Today's Quiz: Are You Batshit Crazy?
Monday, October 26, 2009
1. After a rejection, you generally
a. Rejection? Is that, like, when Z.Z. Packer accidentally spills her drink on you at your New Yorker party?
b. Have a couple of drinks, possibly weep if it’s been a particularly bad week, and read a bunch of cheesy genre novels.
c. Shrug, add it to the pile on your Rejection Spike and happily continue planning your outfits for your future author events. Clearly not everyone’s got taste.
d. Send out another mass email to the same three hundred agents because YOU WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOORS OF THE VAST CONSPIRACY THAT IS THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL AND DIVINE INSPIRATION.
2. A great day is
a. That MacArthur fellowship was pretty cool.
b. OMG two partial requests and a full BREAK OUT THE BOURBON!!!!!!!!
c. A day away from the computer after a super-productive week of twelve-hour writing days! Maybe a nice 18-mile run (gotta get ready for the marathon!) and a trip to a museum with your six special needs foster children!
d. Moving to the next astral plane after a busy five minutes outlining the fifteenth book in your illustrated series about an intergalactic warrior and his adventures in the pants of the hottest chicks in the universe.
3. “Voice” means
a. Enunciating clearly when you deliver your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
b. Something people should work really hard on, can you pass that cocktail please?
c. Why, are you referring to my novel written in the style of medieval French scribes, composed after a decade of full-time research?
d. The stentorian tones of Mirgul, Emperor of the galaxy Fredzon, as he narrates his history directly into your brain.
4. Your query letter
a. was Nicole Aragi calling you at home.
b. Yeah, yeah. Shut up already. I know it’s important. I GET BUSY.
c. is a work of art.
d. begins: Dear To Whom It May Concern Agent 100% BESTSELLER POTENTAIL GAURANTEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOUR RESPONSES
Mostly as: OMG, Junot Diaz reads our blog!!!!
Mostly bs: You are like our little kindred spirit. Kinda batshit, but with lovable moments. Hang in there. Go jogging or something, eat vegetables, maybe pick up a wholesome hobby. We hear yoga is helpful.
Mostly cs: Fuck you, showoff. Anyway, you're doing fine.
Mostly ds: Oh, sweetheart. There are people that can help you. THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT WORKING IN A FUCKING LITERARY AGENCY though, OKAY?
Posts
Gotta admit you had me at 2.d.
Besides, batshit's still good for gardening.
- Julie
i like how you assume everyone submitting IS batshit, just helping us determine here which KIND of batshit ;)
Choice 1(d) makes me believe that you, too, are getting queries from that guy about the abused woman composer?
I'm a mostly-b, but without the booze.
Hello, my name is Marsha. I am batshit crazy. At first it started only socially, then got out of control.
I have been guana free for a few months now...but the urge never really goes away.
Haha, what Moonrat said. At least I'm a "B" ;). I'll take it!
B is for BEST, y'all.
Similarly, C is for CHODE. Nobody likes showoffs or people who put things into "perspective." B is where all the cool people are at.
1) Answer = a. (version 2) - No one will spill anything on me at my New Yorker party. It will be perfect. (sidenote of the anecdotal sort = my wife strongarmed me into submitting a story to the New Yorker. And they haven't rejected it yet! Which means either a) it's actually made it through the hordes of slavering junior-rejectionist interns (mini-Kaels) into the hands of editors, or b) is printed up and posted on the walls so that everyone can have a good chuckle)
2) Answer = e. Genius grant, and nothing less. It would be nice, you know, to make it official.
3) Answer = e. Voice is the voice I narrate all my stories in, which is the voice of the Great Owl from the Secret of Nimh. Enough said.
4) Answer = e. My query letter, of course, will be written in the margins of the New Yorker issue I'll be headlisting. I mean, obviously.
Do we HAVE TO eat our vegetables? That amount of fiber is bound to make us bat--uhh--nevermind.
So, isn't just one partial enough of a reason for a celebration? I feel like I have low expectations suddenly.
I an in-betweener, as in the great King Nebulonicon, Supreme Big Mac and Head Unicorn Wrangler of Batshit 5, does speak to me through the toaster I sleep with, but I am smart enough not to mention it in public.
Oh, sh--
B, but with a bit more chemical enhancements (crutches- if you must).
Oh lordy... that made me laugh so hard. :) Luckily I'm only mildly bat shit. All Cs- with the drinks.
Did the query spammer hit you again?
Choice 1(d) makes me believe that you, too, are getting queries from that guy about the abused woman composer?
That guy was talking about me, for sure. ; )
Yes! I'm a b girl! :)
But what about those of us who control our Galaxy Emperor Mirgul habits with regular drinking? If heard through a haze of highly refined grain alcohol, he/it's better than an iPod.
I am a B because the B answers involved drinks. I will just pretend I didn't relate to the crap about crying.
yup I'm a B. YAY!
Yes, I get rejected. No, I am not an overachieving vegan pod person. Yes. I am batshit crazy and I say that loud and proud.
Tell me, please, who would tap away at a novel that may only be "pretty good" in the end, and hold out hope anyway if they were not crazy?
Accept it, people.
litdiva.blogspot.com
I, too, am all b but without the alcohol, which is the safer sort. Landlords turn the drunken b out of the foxglove's door, and it's cold outside.
My word verification word is lamob. Would that be L.A. mob or la mob? L.A. mob is scarier, but la mob does a better souffle.
Since I started reading this blog, the ratio of martini-to-posts-read has been slipping dangerously close to one for one. How dare you call me a kindred spirit as I happily, boozily answer all the questions "b" and then suggest yoga to me in the analysis.
And do olives count as vegetables?
And the week only just started...I'm predicting a stellar rant somewhere between now and Friday...
Olives are a fruit. That counts.
Yay for olives. Also, lemon and lime peels shaved into elegant little twists. And margaritas must be good for scurvy, a risk for writers who opt to write instead of eat.
I lean b. B is for bar...we should all meet for drinks. Or open our own bar. We could name it "Slush."
Oh, and Rejectionist? Love the Warhol rejection. Thanks.
Well I guess nobody likes me...mostly C's, but there again there's no accounting for taste. LOL
I know that you're blog post was meant to be funny and most of it was. I happen to have given birth to 5 children and have 2 that were born with special needs. I will never find that kind of humor funny. If you are lucky enough to have healthy children then maybe you should be a lot more respectful for those of us who were not as fortunate.
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