Heavy Metal Self-Helps

So maybe, like us, you never learned how to play guitar, and sometimes experience very real sensations of regret and loss for never having fronted a metal band of your own. Maybe you DID front a metal band of your very own as a wee pup, and are now chained to the 9-5, longing for the halcyon days of your youth when anything seemed possible and legions of fans awaited you. Um, that's depressing. ANYWAY. Our point was supposed to be: it's never too late to make your everyday a little more metal!

1. Nothing says "1996 was the last good year" like tying a bandana around your cowboy boot. If you really want to commit to a metal nostalgia, make yourself some of these (ummm, not the Confederate flag ones. But those wolfs are SICK). We are currently working on this project, perhaps we will post a photo if they turn out well. If wearing boots to your work is discouraged, may we suggest moving to New York.

2. Engage in Heavy Metal Visualization Exercises. First: name your metal band (our metal band will be called Shiba Inu, if you were interested). Next, decide which instrument you'll play (always the center of attention? You're a Lead Singer! Like being the behind-the scenes powerhouse? You're a Drummer! Is your favorite thing staying out of the limelight until it's time to step forward and steal the show? You're a Lead Guitarist! Ummmm... like, uh, dancing? You're a Bassist!). Behold! Before you lies the limitless possibility of a rich fantasy life! Where will your band go on tour? What will your songs be about? What countries will love you best? Will you wear totally ludicrous outfits onstage, or stick to all black? Glam metal or thrash? Imagine how pesky customers/bosses/coworkers will grovel when YOU TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

3. We have lately been hunting down concert shirts for bands we loved as a young person, which may be a sign we need to either a. grow up or b. take a vacation, but anyway, it's kind of fun. Added bonus: if you go running in a Master of Puppets T-shirt, it makes everyone you pass really, really happy. Seriously. DISCLAIMER: There is not a single item of clothing in our wardrobe in which we get sexually harassed more frequently than our Guns 'N Roses shirt (including our collection of skirts so tiny our former roommate once referred to them as "long belts"). Seriously. It is INSANE. Men have followed us down the street shouting ("I'll rock you baby!") pretty much every time we have worn this shirt out in public. Ladies, consider yourselves warned.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT: So we are right now halfway through The Possessed: Adventures With Russian Books and the People Who Read Them, by Elif Batuman, and it is so far the most awesome book we have read in this entire century. We will tell you more about it when we are done. Anyway, Elif Batuman is reading at McNally Jackson Books on Monday, and if you live in New York YOU NEED TO GO, and you should also bring a diaper, because if she is a tenth as funny in person, you are going to PEE YOUR PANTS. Okay? We'll see you there!

OMG LOOK THERE ARE STILL LIKE TEN HOURS TO ENTER OUR METAL REJECTION CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT!!!!!! YOU ARE AMAZEMENT, AUTHOR-FRIENDS!!!!!!!