read (yeah!)
So we’re not gonna rep it
No, we ain’t gonna rep it
Oh we’re not gonna rep this, move along
The first song that popped into my head was L7's "Sh*tlist". But then I realized it's already the perfect rejection letter without any lyrical messing around needed.
(And if you haven't heard L7 -- for shame! -- google them now. These women RAWK!).
I saw Vixen in concert. Jealous much?
Oh, I am so embarrassed - here I am in the same outfit as the wom... man... person in the center of that photo.
I cannot tell you how much this competition appeals to me, on so many levels.
(To the tune of "Run To The Hills" by Iron Maiden)
Writing from across the sea
You brought me pain and misery
You killed my faith in books to read
You took my time for your own need
I read it hard, I read it well
Your manuscript, it showed me hell
You shouldn't come with this query
Oh will I ever be set free?
Snap up your quills, run for your lives
Snap up your quills, run for your lives....
PS. I wish you well in your continuing search for representation. All the best, Steve Harris x
So the Norwegians can't do this in Norwegian... but howabout us Finns - do you accept entries either in Finnish or Swedish (Finland is bi-lingual country in case you didn't know)? There is a very active heavy-metal scene in Finland.
And btw, what if a Finn lives in Denmark... can he use Danish? :-p
I'm shocked at how many of these lyrics didn't even need to be modified.
Otep: "Buried Alive" (Adapted)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbwRB3GgdBY
I read your verses, prophecies, and curses [x2]
I hate my life
No miracle is coming (hate you)
It’s just awful (hate you)
Nothing’s wrong with you (hate you)
It’s not right for me (hate you)
Please stop asking questions
Don’t resubmit
Try another agency
Fucking go away
I hate my life [x8]
I read your verses, prophecies, and curses
This slush pile is growing (hate you)
There’s no end in sight (hate you)
Anger grinds my jaw (hate you)
Your manuscript’s in the shredder (hate you)
I’m in the mouth of madness
Reading another query
I tried to read your drivel
Now your words are crushing me
I hate my life [x6]
Buried alive beneath amateur lines
I hope this wastes your time like you wasted mine
Hate
Buried alive beneath amateur lines (buried alive, buried alive) [x3]
Your work wasted all my time
Shredding Form Rejection Entry ~ Until It Sleeps by Metallica
Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but your query stays by my side
So I tear it open, pour it out
The queries I’ve read they scream and shout
And the words still haunt me
So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray
You read it once and now it stays
Now it stays
So tear me open but beware
There’s queries inside without a care
And the words still stain me
So wash me until I'm clean
They grip you, so hold me
They stain you, so hold me
They hate you, so hold me
They haunt you, so hold me
Until it sleeps
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don’t want your vampires, don’t want your greed
Don't want it
I'll tear me open, make you gone
No more can your query hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
They grip you, so hold me
They stain you, so hold me
They hate you, so hold me
They haunt you, haunt you, haunt you until it sleeps
I don't want it, want it, want it, want it, want it...No
So tear me open but beware
There’s queries inside without a care
And the words still stain me
So was1h me 'til I'm clean
I’ll shred your query, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Dude, Rockin' Ricky burned this motha down!
(This contest makes me happy.)
To Alice Cooper's "Desperado"
I'm a agent
And I'm a rejectionist
But you knew that
When you sent me your manuscript
I'm a studier
Of ugly stories
I'm a killer
And I'm a harborer of your publishing dreams
Step into the street by sundown
Step into your last goodbye
You're a target just by writing
My observations will make you die
I read the backstory in the first chapter
And I read the plot holes as big as the Mariana Trench
At the waffly ending my hands are lightning upon my red pen
My comments are clean
And my, my comments are final
My comments are deadly
And when it's done
Your manuscript is as stiff as my smoking pen barrel
Your manuscript is as dead as a desert night
You're a notch
And I'm a legend
Your manuscript is at peace
And I must hide
Tell me where the hell I'm going
Let my bones fall in the dust
Can't you hear that ghost that's calling
As my red pen begins to rust
In the dust
I'm a agent
I'm a killer
I'm a rejectionist
That's gone to town
***
But this is just one person's opinion. There are others who might feel differently about your story.
Best regards,
Dear PT, YES. OMG, YES.
To the Tune of (18 And Life) by Skid Row
Ricky was a young Poe
He had a pen of stone
Wrote 9 to 5 and typed
His fingers to the bone
Just barely out of crit group
Thought he’s the next Steve King
Made love to his adverbs
Could make a typo sing
He had no talent, ooh
Sitting by the phone
He checked his email daily
But nothin’ ever shone
And now it's...
Chorus:
You want defeat you got it
You writing stinks I know
Your crime is words and it's
Time for you to go
Revenge in his heartbeat
He’ll make the agents scream
Re-queried ten more times
And he never kept it clean
They say he loved Fitzgerald
Ricky's the writing one
He married MS Word
And gave up all his fun
Bang, bang! Stack ‘em up
the rejection never ends
You can't think of stoppin’
When the adverbs your best friend
And now it's...
(Chorus)
"Agents don’t’ know shit"
They all heard Ricky say
He threw his MS to the wind
That agent blew a writer away
(solo)
(Chorus)
Hey Rejectionist, I just found the blog a couple weeks ago and this has just completely cemented your awesomeness!!!! LALso, I love all the entries so far!! Will add mine later. :)
Also - if you replace "Battery" or "the Battery" with "Rejectionist," I think we've found your theme song. (by Metallica)
Because you NEED Strapping Young Lad in ANYTHING that mentions the word "metal":
I wonder why
Need you to try
And on the way,
...reeling...
...feeling...
BURN!
I've seen your shine
It seems divine
But by the way...
...you're clouded...
I'M CLOUDED???
AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Don't send me SHIT!
Don't you send ME fucking SHIT!
BORING, YOU'RE BORING BORING YOU'RE BORING, YOU'RE BORING, YOU'RE BORING, YOU'RE BORING, YOU'RE BORING ME INTO MYSELF!
SHINE ON, SHINE ON, SHINE ON...
I wonder why
Need you to try
But by the way
YOU'RE CLOUDED...
WE'RE ALL CLOUDED BOY!!!
Yup there was pretty much only two words I needed to change in there.
Listen along to the song for Maximum Awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXjCZqmO14k
:)
To the tune of Metallica's 'One'
I can't understand anything
Can't tell if it's a cracked out dream
Cover my mouth so I don't scream,
"why the fuck'd you query me?"
The plot's a mess, we all agree
Was this some sort of novelty?
POV shift just grates on me
Nothing in this works anyhow
Grabbed the scotch, called for intern Beth
Oh, please don't query me
Backed up email's way too real
In pops the meds in form of pill
But can't click the mouse to reveal
The fucked up query you had to give
Your grammar really makes me see
You never graduated to grade three
In school, you failed every spelling bee
Don't send this crap to me
Grabbed the scotch, called for intern Beth
Oh, please don't query me
Query's imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
You can't spell 'live'
Adverbs must die
Trapped with this thing
No return email
Query's baffled my mind
Taken my speech
Taken my patience
Taken my charm
Cluttered my desk
Broken my soul
Burn this query from he…..ell
I could protect you
But I reject you
Hear my evil laugh
Bwa - ha - ha - ha!
I eat poison pens
and clear the room
of writers in their dens
of darkest evil gloom
I could protect you
but I reject you
Projectile vomit
on your sonnet
Hear my evil laugh
Bwa - ha - ha - ha!
You are a writer-freak
from the slushpile to the graveyard
There is nothing here to tweak
oops I dropped a glob of mustard
I could protect you
but I reject you
Hear my evil laugh
Bwa - ha - ha - ha!
Die writer die
you were a fool to try
go to the toidee
jump on in
you’re getting flushed
no need to swim
I do not care
how much you grovel
I will never
touch your novel
It sucks, it sucks
and cannot be exhumed
A dead, dead duck
This writer doomed
I could protect you
but I reject you
Hear my evil laugh
Bwa - ha - ha - ha!
I could protect you
but I reject you
Hear my evil laugh
Bwa - ha - ha - ha!
Shred! Shred! Shred!!!!
@Sean Patrick Reardon: you rock! Your lyrics are seriously too good. I'm gonna be humming that song all day now, only with new lyrics in mind, LOL!
Le R, you have saved me $40!
I was thinking--just minutes ago! That I needed a haircut. Surely when one's nostrils are being tickled, one is due for a trimming, yes?
But then I saw the photo of those three upstanding lads and realized that no--my hair does not need shortening, it needs ELEVATION.
I am back-combing it to full glory as we speak.
Oh this is far too much fun! Okay, here's mine:
Don't Query Me (to the tune of Don't Tread on Me by Metallica)
Don’t query me
Said don’t query me
Glittering vampires, such a harrowing tale
that you have written, and you want me to sell
never began it, not even the first page
not a contender, though fangs are all the rage
Said don’t query me
So hear me
query no more
to secure me don’t be such a bore
So hear me
query no more
Send it again and these words you will hear evermore
Don’t query me
I don’t understand it, what made you think you could write?
quick is my red pen, rejecting all through the night
open with a dream, how could you be so dense?
you don’t even seem to get, how to use perfect tense
Don’t query me
So hear me
query no more
your book belongs in a drawer
So hear me
query no more
Send it again and these words you will hear evermore
Don't query me
So hear me
query no more
your fetid prose, I truly abhor
Try adding zombies, to your harrowing tale
And if you do this, you can send an email
So hear me
query no more
to secure me don’t be such a bore
So hear me
query no more
Send it again and these words you will hear evermore
Don't query me
To the tune of Cherry by Warrant
Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Query...
Kiss this query bye
Read two lines
Wanna gouge my eyes
It’s so bad
Makes a grown man cry
Kiss this query bye
Well, shreddin’ on the front porch
Shreddin' on the lawn
Shreddin' where we want
Cause your query’s gone
Shreddin' to the left
And shreddin' to the right
Your lack of talent
Makes me shred all night
Shreddin' in the living room
Shreddin' in the kitchen
Your crappy query
Is not so bitchin'
Shreddin' in there
Machine wants some more
Lots of paper
Covers my floor
I scream, you scream
We all scream when we read it
Don't ever try
To over feed it
Chorus:
Kiss this query bye
Read two lines
Wanna gouge my eyes
It’s so bad
Makes a grown man cry
Kiss this query bye
Ugh - Cherry Pie!
Has no one done GNR's "Welcome to the Slushpile" yet? SOMEONE HAS TO DO THAT ONE.
To the tune of "Beyond the Realms of Death" by Judas Priest:
BEHIND THE REAMS OF PULP
I’ve had enough!
I can’t take anymore.
I’ve clawed out my eyes,
And spilled my mind on the floor.
No matter how I try
I cannot comprehend
Your plot or lack of.
Oh why’d you hit SEND?
CHORUS:
Yeah! I’ll turn your eyes redder
Grate your self-esteem to cheddar
I'm free to shred! You will find This is my life, my shredding knife,
I'll decide not you
I know you sat there
Mommy’s tuition to waste.
No rhyme or reason,
Just cut and purple paste.
Fuck spellcheck, you sent it
Filled with so much pride
Now it sits here…filleted.
You’ll wish you had died.
CHORUS REPEAT
BRIDGE
Keep believin’ you’re the next Stephen King
Go ahead, send another one in.
Daydreamin’ to you is not a sin
It can take forever, and ever, and ever
Whenever, but I still win.
How many queries are there,
Out there still,
That to us suck?
We’ve seen our fill.
Thousands are waiting
Pre-Shredded, pre-tossed.
Yours just might make it when
Hell’s white with frost
SOLO
...behind the reams of pulp
scorpions - rock you like a hurricane (oh yes)
it's just mid-morning
the coffee's out
the weather's
windy
and pretty cold
the sky is threatening
and looks like
snow
so what is wrong with
ANOTHER NO?
Steve is worried
he needs to ask
what's up with our
drop-crotch and cowboy boots
It's not medication
it's how we roll
and it's
TIME FOR A SHOW
here we are
sock you with another no
here we are
sock you with another no
our heads is spinning
it starts to pound
there's no good queries
to be found
we thinks up fiances
and wedding bands
just 'long as it's not cretinous
VAN POOPYPANTS
the night is calling
we want to leave
but we can't let the slush
pile up on steve
we're tired of frat boys
with their shitty queries
full of big busted
bimbos and
FUCKING ENNUI
here we are
sock you with another no
(are you serious Kerouac?)
here we are
sock you with another no
(c'mon c'mon c'mon)
here we are
sock you with another no
(absurdly long echoing guitar solo)
it's early evening
the moon is out
we's really tired
and sick of slush
all's we want
is a little color
there's hardly any
so what's
WRONG WITH MORE?
the night is calling
we're finally free
we hop on the subway
everyone's talking
'bout their
W.I.Ps
we can't stop thinkin'
our life is
QUERIES
here we are
sock you with another no
here we are
sock you with another nioooooo
here we are
sock you with another no
(c'mon.c'mon.c'mon.c'mon)
HERE WE ARE!
Michael Moorcock wrote a song for Blue Oyster Cult back in the day. I'm not sure that BOC is as heavy as metal needs to be, but this song appeared in the movie "Heavy Metal," which otta count for something. It's "Veteran of the Psychic Wars":
You see me now a veteran of a thousand query wars
I've been reading through the slush so long
That your pitch just makes me snore
And it's good enough to look at
But way too dull to read
All the characters are cardboard
I'm not sure if there's anything left to say
Don't query us again
It's time we had a break from you
It's time you learned to write
We've been reading all your dross
It's been annoying our boss
Oh please don't query us again
You ask me why I'm weary, why I can respond to you
You blame me for your failure
Say it's time I grew a few
But your manuscript is aimless
And there's no plot I can find
And I can't say if it's ever...
I can say that it's never gonna see "Steve"
Don't query us again
It's time you had a wake-up call
It's rejection you'll receive
We've junk-foldered all your spam
All your notes addressed to "Ma'am"
Oh please don't query us again
You see me now a veteran of a thousand query wars
My energy is spent at last
And my patience is destroyed
You've used up all my kindness and it's worse than you believe
Spite is all I'm made of
Did I hear you say this is volume forty-three?
Don't query us again
It's time you got a real job
Get me out of here
Where the unread piles swell
And I drown in backlog Hell
Oh please don't query us again
Don't query us again
Don't query us again
*Note: As a previous winner, I withdraw myself from consideration for this contest. However, I couldn't resist posting an entry because this it's fun.
A FEW times i have backed out of such challenges. but not this time, baby! i may have been born after most cover-eligible songs were made, but, oh, i'll be back.
Song: Close my Eyes Forever by Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne
The role of Lita Ford shall be played by Le R.
The role of Ozzy Osbourne shall be played by "Steve."
(Le R.)
Steve-ey, I get so scared inside and I don't really understand
Is it prose that's on my screen or is it cacphony?
("Steve")
The razor is in the palm of my hand, I don't know how else to cope
What am I supposed to do with so many crappy hooks?
If I close queries forever
Will the e-mails ever end?
If I close queries forever
Will my drinking problem wane?
Sometimes it's hard to hold on
So hard to hold on to my dreams.
I can't concentrate on themes
When they all "Dear Agent" me!
(Le R.)
You're like a warrior.
You stick authors in the heart
And taste the blood from their veins.
You cannot sleep, or the writers would
Think their vampire books okay!
If you close queries forever
Will the rotten still hit send?
If you close queries forever
Will my Markers Mark remain?
(Le R.)
Will you read synopses?
("Steve")
No, I just can't stand the pain...
(Le R.)
But will you read the chapters?
("Steve")
No, it might just main my brain.
Ooooooooooohh!
(Le R.)
I know it's been so hard on you.
The slush pile you despise.
If I could have just one more wish.
I'd give you a Pulitzer Prize.
If you close queries forever
Will your broken spirit mend?
If you close queries forever
Will my Markers Mark remain?
("Steve")
Close queries
Close queries
You gotta close queries..... for me.
Ack! Change "Markers Mark" to "Makers Mark." Typo - I swear I do know my booze!
I hereby present the form rejection version of Monster Magnet's Space Lord. (Link takes you to original lyrics and a link to hear the song.)
I've been stuffin' these SASEs for the last hundred days
When you call "Steve" directly, he takes it out on the slaves
So get ready, baby, for the force of my will
Polish them queries now, and swallow those pills
And sing... ohhhhh... here's your form rejection
Huh, uh-huh.
There's a huge stack of partials in a column of flame
With so many agents, you think one bears your name
You've been reading my blog but I've been reading your Tweets
Your characters suck and your attitude reeks
You'll sing... ohhhhh... screw your form rejection
[Chorus:]
You left the plot a million miles away
I drink Maker's Mark
I read your shit every day
Now give me the strength
To tear your hopes in two
I rejected the rest and now I'm rejecting you
Well I sing...
Writing my nightmares and using my name
You think this book's good and that's just a damn shame
I've tried to be subtle but I'm drowning in slush
Your terrible writing turned me into a lush
I sing ohhhhh... here's your form rejection
Chorus
Well I sing... ohhhhh... here's your form rejection
Ohhhhh... here's your form rejection (x4)
I lost my soul when you sent me this wreck
Publishing called me to help sort through this dreck
The time has come for me to end this game
Now open wide and say my name
Ohhhhh... I'm your form rejection (x12)
Okay...here's Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name", although I am still laughing so freaking hard from reading Lucy's entry that I might not be able to properly copy and paste... ;)
"You Give Books a Bad Name"
Your query sucks, and you're to blame
Precious, you give books...a bad name
A rambling tome is what you sell
You promise me plotlines, then put me through hell
Your pirate porn's got a hold on me
And even worse, you mailed priority
Oh! It cannot be undone, yeah
Oh! But I try to run
To block out your query
An audit's more fun
Where is my drink? I've got to flame!
You give books a bad name
My blog has advice, yet you remain inane
You give books a bad name
Your query sucks, and you're to blame
You give books a bad name
(no shame!)
I'd reject you twice, but you'd still remain
You give books a bad name
(a bad name)
The synopsis alone...made me insane
You send me shit in fluorescent ink
Vampires and bimbos 'till I just can't think
Your hook's nonexistent did you even try?
Mad scientists, porn stars, I really don't lie
Whoa! Undead zombies are out
Whoa! DO I HAVE TO SHOUT?!
Shread it or burn it,
The damage is done
Your query sucks, and you're to blame
You give books a bad name
(bad name)
Your Swiss-cheese-like plot, it is so lame
Your book's giving me...a migraine
Oh, you give books...hisssssss!
Oh! Love-lost Navy SEALS, they are my bane
You give books a bad name
Without a drinksie, I would be insane
This feeling I have, it won't wane
So please take your book, and to it, set flame
You give books a bad name
Your query's for crap
I can't be more plain
You give books a bad name
(it's so lame)
Oh, you give books...a bad name
By the VAMPIRE INFANT
(To the tune of, um, any Death Metal song)
Gaaaaaaaahhh! Gaah!
Gaaaahhh! Gaaahhh! Gaaaah!
Gah!
Gah!
Gaaaahhhhhh!
Gahgahgahgahgahgah!
GAAAAAAAA!
Gaaahh!
Gaaahh!
Gaaahhhhhh! Gaaaaaahhhhhh! Gaaaahhhhhh!
Query Bad!
Gah! Gah!
Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
GAH!
Oy. I am such a fail at life. "MAIM my brain." Just add my typo-ridden mess above to the slush pile. Ugh.
Or shall I emulate VAMPIRE INFANT and say GGGggaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Kimberly Kincaid and Lucy get my vote!
Video entry:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibDAybgvsqQ
This is set to the tune of Iron Maiden’s “Hallowed Be Thy Name.” Although the Cradle of Filth version would also work excellently.
I’m scrolling through my inbox; unanswered, so many still
Delete button so tempting, yet I’ve got time to kill
‘Cause at 5 o’clock they’ll send me some new galleys, yo
My patience for this task is running low
Running looooooow....OHHHHHH!
When I got to your query—so awful!
A second look—could it be that abysmal?
It’s the plot that has gone very wrong for me
Can it be that there’s some sort of error?
Has this piece been through an editor?
Is this really your pitch or some crazy scheme?
Somebody please tell me that I’m dreaming
It’s not easy to stop from screaming
But those sentence constructs just make me weep
Tears fall, but why am I crying?
After all, it’s not MY dream that’s dying
For me, at least, this tragic misstep can end
And so I open my reply message
Trying to cling to some minute vestige
Of grammatical standards gone sailing by
As I type, the indignation hits me
And though the words are harsh, I’m not sorry
Listen close, you should hear what I have to say
Mark my words, this trash isn’t saleable
My God, it’s not even readable
I’ve gone too far? Well, it’s the truth
When you see this criticism first hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Your talent is just a fool’s delusion
Yeeeah Yeeeah Yeeeah...Failure Be Thy Name
Yeeeah Yeeeah YeeeAH...Failure Be Thy Name
p.s. love CKHB, maybe cuz I'm partial to MM.
Thanks LeR - this is great fun!
To AC/DC's "Big Balls"
Well I'm upper publishing high society
God's gift to writing notoriety
And you always fill my inbox
The queries never small
Your written pages say you've got
No talent at all
You've got big balls
You've got big balls
To send me this crap
Like you've got it on tap
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But you've got the biggest balls of them all)
And your writing's always shitty
My trash is always full
And everybody sends and sends again
If your name is in my inbox
No one deletes you quicker
Everybody knows I'll just
Snicker and snicker
You've got big balls
You've got big balls
To send me this crap
Like you've got it on tap
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But you've got the biggest balls of them all)
Some queries I read for charity
And some out of pure duress
But when they're read for pleasure
They're the queries that I like best
Your plot is always bouncing
To the left and to the right
It's my belief that shit you write
Should be shredded every night
You've got big balls
You've got big balls
You've got big balls
Dirty big balls
He's got big balls
She's got big balls
(But you've got the biggest balls of them all)
Lola, I see you got my bribe :) I sprinkled the same bribe with Evian, smeared it with caviar and wrapped it in a Slayer t-shirt, circa 1994, for Le R. You think she got it? ;)
I am having tremendous fun reading these! And Ink, I hate to tell you...it sounds like one day your vampire infant is going to turn into someone frighteningly like my overlord toddler. It's a scary place, man. Very. Scary.
Lol, Kimberly. But I must say that there are older VAMPIRE INFANTS. They wake me up every day at FIVE IN THE MORNING with their little teeth gleaming.
Hey RJ,
Great Idea for a competition.
The first song that came to mind was Schools Out by Alice Cooper. So here is my version, Ruled Out.
Ruled Out
Well you got no choice
All you would-be Tolstoys
Fakin’ all that poise
When your dreams are destroyed
You cluster together
On random blogs
And you keep coming back
Like mistreated dogs
Ruled Out, take a number
Ruled Out, wish you luck
Ruled Out, your book sucks!
No more queries
No more requests
I won’t lie, give it a rest
You ain’t got no chance
Haven’t even got a dream
Cos your writing is so dire
And I don’t see no vampires
Ruled Out, it’s a bummer
Ruled Out, by form letter
Ruled Out, or simply ignored
No more misspells
No more drab sentences
No more latching on at conferences
Wait a minute
I don’t do the work
I just hand it off to the office jerks
I love being an agent
I love this book game
It would really be a ball
If we didn’t need writers at all
In response to CKHB...
Welcome to the Jungle...
Welcome to the madness
We got piles n piles
We got dreams and words you want
Honey we know the score
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need
If you got the query honey
We got your replies
IM the agent
Welcome to the agent
Watch me bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees
I wanna watch you cry
Welcome to the queries
We take them one by one
If you want it you’ve gotta play
But it's the price you pay
And you're one in a million
That's very hard to read
You can taste the rejection
But you won't get a reply
In the shredder
Welcome to the shredder
Feel my, my, overused themes
I, I wanna hear your screams
Welcome to the queries
It gets worse here everyday
Ya learn ta live like an animal
In the books n piles we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You'll give up eventually
You can have anything you want
But you will not get it from me
Im the agent
Welcome to the agent
Watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees
I wanna watch you read
And when you're high you never
Ever want to come down, so down, so down, so down YEAH!
You know where you are
You're in the shush pile baby
You're gonna die
In the shredder
Welcome to the shredder
Watch it bring you to your shu n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,n,,n,n,,n,n,,n knees, knees
In the shredder
Welcome to the pile
Feel my, my, horrendous scemes
yeah..I know, that totally sucked..eh well..
Sugar, thank you!!! I'm going to sing "you know where you are? you're in the SLUSH PILE, baby!" the very next time that song plays.
Gah..now it's stuck in muh head!
How about some thunder from Down Under…
AC/DC: Blunderstruck
Had to stop
In the middle of your book (=train wreck)
Blunder!
And I knew, and I knew there was no turning back
Blunder!
My head ached
And I thought what could I do
When I knew
It was all thanks, all thanks to you
Blunder!
Reached for the rums
Sick to my heart
Bleeding from the gums
I suffered your art
Went down the hallway
“Is there no limit to what they can’t do?”
Went to the can, yeah the can
And tossed that fine rum
Dreamt of writers
All those writers who do rock and rhyme
May break some rules, play us for fools
Yeah, yeah, they, they, THEY blow our minds
I was retching on my knees
Stop querying us, please
I’ll ask nicely one more time
I’ve been blunderstruck, blunderstruck
Yeah yeah yeah, blunderstruck
Oh, blunderstruck
Yeah
You had me retching on my knees
Do not query us, please
Blunderstruck blunderstruck
Yeah yeah yeah, blunderstruck
Blunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah
Said yeah, it’s alright
I’ll be fine
Yeah, by tonight
I’ll be fine
Just fine
Blunderstruck, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Blunderstruck, blunderstruck, blunderstruck
No maybe, baby, blunderstruck
I’ve been blunderstruck, blunderstruck
Blunderstruck, blunderstruck
I’ve been blunderstruck
(Hells Bells by ACDC)
I'm a rolling rejecter,
an endless red stain.
I'm reading like a hurricane.
My eyes skimmin’ words
that no one will buy.
It’s another form rejection, please don’t cry.
I take no prisoners,
don’t spare no dreams
Where is the plot,
can you hear me scream?
You’re writing stinks,
but don’t take it personally.
I gotta get you,
so Steve don’t get me.
CHORUS:
Slush Smells
Yeah, Slush Smells
You got me singing slush smells.
Am I havin’ a hot spell?
I'll send you a form rejection as I drink some wine.
You must be into words to be a friend of mine.
See my eyes glazing as I read all night
If this is all that’s left,
I hope I lose my sight.
Slush Smells, Steve's comin' to you
Slush Smells, he's reading now
Slush Smells, his temper's high
Slush Smells, he screams at the sky
Slush Smells, we’re takin' you down
Slush Smells, we’d like to drag you around
Slush Smells, smack you all night
Slush Smells, don’t try to fight, yeah
Ow, ow, ow, ow
(what else did I have to do on my lunch hour?)
AHAHAH! These are all BRILLIANT so far :D. Best. Contest. Ever.
My entry:
HATE YOUR PITCH (to the tune of "Ain't My Bitch" by Metallica)
Your mail today
ruined my day
You’re out of your mind and outta time
You are no one
Your book is no fun
You wrote your entire email in rhyme
So wrong
So long
I’ve already heard this plea before
Contrived
and now it’s time
To kiss your dreams good-bye
Makin me frown
You sound like a clown
So clueless
It is your fault
It is my call
I hate your pitch!
I hate your pitch!
Your use of pun…
I’ve come undone
I think I’m blind. That should be a sin!
I hope you drown
At least skip town
Damn you straight to hell again
That’s all
I’m appalled
It’s time for you to crawl awaaay
I survived
and now it’s time
To kiss your dreams good-bye
Makin me frown
You sound like a clown
So clueless
It is your fault
It is my call
I hate your pitch!
If Wikipedia lists the band as a "traditional heavy metal band," does that outweigh the fact that this song is part of a ride at Disney World?
...
Yeah, didn't really think so.
Hopefully it's at least a far enough step away from Journey that I can post it for the sake of getting it unstuck from my head.
To the tune of "Love in an Elevator" by Aerosmith:
Workin' like a dog for the boss man
Workin' for the agency
And every single day I'm tossin'
Out toothless vampire fantasy
And it seems the more I look
The more bad queries I find
I can tell not one of these should be a book
Just from the opening lines
Pitch in an elevator
"It's like Moby Dick meets My Two Dads"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Sixth Sense crossed with the Iliad"
This one's from a woman-hater
That one is a total bore
Rhetoricals come in later
What if you couldn't take much more?
And just when I think I'm done
Another hundred arrive
If I close my eyes and click on
Auto-reject, honey
I could be home by five
Pitch in an elevator
"Magic orphan twins are heirs to the crown"
Pitch in an elevator
"Then they're whole world is turned upside-down"
Don't use "they're," make it "their," if you want to write
Pretend you care
Pitch in an elevator
"You'll be sorry if you turn me down"
(Guitar solo)
Pitch in an elevator
"The next Dan Brown"
(Guitar solo)
Pitch in an elevator
"I call it baby's first Peyton Place"
Pitch in an elevator
"Like Animal Farm but set in space"
"Gonna be a famous author"
"Gonna be a millionaire"
Hope the lotto makes you an offer
Because I can't help you there
Gotta get your query right
It's a test that you haven't passed
Stop wasting all your time on your log line, honey
Back to writing class!
Hi Rejectionistas, Sorry, I'm really an interloper, But my wife's regular and pointed me towards the fun n games. I also made an mp3 but not sure where to post/host it...
All Your Prose…
(Based on Poison’s Every Rose Has its Thorn)
I read the work that you sent to me, and I smiled a little smile
You’re so earnest but you’re no Hemingway and it’s headed for the circular file
It was something you said, and something you wrote,
Your words just didn’t come out right
So I will try not to hurt you, but I might, I gotta tell you
All your prose reads like porn
Every sigh and every moan
And your handsome, loner cowboy is a stereotype gone wrong
All your prose reads like porn
It’s a story of innuendo, and clumsy double entendre
Well you call it literary fiction, but it’s a sad excuse for genre
It’s so bad you got me speakin’ French, and that’s got me kinda scared
Well I hope it won’t rub off the page ‘cause it smells like a pile of merde, I said
All your prose reads like porn
Every sigh and every moan
I could forward your submission to the Penthouse Forum
All your prose reads like porn
So I try to go to sleep now but your words have filled my brain
I dream of Fabio on the cover, and the scar,
the scar remains
I know you want me to save your book, but there’s really nothing more to say
Instead of making a deal we both made our separate ways.
And now I hear you're shopping it to someone new, and that
I never meant that much to you.
To hear that gives me a secret thrill, as I think of them getting bodice-ripping ill, You know
All your prose reads like porn
Every sigh and every moan
And I hate to admit it, but I’m vaguely turned on
All your prose reads like porn
Ok, so I hosted it on Google Docs.
Hope this works: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1SHxQYovVEwMmNkMDc0NzUtYTY2Zi00MGRkLTk1YWMtMmZhNWUwNWIwY2Fh&hl=en
Rejectionist,
For every power ballad rejection you write. I raise my lighter high over my head in honor of your passion!
Home Sweet Home by Mötley Crüe
You know I'm a rejectionist
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away from your query
So I wouldn't come home low
Just when your hook rocked
Your sample pages stunk
Just take my rejection letter and you'll never feel
Left all alone
Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Maybe another revision
And you’ll come out of the slush pile’s
Long & winding road
My rejection is on the way
My form letter is on the way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
My rejection is on the way
My form letter is on the way
Home sweet home
You know that I've seen
Too many queries fail my dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen
My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams
I'm rejecting you
I'm rejecting you
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
You’re rejection is on the way
Just set my inbox free
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
You’re rejection is on the way
My form letter is on the way
Home Sweet Home
Yeah
You’re rejection is on the way
Just set my inbox free
Home Sweet Home
Long time lurker come out the woodwork...=0)
(To the tune of UNFORGIVEN, Metallica)
FORM REJECTION
New query joins this slush
And quickly it’s perused
To the author’s great disgrace
They’ve not obeyed the rules
”I can only find my name
In the CC: of your mail
And if you’re the next Dan Brown
I drink coffee from The Grail - and then you claim
Your story does transcend
Genre and Categ’ry
I have to disagree
Chorus
The plot is thin
The voice just drones
You’ve just told and never shown
You haven’t used
The spell check tool
So you’ve described the man as ‘crool’
The concept’s bland
The grammar wants
and I can’t read a 4 point font
Don’t feel free (to)
Requery me
As I dub thee FORM REJECTION
You dedicate your life
To writing all of this
Then format your query
In an illegible serif
I’ve never had a thing
For Daemon/Zombie sex
Or how would their offspring
Defeat a drunk T-Rex or brontosaur
The reader will deplore
This awful parody
That reader here is me
Chorus
Have you heard
Of paragraphs?
A block of text just makes me pass
Don’t say someone
Said ‘Brilliant Fun!”
If that person is your Mum
Please don’t say
You’re Hemmingway
When all you’ve done is waste my day
The idea’s sh*t
don’t resubmit
As I dub thee FORM REJECTION
(Raging guitar solo)
You queryed me
I'll reject you
And I’ll post thee FORM REJECTION”
(Repeat to fade)
*Then kick back, open beer, reach for guitar*
Word Verification - Crechi: An place in Italy to stow your kids.
To “Paranoid” by Black Sabbath (with amp turned up to eleven)
Finished with your manuscript
I have to say it’s mega-lame
I can’t believe I requested it
I guess I’ve got myself to blame
A racist joke, a homophobic slur
Your heroine weeping on a parapet
She loves him, though he’s mean to her
I’m so glad that’s not played out yet.
Can someone help me set myself on fire?
Oh yeah!
While we’re at it, show don’t tell
Quit it with that passive voice
Also maybe learn to spell
Comic Sans is a crazy choice
I’ve read my Kristeva and I’ve studied Arendt
And I’m not quite down with objectification
Your writing is just time misspent
No matter what your qualification.
Your book is making my mind bleed
My pristine soul has been infected
Thank you for this shit-tastic read
Oh, and piss off, you’ve been REJECTED!
To the tune of Metallica’s Enter Sandman
Enter Agent
Say your prayers author friends
Don’t forget to write
Make your books airtight
Suck it up, don’t blowup
Keep from coming undone
Till the right agent’s comes
Chorus:
Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your man-u-script
Exit: Query
Enter: Slush
Take a pill
We’re off to vampire-werewolf land
Something’s wrong, the agent fled
Another goddamn undead
And they’re all snow white
Dreams of cash, dreams of flash
Dreams of riding in limos
But it’s another hell noooo
Chorus:
Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your man-u-script
Exit: Query
Enter: Slush
Take a pill
We’re off to zombie-never land
Agent scans inbox, looks bleak
Agent scans inbox, looks bleak
Pray to Lord for something unique
Pray to Lord for something unique
Agent’s got a headache
Agent’s got a headache
Pray to Lord for no one flakes
Pray to Lord for no one flakes
Hush little writer, don’t write a word
And never mind that voice you heard
It’s just Edward under your bed
On your bookshelf, in your head
Exit: Query
Enter: Slush
F’in Wreck
Exit: Query
Enter: Slush
Auto Reject
We’re off to dragon-fodo land
You people are fantastic!
Kimberly Kincaid: GENIUS!!!!!!
Dangit! My Mp3 of All your prose was @#$%^^$#@ed up!
I have reposted it here: https://docs.google.com/leaf?id=0B1SHxQYovVEwOGExOGU0NjctYjFiZi00NTJhLTk0ZGUtYTEyOWM1NjVjOGVm&hl=en
I beg you to listen! Beg!
My favorite, hands down, is the new version of Love In An Elevator by Triceratophat. That had me snickering!
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