SPECIAL CONTEST ACTIVITY
Monday, November 2, 2009
In the wake of the BATSHIT AWESOMENESS of the comments section last week, we are pleased to offer YOU, our dearly beloved Author-friends, an Official Rejectionist Death Match of Wittery.
YOUR CHALLENGE: Come up with THE MOST AMAZING Form Rejection in the History of the Universe.
THE RULES:
1.Your entry must be posted in the comments section of THIS POST by FIVE P.M. FRIDAY.
2. You may only enter once. ONCE.
3. Your form rejection must be amazing.
4. We will not impose a Length Guideline but please remember: Brevity is the Soul of Wit.
5. Your form rejection must be triple-spaced in ten-point Courier only, accompanied by a CV (ONLY International Standard Business Format will be accepted; ALL OTHER ENTRIES WILL BE DELETED); include a SASE with 3.75 46-cent stamps affixed .25 cm from all margins; all bribes must correspond with Greenwich Mean Time treaty regulations; only bourbons will be accepted; your entry must be carbon-copied in quadruplicate with additional forms available through the Submissions page of our auxiliary website. Hee hee. Maybe we want to be an agent someday after all.
Extra points will be awarded to entries that rhyme and/or incorporate zombies, werewolves, and super-foxy assistants to literary agents. But you know what they say: if you have true genius, you don't need to worry about conventions.
THE JUDGES: Us. Obvs. If we can't make up our mind we will enlist the assistance of our dear friend Chérie L'Ecrivain and our Support Team.
THE PRIZES: The author/ess of THE MOST AMAZING Form Rejection in the History of the Universe will receive the following:
1. Power, glory, potential conquering of global and domestic markets.
2. Our admiration and approval.
3. Exhaustive written evaluation (by us) of your choice of either your query letter or the first five pages of your manuscript WHICH WILL NOT RESULT IN US PASSING EITHER OF THOSE ITEMS ON TO "STEVE" NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE BECAUSE WE ARE ANNNNONNNNNYYYMOUUUSSSSSSS. But we are very good at giving useful feedback, promise.
4. We will also mail you a Book or possibly a Hotly Coveted Galley chosen at random from our immense library, or maybe bake you a treat if our landlady ever fixes the oven and we are feeling industrious. Or maybe BOTH if you are very lucky and we have gotten paid recently and can thus afford baking supplies and postage.
REMEMBER: FORM REJECTION. ONE ENTRY ONLY. IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS POST. FIVE P.M. FRIDAY. MAKE AWESOME. MAKE US PROUD. The winner will be announced MONDAY NOVEMBER 9.
Posts
Thank you very much for sending this for our consideration. Due to the number of submissions we receive, we are unable to comment on the work. Please realize that we appreciate (and even respect) your impulse to transmit this material, yet we are faced with the simple problem of too many submitters, not enough time to respond in detail to them all. If this response were seen from close up, it would include myriad analyses, concise suggestions, and conciliatory curlicues. However, thanks to the number of submissions we receive, we are only able to provide a macroresponse, one visible from somewhere very high above, and, up in the netherworlds where no winged creature born of bird can propel and sustain itself, our response, nearly embedded in earth far below, simply looks like two vertical/parallel lines of equal height connected by a swift diagonal from the head of the western line to the foot of the eastern one (ie, "N"), accompanied a few clicks eastward by a complementary-sized circle (ie, "O".)
Thank you. And good day.
We hates books with alcoholics, they make us hit the gin,
We hates books with sad musicians living in Brooklyn,
We hates books with lovelorn demons, that’s our idea of hell,
All we is looking for is a book what we can sell.
We had our hot assistant take a squiz at what you wrote,*
She tells us that it didn’t quite grab her by the throat,
So we is sorry precious, but this one’s not for us,
We hopes you won’t go throwing yourself under a bus.
* Am not sure if The Rejectionist is male of female.
Oop. Male OR female.
Thank you for your submission, which unfortunately didn’t make our cut. In our efforts to help writers improve their work, we have now implemented the following ranking system of submissions, suggested by Steve. We will tick the box of the applicable level.
o Level 5: Your work was so bad, the intern didn’t make it past your cover letter. We didn’t even recycle your paper, as it might somehow pollute future paper, and We are environmentally conscious, even though we still only take paper submissions.
o Level 4: Your manuscript was not double-spaced, tabbed, and in Times Roman, which is how We like it, so it wasn’t read.
o Level 3: We all laughed at your writing—thanks for the entertainment!
o Level 2: We all loved your writing, but the guy in marketing said no.
o Level 1: Everyone loved this, but this is publishing, and that means nothing.
Please note that we used your manuscript pages as either a doorstop, a lunch tray, or to level Steve’s desk, and only return this photocopied, barely legible rejection slip.
If this was a poetry submission: We do not take any responsibility for suicide attempts and consequent hospital stays.
Thanks for your submission! Those pages really help us prop the door.
Your writing shines so brightly that we are blind to its possibilities. Best of luck.
Dear Mr. Levi Johnston,
When we said we represented "erotica", that's not what we meant.
Best Wishes,
O artiste,
We have received the humble paper bearing your genius. Our awe was such that we instructed our interns to bathe their minds in its brilliance so that they may know true greatness. We grovel in thanks for the illumination and wonder your work has provided to our creeping and insignificant existences.
With heavy hearts, we admit we cannot hope to champion such genius as it deserves. With stinging regret and profound gratitude, we return your work to you in fervent hope that you soon find literary representation worthy of your supernal ability.
A thousand obeisances.
Dear Author,
LOL UR REJECTED.
Sincerely,
Agent
Whoa!
Were you serious or delirious when you sent us this missive?
I can honestly state that we are dismissive.
Your style lacks style; your form lacks form.
Your shot at fame is a fart in a dust storm.
I can has visual submission?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cassandrabrown/4069537196/
Dear ___________:
Is this a prank? I wasted ten minutes evaluating your "manuscript" that I could have devoted to the work of an actual writer. I suspect you are the type of person who thinks it's funny to step on a puppy's tail.
If you have any sort of conscience, you will send me $50 for my time and a letter of apology, which I will forward to the author whose work I should have been reading.
You really suck as a person.
Kind regards,
[Agent]
To whom it may concern,
If you are receiving this letter, it means that you have recently queried us with a manuscript submission, and we would like to assure you that a great deal of time and attention went into the submission, but ultimately it was not right for us.
Previously we have attempted to give feedback or encouragement to potential clients regarding their work, but what we have found is that it only encourages you to continue contacting us to debate the merits of our suggestions.
We've analyzed the feedback we've unwillingly received from our attempts to be helpful and honest, and found that you only wish to believe what ever it is that you already believe, regardless of industry input. With this in mind we've adapted our Form Rejection to reflect the use of the AuthorPlus system, a system designed with you, the author in mind. Please check whichever box you feel most adequately expresses the reason you were rejected.
()We only accept relatives as clients.
()We only accept celebrities as clients.
()We only accept mindless drek that diminishes the literary discourse of the country.
()We will not accept you because we are to liberal.
()We will not accept you because we are to conservative.
()We rejected your manuscript because we are perpetually drunk.
() We rejected your manuscript because you don't live in New York.
Thank you for considering us as an agency, and we hope you enjoy your AuthorPlus experience.
Dear Riter-human,
I'm in ur book rejectin ur skillz. Rite better nex time! Kthx.
Sincerely,
LOLpublishing
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission to The Rejectionist. I regret to inform you that I will not pursue representation--or your sexual offer/bribes--at this time. Sorry about the impersonal nature of this query, but, well, the fact is your name isn't worth remembering.
Oh, and rest assured, your book is like a vampire: sure to stand tall through its eternity of rejection.
Best Regards,
The Rejectionist
666 Hell Street
Your Back Door, NY 10010
Phone Number: (rejection hotline's # gets inserted here. not sure if you've ever heard of it, but its extremely funny)
P.S.--While I cannot accept your sexual bribe, I know of a few meetings you can go to for help.
Dear Sender,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately it did not meet our high standards for uniqueness, quality of writing, and general marketability. We as an agency are well-known for representing only the most talented writers,and as a result are very selective in who we choose to offer representation. We are very sorry to be passing on your project. We wish you the best of luck in your search for representation. Remember, one agency's trash is another's treasure.
Sincerely,
Bitch Slap, LLC.
I only wish I could enter the following, which is an ACTUAL rejection letter from a prestigious university review:
This is just to say
we have taken some plums
we found in our mailbox.
You were hoping they would be
yours. Forgive us,
others seemed
sweeter
or colder
more bold
or whatever.
I will instead offer the following suggested form letter:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a writer in
possession of a manuscript, must be in want of an agent. However little known the feelings or views of such an agent may be on his or her receipt of each query letter, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the unpublished, that the agent is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of these authors.
We're not your Mr. Darcy. So sorry.
May Poe forgive me:
Once upon my desktop crowded, I did squint thru vision clouded,
Over many a quaint and curious query of vampiric tomes galore,
While I perused, nearly numb, another tale of bloody scum,
Someone gently started rapping, rapping at my office door.
"'Tis my assistant," I declaimed, "the sexy vixen next door,
Only this, and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember the dreck some hack had rendered,
Another ugly Twilight fanfic shed its pages on the floor.
Eagerly I wished reprieve; - vainly I had sought to borrow
A cup of bourbon, a swallow - swallow for an editor -
For the bleary-eyed scribbler whom the writers loved to bore -
Nameless here for evermore.
"Enter, madam and entertain this weary drudge's tired brain,"
Her entrance filled me with fantastic tremors never felt before;
So that now, to still the trembling of my limbs, I sat repeating,
"'Tis some manuscript entreating markup by my fevered pen -
Some foul manuscript entreating markup by my fevered pen; -
Why this is, I dinnae ken."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Fox,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But I cannot take another horror romance for angsty teens,
And so I beg you take it out, take it out by any means.
Your tastes well understand I do - but always worse the next seems; -
'Til I can't contain my screams"
Deep into her cleavage peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But her presence was persistent, and her demeanor most resistant,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Zombie."
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Zombie?'
Merely this and nothing more.
Into my hands the manuscript, all my soul within me stripped
bare with hope of something somewhat different from before
`Surely,' said I, `surely this is something novel, boredom's surcease;
Let me see then, what therein is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
Zombies! I need nothing more!'
Open here I flung the folder, read, with many a flap and flutter,
In there rested a gruesome story of the grossest type of gore.
Not the least nod did it give to King or Straub but all Romero's genre;
But, with language of blood and brains, siezed this jaded editor -
Spread upon a blotter stained with coffee rings, this I adore -
Spread, and read, and nothing more.
Then this undead book beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By its graves and mortuaries, by the title that it bore,
"Though thy prose be dense and obscure, thou," I said, "art sure no Meyer.
Ghastly grim and eldrich story counted in the daily score -
Tell me what thy author's name is on the mail, what name it bore."
Quoth the Fox, "Pauly Shore."
Much I marvelled this ungainly fool to write his prose so plainly,
Though its words had little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was cursed with reading dross so promising, so poor -
"Alas," I wept into the sculptured bust of my wanted paramour,
"I cannot sell this Pauly Shore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "I cannot publish this gnarly stock and store.
Lest this conjure some unhappy sales, unmerciful disaster
Follow fast and follow faster till my house this burden bore -
Till the accounts of his work do red-line some far, fair bookstore,
and cost us evermore."
So though this work still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of desk and pen and pail;
Then upon the blotter stinking, I took myself to sadly inking
Rejection, rejection, thinking let this go, there will yet be more -
More grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, ravenous undead books of gore,
As I throw this one out the door.
Dear Author-Friend,
We hates it precious, we hatessss it.
Assistant to the Agent
Dear Writer
Thank you for the opportunity to review this work. Given the time limitations we find we must pass on many worthy projects that are not a good fit for us.
We wish you the best of luck in placing this manuscript elsewhere, preferably somewhere dark and moist.
sssss...Jeksh & Presh, LLC...sssss
Dear Sir:
I saw your MS come over the transom.
"To Steve," it said. "With love and then some."
The Rejectionist read it, and I am afraid
Its impact was not what you'd like to have made.
My Rejectionist lies in a bed bound with gauze
Attempted suicide, they tell me, its cause.
Thought you should know she's in critical condition.
Just in case this was a multiple submission.
So terribly alone now,
Steve
Dear "Writer",
Thank you so much for your most recent "book".
That you removed your head from out your ass
For the amount of time it must have took
To send here it to us, is quite a gas!
It's nice to see that you doth follow trends:
The wolves and vamps and zombies side by side,
It almost gave our minion here the bends.
'Twas so "original", we could have died.
Unfortunately, "Steve" would rather lick
The contents of a subway station floor
Than represent your "novel", filthy hick,
So we must show your putrid prose the door.
Perhaps it's time for you to fin'lly quit;
It's called a comma - do look into it!
Sincerely,
"Steve"'s Minion, aka Miss Bourbon Surprise 1987
This is NOT my entry (since I didn't write it), but it is a classic worthy of your eyes.
Most honorable Sir,
We perused your MS.
with boundless delight. And
we hurry to swear by our ancestors
we have never read any other
that equals its mastery.
Were we to publish your work,
we could never presume again on
our public and name
to print books of a standard
not up to yours.
For we cannot imagine
that the next ten thousand years
will offer its ectype.
We must therefore refuse
your work that shines as it were in the sky
and beg you a thousand times
to pardon our fault
which impairs but our own offices.
– Publishers
– from “A” by Louis Zukofsky
Dear Writer,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha snort ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA ha ha ha hah Ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha snort ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA ha ha ha hah Ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha ha ha ha ha snort ha ha ha ha ha HAAAA ha ha ha hah Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Kind regards,
A. Publishing Team
PS - Thank you for sending your manuscript. That is the best laugh we have had in a long time.
Dear Presumed Writer,
After reviewing your submission we have passed on your project for one of the following checked reasons:
A) Plot
B) Character Development
C) Structure
D) Originality
E) Grammar
F) Motivation
G) Lack of Tension
H) Indistinguishable Sense of Pace
I) Total Lack of Any Discernable Ideas
J) The Only Conflict Present Appears To Be Your Utter Lack of Understanding The Words Used In Every Description Undertaken To Replicate Any Human Event Experienced In Your Proposal.
If your submission has four or more checked reasons, we surmise English is probably not your primary language and we suggest you use a translator for your next project.
Yours Truly,
Al Passonthisen, Agent
Dear Mrs. Palin;
Thank you for your recent submission. As directed by our acquisitions dept, we have given your manuscript to the interns for their use in their communal lavatory. Unfortunately, your choice of paper doesn’t break down well and began to clog the sewer pipes. Therefore, we were forced to burn it as kindling.
Sincerely,
Editor X.
Dear Author,
We apologize for the eight-week delay in sending this response, however, our office was under siege by zombies. Zombies, as you know, enjoy the delicacy of brains, but they were not looking to consume the brains of our super-foxy assistant staff, rather they were using our office as a resource to discover the most developed minds, those querying authors with superior writing skills.
Since we receive thousands of submissions each month, the zombies had plenty of partials to go through, and after several days, we became accustomed to their presence. As they thumbed through the piles of paper on our desks, we sat back, relaxed and read Young Adult fantasy novels. They worked efficiently, taking only one or two breaks a day during which they would delight us with their vast knowledge of eighties music trivia.
When the zombies reached the bottom of the pile, they said their farewells, taking with them only those manuscripts with the greatest potential. Unfortunately for them, they only found three written by worthwhile brains. Fortunately for you, they left yours behind.
Since the zombies did not feel your work was strong enough, I’m afraid I cannot offer you representation at this time. The publishing industry is very subjective, so I urge you to query other agents, but heed this warning - the zombies told us they would be making the rounds.
Regards,
Steve
Dear Submitting Individual/Group:
As the long-suffering assistant to an eminent literary agent, it is my duty to extend our regrets that your submission is incompatible with our catalog of successful publications. Whether your work is so original that it has yet to find its niche or if you are simply a publishing pariah due to your astounding misuse of English syntax and convention, perhaps it is time to refocus your literary efforts.
Rather than subjecting ourselves to the tedium of critiquing individual QUACKS (Queries Understood to Act as Catalysts for Killing Spree), we have elected to condense this process by offering you the following suggestion(s) as they may apply to your manuscript:
_______ Your overwrought prose would be well-suited to the direst contraindication leaflets of the pharmaceutical industry, protecting wealthy corporations from liability whilst sparing the reading public at large from your exhausting melodrama.
_______ Your uneventful plot might be just the missive to bundle with nonprescription sleep aids to increase their efficacy, using your gift of unmitigated dullness to bring prosperity to the OTC market.
_______ The characters in your manuscript were so unrealistic that we suspect your work would be
appreciated more fully in your native galaxy.
_______ As a consolation gift, we enclose a year’s supply of apostrophes to aid in your mastery of
common contractions. Embrace these diminutive but powerful punctuation marks--they will aid agents and their assistance in the avoidance of suicidal intoxication in the face of your misapprehension that “your” is the proper contracted representation of the words “you are.”
_______ Your noble efforts at sentence structure and storyline indicate a promising future but
we feel that dividing your focus from your homework at such a tender age is unadvisable.
Perhaps when your grown-up teeth come in and you learn to ride a two-wheeler your writing style will have matured as well!
Thank you for affording us the opportunity to read your work. Despite your conscientiously included SASE, we elect to maintain our copy of your query and first five pages in hopes they will further our campaign for Amnesty International’s intervention on behalf of the cruelly mistreated and underpaid assistants of the publishing world.
Sincerely,
Rejectionist
To Whom It May Concern,
Thank you for your submission. We thought the premise of your [Thriller/Suspense/Romance
/YA/Commercial/Historical/Erotica/
Middle Grade] Fiction was promising.
Sadly, I'm afraid I [do not feel passionately enough/am not taking on new clients/am not excited enough/do not think the writing is strong enough/do not think I can sell this] to offer representation.
Best,
Steve
Dear ___:
After careful consideration, we identified a single virtue in your manuscript: that it eventually ended. Your writing is not merely bad, it is tragic. Most writers, however incompetent, occasionally stumble upon one felicitous phrase. Not you. You possess the reverse of talent. You embody the opposite of genius. If you were a stopped clock, you would not even be correct once a day.
Mystical Judaism teaches that, in every generation, thirty-six holy people live among us, hidden even from themselves. For the sake of these thirty-six righteous people, God preserves the world, even if the rest of humanity descends into horrific barbarism.
Your manuscript killed three of these hidden saints.
Ponder this, young grasshopper:
Could God ever write a book so terrible that no agent would ever want to represent it?
The answer is No. He's God, after all. Unfortunately, you are not God, and therefore don't have the marketing platform we are looking for with this kind of title.
Best of luck.
Dear [Insert Loser's Name Here],
I have received and reviewed your query for "[Name of god-awful waste of owl habitat which, praise Jesus, I only had to read the first 5 pages of]".
I regret to inform you that I will not be able to offer you representation for this piece. Of work.
Due to the many demands on my time working with authors I have chosen to actually interact with, I will not be able to tell you where to go with your manuscript in person, but I can offer the following generic observations based on my extensive experience with many other manuscripts similar to "[Loser's loserish name for the pile of kaka he has festering next to his bed in his mom's basement]".
First, remember that rejection is not, in spite of the entry at http://thesaurus.reference.com (try it some time, by the way), a "slap in the face," nor is it a "kick in the teeth." I prefer to think of is as a way to encourage you to hone your skills and improve your work through the process we call revision. If you would like more information on this process, I can put you in touch with Mrs. Theresa Franks, formerly my third grade teacher and now a writing consultant. She uses small words that writers such as yourself find easier to process.
Next, please consider submitting your manuscript to other agents. No, I'm not saying we can't still be friends, but I think perhaps it would be best if I represented other people and you played the field a bit. Better for you, better for me, and who knows? You might find Agent Right out there, and wouldn't it be a shame if she was out there and you missed her because you were pursuing a fruitless relationship with me?
Lastly, and I can't stress this enough, it is important that you not give up on "[Book title that sounds like it should be an expose on the sex life of Tibetan monks]." Many published writers started off with rejection and found it a character building experience. I'm sure that, if this piece is representative of your true talents, you have a great deal of character building in your future, and who wouldn't want that?
Thank you again for your query. Should you wish to resubmit "[Please, by all that is holy don't make me read any part of this again]" to me, please wait a minimum of three months and include the words "Previously Form-Letter Rejected Work Comin' Back At Ya" in the title of your email when you are ready to re-submit. My automated filters will be sure to move your new query to the proper trashcan. Folder, I mean folder.
Sincerely yours,
The Rejectionist
I feel an uncontrollable urge to fangirl Rachel Menard now.
*squee!*
Mr./Ms. _______:
Thank for your SUBMISSION/MIND-RAPING HORROR FROM DIMENSION X. After much consideration into your DRAFT/FOUR-HUNDRED THOUSAND WORD NONCON GURO LOLITA VORE EPIC, we have decided it DOES NOT MEET OUR NEEDS/VIOLATES BASIC HUMAN DECENCY. We hope you will SUBMIT TO US AGAIN/KILL YOURSELF.
SINCERELY,/DEAR GOD, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE A LITTLE GIRL?,
________
Dear Author,
Your ghetto zombie idea is phat
But the manuscript's somewhat flat.
Vampires must suck,
Zombies must NOT f*ck
Readers just don't roll like that.
The story was not unbearable
So don't cry or get all hysterical.
In spots it had merit
With our stick here's a carrot:
We think you are Publish Americal!
Best,
Steve and Company
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read your submission. Unfortunately, after careful review, we have decided that we might not be the best agency to represent your work. Generally, we prefer projects that are more hirsute, and have more bite to them, as it were. As you know, this industry is subjective. Tastes and opinions vary widely. Another dewy-eyed and succulent assistant might feel quite differently.
We wish you the best of luck finding representation for your project.
Sincerely,
The Agents
The W. Wolf Agency, LLC
[handwritten on the bottom] Some nice writing here, but not right for us. You may want to try the flesh-eaters over at Zombie & Assoc., Ltd, Inc. Good luck!
A manuscript found
with chance representation
rejected by us
I read the pages you sent that you assumed I would adore.
In your head you visioned me beckoning for more.
My eyes from never ceasing streaming tears and oh so sore.
But to tell the truth, your story read quite shitty.
Words were flat that I'm sure you thought were witty.
It was for people like you that I composed this ditty.
As tempting as it may be, I beg you send no more.
Because dear writer, this letter, it is form.
Dear Author:
No. Just...no.
Sincerely,
Steve The Agent
Dear Sir or Madam:
Please don't be offended. Your query's horrendous.
We can't understand why you'd bother to send us
a missive so deeply in need of an edit
we wanted to vomit as soon as we read it.
Its hook was insipid, its grammar revolting,
its font microscopic, its manner insulting,
its lies unconvincing, its structure confusing,
its efforts at comedy less than amusing.
We think that on average the writing is better
in comments on YouTube than inside your letter.
"No matter," we said to ourselves after retching,
"The novel itself may be perfectly fetching."
On reading your pages we promptly were greeted
with something a wallaby might have excreted:
a plot so moronic, a premise so weary,
and characters so unrelentingly dreary,
descriptions so lifeless, a setting so boring
that only our nausea kept us from snoring.
In short: if your book was a vaccine for cancer,
its margins inscribed with Life's Ultimate Answer,
and all other novels on Earth were rejected,
we're still pretty sure we would not have selected
this terrible, awful, impossibly hated,
unspeakably horrible thing you've created.
But thanks for submitting! We hope you'll consider
alternative ways to get published (like Twitter)!
Dear Author,
Never, never, never, never, never.
King Lear (V.iii)
Sincerely,
Publisher
Dear Author:
This manuscript smells like last Saturday's leftover brains.
Sincerely,
Zombie Agent
Dear Author,
We took the time to read your pages,
even though we’re paid slave wages.
We hesitate to say you suck,
so we’ll just say ‘pass’ and wish you luck.
One more thing we’d like to add,
Maybe your writing wouldn’t be quite so bad,
If you would but see the need,
to follow someone like Janet Reid.
(And stop smoking weed).
Regretfully Discontent,
The Super Foxy Assistant to
NYC’s Greatest Agent.
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I will have to pass on it because:
___your manuscript made me laugh and/or cry, but in all the wrong places.
___your manuscript made me projectile vomit on the subway, which explains the attached dry cleaning bill.
___your manuscript inspired my super-foxy assistant to quit her job at the agency and work on a skunk farm.
All best,
_________
We said AWESOME. Not RACIST. Don't make us turn the comment moderation back on.
Every Ghoul down in Boo-ville likes Zombies a lot…
But the Steve, who lived just North of Boo-ville, did not!
The Steve hated zombies! The whole zombie season!
Now please… ask us why, we quite know the reason.
It seems there was once a query quite right
But the novel itself was a disappointment, all right!
The Zombies had pompadours just a little too small
And heaped zombie adjectives up like a wall!
Yes, that was the reason he barfed on his tools!
And so he sat there a-reading and hating the Ghouls
Staring down from his office with a sour, Stevie frown
At the orange-lighted windows below in their town
For he knew every ghoul down in Boo-ville beneath
Was busy, just now, hanging a funeral wreath
"And they're hanging their costumes," he snarled through his beer
"Tomorrow they'll query, it's practically here!"
Then he growled, his red pencil nervously drumming,
"I must find a way to keep queries from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the ghoul girls and boys
Would start typing away on their bright Macintosh toys
And then they'd do something he liked least of all
The ghouls down in Boo-ville, the tall and the small,
Would all gather 'round for group therapy writing!
And yes, in each story, there would be zombie chaps biting!
Then he got an idea, an awful idea!
The Steve got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do," the Steve laughed in his throat
And he made a quick skeleton skull and a boat
"All I need is a paddle…" The Steve looked around,
But since paddles are scare there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Steve? No! The Steve simply said
"If I can't find a paddle, I'll make one instead."
His assistant, a Fox, he wrapped in black thread
And he tied a big board on top of her head.
Then he pulled on a black cloak, peered at his clock
Fetched up his assistant and pushed off from the dock
Then the Steve said "Ahoy!" and the boat started down
Toward the homes where the Ghouls lay a-snooze in their town
All the homes were dark, quiet flames filled the air
And the Ghouls were all dreaming dead dreams without flair
"This is stop number one," the old skeleton hissed
And he climbed to the roof, red pen in his fist
Then he slid down the chimney, like an arm through a sleeve
If Santa could do it, then so could the Steve
He never got stuck, not for a moment or three
(There was little to him but some old bones and one flea)
And the little Ghoul keyboards all sat in a row
"Those keyboards"," he grinned, "are the first things to go."
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile almost daft
Around the whole room, and he took every draft!
Zombies! And Vampires! Apocalypse drums!
Werewolves! And Chick Lit! Articulate bums!
Then he slunk to the cabinet. He took the plot feast!
He took the chapter titles and giant squid beast!
He cleaned out that cabinet as quick as a flash
Why, that Steve even took the last can of Ghoul-Rash!
And so Steve stole all the drafts, and he started to slash
When he heard a small sound like the kiss of a lash
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Ghoul
Little Cindy-Lou Ghoul, who was eating a stool!
The Steve had been caught by this little Ghoul hood
Who'd got out of bed for a bite of cool wood
She stared at the Steve and said "Skeleton, why?
Why are you cutting our manuscripts? Why?"
But you know that old Steve, he was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick
"Why, my sweet little rot," the fake skeleton lied,
"There's a verb in this draft that I just can't let slide.
So I'm taking it home to my study, my dear,
I'll edit it there, and then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. He patted her head
Then got her a drink and sent her to bed.
And the last thing that he did was to light up the fire
And he threw on every manuscript, oh what a pyre!
Then he did the same thing to the other Ghoul houses
Leaving ashes too small for the other Ghoul louses!
It was quarter past dawn… all the Ghouls still afloat
All the Ghouls still a-snooze when he packed up his boat
Packed it up with their hard drives! Their iPhones and wrappings!
Their post-it note memos! Their sketches and flappings!
Three thousand feet down, down the length of Lake Slumpit
He rowed and he rowed to the middle to dump it.
"Ha Ha to the Ghouls!" he was Steve-ishly humming
"They're finding out now that no stories will be coming!
Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two
Then the Ghouls down in Boo-ville will all cry Boo Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Steve, "that I really must hear!"
So he paused. And he put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the glow
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't mad! Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it was merry! Very!
He stared down at Boo-ville, the Steve popped his eyes
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Ghoul down in Boo-ville, the tall and the small,
Was typing! Without any stories at all!
He hadn't stopped the zombies from coming! They came!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!
And the Fox paddle stopped in the midst of a row
Steve puzzled and puzzled: "How could it be so?"
It came without outlines! Came without speech tags!
It came without realism, but, yes, yes, with great bee plagues!
And he puzzled three hours til his puzzler was sore
Then the Steve thought of something he hadn't before
"Maybe zombies," he thought, "don't just come from a bore
Maybe zombies, perhaps, are a little hardcore!"
Well, what happened then? Well, in Boo-ville they say
The Steve's in-box shrunk three sizes that day
And the minute his inbox shrunk right out of sight
The Steve sat back in his chair in the bright morning light
And he penned a form letter as black as the night
For just such a moment as this, quite right!
He penned it with venom and vitriol spite
So hoping you'll jump from a very great height.
Yes He, He Himself, signed the grim form
Because zombies, yes zombies, are only lukewarm.
That was in response to something we deleted, BTW, not to Dawn Simon or anyone above. Okey.
Dear dear,
Tally of voting booth:
We are passing. Forsooth.
Love,
Mom
Dear Universe,
Thank you for submitting your version of reality for our consideration. It is in many ways a compelling work, but unfortunately it does not meet our needs at this time. Good luck in submitting elsewhere.
Yours very sincerely,
This is a lot like dating.
It’s us, not you. It’s hard being
the foxy and selective assistant
of a wildly successful literary agent.
We do not request a second date or
the complete manuscript, for
we’re simply not a good match.
We do wish you luck finding your perfect match,
that special someone, most definitely out there,
even in the darkness of a cemetery, somewhere
underneath a full moon.
Dear Author,
I would like to inform you that, on the basis of the material you submitted, you are destined to become the next Big Name in the literary world.
I would also like to tell you that your work is groundbreaking, and is setting new standards of literary brilliance.
I would like to tell you that this is an immediate offer of representation.
I would like to.
But you aren't, your work isn't, and this is not.
Kind regards
Agent
Bravo Brian Buckley!!!
LOL @ Ink! And I'm thinking
Lots of really wonderful entries!
These are all absolutely hilarious. Major kudos.
Ink, you outdid yourself.
Golden leaves flutter
as they fall from autumn trees.
This is rejection.
Dear Author,
While your premise is intriguing, [Listen, you’re a really nice guy, but]I confess I must pass on your project [I’m just not that into you.]
However, taste is subjective [It’s not you, it’s me.] and I am sure another agent will respond differently [You’ll meet someone else.]
Ultimately, I just didn’t fall in love. [Ultimately, I just didn’t fall in love.]
All best,
The Rejectionist
Dear Writer;
In a pond of little ducks
There's always one that sucks
So if you're going to write erotica you need to go get more information
Thank you
Bevie, u rock that made me laugh so much!
Dear [mail_merge_field: NAME],
Thank you for encouraging us to remove our Agency's listing from Writer's Market.
Sincerely,
[mail_merge_field: AGENT_NAME]
* We assistants shouldn't have all the fun. So here, Dear Author, for your writing pleasure -- your very own do-it-yourself Mad Lib form rejection. Fill in the blanks and enjoy!
Dear (Proper Noun):*
Thank you for (verb ending in -ing) your (adjective) (name of book) for our review. After (adjective) consideration and much (verb ending in -ing), we regret to (verb) you that we must (verb) on this (adjective) project.
We (verb) for the use of a form (noun). However, the (number) queries we receive every (unit of time) makes it (adjective) for us to (verb) personally to each one.
Please (verb), this (noun) is (adverb) subjective. We (verb) you luck (verb ending in -ing) a (noun) for (name of book).
(Salutation),
The Rejectionist
Dear Writer,
We are told to reject every manuscript, except those that include: anthropomorphized mice or possums, butt-length hair, classic authors placed in modern society, references to mid-America as the 'real' America, or those manuscripts that are exactly 51,453 words. If you wish to resubmit with these guidelines in mind, we greatly encourage you to do so.
Best of Luck.
Dear Writer,
Just give up.
But publishing is such a subjective business and another agent may feel differently.
From,
Agent
Dear Would-be Author,
Sorry, but no.
Actually, we may not even be all that sorry.
Sincerely,
Dear Author,
I walked into the office the other day and our blonde, twenty-three year old, former stripper who now doubles as the agency intern was sitting cross-legged atop my desk. Her high heeled long lithe legs stretched down seductively and she winked a sly wink my way as I happened upon her awaiting my arrival. Her hands were planted firmly behind her shapely body on the desk’s level surface, pushing out her ample chest and as I approached, those full lips parted for her tongue to sweep from corner to corner.
Moving slowly in her direction, my hands went clammy... Oh by the way, I read your submission... It stinks! I’m busy now, don’t call back.
I. B. Redy, Agent
Hi Sweetie!
We thought your little story was so cute, but could you ask your [mommy/daddy] to send their manuscript when they get home?
Love,
Uncle Steve
Dear Aspiring Author,
We are sorry to say,
We are sad to report,
Your writing doesn’t read
As fiction of any sort.
It lacked a middle and an ending,
Strong characters and a story.
We found no conflict, no fire,
No theme, no glory.
We regret to be the ones
To put the wax beneath your wings,
But truly, what were you thinking?
So sorry if this stings.
Proverbially yours,
The Resistant Assistant
[A.A. never got this far. The customized stamp caught her eye. Upon magnified inspection the following message appeared in stylish but barely intelligible italicized Edwardian Script: We sits here and thinks you have the shits because this stinks. RA]
Dear Author Friend:
We hates prose purpler than Tinky Winky's skin
We throws it right into Steve's garbage bin
We hates characters named after Celebrity babies
THEY MAKES US FOAM AT THE MOUTH LIKE WE GOTS RABIES.
We hates zombies and demons and sparkly Vampire boys
They grate on us more than Alanis Morisette's voice
But don't take it personally, don't rip out your hairs
It's your story that we hates: not your writing- WE SWEARZ.
Love,
Foxy Assistant
P.S. OH AND IF YOU EVER ACCIDENTALLY ADDRESS ME AS NATHAN BRANSFORD AGAIN I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A BLUEGILL :)
Dear ____,
You must have accidentally hit "send" when you were dragging this to the recycle bin on your desktop. Please be assured we have corrected your mistake.
Sincerely,
First Prize: Brian Buckley.
Second Prize: Jill.
Dear Writer,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we do not feel it is right for us. The volume of submissions we receive prevents us from sending personalized responses, so please find enclosed a formula by which to determine the feedback we would like to offer you.
Feedback Formula:
X =
(number of adverbs in your story)/1000
+ (number of characters who, at any point in the story, sparkle)
- (number of full edits you performed on the story before submitting)
+ (number of descriptions of a character's already-established eye color that compare it to gemstones, e.g. sapphire, emerald, amethyst, topaz)
+ (number of the following phrases that appear in your query: "fiction novel," "sure best-seller," "would make a great movie," "my last hope before I quit writing and go back to dentistry full-time")
+ [(your word count minus 100,000)/10,000, or (70,000 minus your word count)/10,000, as appropriate]
- (your likeliness, on a scale of 1 to 5, of becoming murderous at the receipt of bad news)
If X equals:
1 or less - The timing was off for us! Not your fault! No one can predict these things! Another agent will surely love it to death!
2 to 3 - Manuscript shows promise, but might not be quite ready for publication. Or possibly it might be our taste in acquisitions. To be on the safe side, give it another edit and then submit to agents who are not us.
4 to 5 - Manuscript needs serious work. Possibly you could take some writing classes, or maybe you should just accept that the world needs dentists as well as writers.
6 or more - Manuscript is fanfiction. And not good fanfiction. Legally, it cannot be published, and ethically, we couldn't ask publishers to read it, anyway. They are people, too.
Sincerely,
Agent Steve, via Foxy Assistant
Dear Possessor of Brains,
We found your query tasty, but not in the way you meant. We've purged this agency of the miniscule brains that wouldn't have appreciated your query anyway. We've tried to contact publishers directly, but we're being shunned for some inedible reason. Consider this a rejection of your query, but please bring your brain in personally to discuss this.
The Zombie Formerly Known As Steve
P.S. Your book was meant to be for very young children, right? If not, you might want to keep your puny brain at home.
Dear "Writer,"
Don't quit your day job.
All the best,
Agent
Is the contest over now that EA chose the winner?
Nope.
good. EA was just sounding off for early faves. Of course pausing for emphasis before announcing reverently that *lora96* has won the Holy Grail of Batshit Awesomeness.
Jk.
Okay, who the hell am I kidding? I am sooo serious.
Dear Author,
Well, we WERE writing to thank you. We laughed through our tears! Your work was the best entertainment we've read for years.
Then we realized you were serious.
Sincerely,
Steve
(PS: No.)
Dear Writer,
As you are clearly immersed in the most benthic depths of the ocean of Culture, we are sure that you would be familiar with the work of the Persian mystic poet, Rumi. While we were not able to accept your MS, we hope that you will find the following instructional and comforting.
"Don't grieve for what doesn't come.
Some things that don't happen
Keep disasters from happening."
Yours,
"Steve."
Dear Would-Be Author,
Thank you for your submission to our agency. Your manuscript was a pleasure to read. You had strong characters, a driving plot, and a fluid style. Unfortunately, it is not the type of manuscript we represent. Our agency strives to stay with the current trends, and your novel was just too archaic. It lacked e-appeal for one or more of the following reasons:
• Your manuscript did not look good on the computer screen, therefore it will not be popular in electronic format.
• You do not already have a published novel that would be easy to convert to an ebook.
• You are not famous enough that someone would pay a large sum of money to carry your story around on their e-reader.
• Your novel will not sell enough copies that it would be worthwhile to provide it in electronic format as well as physical copies.
• You are unwilling to provide your novel to e-readers for free.
We apologize that you are not up-to-date enough to warrant representation. We suggest you try to work directly with a small independent publisher that has not yet modernized and still prints actual physical books. Good luck in your future endeavors (though we recommend you join the times if you truly want to be successful).
Sincerely,
Agent
EA-I am not worthy...I am not worthy! :)
my top 3 at first pass:
Brian Buckley
Rosemary
Scott Bailey
What ho Author!
Jolly good of you to send along your manuscript thingie, what?
Of course I couldn’t read it without downing one of Jeeves’ life-saving bracers, but even that didn’t do the trick. The old lemon remained clouded several hours after turning the last of your pages. So I handed over the bally thing to Jeeves, who has a head the size of a melon. His brow flickered upon reading the opening paragraph, which, I hesitate to say, boded ill for the rest of the work.
My judgment proved correct. After a detailed inspection of your material, Jeeves addressed me thus: ‘I fear sir, that it would be injudicious on my part to advise you to undertake the championing of this manuscript. The prose does not merit praise, and the treatment of the subject matter has clearly not taken into account the psychology of the individual.’
I offered it to Aunt Dahlia, but she had occupied herself with writing an editorial for her magazine Milady's Boudoir, to which I once contributed an article on ‘What the Well-dressed Man is Wearing’. You see, author old chap, I’ve written some tosh too, just like you brainy coves!
Fear not, author old boy, for this too shall pass, as Jeeves says. A stiff b and s is all you’ll need to recover.
Toodle-oo,
Bertram Wilberforce Wooster
Thank you for your submission. We were getting rather low on toilet paper in the noxious pit that is our outhouse, and the garden was in need of mulch. So you have solved our problem quite nicely.
However, the problem of your rancid prose cannot be helped short of mass conflagration somewhere in the vicinity of your writing space.
Please go away and never bother us again.
Okay, two weeks ago, I swore off contests because when I lose the contest, my sobbing and wailing and gnashing of teeth bothers my neighbors and they file complaints. So, I'm not entering - besides, I should wait at least 3 weeks before beaking my oath. But it's a fun topic, so I'm contributing.
Can I just say again how awesome the entries were. Awesome.
Okay:
Dear Author,
I love you.
Not your writing. I didn't read your writing. Why would I read your writing? It was your name: Dorothy. I always knew I would love a Dorothy, and there you were. Dorothy. The lucky Dorothy that I love.
Dorothy. It sings to me. It sings of apple blossoms and fresh chocolate cookies and your hand brushing against my thigh.
Not that it matters what you look like. Who cares what you look like? I know you. I know the beauty of your soul, the depth of your heart. Nothing else matters but to me but that, my love.
I bet your smoking hot, though. Are you smoking hot? Well, even if you're not smoking hot, my dear one, don't worry. There are always gyms, and, if necessary, a plastic surgeon or two.
Of course, you'll have to pay for that since I got fired from my job yesterday. Why? I'll tell you all about it, sweetlings, but in the meantime, don't worry about what you read in the papers. All those weapons belonged to a friend. I was trying to help out. I'm the good guy here.
I'm glad I got fired though. What a stupid job. Stupid boss, stupid office, stupid, dumb computer, stupid, dumb co-workers, and of course, those idiot writers. Bastards. Always whining about something.
Not you, of course, my darling. I know you have that little writing hobby, and I think it's adorable. Of course, you'll want to give that up to focus on me now, but once we move into my mother's basement (just for alittle while, until my lawyer can clear things with the CIA) she'll keep you so busy cleaning the house, you won't miss that little hobby. Of course, she says you're not good enough for me, but I always knew she'd say that if I ever got a girlfriend. But you'll spend so much time together, you'll become the best of friends.
I'm on my way to you, my darling. I won't tell you when; I want it to be a surprise. But one day soon, you'll look up, and that will be me, tapping on your window.
Your window. The window of my Dorothy.
Soon. Soon. We will be together. Forever.
Kisses, kisses, kisses, kisses, kisses and more kisses,
Me.
oh, wait.
It was supposed to be a FORM rejection.
Whoopsie.
Well, let's just say my non-entry WAS a form rejection.
This was fun. Thxs. :)
Dear Author,
Ahem.
Dear Author,
Thank you for the moment of comic relief. (I assume that was how you intended your submission to be received.)If in the future you would like to submit something actually intended for publication, please use this email address:
notsomuch@literaryslushpile.com
Best of luck in your writing.
Sincerely,
Agent
Dear Hopeful Submitter,
Please note our guidelines have
changed. As we are now only
interested in works with digital
media promise and we have no one
in our office with the time
to flesh out the details in those
projects with potential in that
arena, we are only
accepting manuscripts from
successful video game developers
or entertainment lawyers with at
least 5 wins in major Hollywood
trials. We suggest you seek
representation from someone with
those credentials, who will then
submit your work to us for an
additional 20% cut, at which
time we will look forward to
considering your manuscript based
on their platform. We are sure you
will see the ultimate benefit in
this progressive change destined
to benefit us all in the grand
scheme of the industry's desperate
grasp for longevity. For a more
detailed explanation, please
follow our Twitter feed.
All our best,
Rejectionist and Esteemed Production Crew
Friend,
Until now, we had not
Conceived of the
Kind of book
You submitted.
Our thoughts about the
Utility of your work listed herein.
Dear _______,
thank you for this opportunity to while away our copious spare time. COPIOUS! We're sure you spent a lot of time and effort on polishing up every word, every turn of phrase, every last anecdote until they all sparkled in your eyes.
Sadly, we suspect that you may be blind. Your purple prose reminds us of rotten eggplants. The trite metaphors are the everyday plastic baubles you'd find in every dollar store and not a string of diamonds from Tiffany's. We would rather eat our own feet than taste your version of delectable dialogue again; we bet they'd taste much better.
So it was with a heavy heart that we made your acquaintance, and you can imagine the champagne corks popping when we lick this envelope shut. When you get this letter, rest assured that your name shall never cross our minds again. We have well-paid therapists on hand to make sure of it.
We are taking up Canasta and ice fishing to fill our empty afternoons. We suggest you do the same, and forget that pen might ever be set upon paper, or fingertips to keyboards. It is the best outcome for you, for us, and certainly for the publishing industry at large.
Thank you for staying far, far away forevermore,
The Super-Foxy Assistant who sacrificed herself to save the Literary Agent.
Dear Out of Work Writer,
Thank you for showing us your lacking talent we had a good laugh.
After careful consideration of your submission by our entire Staff,
We regretfully must tell you that your writing is not up to par.
Our expectations are very high we have decided to raise the bar.
We are sure you believe in yourself and for that we are glad.
But unfortunately, if we took clients on like you, we would be very sad.
No publisher would take us seriously and we would be forced to close our doors.
Good luck with your manuscript. We hope you can use it to clean up the floors.
Sincerely,
Agents with a heart
Dear Author,
Our editors did inspect
your writing project.
With all due respect
we do regret
that we must reject.
Your piece was not perfect
for what we accept.
Don’t let this affect
your writing project.
What we reject
might be perfect
for another editor to accept.
Good luck with your project
with all due respect.
Love,
The Editors
Hey guy,
What the fuck?
Sincerely,
What the fuck?
Return To Sender
Thank you for your query letter.
Unfortunately, because you wrote your query as though your dog was sending it on your behalf to my dog (because you obviously thought it would be cute), and because my dog can neither read nor write, it was lost in the slush pile I call "dog's dish".
Dear Dreamer:
Sometimes Eskimos do buy ice,
And Brooklyn bridges can be sold,
But if we accepted your manuscript:
Now that'd be a wonder to behold.
So "no" is the answer you're being told.
Sincerely,
The Rejectionist
To the tune (more or less) of Evita:
You hoped for fortune and for fame
You don't know where to begin
but you thought I held the key to all you desire.
You put your heart in it!
I know what you're saying when you query me:
"I wrote this, I hope you love me."
But don't cry because I reject you!
I'm sorry!
I can't represent you.
But if you work hard enough,
and you don't stop trying,
I'm sure
someone else will
before you know it!
(I made a .wav file but I'm too lame to figure out how to post it anywhere, plus I'm running late for work. Alas.)
Dear sender:
Your submission has been rejected for one of the following reasons. See the checkmarked box(es) below.
Box A: It's not for us.
Box B: It's not for ANYONE.
Box C: It's not recognizable as any sort of written work, and it is possible that you accidentally sent in some sort of post-shredded hampster refuse.
or
Box D. We suspect you are batshit crazy.
If A, submit elsewhere.
If B (or A and B), start a new project.
If C (or A, B & C), don't bother starting any new project.
If D (or A,B,C & D), it probably doesn't matter what we say, as you've probably already sent another fifty submissions to us in the time it took us to reject this one. But, if we were incorrect and you are sane, cut it out.
Sincerely,
The Rejectionist
Dear “Author”,
Consider a career in Engineering! Your talents of articulation are exceptionally suited to a field that despises documentation.
Best regards,
Dear [Laughably Horrible "Author"],
Please take the time to read our terms of submission before spending ten dollars your hard-earned money on things that we did not want. Please refer to the [FIRST/SECOND/THIRD] bullet-point as we think it will clear up a lot for you.
[FIRST- "We wish only for the first ten pages of your manuscript to included in a small and relatively easily-opened Fed Ex envelope." This is one that is overlooked the most as people will send all 7,000 pages of their opus at the same time, flooding our offices with offal to the point where we believe that there is something called a "floor," although we have not seen it in years. In a way, the floor has become somewhat of a God-like presence in our small office. We can see it working, although we have not looked upon it in many-a-moon. In short, we are going to have to toss all 7,000 of your pages. Well, WE'RE not... our intern is. I heard he is getting closer every day to tunneling down to the carpet! Joyus day! I do hope that you send this sniveling bit of trite trash to [Hated, Warring Agency #1], [Hated, Warring Agency #2], or [Hated, Warring Agency #3], as they are in dire straits and have phoned me many times and have told me that they are looking for MORE 7,000 page manuscripts! These should be your primary targets.]
[SECOND - "We require a well-written and thoughtful ONE-PAGE query letter." As this is a form letter that is only meant to give off an illusion that we could care two-shits about you, or your manuscript -- we will say only that your query letter needed to be more than a sentence, and less than a treatise. Somewhere in between, you know, a happy medium. Like, oh, ONE-PAGE. Please refer to emboldened capitalizations with special emphasis from now on. From what I have heard [Hated, Warring Agency #1], [Hated, Warring Agency #2], and [Hated, Warring Agency #3] are more than happy to accept entire manuscripts based entirely off of a thirteen page (or more!) query letter, without ever having picked up the actual manuscript. I do recommend sending them your work poste-haste.]
[THIRD - "We are a literary agency that looks to represent authors -- both old and new in their academic and artistic pursuits." We here at the offices would like to emphasise some key words here that might have been overlooked or simply not read at all. We do not blame you however, your manuscript shows only a modicum of understanding of the english language and so it could have been misread, or simply not read at all. You tried your best and that's all that counts. Firstly, the word LITERARY in Mirriam-Webster's Dictionary defines this word as "of, relating to, or having the characteristics of humane learning or literature." We found your work to contain none of these things. Second, as I'm sure you may surmise, is the word "author." Stringing 1.5 million words together (more or less... these sorts of letters are left ambiguous so we may mail them off en masse) does not necessarily make you an author -- no matter what your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other may say. Don't let this letter discourage you from shoveling this cesspool to the countless numbers of other agents over the rest of the world. Hopefully they will be enticed and choose to represent you. May we recommend [Hated, Warring Agency #1], [Hated, Warring Agency #2], or even [Hated, Warring Agency #3] as possible places where you could march your literary trojan horse past their main gates.]
In closing, we here at Ken's Literary Agency wish to offer a word of advice to you: "Never, ever give up on any other literary agency... except this one." You have been blacklisted, anything else you send will be hung from the rafters in effigy and recycled as lining for my parrot's cage. Now go out there and waste other people's time!
Sincerely,
Ken the Agent.
Dear Author,
I read your submission with the interest of a dame at a red light, putting on lipstick while gazing into the rear view mirror.
Unfortunately your writing was like a blackjack to the side of the head in a dark alley. At times it made sense in a screwy mind numbing way. At other times it was incomprehensible, like a drunk at a bar in Soho reading from the back of a packet of sen sen.
I wish you all the best in a half-hearted go to hell and take your sorry excuse for a book with you sort of way.
Yours with as much sincerity as a cat burglar pleading the Fifth.
P. Marlowe
Dear Sir or Madam:
I see we've already given you more credit than you deserve for the attrociously indecipherable excuse for a manuscript sent to us.
You can neither be a Sir of ditinguished calibre nor a Madam of a house of ill repute. We honestly do not know how to peg you.
In your eyes your manuscript is positively gold. In ours it resembles a much darker colour contained in a pool of water inside a washroom facility.
I'm sure your mother and best friend loved it, they lie, they love you, we're being perfectly honest here, we don't love you.
Since whatever this thing is that you claim to be a manuscript shows us absolutely no reason to love it at all, why should we love you.
Its not like we're Ellen Degeneres or Oprah.
We're more like the church lady, and your manuscript is by
SATAN!
If you really want to love us, you have to stop trying to kill us with your poor grammar and sentence structure. Your characters don't even have names worth remembering.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, that's a name!
It wasn't romantic so you've lost a good 70% of the market.
It wasn't funny so there goes the rest.
It was non-fiction?
Could have fooled us.
A truck manual has more information than this text, and its mostly pictures.
With respect to your overly inflated ego, something like ballon boy's dad, we've decided you should be brought back to solid ground so we can slap your head.
There is no way on this planet that our agency is ever going to find a publisher for this garbage you've submitted for our perusal.
Having said that, you're unlikely to believe a word we have said.
Take a hint. We just said NO!
Seriously Brutal Agency
Reply to
fullofourselvesagenst@seriouslybrutal.com
Okay, and now I'm wildly fangirling K. M. Walton. That was awesome!
Choose Your Own Rejection
Dear Sir / Madam / Gentle Person / RE: Agent,
Thank you for sending us your
(a) Poorly written query
(b) Great query for a bad idea
(c) Complete 350,000 word manuscript of a modern day Gone With the Wind meets Twilight, packed in a cardboard box full of chocolate and gold doubloons.
Unfortunately, we will not be offering representation because
(a) We already have 7 similar zombie books in the works
(b) We're still laughing too hard. Yes, at you.
(c) We don't represent screenplays composed entirely of maudlin poetry and references to Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo
(d) We never accept anything, ever, and you should probably give up and shoot yourself after tonight's shift at Dunkin' Donuts.
Thank you for considering us, and please
(a) Requery after you've burned it and stolen a manuscript from a real writer
(b) Send more chocolate and doubloons
(c) Go to hell at the earliest possible convenience.
Sincerely,
EVERYBODY.
Or at least that's what it feels like, sometimes, to an unpublished writer in the query trenches.
Dear Author,
It's not you; it's me. I'm just not ready to commit to your work. It's not that your writing isn't adequate; I just didn't feel any chemistry--you know, a spark. I'd like to represent other works. Let's call it "taking a break." Spend the next year writing another book and submit it to me, and we'll see.
I'm sure you'll find someone else to agent you. You're a great catch, but just not for me. I'd like us to remain friends though (but only the kind of friends who talk to each other maybe once a year through form letters). Now that we're friends, perhaps you'd like to check out the list of books I represent, and help your friend earn a living.
Your friend,
Agent
Dear Author,
Thank you for choosing to submit your query to AgencyName.
Due to the enormous amount of queries received daily, combined with the other work that must be done at this agency, it is impossible for me to respond personally to every query that doesn't catch my interest.
Therefore, this rejection is not a personal attack, a devaluation of your writing ability, or a letter saying to give up on your dreams of being published. It is simply a reply to inform you that i will not be asking for further material or offering to represent you at this time.
Sincerely,
Agent
-----
This is what i'd want to see for a form rejection anyway...
Dear Wanna-Be-Writer,
We receive many high-quality submissions that we think could be best-sellers in today's market. Unfortunately, your manuscript was not among them.
Sincerely,
SuperAgent.
Manuscript Status: Rejection
Reason: (I'll check all that apply)
___ It sucked
___ It was so so
___ It isn't what we represent
___ You didn't follow the submission guidelines
___ You didn't write a query letter
___ You addressed the query letter to someone else
___ You addressed the query letter generically
___ Vampires are dead. (truly and metaphorically)
___ Something about your query letter or subject matter made me a little bit afraid of you.
___ I was into it until I googled you and found all your blog bitching about agent rejections.
___ It was good, but not great.
___ It was great, but not AWESOME
___ It was awesome, but I couldn't sell it right now.
Good luck.
Dear [Author],
Is this your idea of a joke? Please, God, tell me it is. My only response to such a travesty can be:
At first I was afraid,
I was petrified!
Kept thinkin' I couldn't really believe my eyes
Then I spent so many nights
Just thinkin' how you did so wrong
That I grew strong
And I tossed that ms with some tongs
But now you're back!
From cyberspace!
I can't believe you wrote me thrice
After that last rejection told you, "Cease!"
You should've changed that stupid plot
I should've blocked your ISP
If I’d have known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me
Go on now, go!
Walk out the door!
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with your outline
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and reply
Oh no, not I!
I will decline!
Oh, as long as I know how to write
I know I'll say "Denied!"
I've got all these books to read
Don't have time for you to give
And I'll decline,
I will decline, hey hey!
It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept tryin' hard to mend
These pieces of my broken mind
And I spent so many nights
Just feelin' sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my standards high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that agent in the Bronx
Who's so in love with you
And so you felt like droppin' it
And just expect me to say, "Keen!"
But now I'm savin' all my feedback
For someone who's got a zombie-werewolf theme
Go on now, go!
Walk out the door!
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with your outline
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and reply
Oh no, not I!
I will decline!
Oh, as long as I know how to write
I know I'll say "Denied!"
I've got all these books to read
Don't have time for you to give
So I will decline,
I will decline, oh...
Go on now, go!
Walk out the door!
Just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with your outline
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and reply
Oh no, not I!
I will decline!
Oh, as long as I know how to write
I know I'll say "Denied!"
I've got all these books to read
Don't have time for you to give
So I will decline,
I will decline
I will decline!
...If this wasn't a joke, then I strongly recommend you consider professional help. Perhaps Barbara Bauer or PublishAmerica can help you.
Sincerely,
The Rejectionist
P.S. Steve, if that was you, it really wasn't funny.
Dear Author,
That sucked. I don't have time to tell you why or how much it sucked, but it did suck.
However, this is a subjective business, so good luck finding someone who doesn't think it sucks.
Sincerely,
Agent
Dear Aspiring Author:
No.
Regards,
The Agent
Dear Author,
I'm sorry, but we are not accepting crack fiction at this time. Please understand we are not disparaging users of crack, we simply do not represent that genre.
If you sober up, and write in a genre that we think will be the new vampire, please feel free to submit to us again and our foxy assistant will surely read your manuscript, because she has a soft spot for recovering addicts. And zombies.
Regards,
The Rejectionit
Dear Author,
I may have been born a poor, fat white-boy in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I still know the difference between shit and Shinola. I'm sorry to say that it appears you don't.
I grew up as one of those kids that could fall on his back and still break his nose. As a matter of fact, my daddy always thought I would remain a virgin, but luckily for me, my little sister got kicked by a mule and couldn't run very fast on account of her busted leg.
Now, I'm not saying it was all bad, but being raised right down the street from Bill Clinton did present its challenges. He was a bully if every there was one. Without a doubt, he's the reason my asshole is the size of a manhole cover. Oh man, did he like to get after it, and not just with people mind you--even our chickens were nervous around Bill.
Uncle Albert used to come over and tell me what a pretty young man I was. It was nice to get a compliment from someone. But I wish he had found a different way to express his love than by touching me in my special place.
My therapist thinks that all this might have something to do with the fact that I drink a lot. I've really never seen it that way. Truthfully, some of the best times I have ever had were when I was drinking, or so I've been told. I remember the good times. Like those nights when several of my mom's friends would come over and open up a bottle of gin and play cards. I always made a few extra dollars during that game. I might have only been ten, but they loved to play hide the quarter with me. Aw, good times.
Anyway, way was I saying, oh yeah, about your proposal, I've pretty much decided that I'm not the agent for you, but just in case you're one of those types that would crawl buck naked through a briar patch to have me as your agent, let me make this absolutely clear.
No thank you, better luck elsewhere.
Sincerely
Sincerely,
Unfortunately we will not be progressing your submission further.
Thank you for typing it up.
Yours
The Caring Agent
Dear Author,
We at the monkrose agency were very interested to recieve your MS. However, the reading of the pages has had a negative effect on several of our slushbunnies.
tongues blackened and swollen, eyes bulging. One was found, after apparently a quick flick through on the way to the recycling bins in an unfortunate pose, legs-upward in a barrel. Death from some kind of unholy curse on your manuscript. Or poisoning. Most distressing, even if some of our staff are highly disposable.
Even as I type this, I hold in my other hand your weighty tome. Someting to do with a philosophy of comedy? It's rather bawdy, but I don't feel there's much to recommend it to the general public. And it smudges something awful on my fingers. With regret--
aaruugchhhhhh
Hey,
Nah.
Best,
Dear X,
Perhaps it will help you to know that if we HAD mistakenly agreed to represent you as a client, we would have immediately breached our contract, thus exposing all of us to unpleasant and expensive litigation. Isn't this way better?
Yours truly,
P.S.
I think you should run a contest for rejected candidate's rejection letters (with thanks to Jack Handey of the New Yorker):
Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a contract to publish my book.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting manuscripts, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.
Dear Author,
Thank you for your recent submission. With your best interest at heart, I must decline; I have never read a manuscript better suited for self publishing.
Best,
The Rejectionist
Jess Haines wins.
Hay Author,
lol that sucked.
urs,
Agent
I know I'm too late for entry, but this was too fun to not participate.
Dear Author:
Our submission guidelines have recently changed. As of November 1, 2009, we are accepting only publishable manuscripts. As this is a very subjective business, it is possible you will find another agency that feels differently. But we doubt it.
Best,
The Rejectionist
This is not a submission as the following was reported to be an actual rejection letter received by an author. I thought it deserved inclusion here.
Dear Sir:
We are returning the pages you sent us. Unfortunately, someone has written on them.
Sincerely,
(Name Withheld)
Since I'm too late to be in the running, and my entry will not be counted I figured I would reject my entry to the rejection entry.
Dear Zach:
I am sorry to inform you that you really suck, really suck. I know you had hopes of winning a contest on a blog, but you couldn't even get your entry in before the deadline. Perhaps you have emotional issues, and you waited this long on purpose, so you could lie to yourself and convince yourself they rejected it cause it was late. Not because you suck!
Come on let's be honest here you're a failure at life, and look I know it hurts to read this, but you did this, man. Don't blame me! You're the one who sucks, and you're the one who is a failure at life. For god sakes man you're writing a letter to yourself about how much you suck. You just said you were a failure at life, and you know what? I don't even feel sorry for you. I agree with you, or me. I'm sorry I can't be what I need to be.
I'm sorry I'm a failure, and I'm sorry if anybody wasted their time reading this.
Sincerely,
Zach the failure.
Wonderful Wonderful and Friday's over ----- so can I vote NOW????
Dear Writer:
Thank you for your recent submission. We apologize for the delay in responding. It appears that our intern was working late Friday evening, well past our normal 5pm deadline, in an attempt to complete her review of your submission.
Unfortunately, it appears she had some sort of an attack while reading your manuscript. The cleaning lady discovered her this morning, still at her desk. We hope the nice people at the Institute can help her. They say she is an Interesting Case.
Unfortunately, the lipstick smears and wet spots on this letter are not loving kisses from us but rather the result of our intern's face hitting her desk after her attack. Whether the wet spots are tears or drool, we cannot say.
Until our intern recovers, we must refrain from accepting you for representation. It is our attorney's opinion that there may be significant liability in publishing your work considering the impact it had on our intern.
Meanwhile, we wish you luck and will watch your future career with considerable interest.
Sincerely,
A. Publisher
Dear Author,
I thought I liked your manuscript.
Then I sobered up and realised I didn't.
Sorry about that.
Agent.
I vote for Sally.
Really loved them all. But I'd vote for GiGi even without a bribe.
.........dhole
Rejection Haiku
Rejected writers
should never give up writing.
In your case, please do!
GEM
Dear writer:
Thank you for sending us your work for consideration. Unfortunately, we do not represent puerile, meandering novels about whining drug-addicted losers. However, another agent might be drunk or crazy so the best of luck in your search.
All the best,
The Rejectionist
p.s. unless of course, this is a work of memoirs, in which case, please contact us right away.
Yeah. Nah.
Dear “Author”,
Thank you for submitting your heart and soul as fodder for our judgment. Although our dissatisfaction with your submission was immediate, as a courtesy we calendared this reply to occur five weeks after receipt to validate your hope that we’re actually reading your submission while creating the impression that we’re severely backlogged like all professional literary agents should be.
Your submission landed in our rejection pile much as a loose stool might fall from the backside of an ill dog. Unlike the aforementioned turd, your work did not land on a busy New York sidewalk. Instead, it landed on the desk of a busy college intern. It is my sad, and underpaid duty to inform you that we will not be representing your work. Please don’t let these words deter you. People don’t read as much as you think these days. Three weeks ago I learned that my boss doesn’t actually read the rejection letters I write, she merely skims the formatting to ensure that I have written a lengthy, decently formatted letter. Three paragraphs seem to do the trick.
Which brings us to paragraph three. So, uh, best of luck with the writing career. I wish I could like to offer a piece of laudable advice. It might be helpful if you could get published before you come to us to get published. It makes our job a whole lot easier to publish someone who is publishable.
Best regards,
Important Agency Limited
Dear (Author),
Thank you for resubmitting your manuscript.
However, as you would put it yourself, u stll can't wright dude,nad u still ca'tn spel
Cheers
(Publisher)
Dear (Author),
We are Pub West, a house of spirits, not Pub West the publishers. We loved your book though.
Cheers
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