Fursplosion
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So, we get it: people like the plateful of crack that is Twilight, including some people we love and respect, and although we were personally unable to slog through even the first book in that juggernaut (it wasn't the dreadfulness of its politics that deterred us; it's just SO. FUCKING. BORING.), as someone who has read the entire cheese-tastic and wooden Dragonlance trilogy not once but multiple times, we should not point fingers at other people's vices. However, if you even TRY and tell us Twilight is a GOOD book, we will immediately stop listening to anything you say after that, and you will deserve it. Sorry. True. We are talking about a series in which a vampire performs a Caesarean with his teeth, folks. You do not hear us arguing that Dragons of Spring Dawning is LITERATURE, hmm?
BUT! then we found THIS LIVEJOURNAL! Which possibly you have already seen, since these posts are years old, but which is the funniest goddamn thing we have come across since The Road: A Comedic Translation. Cleolinda summarizes the Twilight novels ("Twilight means never having to say you're kidding")! provides a helpful glossary! highlights Great Moments in Sparkle Motion! If the actual books were this awesome, we would totally read them! and now we don't have to! FURSPLODE!
Also very old, very funny, and very true: Top Ten Things Never to Send Your Favorite Writer, by Neil Gaiman's assistant Lorraine.
**ADDENDUM: Dear Cleolinda, if you are reading this, and would like to apply your patented treatment of excellence to the Dragonlance Chronicles, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WOULD MAKE A LOT OF PEOPLE REALLY REALLY HAPPY. Love, The Rejectionist**
Posts
Oh, MAN, I've been blogging about not liking the bad boy in literature, and now you have to go bring up Dragonlance and remind me of the fact that I kind of had a thing for Raistlin in high school. DAMN YOU, REJECTIONIST!
Sigh. S'okay. All engaged couples have spats at one time or another.
Here's another one you might enjoy.
http://otahyoni.livejournal.com/130432.html
Twilight is... yanno, I'm not even sure there is an adequate word for it.
Raistlin's not BAD, he's BETTER THAN EVERYONE. How can you not love that?
Hee hee, Christi! That's hilarious.
Aaaand, the spat is over.
Cleolinda is my new best friend. I shall have to send her chocolates... chocolates that SPARKLE!!!!
If you are even going to imply that the Dragonlance Chronicles are NOT literature I may have to demote you. A spectacular prank on CvP might, might get you bumped back up to the pinnacle of blogworld.
I have the boxed set that I bought in 1985 for $9.95 sitting on my nightside table right now.
Oh, yeah. Raistlin.
Okay, I have just lost a year of my life reading cleolinda's recap of Twilight (which isn't nearly as much as I would have lost reading the original. . .)
Joe = confused. Your 12/21/09 post said you picked Twilight out of the slush pile. You picked it out of the slush pile but couldn't finish the whole book?
Dragonlance not literature? Next thing you'll be dissing the Drizzt.
And I, like, totally wanted hourglass pupils. Rockin'.
Please do not send Cleo sparkling chocolates. She has had problems with those. XD
Dear Joseph, AN assistant picked Twilight out of the slush pile. Not THIS assistant.
Golden skin is waaaaay hotter than sparkly skin. Mmm, Raistlin.
LOL, I recently tried to watch that ridiculous movie. I suffered in silence through Bella's sullen rudeness to every person in the entire town of Forks, but when white-faced Dr. Cullen came on, played by Dr. "Coop" Cooper from Nurse Jackie, I almost broke a rib laughing so hard. Like, people really think he's a normal dude? Yeah, right. Then I watched an exciting documentary on paint-drying instead.
Hope S.M. and J.R. got that assistant a nice fruit basket.
Oh man, Cleolinda is amazing. Don't know if you've checked out her Secret Life of Dolls doll-opera, but it's epic and addictive and way less lame than it sounds. And yeah, I totally woke up my whole house laughing the night I found her Twilight recaps online.
You did see this, right?
http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2010/03/the_writing_style_of_twilight.html
Yes, Raistlin was the shiznit. What other character do you know of who became all-powerful, destroyed the world, and then (later) sacrificed himself to save it after his brother traveled back in time to warn him?
Dude's just COOL!
What's Twilight? Is it a sweeping multi-generational supernatural romance saga about Beavers or some other crepuscular animal? Sturm was probably crepuscular.
It's bizarre when my favorite internet personas find one another. Validating, somehow. Like awesomeness squared instead of multiplied.
We had no idea so many people felt the same way about Raistlin! Today is like Rejectionist Affirmation Day! Everybody caught that awesome Raistlin reference in Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, yes? Where were you all when we were getting made fun of in fifth grade for toting around the (original covers, far superior!) Chronicles???????????
We were also getting made fun of elsewhere. Thankfully, online we are able to congregate and scare people with our impressive numbers.
For the movie watching -- we had a Twilight viewing at my house that required a two drink minimum from everyone in the house before the movie would start. It was the most fun. We're even considering doing it again for movie two. Think MST.
And, because I thought of it only a few minutes before reading this post, if there's anyone who missed The Key of Awesome's Emo Vampire song....
http://www.barelydigital.com/awesome/episode/KA_20091102/twilight-sucks
It's so affirming to see all the Raistlin love. I was totally going to be the Crysania (the BETTER and SUCCESSFUL one) to Raistlin. Sigh.
I pretty much lived in Krynn from age 12 to 16.
Oh please, please google Growing Up Cullen. You will not be disappointed!
Glad to know even you have a "shameful favorite." I've read (I own!) the Twilight books, but they are a five on the Meh scale for me. (That's .5 on the Awesometer.)
I'm debating if I want to rent the movies just to see the sparklies. Or maybe it's just that kid playing Jake.
I'm so glad to know that I am not alone. Someone gave my daughter the Twilight series and of course, since she's eleven, I attempted to read them to make sure they were age appropriate.
I figured I'd see what all the hoopla was about. I didn't. I nearly cried trying to get through the first. Then I picked up the second. I was willing to give Meyer the benefit of the doubt. I'm a writer, I know that first book isn't always spectacular. Perhaps she learned something.
No...she didn't. I didn't make it through that one. My daughter can read them later. Maybe some night when she can't sleep or something.
I. LOVE. Dragonlance.
That is all. *G*
Also, have you seen Stoney's breakdown of the LDS symbolism in Twilight? Hilariously presented, I might add.
http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html
You also have to read her Movies in 15 Minutes--they're so epic!!!
Pfft, forget about DRAGONS OF SPRING DAWNING! It's all about THE LEGEND OF HUMA.
-J
P.S. Le R, you've met your awesome quota for forever. Just FYI.
P.P.S. I almost bought this (http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17214396) as a gag gift for a friend for Christmas -- but they were sold out. What is the world coming to?!
Dear Jess, we will take your Edward lotion and raise you an Edward manlow. Also: no, we are not getting any work done today. Thanks for asking, though.
Thank you so much for this post (and also for all the links provided by all the commentators!). This really cracked me up on the way home from work today! Truer words have seldom been spoken!
Oh, WOW! My sides hurt. Maybe some of that Edward lotion will help? My kids are wondering what is wrong with me, and if I will ever get around to making dinner.
Le R, thank you for bringing this to my attention! My children will starve now, because I will be too busy catching up on all previous posts by Cleolinda, but it's okay; they have too much energy anyway.
No, Twilight isn't high-class. But it's so marketable!
Oh, you bitter, bitter Twilight haters. You act as if you are not daydreaming about some young hot vampire guy that would die if he couldn't have you.
You know you are.
P.S. Edward lotion sounds vaguely nasty and a little pornographic. I'm just sayin'.
Oh man, if you're ever home sick for a few days, you need to read Mark Reads Twilight.
He goes chapter by chapter. You get to watch him go mad...
(He's almost done, just working on the few leaked chapters of "Midnight Sun". But start from the beginning. They're AMAZING.)
No matter how many times I read Cleolinda's recaps (for the books and movies), I laugh so hard it hurts. I love how she added like thirty new words to my vocabulary -- and I knew exactly what this post was about from the title.
Man, Le R, I hope you're happy. I just spent my entire day reading those HIGHLARIOUS summaries of all the twilight books and it's all. your. fault.
And then I read the halfbook from Edward's (emowhiny) viewpoint JUST SO I COULD READ HER MAKING FUN OF IT.
Totally worth it.
Love Cleolinda, I want that Edward's version book to come out just so she can summarise it (yes that is the only reason...)
oh man. please please please read this.
http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html
wherein, according to Cleo, Edward has been turned into a prissy virgin with a cleaning fetish...be sure to go to the one where Edward watches porn...
She does a hilarious job with the movies as well...
Le R, I bow to your superior WTFckery.
And leave you with this:
http://shinga.deviantart.com/art/Head-Trip-Twilight-Sucks-85504254
<3,
-J
Speaking of Twilight and hilarious, have you seen this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nqvg0C90FhM
But..as much as you all hate it and make fun of it..you have to see it's making tons of ppl happy and also..tons of money!
Best thing ever to make fun of Twilight:
the novel Nightlight: A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon. I literally laughed out loud on every single effing page.
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