1. After a rejection, you generally
a. Rejection? Is that, like, when Z.Z. Packer accidentally spills her drink on you at your New Yorker party?
b. Have a couple of drinks, possibly weep if it’s been a particularly bad week, and read a bunch of cheesy genre novels.
c. Shrug, add it to the pile on your Rejection Spike and happily continue planning your outfits for your future author events. Clearly not everyone’s got taste.
d. Send out another mass email to the same three hundred agents because YOU WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOORS OF THE VAST CONSPIRACY THAT IS THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY THROUGH SHEER FORCE OF WILL AND DIVINE INSPIRATION.
2. A great day is
a. That MacArthur fellowship was pretty cool.
b. OMG two partial requests and a full BREAK OUT THE BOURBON!!!!!!!!
c. A day away from the computer after a super-productive week of twelve-hour writing days! Maybe a nice 18-mile run (gotta get ready for the marathon!) and a trip to a museum with your six special needs foster children!
d. Moving to the next astral plane after a busy five minutes outlining the fifteenth book in your illustrated series about an intergalactic warrior and his adventures in the pants of the hottest chicks in the universe.
3. “Voice” means
a. Enunciating clearly when you deliver your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
b. Something people should work really hard on, can you pass that cocktail please?
c. Why, are you referring to my novel written in the style of medieval French scribes, composed after a decade of full-time research?
d. The stentorian tones of Mirgul, Emperor of the galaxy Fredzon, as he narrates his history directly into your brain.
4. Your query letter
a. was Nicole Aragi calling you at home.
b. Yeah, yeah. Shut up already. I know it’s important. I GET BUSY.
c. is a work of art.
d. begins: Dear To Whom It May Concern Agent 100% BESTSELLER POTENTAIL GAURANTEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mostly as: OMG, Junot Diaz reads our blog!!!!
Mostly bs: You are like our little kindred spirit. Kinda batshit, but with lovable moments. Hang in there. Go jogging or something, eat vegetables, maybe pick up a wholesome hobby. We hear yoga is helpful.
Mostly cs: Fuck you, showoff. Anyway, you're doing fine.
Mostly ds: Oh, sweetheart. There are people that can help you. THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT WORKING IN A FUCKING LITERARY AGENCY though, OKAY?