Confidential to Anonymous; Or, Dark Secrets of the Publishing Industry Revealed!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
1. The entire publishing industry is currently engaged in a collective conspiracy to prevent your novel from being published, ever. Yep. ENTIRE industry. YOUR novel. You heard us right.
2. You've been rejected by every agent you've queried because agents are morons who know nothing of Great Literature. Most agents have never actually even read a book. They got the Cliffs Notes for Twilight . Seriously. It's that bad.
3. People who choose to work in publishing hate good books. HATE 'em. Don't ever want to see a good book again. Don't want to have anything to do with bringing a good book into the world. Don't get giddy with joy when they open up something like, say, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and realize somebody has just blown away the entire universe of what was previously possible to do with a novel. People who choose to work in publishing, sometimes for FREE for YEARS, and certainly for very little money, no job security, no promise of any sort of reward or recognition, ever; all of those people HATE BOOKS. It's, like, staggering. Like, just the other day? "Steve" was all like, "Jesus! You know what I hate! REALLY AMAZING BOOKS THAT CHANGE THE WAY I LOOK AT THE WORLD! I sure hope nobody ever sends me any of those! I am just, so, like, totally sick of books! I'm going to go drink a bunch of Schlitz and watch drag racing! And kick it with my mad homies the Philistines!"
4. We form-reject you 'cause it makes our meager, pathetic, joyless little life that much better to know we've ruined your day. We're petty like that. When we spell your name wrong? It's not because it's the 147th email we've sent that morning. It's because we feel like twisting the knife.
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lol - as former slushpile reader and editor, i too used to love destroying writer's lives by rejecting their work.
I used to particularly enjoy reading and rejecting the fifteenth Sammy the Squirrel (or Sandra) i'd read that morning.
Joy to the world.
Philistines say, "HOLLA!!"
Wait, there are Cliff Notes for Twilight?
It says there are no followers on your blog yet! How can there be no followers? I've been following you for a couple of weeks now. Do I not count? *sob* If I click "be the first" will I be following you twice?
Is this all a part of the industry-wide plot to make me feel insignificant? It IS, isn't it? >:0
And my boss at Walmart can't spell my name either. Sigh.
So I clicked "be the first" and now it says there's 76. I knew I had multiple personalities, but that MANY?
A-HA! I knew it all along.
*shakes fist in impotent rage, and curses publishing*
I KNEW IT! It's a good thing I'm theoretically not an aspiring writer. Who just hangs out here for fun.
Horserider, yes, yes there are things like that--my sister found a Breaking Dawn summary online when she just couldn't bring herself to plow through the book. (I wish I'd have taken a leaf from her book. So to speak.)
The truth hurts, doesn't it? ;)
And Loretta, I think Google is having "follower" issues at the moment. It's not just on this blog.
I like to hear more about how the The Brief Wondrous Life altered the sense of the possible. It's a fantastic book, but I thought it was very, very much a part of a literary tradition. And a pretty dated literary tradition, at that.
Adding:
Your point is a good one, but there is stuff that the 'publishing industry' cannot really address. Here's a review of an example of what I'm talking about:
http://onthecommons.org/content.php?id=2487
That links to a project that stretches the bounds of the possible right past the edge of legality!
LOL Cliff's notes for Twilight was a good one. I just want you to know that us authors have a secret conspiracy as well...we all get together and write drivel, absolute drivel, and send it to you with the sole intent of stealing your sanity. The good stuff's at home in a drawer. Is it working??
Ah Ha! I knew it was true all along. My worst fears have been realized.
I knew it.
Well, obviously this means that the only way to break in is to bulk-spam-email you the same query several times a week, and make follow-up calls. I know I can change "Steve's" mind if only you evil assistants and interns would give me his home number...
I've been say'in it for the better part of a century. Haven't I, guys. I told ya dey donna like good buks and udder guud righting. Yep, if only I can right stoopider, den I'll get a billion dolla advance and live like a king, Stephen King.
!I also HATE books! I HATE them so much that I write them, LOTS of them, just so I can burn them, mock them, steady my uneven kitchen table leg with them, line my cat's litter with them, and most importantly send them to agents so they can feel unloved, exposed and just plain rejected! BOOOOO, BOOKS!!
I want to know how many pages the Cliff's Notes version of the Twilight books are. Can't be that thick.
Sigh. I guess I'm just not a romantic person. I like action.
Great post.
I think Google is having "follower" issues
One of the voices in my head said Google was in on the plot, but I thought it was just being paranoid.
I guess I'm just not a romantic person. I like action.
One of my friends has ordered a shirt that says, "And then Buffy killed Edward. The end."
LOL. I knew it!
Loretta, where did she get that? I so want one. My mom does too.
That's hilarious!
Alas, my worst fears have been validated.
Just one thing, though. If you hate good books, you should have adored BOOM! POTATO POTATO! and the Princess of Papyrion.
That knife-twisting name-spelling thing is worse than having your heart cut out with a spoon. Thanks for clearing that up!
Gracious. I'm still wheezing from laughing so hard.
where did she get that?
Not sure where my friend got the shirt, I can ask tomorrow. I googled around a bit. Apparantly, they've been selling them at comic and fan conventions. Here's a site that has a couple of designs: http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/more-cullens_white-t-shirts
There are also a lot of pro-Twilight shirts. Seems one of the themes of the book is "the lion falling in love with the lamb"? Which makes me want to add, "and so they settled down and opened a kinky sex shop in Des Moines . . ."
Kael,
If it weren't for the beard I'd kiss you. The skull mask might be a problem too, I admit.
Thanks, Loretta! We've ordered. That's a great site!
Awesome. I knew there was hope :)
Finally. Somebody gives it to us straight. ;)
Awesome! Thanks for clearing that up.
I have to say, that's just sad. Really.
I haven't got around to submitting anything, anywhere, and am getting more nervous by the minute thinking about the "send" button. But hearing actual comments from real people? Woah. Or, uggh, more like.
Either way, it's not right.
All of the best,
Weston T. Holder
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