FRIDAY: Or, This Week In Queries, Which You Should Definitely Be Holding Off On Sending Until January, Just Saying, But Whatever, It's Your Funeral
Friday, December 18, 2009
Total queries: 87 (slow week! everyone is in a food coma!), form rejections: 83, requests for fulls: 4, girls next door with astonishingly firm breasts: 3, semi-autobiographical novels based on badly ended relationships: 17, evil Russian scientists: 4, mangst novels (that would be man+angst): 13 (!!! what, did you fellows have a bad week, or something? Jesus, have a cocktail and buck up a little), super-nice personal rejections with useful commentary for manuscripts previously requested: 5, manuscripts featuring "pure evil": 2, manuscripts that are "Twilight meets Don Quixote": 1, authors who have been languishing in "Steve's" to-read pile for, er, Some Time: 7 (sorry! hang in there!), authors who have told us that our emails are "keeping hope alive in their hearts": 1, manuscripts that are, like, blowing out the left hemisphere of our brain with their awesome: 1, representation offered by "Steve" to authors of manuscripts that are, like, blowing out the left hemisphere of our brain with their awesome: 1 (and WE ARE SO EXCITED ABOUT IT PICK "STEVE" AUTHOR-FRIEND PICK "STEVE" PICK "STEVE" PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW GOOD YOUR BOOK IS DO YOU? IT'S SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WE TOLD "STEVE" WE WANT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS???? PLEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE PICK "STEVE" PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!).
On an unrelated note, "Steve" brought his son to work this morning, and it is pretty much a barrel of puppies watching someone negotiating a contract over the phone with a four-year-old dressed as Batman hanging off his leg shrieking WHERE IS MY JUICE I WANT TO SIT IN THE SPINNY CHAIR. Which is kind of what we want from today also, come to think of it.
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I just have to say, your posts are one of the highlights of my day when they appear in my google reader. Informative, yet filled with awesome. Thanks for giving me my first smile of the day. Let's hope it's not the last.
Good luck with those manuscripts!
God Bless this Blog. I don't when I've ever laughed so hard.
I have been where "Steve" is. Not, that is, hoping the author of the most bestest novel in the modern era picks me but rather the screaming four year old peppering the negotiations with demands for juice and attention.
Send Steve here:
http://www.pbskids.org
And turn the little whippersnapper loose. Expect to pay later in wild behavior and demands for computer games for a week, but for the next couple of hours it will buy a fragile peace.
Does "Steve" not know about the power of iPods with video? If I have to be even the slightest bit professional on the phone with my 2.5-year-old in the room... well, darned if it isn't time for some Muppet YouTube videos.
LOL! I love your rendition of the miniature Batman. Sounds like home.
Glad you found one mind blowing gem in the slush!
It feels my wee heart w/ joy whenever you get so excited over an author!! :D Here's hoping you get your Christmas wish!
Also, your query run downs make my week about x10 more awesome :). Thanks you!
I am waiting till after the Holidays to send out my current wip. I'm not crazy.
It might be hard to believe...but I sort of miss the 4-year old, screaming Batman phase. I would trade that with the anti-social, you are sooo not a cool mom, why are you ruining my life, newly teen phase anyday.
Just the other day he was flying around the house in his underwear, with a towel fastened around his neck with a chip-clip...oh wait. That was me.
Well, it has been a rough week. Thanks for your permission to have a cocktail. I was thinking it was a bit to early for a martini, but now you've given the go-ahead, I'm off to see if the local bar offers steak-and-eggs-and-booze. Cheers!
Wait until after the holidays to send out a query? Woohoo! Now I don't feel so bad for slacking off. :) I shall say that you gave me permission.
I like to see you get so excited over an author too. Can you perhaps give us an idea of the genre of the author you're hoping to receive for Christmas?
@marsha I know exactly what you mean. Hang in there. My daughter and I had a few turbulent years but she is settling now and things are easier and my son has let me hug him again. He'd pretty much quit at five cuz his dad said it was a sissy thing to do (Yep the divorce was recently finalized). I've spent years being the uncool mom but when they come back from the dark side it is all worth it.
In the meantime, I garner lots of good stories for my books :D
Anyways, thanks for the upbeat post and so everyone knows, all agents have pretty much said wait until after new year. Unless of course you have that absolutely perfect query letter that will make them go "pick steve" etc :P
Merry Christmas!
I love this blog. My three year old is crawling on the floor right now in a Spider-Man costume.
*sigh*
At this very moment I'm sitting in my spinny chair, drinking my fifth Irish Coffee of the morning, and writing my latest query letter.
You'll have it in about an hour. };->
Enjoy your weekend.
(Go "Steve"!!!)
Looks like you had fun today. :)
This is the last weekend before C-Day and I actually had this thought cross my mind at work today, "Will I get fired if I punch a midget?", Barbie-like smile plastered to my face the whole time.
The answer is yes, I would get fired, but I think the true question I was asking myself was, "Do I care?"
By the time I realized, no, I really don't care, said cranky midget had already left in a huff.
In case anyone is unclear: THE CUSTOMER IS NOT ALWAYS RIGHT.
Cheers
The customer is only always right if I'm the customer. I put it at about 30/70 the rest of the time.
I don't recall that I've ever commented here, but I lurk like a fiend. I just had to de-cloak for a moment to tell you how hard I laughed at your post today. And Uncle Gus had me in the mood for Irish coffee until I clicked Lydia's link and realized that while I am out of whiskey, I DO have eggnog. And bourbon. And am not at work and have no accountability for small children, animals, or heavy machinery. Unless you count the vacuum, and I don't. So, off to NOT write a query, and have a liquid lunch. And hoping you get your author for Christmas! Lucky, lucky author!
Oh, sure. When it's a four year old it's okay, but when I show up dressed as Batman and hang off the agent's leg shrieking WHERE IS MY BOOK DEAL I WANT TO SIT IN THE SPINNY CHAIR I get a restraining order as thanks. Way to send mixed messages!
What is so wrong with that anyway? I really like spinny chairs.
Mmmkay, I'm just going to go ahead and admit that I laughed so hard that I am now cleaning up my screen.
I will never drink coffee and read this blog again. Ever.
Not even if my coffee is more Bailey's than not, and I am *definitely* loving my spinny chair right now. Just sayin' ;)
You're made of awesome, lady. Dig it!
Are all your posts made of awesome?? Seriously, you are personally responsible for a large fraction of my laughs this week.
The rest belong to my own single-digit-year-olds, who provide lots of free laughs, along with requests for juice boxes, puffles and explanations for the inner workings of black holes.
If I knew who Steve was I might send a query (after the holiday of course.)
You're awesome, this post is awesome, your whole blog is awesome(!), but seeing you so excited about a manuscript is the greatest awesomeness of all! [big smile]
Ah, no query from me (at least for some *good* time). Thought it'd be good news, considering holidays and all, heh.
Rejectionist, I just want to say that your pleading for the anonymous author to choose Steve because her book is so fucking awesome is the most hopeful and inspiring thing I've read all year.
My goal for 2010 is for an assistant to be that excited about my book.
Am I in denial if I just ignore the 83 rejections?
Thanks for another hilarious post! I hope you get your author for Christmas!
I have no small children to demand rides in the spinny chair, but this morning my kitten climbed into the refrigerator, settled herself behind the orange juice and refused to come out.
I love your week-in-query posts. And I'm excited to hear that there are awesome new unpublished books out there. (I am also saved from envy by my current lack of writerly ambition--which might have something to do with having several spinny-chair beggars in my care.)
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