Confidential to Anonymous; Or, Dark Secrets of the Publishing Industry Revealed!

1. The entire publishing industry is currently engaged in a collective conspiracy to prevent your novel from being published, ever. Yep. ENTIRE industry. YOUR novel. You heard us right.

2. You've been rejected by every agent you've queried because agents are morons who know nothing of Great Literature. Most agents have never actually even read a book. They got the Cliffs Notes for Twilight . Seriously. It's that bad.

3. People who choose to work in publishing hate good books. HATE 'em. Don't ever want to see a good book again. Don't want to have anything to do with bringing a good book into the world. Don't get giddy with joy when they open up something like, say, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and realize somebody has just blown away the entire universe of what was previously possible to do with a novel. People who choose to work in publishing, sometimes for FREE for YEARS, and certainly for very little money, no job security, no promise of any sort of reward or recognition, ever; all of those people HATE BOOKS. It's, like, staggering. Like, just the other day? "Steve" was all like, "Jesus! You know what I hate! REALLY AMAZING BOOKS THAT CHANGE THE WAY I LOOK AT THE WORLD! I sure hope nobody ever sends me any of those! I am just, so, like, totally sick of books! I'm going to go drink a bunch of Schlitz and watch drag racing! And kick it with my mad homies the Philistines!"

4. We form-reject you 'cause it makes our meager, pathetic, joyless little life that much better to know we've ruined your day. We're petty like that. When we spell your name wrong? It's not because it's the 147th email we've sent that morning. It's because we feel like twisting the knife.