FRIDAY; Or, More Stuff You Probably Don't Want to Put in a Query Letter
Friday, September 25, 2009
"This query has been rejected by every agent and publisher I sent it to," "my book starts out not that exciting but if you are patient it gets better," "I have been trieing without sucess to get Published for 20yrs," "a comedic novel about a pedophile," "this is just like a regular book except with surrealism in it," "in the style of Henry Miller and Dan Brown," "based on my experience of dating a lot of women all of them were Lyeing and Cheats," "when God encounters the alien spacecraft in a celestial arena then the adventurers are rebooted online," "I know! It sounds like a bad idea, doesn't it? I think you'll find I pulled it off, though," AL-QAEDA AL-QAEDA AL-QAEDA AUGH AUGH AUGHHHHHHH.
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My book is terrible. That's why I know it will make a ton of money for us!
I think we writers need to take some courses on self-promotion. And, on the theme of learning from children, I shall offer the example of my two year old, who is quite clever enough to try and hide the fact that he had an accident in his underwear. This is good advice. If you have done the publishing equivalent of the underwear accident do NOT put it in the query letter. Brand-spanking-new undies, ALWAYS, is my motto. This applies to both boxers and briefs. My understanding of women's undergarments is from an exterior perspective only, so I won't deign to comment on them. But I'm guessing it holds true.
That blows all my best opening lines.
ha! those are some pretty bad openers
Comedic novel about a pedophile? Hmm, like Nabokov's Lolita?
I keep thinking you must be joking, but it must have been painful to spell like that. Did your finger tips start to bleed as your eyes melted? That's what happened to me just from reading them with my fingers on my keyboard. It was just like the ark of the covenant moment from Indiana Jones.
My verification word is "swumpla." I'm fairly sure that Dr. Suess already used that one. It's a kangaroo that lives in a swamp where it "jumplas." TGIF... TGIF.
"In the style of Henry Miller and Dan Brown" just made me forget everything unfavorable that happened to me this week.
Most women I know use a much less abrasive soap than Lye.
Stop! Stop! You are going to get me fired! I can't stop laughing out loud!
Love it - too funny
But if you didn't get these queries you wouldn't have anything to wake up in a cold sweat from. It's like American Idol for authors. Which one would be William Hung?
Darn it! I KNEW all the good lines were taken!!
Now I'll have to come up with my own "make sure I never get anywhere in this industry" line.
Goshdarnit...*wanders off, muttering to self*
OK, so which is a better opening line for my query -
"The chupacabra told me to query you. He says, "Hi! :)"
* or *
"Romancing Mr. Voldemort" is a light-hearted continuation of the Harry Potter books, the story of a winsome death-eater and her pasty lover. I'm sure the lawsuit will be settled in my favor prior to publication."
This makes me feel so much more optimistic in the face of those bleak query letter statistics. :)
Dear Travener, touche. The query-penner in question, alas for him, is not quite in the league of V-Nabs, however.
Dear Sammy, Yep.
Dear Ink, the general salutes you, sir. One of those third-graders was packing The Once and Future King, BTW. No jokes.
Whiskey. Now. Make it a double.
I have been trieing without sucess to get Published for 20yrs
My perfectionist eyes are still bleeding from that one. I understand that typos happen to the best of us, but why is "published" capitalized? Like it's been some sort of deified entity for the last 20 years...
Bless his or her heart.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Oh, good golly ...
At least that one was honest. "I know, it sounds terrible..."
Those are some pretty special ones... does anyone read the books out there about writing queries? Doesn't sound like it. At least these folks provide interesting fodder for the rest of us to laugh at!
Obviously you're one narrow-minded reader. These all sound fabulous to me. In fact, I'm planning to plagiarize several.
It is easier to survive an appalling three paragraph query than it is survive an appalling three hundred page manuscript. :::::passes the hard liquor:::::
It just shows, the whole process is the wrong way around. People should write query letters before they write their novels. Then kindly editors and agents could persuade the worst to start ostrich farms or start garage bands instead.
Graywave, that is a genius idea. Perhaps you could also apply that mind of yours to how to create world peace? (This is already a good step in that direction.)
Thanks for making my day! :)
LOL humor and therapy too--so comforting to the rejected masses out here--we can believe that no matter how bad our queries are, they're not THIS bad.
hahahahaha.... The sad thing is, those have all probably been used in query letters, haven't they?
I seriously wonder if those lines have actually been used before.
Why do we laugh at all these poor people? We all have impossible-to-fulfill ambitions and spend so many years hard at work, totally deluded, like pathetic characters in a Herzog film. It's probably easier to haul a steamboat over a mountain in the jungle than to transform blind ambition into the blinding white light of even the most meagre literary success? Let's not snark on toothless plastic sharks. We all need coaxing, cooing, and gentle nudging in the direction of humility. Otherwise, all we all's so very screwed.
Are you sure these aren't from the college freshmen in my writing classes???
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