In Which We Answer The Rhetorical Questions Posed By Your Queries

Have you ever wondered what your guardian angel has to tell you?

We have not ever even wondered if we HAVE a guardian angel, or how to locate this esteemed entity, but thank you for asking.

How would your life change if you discovered your Totem Animal?

We already know our Totem Animal; it's the seagull (loud, eats anything, likes the seashore, sort of awkward).

What if you were being chased by a crazed drug cartel through the jungles of South America?

Um, move to France, probably? Wow. You're right, we'll definitely have to think about that one.

Do you have the key to unlocking the secrets of other dimensions?

Oh, Author-friend, we have enough trouble navigating THIS dimension, but we appreciate your concern.

Do you want to inaugurate the New Year by meeting a literary character that can star in a series of potential chapter books that encourage her to find her true destiny as she is helped by a shaman and a werewolf?

No. We would, however, be super excited to have some more of the Secretary of the Navy's $200 champagne, with which to recall our New Year's Eve, if you have any.

Have you ever lost hold of reality?

Um, we are possibly not the person you should be asking this question.

What would you decide if the lives of millions depended on you but to save them would mean giving up your own life?

Depends on which millions. We don't like very many people, and we have a vastly inflated sense of our own importance, so we would probably go with mass destruction.

What would you do if you were told your whole life that your parents were murdered when you were just a baby, only to find out years later that their graves are are empty and the funeral was a hoax?

Shit! We would be PISSED!

What happens when a spark between two people leads to obsession, an unyielding desire that ultimately will destroy the lives of everyone involved and turn deepest love to darkest hate while sowing the seeds of vengeance?

Wait, what? Is this about gardening?

What happens when a group of morally loose drug-using twentysomething musicians decide to ditch their small town and take a last-second road trip?

A bunch of really dumb stuff we don't want to read about?

Have you ever wondered what would have happened if the flying saucer that landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 was part of an alien seeding project and there were alien fetuses on board that are currently being held by the U.S. Government?

Not really. We do like the X-Files. The early ones are SO SCARY, you remember that super creepy one where Scully finds that underground room full of lepers?

Will their plan stay a secret?

Shouldn't YOU know? It's YOUR book.

Why do we define our lives by our failures and shortcomings?

We actually define our life by a metastasizing collection of black faux-PVC leggings worn as pants and our new 1992 Cure Wish tour shirt, OMG THANK YOU UNIVERSE for leaving this delightful item for us to discover at Beacon's Closet.

How’re you doing, honey?

Fine. And now we REALLY don't want to read your book, douchebag.