Just Wait Until You See Our Self-Help Book
Friday, December 4, 2009
We loves us some New Year's, Author-friends; it's our second-favorite holiday (after our birthday, obvs). We love fireworks, silly parties, champagne, running around at midnight shrieking, and we love, love, love making New Year's Resolutions. We write up an exhaustive list, type them out on fancy paper with our beloved seafoam green Coronado, tape them up on our wall, and forget about them immediately. Last year's resolutions are right next to our "No Mercy" stencil a few feet above our head as we type this, where they have been hanging for the last year, and we could not for the life of us tell you what they are (although "be less hateful" is an annual favorite, which is obviously working out for us really well).
So THIS year we decided to do something new. We are giving our Resolutions a dry run in the month of December, to test them out for the new year and make sure they're going to work out for us. Rather than lay about all month in a torpid state of boozy indolence, promising ourself that Next Year Will be Different, and then encountering the massive shock of industry and Turned-Over Leaves in the frigid early weeks of January, we are ON IT RIGHT NOW.
What does this have to do with you, little ones? Well, why don't you try it? For the next 20* days or so be VERY VERY FIRM. Let us say, hypothetically, you are planning to Resolve on writing every day next year, even if it's only for a little bit. What better month to commit to your Art than this one? If you can manage to write every day in December, a month notorious for its spectacular eruptions of familial crises, general meltdowns, and orgies of consumption,** then you can do it all next year, no probs. How about it, Author-friends? You with us?
IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS today we are feeling quite displeased with the voters of Switzerland and the state of New York. KNOCK IT OFF, ASSHATS! In the immortal words of Rachel Zoe, that shit is literally, like, giving us a heart attack inside our body. GAH.
*You may have the week of the holiday you celebrate off, as a reward.
**You don't HAVE to buy a bunch of crap or eat a bunch of weird stuff, you know. Just saying.
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ASSHATS! Love it!
The NY senate's going to quickly follow up on this by rescinding women's suffrage and making slavery legal again. How many points lower is the average IQ in Albany than in Manhattan, anyway?
And go, Switzerland, because without minarets, there can be no global terrorism! You guys sure know how to be neutral; I remember the good old days during the Reformation when you were burning each other at the stake.
Oh, yeah: I'm totally with you on using December to test-drive our 2010 resolutions.
A test run is a very good idea! Have been looking for an excuse to muster discipline...
Scott, you clearly were unaware that the minaret is the new axis of evil. And who likes voting anyway? We don't. Making decisions is so tiresome when you're a lady!
Luckily I'm already perfect and so don't need Resolutions.
Oh, yeah, the arrogance thing. I'll work on it.
Everyone is welcome to come hang with me in the GBLT-marriage-friendly Commonwealth of Massachusetts, yo.
Okay, I'm in for a test-run of my resolutions. But not until TUESDAY, because Monday is MY BIRTHDAY and I do not intend to waste my birthday by "bettering" myself, no sir.
Everyone is invited to my blog on Monday to celebrate with me. Bring a poem. No, I'm not kidding.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Is that a marriage proposal? Hee, hee.
So, wait, I'm all alone now in the state of boozy indolence? I am torn between feeling abandoned and breaking out the really good booze, now that I have it all to myself.
The whole Swiss and French Muslim crisis is more than worrisome. What's next, pinning tiny Torahs on their jackets and tattooing numbers on their arms? Apparently Europe learned nothing from the Holocaust.
I'm disgusted now.
YAY!
Thanks for the shout-out against the bigoted morons of both our fair shores and the notoriously neutral inventors of the cuckoo clock.
On Monday I burst out with "I F&^%ing HATE Switzerland!"
To which my oblivious husband replied, "Why? You love cheese."
I filled him in and he is all aboard with the stupid and prejudicial asshat theory.
Just saying.
litdiva.blogspot.com
Be less hateful...that is a bad, VERY BAD, idea.
Okay, so what about those of us who already have a well-established routine of writing every day, even when we are on our deathbeds, as one of us did this past week? Hmm? We would like a different challenge. THANKS.
Dear Lydia, QUIT DRINKING. HA HA HA HA
Le R: Your recommendation to Lydia is precisely why I eschew self-help in any form. Dreadful. Anathema to the written word.
Self-improvement through good habits. Ridiculous notion.
Having followed the course of Lydia's ailment through various blog commentary I posit the following: If she drank enough, she wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place. Alcohol is anti-viral as well as anti-bacterial.
I seldom fall ill, myself. And as you know, when I do I self-medicate with sake.
I can't do resolutions. I'm obsessive-compulsive. Resolutions take over my life and make me crazy (. . . er).
I've heard that minarets are perilous for donkeys. The donkeys climb up, but then cannot be induced to climb down and must either be pushed off or allowed to starve to death up there. (I have this on very good authority: I read it in a Terry Pratchett book.) Banning the building of minarets could therefore be seen as a pro-donkey legislation.
In fact, you could put up signs: Switzerland! Where asses rule!
Or just:
Neutrality my ass!
Wonderful! This affirms my personal resolution: Thanks but I was born just fine.
There's too much history about NYC and the Swiss not taking a stand on anything that now that they are, they are really missing the point.
No, try again. I really don't think you want to be cut off by default. Hee hee.
Since you have so many AWESOME new followers who might inadvertently get the wrong impression, I'm feeling the need for a disclaimer here. I REALLY DON'T DRINK MUCH AT ALL. I'm just a good ENABLER.
I'm afraid I don't drink enough.
The control freak side of me doesn't let the raving boozer side out very much.
I refuse to do New Year's Resolutions. I plan on suffering from buyer's remorse through most of January so I will be too busy.
Sigh. One more reason I'm not proud to live in New York state. Asshats is indeed the right term for the majority of our voters and elected officials.
I've already met the write-every-day resolution for a few years running. So I need something different. I resolve to lose 20 pounds on the Krispy Kreme diet (hey, it worked in Bruce Almighty :)
No resolutions for me. Not publicly anyway. :-D
So, for the holidays, I can't make cheesecakes from scratch? :-D
And as for Switzerland and New York. Wow. I always say that reality is more frightening than anything I could ever hope to write! 8-/
Rejectionist, darling, if you will have me, I will research the available bigamy options...
I love the test drive idea! ;) I'm going to go for a) exercise ever, and b) the writing thing!
Also, the Swiss and upstate New Yorkers are making me cry :(.
I'll go for the writing one, though I am terribly behind already seeing as it's the 12th...meh, no matter.
Onward and upward! (With word count that is.)
I'm reading your blog backwards (or ass-backwards, as it were), so I just got here today, the 27th, which makes keeping one's resolutions for December much easier.
Actually I make the same resolution every year: To make no resolutions. It gives me the unique honor of breaking my resolutions before anyone else.
I haven't been drinking much at all, but I do feel compelled to grab some whiskey and ride a donkey up the nearest minaret, singing the gay love poems of Rumi.
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