2010 Is The Year of The Beast; Or, Updated Submission Guidelines
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
1. Do not fuck with the Assistant. Do not even THINK of fucking with the Assistant. Do not send the Agent emails insisting the Assistant has rejected you because s/he is a moron, is underage, cannot read, or could not recognize a work of Great Literature if someone hit her/him in the face with it. The Assistant is, in all probability, much smarter, much more widely read, and WAY cuter than you. Be polite.
2. Do not submit your book unless it is finished. By "finished" we mean "in this very moment of the here and now."
3. No one is fooled by obsequiousness in this office. But a little charm goes a loooooooong way.
4. The Assistant would prefer not to receive photographs of you: in the nude, on vacation, on your deathbed, next to a picture of an international supermodel/Leonardo DiCaprio with the suggestion that s/he should portray you in the film version of your life. The Assistant is also not interested in photographs of Princess Diana even if they prove JFK killed her, but thank you anyway.
5. Do not send the Assistant your tired, your poor, your huddled masses. The Assistant is not Ellis Island. The Assistant isn't interested unless it's GOOD.
6. It ain't the Assistant's fault no one is publishing you, honey.
7. FOR GOD'S SAKE USE A NORMAL FONT AND BY NORMAL WE DO NOT MEAN WINGDINGS
8. It is the Assistant's job to crush your dreams/spit on your hopes/make you cry pass good things on to the Agent. It is not the Assistant's job to tell you how to write a book, dole out the milk of human kindness, or hold your little Author-hands. Don't ask.
9. Certainly you may buck the conventions of the query letter if your work is too amazing/revolutionary/brilliant to be summarized. Why don't you also try applying for jobs without a résumé, using only your psychic powers. Let us know how that works out for you.
10. Don't write your query letter from the point of view of your main character. Just don't. It never works. Especially if your main character is a SERIAL KILLER CONFIDENTIAL TO THAT DUDE IF YOU EVER EMAIL US AGAIN WE ARE SENDING YOUR HOME ADDRESS TO THE POLICE.
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Hmmm...tell me how you really feel damn. If I was gay I would be sooo into you right now.
I just realized that "Steve" must be Queen Bavmorda.
This makes me happy.
Have you ever seen Adventures in Babysitting? There's something along the lines of never F with the babysitter. Good to know that's also true for assistants.
Ink ... LO(effing)L!
Le R ... oh yes, 2010 is going to be a stellar year, I can just feel it. Good luck with keeping your sanity, dear.
And if you really don't want THIS, I believe I provided return postage. Send it back, it's my only copy. I'm sure someone else will appreciate my memoir about my struggles to make it big as a topless trail rider, and yes, Angelina Jolie looks JUST LIKE ME.
It sounds like you are getting some awesome submissions to kick off 2010. I fear the competition. (p.s. can you give me that serial killer guy's number?)
I heart the assistant. It is always with great fondness that I remember a young woman named Lauren who wrote to tell me, "I loved your book and I'm passing it on to Huge NY Agent to read.
Alas, Huge New York Agent didn't feel the love. And Lauren went on to better things.
Given her taste and perspicacity,though, I suspect she now works for a guy named "Steve."
This list is a much more meaningful guide than the standard "we are looking for nonfiction proposals with a strong platform, while in fiction queries please include a word count."
However, are you suggesting that my substantial psychic powers will get me neither a promotion at work nor an agent in NYC? Choose your answer carefully or a cellulite curse be upon you.
No one who reads your blog would expect you could be terrified into submission by nude pictures of our larval-pale author bodies toned to perfection by sitting in front of computers all the livelong day, as you are made of sterner stuff.
"It's that damn Rejectionist! She's so hot right now!" - Mugatu
I love you. Really. In the nicest most respectful way possible.
I've just sent you my half-finished ms on a USB key dipped in chocolate. I'll give you a ring tomorrow to see what you think.
Hand pointing down, symbol for Scorpio, symbol for Cancer, shadow box [space] symbol for Aquarius, symbol for Scorpio, symbol for Cancer, shadow box, pencil pointing down and left.
(That, of course, is Hear hear! written in Wingdings.)
Once more I am amazed by the people on this planet. And not in a good way. :)
I am pyschically querying you right... now...
That post was F@%&'n awesome!!
Hilarious. However, regarding #4, my 5-yo son thinks I'm a dead ringer for Cinderella and I wouldn't even need to send her picture because who doesn't know what she looks like? Never mind that she's blond and I'm brunette -- I'm sure for the big bucks she'd be willing to dye it for the role. Happy 2010!
Cuter than me? I prefer to think of you as EQUALLY as cute as me, in that we would go out bar hopping and discuss fine books/ make dirty literary puns whilst adorable men-folks' heads explode from our wit/charm/gorgeousness/puns. Oscar Wilde enough for ya? Ha!
*crickets*
Maybe I've said too much.
Number nine is one for the ages.
You just sobered up from New Years Eve, didn't you?
Ok, so psychic powers are out.
But what if i use - wait for it - Jedi Powers? Eh? Eh?
Surely that's much cooler
Mysteriously, in spite of agents being like like GODS, a great deal of utter complete tosh gets published that then sells like 20 copies. I wonder if there's lots of good stuff - the light matter to the tosh's dark matter - that doesn't get published in compensation? Or is that too complicated.
Here's to a better economy in 2010--ie, more people back at their day jobs instead of creating crap that clogs up the Assistant's inbox.
Dang, know I shoulda got my psychic query in before December 31...
Crush dreams?
Nay, my prayers are answered. The scathing wit of Oscar Wilde and the fearsome mojo of B.A. Baracus dwell within thee.
I think somebody needs bran.
Thank you thank you thank you
I laughed. The people in McD's think I'm crazy as the news channel is discussing something about terrorists. LOL
I needed the laugh. Just got back to WA state which took 3 and a half days because of two flat tires, one on the New Year's Eve to New Years time slot.
**Has anyone ever tried to get ahold of any tire 24 hour service 20 miles from nowhere between 5 am and 10 am New Year's Day. Yeah. Can we say hangover?
I love the new guideliness and I think maybe you should send serial killer's address to police anyway just for putting you through it.
Happy 2010 Everyone
Ah, the joys of returning to work. New year, same ol' sh@t.
Your posts always make my day.
I love your tags: We hates it, yet we're here to help. Oh! The loving hand of correction!
If I were an agent, I’d have this done in bronze, nail it to my office door with huge spikes, and then drape it in rusted barbed wire, bent in the shape of Wingdings.
(I hope that wasn’t obsequious.)
I seriously want your job.
I had one of those weird in a twisty-wtf-omg-help! kind of day. I needed this! Thanks :)
Please stop posting pictures of me on your blog.
Thank you for once again lighting this dark and bitter cold winter with the spark of your humor. :)
*lolz* at Janet Reid.
I read a lot of short story slush for a lit journal. I feel your pain. I rejoice in your wrath.
You tell 'em!
Is that a still shot from the movie Willow? If it is, should I be really embarrassed for recognizing that? Madmartigan was my hero for at least a week in sixth grade. (Oh, who am I kidding, he's still my hero, even now that Val Kilmer is fifty years old).
Poor assistants. There isn't enough assistant love in the world.
Number 5 made me pee myself.
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