Last Month in Queries
Friday, February 5, 2010
Total queries received: 537 (!!! totally a record, we are impressed, you can stop now). Requests for manuscripts: 12, as we and "Steve" were simultaneously struck by fits of generosity this month. Anthologies of "critically acclaimed fart jokes even my wife thinks their funny": 1. Queries in which author misspelled title of own book: 1 (we did not reject this person for that reason, but it did make us laugh. Not in a mean way, we swear). Queries from person who was clearly like 700 years old and did not include any contact information and now we are consumed with guilt thinking of this poor elderly gentleman awaiting a response we have no way of sending him: 1. Novels "inspired by Hemmingway": 1. Mafia thrillers: 24. Queries from a church (as in the building, not the congregation. No, we have no idea): 1. Novels featuring teenage girls engaged in various relations/tormented affections/accidental ensnarements with vampires, demons, the undead, angels, werewolves, or fairies (not like the gay kind; WE WISH WE WISH WE WISH OMG SOMEONE PLEEEEEEASE SEND US A GAY WEREWOLFS-FAIRIES NOVEL WE WILL DO A FUCKING CAPER): 64. Snail-mail query from Friend of Friend of Friend of "Steve", which relation we were unaware of, as FOFOFOS did not mention this bosom friendship in said (excruciatingly dull) query, but chose to email "Steve" separately TWO WEEKS LATER being all like "What ho, jolly chap, don't you know I've queried you?", at the same instant as we were tucking a form-rejection into his SASE and handing it off to our favorite mailperson, and then "Steve" was all like "Dearest Le R., have you seen my friend's friend's friend's query? Can you please request his ms out of that generous spirit of bonhomie which so often prevails chez nous?", and then we chased after the mailman in an unsuccessful effort to retrieve aforementioned form rejection, and then we had to compose a groveling apologetic missive to FOFOFOS being all like "HA HA SORRY STOP ABOUT MISTAKEN REJECTION STOP FROM MORONIC ASSISTANT STOP PLEASE OF COURSE SEND YOUR DELIGHTFUL NOVEL STOP", and then "Steve" read the first chapter and was all like, "Oh, this is excruciatingly dull, please reject it", and then we cried: 1. Totally bomb-ass submission letters written by Rejectionists which caused ALL ELEVEN TO THIRTEEN RECEIVING EDITORS to request "Steve" Client Novel within ONE TO THREE DAYS OF RECEIPT: TWO, thank you very much. WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE ASSISTANT.
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* To your last point: that's amazing. Nice way to end the week, no?
* To your gay werewolf/faerie love story.... can this be the one acceptable instance of sending a query for an as-yet-unwritten work? Because I think it could be worth bending that rule. And maybe even worth following through on.
No mangst? Remarkable.
OMG. I have a gay fairy in my book! What a coinky dink.
(I'm actually serious)
WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE ASSISTANT.
Indeed. :)
Hilarious! The last point about the FOFOFOS was too funny! And only 64 of those teenage-girls-engaged-in-relations-with-some-paranormal-thing? That number seems low to me... haha.
And I'm thinking I should write a novel called Mangst. It's always good to be a straight shooter.
You go wit' yo bad self!!! Woot! "Steve" should give you a raise.
Great post. FOFOF was gold. Good times.
Happy Weekend,
Lola
You do have to commend someone for writing a book when they're 700 years old -- hopefully, it's not a series. I'm not sure people live much longer than 701. Happy Friday!
Congrats on the submissions!!
This is one hilarious post. Thanks. :)
I'm a little puzzled over the church query. Whhhat?
Ooooh, I want to learn more about how one crafts such bomb-ass submission letters. I am intrigued.
Sorry about FOFOFOS. Someday I will tell you about someone applying for a summer associate position at my last law firm that pulled a similar stunt... (I was the interviewer rather than the query-receiver, but that's mostly the same).
Word Verification: amangst
how does it know?
Ohhhh, maybe it's a book told from the Church's point of view, ie 'things these walls have seen'.
Except, I probably wouldn't read it.
Unless it was a church in Jerusalem, with Templer Knights and a holy grail thing going on...
Wait, whaddya mean you've heard that story??? :)
Hi, my name is Hagia Sophia, and I've written a mangst novel called MANGST:WE HAVE IT IN TURKEY, TOO. This semi-autobiographical 430,000 word novel is unique in the mangst genre, as there is no Road Trip (I'm rather rooted down). I think this will be a key selling point: the old saying, "All roads lead to Rome", was a Western blandishment; all roads really lead to me.
I currently reside in Istanbul (though I always preferred "Constantinople"), the center of the world, and I'm often considered the epitome of Byzantine architecture. My dome, in particular, is rockin'. Don't let the "museum" tag fool you... I'm fully down with modern mangst.
And pardon the swirly script and parchment paper. I started this manuscript back in 585 AD, and the monks tended to get carried away.
I look forward to your response. Sincerely,
Hagia Sophia
You have a great job! :)
your genius makes me want to cry.
You are truly beautiful. Thank you for that.
PS: You can actually find a lot of gay werewolf stuff on the Harry Potter fan fiction sites... if you really are desperate.
Your job sounds like so much fun (I'm being serious.) Love the mispelled title. (*shit, making sure it wasn't me...)
I fully approve of you and Steve being overly generous in those months in which I query you. I know how important my approval is to you. ...umm, right?
I actually had a character named Hagia Sophia in a novel I didn't sell.
But she was named after the church, she wasn't the actual church.
Any chance I vaguely know any of you? Or we might have eaten in the same restaurant once? Not at the same time of course, but perhaps... nevermind.
500 is a lot. My sympathies.
I hope your generosity extends into this month as well...and if you see my query come across your inbox...you think oh yeah I know her. She is brilliant, I can tell just by her comments. I must have Steve sign her.
Ok, I may have gotten carried away.
Congrats on the submission letters. That's awesome!
Let me share my own favorite query: an MS entitled "Scooter to the Yukon" (I am not making this up), which included "encounters with dangerous wolfs" and "the despair of breakdown."
Guess who had the real breakdown?
Oo, I already published a gay werewolf fairy story, but it's a short story. LOL.
BTW, if you want a giggle I'm happy to send you a review copy. ;)
Am I the only one who imagined Steve speaking with a pretentious English accent? Just say those lines in a snooty British voice and tell me it's not effing perfect.
I love this blog.
I want to think of sassy smart things to say about this post, but all I have right now is Thank God For This Blog. I want to use this to audition for community theater. "Hello, it's a pleasure to be here. Today I will be auditioning for the role of Anita, and I will preform a selection from The Rejectionist titled "This Month In Queries" Then the director will say, "I've never read that play" and I'll be like, "Well, you should." Then I'll knock their socks off with my powerhouse rendition of Steve's British accent, win the role and soon you'll be performing your best posts at the Gershwin as a one woman show and later Gwyneth Paltrow will take over for you after 700 sold out performances. Good times.
I got a short about a gay fairy, with a fetish for corpses, that killed a werewolf with his fist.
Care to guess how? :)
I have a gay fairy book. No, really, I'm serious. I'm even writing a sequel right now. :-)
Speaking from the other side of the query issue, writers tend to suffer from queryosis. Not a pleasent syndrome, but one you should be aware of.
http://fantasycrapshoot.blogspot.com/2010/02/queryosis.html
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