A Reminder: Don't Fuck With the Assistant

You know all those "experiments" wherein various persons send "queries" that are summations of canonical works of literature to agents and publishers? And then, when said queries are summarily rejected, promptly deride the idiocy of the Many-Headed Hydra of Moronity and Back-Asswardness That Is the Entire Publishing Industry Especially Agents Who Are All, As We Know, Personally Responsible for Twilight/That Lauren Conrad "Novel"/Whatever Book You Hate Today, and Cannot Even Recognize Great Literature When It Hits Them Over the Head With a Shovel?

Well, here's what ACTUALLY happens when the Assistant receives a query that is practically a book report for a Famous/Relatively Famous/Actually Slightly Obscure (and Aren't We Clever For Recognizing It Immediately) novel:

Mail: Ping!

Assistant: Oh, a new query! What delight awaits us! Dearest universe, how you continually bestow magic upon us!

Assistant: But what if it's a nasty one, precious, ssss, sss? We hates the nasssty ones, hates them!

(Assistant peruses screen of beautiful new Mac (thanks, "Steve"!). Noble brow of Assistant furrows as initial expression of Rapture is replaced by scowl.)

Assistant: But what! This cannot be! This isn't a query, it's a summary of (insert title of relatively famous novel here)! Surely this cretin is not Fucking With the Assistant! Surely this toadstool masquerading as a scribe is aware THAT THIS BOOK HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN!

Assistant: It's tricksy! Tricksy! WE HATES IT!!! SS SSSSS!!! HATES THE TRICKSY QUERIESES WHERE IS OUR DRINKSY WE NEEDS OUR DRINKSY PRECIOUS!!

(Beautiful new Mac explodes due to psychic force of Assistant's displeasure. "Steve" weeps. "Query" is form-rejected. Assistant prevails. Ssss, ssss.)

FIN