Dear Agents and Editors,

Feeling beleaguered by overflowing inboxes? Consumed with guilt over manuscripts that have been on exclusive since the Dark Ages? Or just hate to spend your days trampling the dreams and crushing the hopes of legions of kind, generous, dedicated authors? Why don't you treat yourself to a much-deserved break and leave your rejections to the professionals?

That's right, friends in publishing--for a limited time only, we're offering you this exclusive chance to employ our patented, state-of-the-art, faster-than-the-speed-of-light rejection system at your home or office. For the low, low price of $1 per query and $5 per manuscript, we'll decimate your slushpile with our unparalleled rejection skills. Whether it's the polite but firm form rejection, the do-not-ever-query-us-again-or-we-will-file-a-restraining-order-NO, or a half-page, thoughtful decline on a manuscript that we guarantee will make the author think you've read--and enjoyed--the entire thing, but simply must pass due to the Vagaries of the Market, we have the perfect rejection plan for you. Let us take a load off your shoulders! Spend time with your families! Read for FUN AND PLEASURE again! Send us your tired, your poor, your huddled cliches, your deluded masses... we'll make it all DISAPPEAR.