A Reminder: Don't Fuck With the Assistant
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
You know all those "experiments" wherein various persons send "queries" that are summations of canonical works of literature to agents and publishers? And then, when said queries are summarily rejected, promptly deride the idiocy of the Many-Headed Hydra of Moronity and Back-Asswardness That Is the Entire Publishing Industry Especially Agents Who Are All, As We Know, Personally Responsible for Twilight/That Lauren Conrad "Novel"/Whatever Book You Hate Today, and Cannot Even Recognize Great Literature When It Hits Them Over the Head With a Shovel?
Well, here's what ACTUALLY happens when the Assistant receives a query that is practically a book report for a Famous/Relatively Famous/Actually Slightly Obscure (and Aren't We Clever For Recognizing It Immediately) novel:
Mail: Ping!
Assistant: Oh, a new query! What delight awaits us! Dearest universe, how you continually bestow magic upon us!
Assistant: But what if it's a nasty one, precious, ssss, sss? We hates the nasssty ones, hates them!
(Assistant peruses screen of beautiful new Mac (thanks, "Steve"!). Noble brow of Assistant furrows as initial expression of Rapture is replaced by scowl.)
Assistant: But what! This cannot be! This isn't a query, it's a summary of (insert title of relatively famous novel here)! Surely this cretin is not Fucking With the Assistant! Surely this toadstool masquerading as a scribe is aware THAT THIS BOOK HAS ALREADY BEEN WRITTEN!
Assistant: It's tricksy! Tricksy! WE HATES IT!!! SS SSSSS!!! HATES THE TRICKSY QUERIESES WHERE IS OUR DRINKSY WE NEEDS OUR DRINKSY PRECIOUS!!
(Beautiful new Mac explodes due to psychic force of Assistant's displeasure. "Steve" weeps. "Query" is form-rejected. Assistant prevails. Ssss, ssss.)
FIN
Posts
How insulting. My story of Captain Baha and the great whale Moby Cock was utterly original.
@Ink: I write parody; Moby Cock will now be my next novel.
"Call me Tushmael..."
Le R., you make me LULZ. One note - my PRECIOUS is my DRINKSY. It makes me invisible and everything. Oh, sure, the LAPD doesn't seem to agree, but we hatesssss them.
What's it doing? Stupid, fat hobbit-author! You ruins it!
What's to ruin? There was hardly any plot on them.
OMG! You made me laugh so hard I snorted. Twice.
work verif: brobo...
damn, snorted again...
Has anyone ever told you how hard your writing style is to read?
Not that I disagree with your post, but I'm not sure I understand it either.
As I am buried under a metric ton of snow right now, I cannot even express to you how much I needed this post to be crafted from the very fabric of awesome.
Annnnd here you are.
Ink, you and Lucy threw it right over the edge for me.
I'm a little bit in love with all of you. It might be the snow talking. Or the drinksies. Who knows...
Did the beautiful new Mac explode from the psychic force of Le R's displeasure, or from overheating of the Shift key as Le R expressed said displeasure?
MOBY COCK AND THE ADVENTURE OF THE MISSING BLUBBER
MOBY COCK AND THE FABRIC OF AWESOME
MOBY COCK: NOW THERE WAS A WHALE
MOBY COCK: BETTER THAN DRINKSIES
ahah ahahahaha ahahahahahahahaha
This has absolutely positively made my day!
Yes, I have to agree with Gordon. I think you should strip all the unique style out of your writing and be as straightforward as possible so morons can enjoy your posts, too. In fact, let us rally together to condemn anything that smacks of originality at all. Any writing that departs from the path of strictly informative should be beaten with a stick and driven out of the village! Hurray, Gordon! Thank you for lighting the first torch!
Holy CRAP, Keith. Here I was, thinking that this thread couldn't POSSIBLY get any better.
I am mightily in your debt, sir, for proving me wrong.
The fabric of awesome reaches far and wide, it seems ;)
Ah, my beloved Keith Popely-- the first follower of my self-flagellating blog and a absolute wild man.
Let's light our torches togther, shall we? I love a good roast.
MOBY COCK AND THE TORCH OF JUSTICE
This made me laugh. And then I read the comment thread and start laughing more. LeR: the new "perfect abs in three minutes a day" workout.
In all seriousness, do people not get that there are indeed many classics that would not be published today? That does not mean books are in general any better or any worse, just different. The market changes. Les Miserables would be immediately rejected on word count. Gone With The Wind for blatant racism. The Phantom Tollbooth would need a lot more action. Etc, etc., etc.
How about this? MAYBE there have been brilliant works written ahead of their time that could not get published because the market wasn't ready for them. I mean, not just the one you wrote personally, but other people's. Maybe they're hiding out in attics and security deposit boxes all over the place just waiting to be discovered. Genius and brilliance hiding in every corner. And once the agents find them, we're all screwed for another forty years until agents are smart enough to recognize our own shining manuscripts for the masterpieces they truly are.
Hahaha! Brilliant. Don't change. ;)
This blog is like group therapy. If your doctor was Hannibel Lector and your group was in an insane asylum.
This works for me. And it makes me laugh...a little insanely but who cares?
Oh Le Res... you make me laugh so damn hard! And the comments make me laugh harder. I lurves it! LURVES! :)
You make me want to be an assistant just so I can laugh at adults rather than at high school drama.
Oh, this is too fun not to share! Thanks for the mood-lifter!
Oh, and I didn't think my day could get any better.
You are our hero.
MOBY COCK STOPS MAKING SENSE
MOBY COCK: THE MONSTER INK CREATED
YAY!!!
I command a ticker tape parade in honor of Le R.'s awesomeness!
Spurn those morons who think they're clever. Outwit the Assistant? I think NOT.
BTW: Where is our drinksy? made me snort in glee. We LOVESSSSS it!
I guess I won't query you with Lord of the Cock Rings. My baby needs a to find a home.
@ Keith Popely,
Go easy on Jerome. Or Landon. Ruben. Whatever. It's obviously difficult for him (Melvin?) to keep the same thing over and over again fresh. Or interesting. Or whatever it was supposed to be besides thinly veiled piggybacking on The Rejectionist and Pimp My Novel to get readers.
Lord of the Cock Rings
OMG
If this thread gets any funnier, I'm going to burst something.
@Keith Popely. All the reasons you gave for agreeing with Gordon made me want to disagree with him. Are you a wizard?
Ah, my day is so much better now. We hatesss it, too. And now I have a hankering to watch the LotR trilogy again for the bazillionth time.
We lovess that! (And you!)
MOBY COCK AND ZOMBIES?
MOBY COCK: THE CALL OF COCKTHULU!
hehehehehehe. Thank you for this!
MOBY COCK IS HARD (TO READ)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Here is the part where we reveal we are actually a thirteen-year-old boy.
I have created a monster.
Frankencock...
I am in pain from laughing!
figures... someone call the FCC on the way to the copyright attorney, all my dreams and fantasies have been dashed against the wall by a 13 year-old!
MOBY COCK AND THE EXHAUSTED GIRLFRIEND
MOBY COCK 2: ELECTRIC BOOBGALOO
Lookit what we've made from the fabric of awesome...this is even better than those pants from the post a couple of days ago!
All we need to do now is dress Frankencock up in those and we've got ourselves a party of the righteously undead and horribly well endowed.
Not necessarily in that order.
So this is what you're up to when I'm gone all day? Good effing grief.
The sequel to MOBY COCK:
20,000 COCKS UNDER THE SEA
love the header and will heed your sage advice
My fist time to your blog, & I cannot think of another blog entry that I have EVER laughed harder (or so often)at...
All of you are HILARIOUS!
Uh, y'all know Moby Cock was white, right?
Literature's only 3-4 inch whale.
44 posts because she said cock.
No point. Just sayin'.
Cock. Heehee. You said "cock". A lot. Snicker
It's nothing epic but a classic none the less:
Little Red Riding C--I just can't go through with it. :-(
Mary Miller wins. That is all.
this is my favorite blog in the whole freaking world.
I think you’ve cracked the case of Moby Dick. Not only does it start in Nantucket, but a perusal of the chapter titles gives away the subversive subtext:
Nightgown
All Astir
The Mast-Head
The Town-Ho's Story
The Crotch
The Nut
The Monkey-Rope
The Battering-Ram
The Pequod Meets The Virgin
A Squeeze of the Hand
Pitchpoling
The Fountain
Does the Whale's Magnitude Diminish?—Will He Perish?
Ahab and Starbuck in the Cabin
You know, I've always wondered just what a cock's swain does on a boat, but I never quite dared to ask . . . .
And oh yeah, there's that guy named Stubb, too.
Great posts by all.
MOBY COCK AND THE SEAMEN
The Devil Wears Cockra?
Oh dear.
Hmm... who is this 'Steve' and will he give me (a fellow assistant!) a Macbook too? :)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I think I worship you.
TOO MUCH NO MORE!!!!!!! CAN'T TAKE IT
Post a Comment