Things People Like to Write About; Or, This Week is Already Off to a Bad Start
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Mystical transport, multiple dimensions, advanced beings, aliens that seeded the planet Earth with the human race and their subsequent romantic endeavors, demons demons demons demons, favorite prostitutes, time travel, time-traveling pirates, time-traveling aliens, time-traveling terrorists, porn stars, offspring of porn stars, mad Russian scientists ("Is there any other kind of Russian scientist?" says "Steve").
Okay also? Maybe you had this idea to make your query letter into a rhyming poem? And to start it with "Dear 'Steve,' Hiya hot stuff!!!!"? That's not actually a good idea.
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How about mad Russian time-travelling porn stars?
Sometimes I think you must be making up these query letters, but then I figure no, you're probably not. What rhymed with "stuff" though?
Dear Steve, Hiya, hot stuff!
You'll find my book is not just fluff.
You won't be able to get enough,
'cause my plot is great, though my meter's rough.
It's a best seller, guaranteed
about an alien porn star who's really teed
'cause he came to Earth to spread his seed
but the first place he stopped they stole his speed . . .
O's
And yes, I know there shouldn't be an apostrophe there, but how else am I going to get you to read plural Os instead of the mystical land of Os? Did I mention I'm not a morning person? And it's still before noon in Missouri?
. . . going away now . . .
Dear Loretta, OMG OMG OMG. We love you. Now our week is AWESOME.
What you don't like lovely evil demons? :P
Loretta you are seriously cool. Was this done as a time waster (at THE JOB) or a procrastination tool (to avoid the blank page)?
Bravo, Loretta.
Were the romantic endeavors between the aliens and the humans or the hybrid human/aliens? I'm thinking that could cause some serious conflict with an entirely new race/species of peoplish creatures trying to find acceptance in our world. That could really work. Especially since they couldn't control that their parents shacked up, but they have to live with the consequences. Nah. Maybe not. Back to my Al Qaeda book. (I hear they're hot right now.)
Ok, its on now! A rhyme-off! All right, I'm just bored...and I may be running a fever.
Dear Steve, Hiya Hot Stuff!
My novel is awesome, that’s no bluff.
It’s all about mad Russian terrorists, who transport
through dimensions of great import.
They capture demon pirates and their alien prostitutes,
forcing them to be porn stars and wear Wal-Mart swimsuits.
Give it a chance, you will see.
You’ll laugh so hard, it’ll make you pee.
An excerpt from the Book of Deeds:
"Ivan Rolyenkavich, Mad Russian Time Traveling Scientist Pornstar stood back to admire his work. Though a delicate, green tentacle had replaced his hand after the cross-dimensional battle with the infernaextraterrestrial Molochi the Malacopterygian, he still managed to heft his dildospanner in a thoughtful manner. He knew that the buxom, healthy body of Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin would appreciate the mechanical "additions" he had made. What writer would turn down grappling arms capable of crushing even the Mechaneditors of Titivillus IV? And he had been forced to install cantilevers to support the madly gyrating Bust Array and Hip Contrivance.
The eldritch lights of the timestreams overhead lit Ivan's face gibbously as he cavorted atop the roof of his ancient fortress. Activating the brilliantine salacioubrooch given to him by the Waarghbeings of the Outer Dark, he quickly teleported to the Egypto-Ugaritic Life-torque meters. Recovered from an alen race of lewd pyramid-builders, these huge brass turbines spit out gouts of steam as he threw the massive knife switch. Incredible arcs of crimson energy fountained into the body on the slab, the Bust Assembly spinning crazily. As life twitched through the ivory fingers, Ivan allowed himself a small raised eyebrow of self approval.
The eye-wrenching wonder stepped delicately away from Ivan's device, still sloughing halos of the orangey light of creation. Glancing lustily towards his glistening pectorals, she huskily whispered a single word: 'Hey.'"
Forgive meeeeeeee
Oh, Boogie Nights, you have scarred so many into thinking literature can come from porn...
Loretta just wrote the best. query. ever. If I were a less scrupulous writer, I would totally copy and paste that to the next 300 (cc'd, mass e-mails) that I send to agents like I forward pictures of kittens and spiritual marshmallow stories to my grandmother. Then, all I have to do is lay back and wait for the ms requests and representation offers to come pouring in. Seriously, though. Really, really, really loved the query.
OMG OMG OMG WE LOVE YOU ALL. ALL OF YOU. DID WE MENTION THE PART ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU. If we were an actual agent you would so all be our clients.
Guess you won't be needing this consolation whiskey after all those comments o' awesomeness up there. (no, seriously, you guys are freaking amazing!) It's all good, though. I'm sure I'll find SOMEONE who wants it. *guzzle* :) *wins*
Pass that bottle, Lydia. Come onnn, don't be stingy!
THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR US, LADIES
Who's bored at work? Uh, that would be me.
Steve, how ya doin there hot stuff?
My time-traveling aliens are so tough.
They spread all their seed
And smoke lots of weed
Now that's what best-sellers are made of.
RELAX ALREADY.
Apparently, my author-friend Dorraine Darden is giving it away free on her latest blog post. CHECK. IT. OUT.
Dear Steve, Hiya hot stuff
I bet you like it rough
But don't worry, sho 'nough
I'm never leaving no scuff
down on the baseboard scruff
but my heroine Melonie Duff
(time-travelling pornstar, nuff?)
is always doing it in the buff
She handles things mad Russian style
prostituin' demons all the while
while givin' you an 1840s smile
(don't tell her mad pirateboy Kyle)
The story's got an alien terrorist
and is written all mad editorialist
while the prose is always the scurviest
(I swear you can't tell the trees for the forest)
I know, Steve, you see it's worth
it totally seeded the planet Earth
with lots of mystical transport mirth
and, yeah, the villain's name is Dirth
(Dirth Diggler, if you must know
he totally puts on a great show)
So, Steve, I know you'll take my book
to multiple dimensions and the Nook
You're so totally an advanced being
If you say yes I'll so be peeing
I know, I know, it's a trip!
Thanks for reading my manuscipt.
WEEPING WITH DELIGHT
I cannot compete with virtual bottles and porn poem queries. May I offer a boob flash or some Mardi Gras beads?
I have to go revise tomorrow's blog -- I used a quote from a song by The Offspring and not actual offspring.
Dear dear,
Final tally of voting booth:
We are passing. Forsooth.
Love,
Mom
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