In Which We Answer The Rhetorical Questions Posed By Your Queries
Monday, January 25, 2010
Have you ever wondered what your guardian angel has to tell you?
We have not ever even wondered if we HAVE a guardian angel, or how to locate this esteemed entity, but thank you for asking.
How would your life change if you discovered your Totem Animal?
We already know our Totem Animal; it's the seagull (loud, eats anything, likes the seashore, sort of awkward).
What if you were being chased by a crazed drug cartel through the jungles of South America?
Um, move to France, probably? Wow. You're right, we'll definitely have to think about that one.
Do you have the key to unlocking the secrets of other dimensions?
Oh, Author-friend, we have enough trouble navigating THIS dimension, but we appreciate your concern.
Do you want to inaugurate the New Year by meeting a literary character that can star in a series of potential chapter books that encourage her to find her true destiny as she is helped by a shaman and a werewolf?
No. We would, however, be super excited to have some more of the Secretary of the Navy's $200 champagne, with which to recall our New Year's Eve, if you have any.
Have you ever lost hold of reality?
Um, we are possibly not the person you should be asking this question.
What would you decide if the lives of millions depended on you but to save them would mean giving up your own life?
Depends on which millions. We don't like very many people, and we have a vastly inflated sense of our own importance, so we would probably go with mass destruction.
What would you do if you were told your whole life that your parents were murdered when you were just a baby, only to find out years later that their graves are are empty and the funeral was a hoax?
Shit! We would be PISSED!
What happens when a spark between two people leads to obsession, an unyielding desire that ultimately will destroy the lives of everyone involved and turn deepest love to darkest hate while sowing the seeds of vengeance?
Wait, what? Is this about gardening?
What happens when a group of morally loose drug-using twentysomething musicians decide to ditch their small town and take a last-second road trip?
A bunch of really dumb stuff we don't want to read about?
Have you ever wondered what would have happened if the flying saucer that landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 was part of an alien seeding project and there were alien fetuses on board that are currently being held by the U.S. Government?
Not really. We do like the X-Files. The early ones are SO SCARY, you remember that super creepy one where Scully finds that underground room full of lepers?
Will their plan stay a secret?
Shouldn't YOU know? It's YOUR book.
Why do we define our lives by our failures and shortcomings?
We actually define our life by a metastasizing collection of black faux-PVC leggings worn as pants and our new 1992 Cure Wish tour shirt, OMG THANK YOU UNIVERSE for leaving this delightful item for us to discover at Beacon's Closet.
How’re you doing, honey?
Fine. And now we REALLY don't want to read your book, douchebag.
Posts
This is made of awesome.
"Form Rejection" button getting a workout today, isn't it?
What happens when a spark between two people leads to obsession, an unyielding desire that ultimately will destroy the lives of everyone involved and turn deepest love to darkest hate while sowing the seeds of vengeance?
And the Jeopardy clue: Two characters in a romance novel find happiness after much drama has ensued.
Okay, can someone please hire me as a slush reader? I know that eventually the charm would wear off, but right now I could use a laugh. My job skills include a high dose of snark, balanced by an ability to overlook some stupid if there's actually a good story underneath.
Okay my last comment was mean, but if you wrote one of these, le Rejectionist is trying to tell you (in her special way) don't use questions in your query. You're supposed to be telling a story, not have your reader guess what it is about. I did the same thing in my first few queries and got the auto-reject as well.
My totem animal is the stegosaurus: slow, always noshing, barbed tail for occasional rage. Potentially extinct because of NY weather and sleepiness.
I can't believe they asked GENERAL KAEL to choose between self-sacrifice and mass destruction... The General steals BABIES, folks.
Note: Do not use rhetorical questions in query letters.
Yep, that'll do.
So Great!! thanks for the laugh!
What happens when a group of morally loose drug-using twentysomething musicians decide to ditch their small town and take a last-second road trip?
Hey, I was serious! What does happen? I was a morally tight non-drug-using teensomething non-musician that didn't ditch the small town for a last-second road trip (it was a well planned trip to college). SO what WOULD happen? IT was a real question...
Wrong place to ask?
Rhetorical questions serve two purposes:
1. Truth or Dare (high school version...with beer)
2. Provide Movie Trailer Voice-Over Dude with employment.
Outside of these highly specific circumstances they are best eschewed altogether.
Don’t know about you, but I’d sure as hell want to know what my guardian angel had to tell me if I was being chased by my Totem Animal’s flying saucer through the jungles of South America. At the very least I’d want a morally loose werewolf to ride the hell out of there (while sowing the seeds of vengeance).
Really, though, this post is frickin' brilliant.
"Shouldn't YOU know? It's YOUR book."
That would be my response to everything.
---
A seagull for Le R. A stegosaurus for Laura. Okay. I'll stick with the S animals and go with a snake. A snake doesn't have a set place on the totem, it just kind of coils around it at random. So I guess you could say I like to do my own thing, think outside the box-- er, totem pole, and I have no qualms about biting someone who threatens me.
~L
Are you sure that last one was a query? It sounded like a response to 'Steve's' personal ad.
*snort* Oh, this pleased me. I particularly like your totem and inflated self-opinion
My life has changed greatly since I discovered my totem animal is Gamera. Mostly coz I'm forced to keep kicking giant-monster butt. Rodan, I'm looking at you.
Rachel, I didn't think your comment was mean! I thought it was very clever.
Pretty sure my totem animal is a cat. Eat, sleep, do everyting MY way, why is nobody spoiling me?!? And my guardian angel is telling me to relax and have some peanut butter cups.
And, P.S., the whole morally-loose, drug using, twentysomething musicians going on a roadtrip thing? That's happening constantly, all over America. That's what morally-loose, drug using musicians DO.
(I have some friends who are musicians. Very talented. They're not professinal level, but they could be if they'd work at it. But work is hard and getting high is easy. They think success is just going to happen. /Rant.)
Scully with the lepers was pretty freaky, but the BEST X-files ever has to be The Fluke! Am I right?
I'm kinda concerned about the fate of the millions - what if they were millions of kitties?
I call dibs on a morally loose drug-using twentysomething musician for a Totem Animal.
The X-Files episode where the deformed brothers kept their mother strapped to a rolling board under the bead Freaked. Me. Out.
>What would you decide if the lives of millions depended on you but to save them would mean giving up your own life?
Oh, is your book the Bible?
I would probably do it, but first I would try to renegotiate the terms to spend another 50-or-so mortal years with my family.
Hahahah! Oh holy cow, Le Re. that is spectacular. I've come to realize that as a HS English teacher I think I'd be highly qualified to be an agent or agent's assistant. Sounds like about the same crap I'd get form my students. And since my job is likely to get cut, I might just have to move to the NY and pursue that career path.
And I too will stick with the S theme of totem animal. I'm a sloth. ;) Le R... you make my day, every day!
I'm still laughing. I'm lauging out loud at a Borders where the Seattle's Best drinkers are looking at me like I need to lay off the coffee. Sorry guys, I don't drink coffee. I'm here to write books and use their internet :P
Inner animal? My name's sake, lion. Yeah, I bite.
I respect those who complete a work and send off letters about it. They lack knowledge, which is easily remedied, but they possess courage which is harder to come by. I also salute those who comb through misspelled, grammar-free, rude, overblown, arrogant and occasionally crayon-written missives in search of something actually readable, so that the rest of us just have to go to the bookstore. Better you than me.
Having said all that, I cannot pass a rhetorical question without supplying a rhetorical answer...
Have you ever wondered what your guardian angel has to tell you?
No, but I wish he'd quit whispering every time I turn my back.
How would your life change if you discovered your Totem Animal?
Depends entirely on what I discovered him doing.
What if you were being chased by a crazed drug cartel through the jungles of South America?
Er... The whole cartel? I'd lead them into a jail cell, and that'd be the end of the War on Drugs.
Do you have the key to unlocking the secrets of other dimensions?
I thought you had it. Did you check your pockets? How about the night table, or the keyhook by the door? Sheesh. You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
Do you want to inaugurate the New Year by meeting a literary character that can star in a series of potential chapter books that encourage her to find her true destiny as she is helped by a shaman and a werewolf?
No, I want to inaugurate the new year by meeting a shaman and a werewolf who are good with children 'cause I'm not and whew! Some days...
Have you ever lost hold of reality?
I was already carrying your luggage, the spare tire and that thing your aunt gave us that we never really liked anyway. How the heck can I be expected to hold onto reality as well? Next time we go visit your family, YOU carry this stuff.
What would you decide if the lives of millions depended on you but to save them would mean giving up your own life?
I'd decide the planet's too crowded, and taking out a few million strangers would likely do more good than just taking out little ol' me.
What would you do if you were told your whole life that your parents were murdered when you were just a baby, only to find out years later that their graves are are empty and the funeral was a hoax?
You can bet I'd get a refund. Bloody funerals cost an arm and a leg now, and there's no way I'm paying $50K for a hoax.
What happens when a spark between two people leads to obsession, an unyielding desire that ultimately will destroy the lives of everyone involved and turn deepest love to darkest hate while sowing the seeds of vengeance?
Some idiot sets up a concession stand to sell tickets and popcorn.
What happens when a group of morally loose drug-using twentysomething musicians decide to ditch their small town and take a last-second road trip?
The small town breathes a collective sigh of relief and the property values go up.
Have you ever wondered what would have happened if the flying saucer that landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 was part of an alien seeding project and there were alien fetuses on board that are currently being held by the U.S. Government?
I did once, yes. Then I wondered what would happen if you tried to shred confetti. That led me to wonder why everyone at the local photocopier plant drives the same type of car, and why they chose February to be the short month. Also, is the plural of fetus really fetuses? Shouldn't it be fetii?
Will their plan stay a secret?
Why not? Victoria's did, and she made a fortune.
Why do we define our lives by our failures and shortcomings?
Because you have no self-esteem. And you can add this query to your list of failures and shortcomings.
How’re you doing, honey?
With bees. How are you doing yours?
... thank-you, and goodnight.
Oooh I love pissy answers to rhetorical questions.
Please, Le R., may we have some more?
Is anyone else remembering Mad Magazine right now? Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions...
Oh crap! Darl, did I hit the send button? Honey is Janet Reid, and bloke is Nathan Bransford.
Sooooo with Fawn! No rhetoricals for me either. This query business is hard work. I'm not even to that stage yet (second draft still :( ) and I'm freaked out by it.
I like to laugh. This made me laugh.
Therefore I like this.
I think this is my favorite blog post ever.
Do you ever wonder what you'd do if you laughed so hard you split your (Indy Colts p.j.) pants?
I can't decide which is my fave. I did have to clean Earl Grey off the computer after the seagull totem, so that must be it :)
I should not have found this as funny as I did.
Bad, bad Storyqueen.
(am still laughing.)
Aaaa! Ulysses those were brilliant too! :D
Okay, I've got some more for you.
How many roads must a man walk down before he'll admit that he's lost?
Why do fools fall in love and then feel compelled to sing about it?
To be or not to be?
What does become of the broken hearted?
And, most important of all, if Le R is going to marry all these people she's proposed to, are we invited to the wedding and will there be booze?
I am my own totem animal; no other creature is neurotic enough.
My heart breaks for the earnest, hardworking writers who have queried you. They don't deserve this.
Well Ellen, at least now we know who wrote at least one of those queries...
Wrong, AimeeLove. I've been happily represented by a wonderful agent for over seven years. It just pains me to see writers being abused.
Out of all the other blogs, yours is the funniest!
That seagle thing (loud, eats anything, likes the seashore, sort of awkward) is one of the funniest things I've read in a long, long time. Congratulations, madam.
What happens when a spark between two people leads to obsession, an unyielding desire that ultimately will destroy the lives of everyone involved and turn deepest love to darkest hate while sowing the seeds of vengeance?
Isn't this Hamlet?
Ellen, actually these are quite tame, and as with the “Would you die to save millions?” question, are more Le R poking fun at herself than anyone else. If you’d like some real trashing, read back a bit for the Deluge of Nutters post.
But I do hear what you’re saying, and I’ve often thought that someday my own attempts at queries will be posted on a blog just like this. Would I enjoy that? Not at all. But Le R wouldn’t have mentioned my name, and if I happened to see it, it’d sure help me out.
In fact, if given the choice between all of my work being seen by no one ever, or one of my blunders on a query being posted on a blog like this, and so actually help others get published, I’d go for door number two. And then go get seriously drunk.
In the end, though, this is Le R’s blog, and this is how assistants and slush readers like herself keep their sanity. They have to unload somewhere, and better here, where it’s safe, than talking mad shit at some Super-Fancy High Fullutent Literary Event.
You made some of those up, right? Right?
Have you ever imagined a world without rhetorical questions? :D
*ducks*
If green were blue, and red was yellow, what color would Tuesday be?
Don't think too hard on that one.
I just discovered this blog tonight. It's hilarious. Keep up the great job.
PS I really hate that my word verification CAPTCHA to post this comment was 'Cullen.'
Don't forget seagulls' habits of crapping on people at random but with such unerring accuracy there seems to be intent behind the defeca(c)tion.
We start with a question, because 90% of the 'how to write a query' books tell you to!
How do you feel about a question to evoke a memory of a feeling? ;-)
Found this off someone's comment on twitter. Never will visit here again and I recommend the same for other writers. Yes, it's said with some humor, but there's a mean edge to it all. A person who hides behind anonymity and calls writers names has a bleak future in publishing. BTW-- don't fuck with me. You can find my name.
Yes, surely there is no place for the Rejectionist in the gentle world of publishing, what with its lengthy history of coddling aspiring writers.
Coddling aspiring writers? I don't think so. Maybe critique groups, writer groups, etc might coddle and hand hold aspiring writer's hands, but that's about it in the world of publishing. Publishing is brutal. This is beyond brutal. Its down right cruel. Simply reject and move on. Of course, I could publish a blog post of rejection letters that unprofessional and not a single agent would accept that from writers.
But the agent is not more important than the writer. If they are, shut down their submissions.
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